March 18, 2010
On one hand, socialite Fabiola Beracasa must be deeply enjoying what a TOTAL TRAINWRECK follow socialite Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show High Society has turned out to be. I mean, that thing has surely proven to be the fatal knife into any social standing Tinsley actually had with actual New York "society" because it is SERIOUSLY UNSEEMLY and EMBARRASSING and also poorly constructed. Much like Fab's outfit:

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Okay, in fairness, Fab's outfit looks well-constructed. But the UNSEEMLY stands. Still, if I had to choose between wearing this particular ensemble out and about every day of my life, or, like Tinsley, being the EP of a show in which I was filmed acting friendly toward with someone (another "socialite,' Jules Kirby, who I suspect is not a socialite as much as she is just a spoiled brat with some cash) who announced (ON CAMERA) that she used the n-word and thought it should be okay to do so and then explained that she didn't socialize with anyone who wasn't white, thin and straight, I would HAPPILY wear this outfit. I would, in fact, wear it right over to Jules Kirby's house, where I would even more happily KICK HER ASS for being A DEPLORABLE HUMAN BEING. Y'all know that I am not someone who moans about how reality TV is ruining society: I LOVE reality TV. Hello, did you see ALT on ANTM? DELIGHTFUL. But High Society is giving too much camera time to someone who, if she would a fictional character, would surely find herself under a speeding train at the end of the season to the cheers of the four people still watching. I'll take a bizarro sheer quasi-catsuit ANY DAY.
This is an unusual take on the school girl uniform:

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C. Sev looks like senior class president at Hipster Dominatrix High. Common textbook purchases include Do You Really Need That Pole?:Basic Dungeon Decor; Safe Words and You; and The Beginner's Guide to Light Bondage. Admission is HIGHLY selective.

Has K. Stew gotten a new stylist? SOMETHING'S happening, because this is the third event in a row that she's worn something I really like:

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Scratch that: I LOVE this dress. It looks like it was made wholly of recyclables, but I think it's divine. Now if ONLY SHE WOULD STAND UP STRAIGHT MY GOD WOMAN THAT DRESS DEMANDS YOUR MOST BAD-ASS POSTURE YOU HAVE TURNED ME INTO MY MOTHER.

On the other hand, I did just adjust my own posture here at my desk, so thanks for the visual aid. See you at the next event: can you possibly go four for four? Time will tell.
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(6) MADONNA vs. (11) MELODY THORNTON

I can't decide where the heck I think Madonna is going.

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If I had to guess, I'd say she's on her way to a yacht owned by the Mother Superior of an incredibly old Italian convent, who also happens to be the nation's leading authority on granny panties. But it's as likely she's being thrown in a dank underground brig for crimes against fabric. I'm pretty sure we would've had to watch a telethon about that, though.

It may seem unfair to pit poor little semi-anonymous Melody Thornton of the Pussycat Dolls against a musical force of nature like Madonna, but they have more in common than you might think:

(1) RIHANNA vs. (16) JESSICA SIMPSON

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

RIHANNA: Hello, Jessica... ica... ica... a... a... a...

J.SIMP: Hi, Rihanna. Nice to see you. I can't believe I'm here. Should I be happy that I beat my sister, or depressed because what I beat her at is looking terrible?

RIHANNA: Both. But let's talk about you. I hear you're having some trouble getting dressed... essed... essed... d... d... d.

J.SIMP: Not really! What I'd rather talk about is how much I want to marry--

RIHANNA: No, girl. You are having trouble. Here is your problem: You are not being creative enough. If you're going to wear something ugly, and let's face it, you ARE, then you need to take it twenty steps further.

J.SIMP: But can't we just discuss Tony Romo's Twitter--

RIHANNA: No. Look at yourself, see? That is a bad jumpsuit. Totally boring-awful. But THIS jumpsuit...


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(6) CARRIE UNDERWOOD vs. (11) FABIOLA BERACASA

Whenever we see a celeb wearing giant sleeves, I often wonder what they've got up them; in Carrie's case, it was a high Fug Madness seeding that was secreted up this billowing white arm-bugle:

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At the time, I wondered whether Carrie was keeping Sleeve on a leash, or vice-versa. Almost a year later, I still have no answers. Only questions. And confusion. My brow is like, "SLOW DOWN, Underwood, you could grate cheese on my furrows."

And yet, Carrie's Bring Your Arm To Work Day matchy-matchy white nonsense is being met bravely by some resplendently nutty offerings from socialite Fabiola Beracasa:



(1) LADY GAGA vs. (16) BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

[PLEASE NOTE: Each contestant's archive is linked here at the top of each match-up, for handy review of their past transgressions]

By now, we're all well versed in the sorts of things Lady Gaga wears to perform:

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[Photo: Splash News]

I know this is supposed to be art -- and it is, if the visual painting you are doing is of the offspring of Heidi Montag and Sweetums.

But the equally important question, as regards this competition: What does Lady Gaga wear when she's NOT on stage?


March 17, 2010
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ROBERT PATTINSON: Hey, Claire.

EMILIE DE RAVIN: Hi, Edward.

R PATTZ: You look kind of cute.

EMILIE: That doesn't sound very enthusiastic.

R PATTZ: Well, you know. It's a lot of black lace. It's rather goth. In a frilly way. Actually, you look a bit like..you're trying to seduce a VAMPIRE.

EMILIE: I have seriously no idea what you're talking about.

R PATTZ: DON'T YOU?

EMILIE: Certainly not. I'm just happy I'm not currently wearing my Lost wig. Have you seen that thing? OH MY GOD.

R PATTZ: Don't talk to me about hair.
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[Photo: W Magazine]

I know it's not supposed to, but this cover cracks me up. Gerard Butler is too wacky to pull off that expression without looking like he's being sarcastic about it, and while Aniston looks beautiful facially, she also sort of looks like a very realistic life-size doll that Gerard has found resting on the side of the road and has decided to tote home. (The stockings don't help.) Every time I look at his VERY SERIOUS MANLY EXPRESSION -- and his super-rolled up shirt sleeves -- I just giggle. I am not sure is this "turning up the heat" as the cover promises. It seems more like "joshing around in the dirt between takes of a very ill-advised Bonnie and Clyde remake." In fairness, I agree that headline would not have moved copies.
It's like Amber Rose KNOWS she's about to face Thomas Jane and Patricia Arquette in round one of Fug Madness, and she's decided to retract the crazy temporarily:

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What she doesn't realize is, this outfit isn't eligible for this year's Fug Madness, but will only count for next's year tourny. A-HA AMBER ROSE! You can NOT influence us to believe that you are not totally cray-cray so easily! BESTED ONCE AGAIN! Or, you know, once. Kind of. I will admit that your usual wackadoo catsuit habit has brainwashed me to the point that I can see you in a ruffly skirt the likes of which I wore in 8th grade and think, "Hey, Amber Rose looks totally cute." So at least you have that to keep you warm. That and your cute little skirt. And Kanye, I guess. Where IS Kanye, anyway? Will mentioning him here bring him forth like Beetlejuice? And if so, will he bring an amusingly ALL CAPS blog post with him? If so: KANYE KANYE KANYE.

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