Bai Ling

Dear Readers,

Happy Valentine's Day! Are you sitting at your desk right now thinking, "Wait, what? It's Valentine's Day? TODAY? DAMN IT!"  Well, if we may offer a suggestion, nothing says "Ooh, baby, I love your way" like a book about people in really hideous outfits:

You can totally get it at A Bookseller Near You on the way home, and it goes beautifully with flowers (or chocolates; one reader e-mailed us already today to let us know her divine boyfriend gave it to her with a box of Godivas, which is smooth-like-Intern-George).

On the other hand, if you're single this year, what better way to remind yourself how gross other people are than said book? You know it's true. We promise that it will make you feel thusly:

And now back to your regularly scheduled fugging, with 100% less self-promotion. Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

The Fug Girls

[Photos: Splash News]

Oh, Bai. Don't be so bashful.

If people like Ashlee Simpson, Bobby Brown, Randy Spelling, and Kim Kardashian can all get their own reality shows, then I ask you, world: Why not Bai Ling?

Think of all the insights Being Bai Ling could give us.

I love how much Bai appears to enjoy creating the illusion that she is half-human, half-exotic endangered species moving through its own wildlife preserve. When I first saw this outfit, I thought it was an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas. Turns out it's just the way she's standing. But, given who we're talking about here, my question is: Why ISN'T this an elaborate, stretchy set of footie pajamas? Who dropped that ball? Which personality? We're going to need each to get its own episode, so that we might better understand how they work. Or in this case, why they don't.

Alternatively, the potentially glorious Everybody Bai Ling Tonight could just be a show devoted entirely to what's in her closet that doesn't see the light of day. I wonder what she rejected in order to embrace these little numbers:

It stands to reason, really. We've got Thai Elvis, here in Los Angeles. And the Red Elvises. And now: BAI ELVIS:

She does look so lonely she could cry, no?

It's Salute To Buttons day here at GFY HQ, where we acknowledge the brave, necessary work of those wee plastic soldiers and their kin:

Only Bai Ling could wear jeans and a cardigan, and still find a way to make herself a) 50 percent naked , and b) one yawn or stiff breeze away from inviting you to ski her Alps. Let's hope this one of her many personalities -- who looks like she'd fit right into a managerial role at Mister Rogers' Neighborhood's local brothel --  carries a sewing kit, and isn't afraid to use it. Maybe Mister Rogers taught her how. Right before a bitter, jealous Mr. McFeeley caught her and King Friday XIII in a compromising position on the trolley, and Mr. R had to explain to everyone that the Kama Sutra and its many wonderfully acrobatic teachings are a beautiful thing between two loving, mostly fictional beings.

It seems we may owe Bai Ling an apology. Behold: A scene from last night's Ugly Betty.

Look familiar? Except for the accessories, this is basically the exact outfit we fugged Bai Ling for a year and a half ago, a portion of which has a starring role in our site masthead.

Forgive us, Bai. Obviously, we misunderstood you lo those many moons ago. Personality #12 wasn't trying to teach us the assorted merits of cracking a ringmaster's whip while pirouetting around a dais at a circus honoring Kelly Osbourne. Rather, by wearing it without the belt, that particular Baby Bai was sending us a very important Message From The Future: One, that no matter how fabulous Betty's nephew is, his insistence that it would work without the waist strap is the baldest of balderdash because that thing wouldn't work if it was on a streetcorner full of escaped convicts and sailors; and two, no matter how much Wilhelmina Slater agrees with him, she is NOT TO BE TRUSTED because deep down (say, a centimeter) all she wants is for the world to look worse than she does. In short, Bai Ling, our most cherished psychic friend and tireless crusader for truth, wanted to tell us not to believe everything we see on TV.

HA! Just kidding about that last part. What kind of message is that? TV would never lie! Sure, in this case it's having a little fun at our expense, but otherwise our sweet friend would never lead us astray. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check and see whether my bionic legs have been secretly installed yet.

Oh, Bai Ling! It's just so nice to see you out and about again. When you're not on the scene, my mind starts to race wondering where you are and what you're up to, and I begin to worry that, say, you've been the victim of an alien abduction, or perhaps you've been forced to take a part-time job at Rite Aid, which will surely stifle your creative juices. However, I'm relieved to see that's not the case:

What with your homemade tee and all. I'm not sure what that tee is implying -- are you gestating yourself? Are you missing? Is this an homage to that line Paris Hilton did, with her own face all over them? Are you on a journey of self-discovery? Do you have this shirt in nine other versions, with other peoples' faces on them? I hope the answer to all of those questions is: YES.

Oh, Bai Ling. How I've missed your whimsical, wacky, often nipple-y presence on the red carpet. Much like I feel about the Peldons, I enjoy making fun of your outfits and when you're gone, I really miss you and hope you haven't fallen into hardship, hard times, or the evil clutches of someone who doesn't understand that your eighteen personalities are a hilarious delight and need to be nurtured appropriately.

Particularly this personality:

I believe this is Number Sixteen, Ye Olde Western Saloon Barmaid and Part-Time Pedicure Fetishist.

"Hello, earthlings.

My boobs COULD pop out of this. But they won't.  No.  I'm sorry, carbon-based lifeforms. Tonight, Personality Number 16 -- the BORING ONE. Sorry, 16, but it's TRUE -- picked our dress out. She wanted to look "pretty." She's got seven heads on Planet Zolton, so when we beam down to earth, it's like this whole big deal.  And she made me use double-sided taped.  That's why I look so glum. 16 has nice taste, but she's no fun to party with."

Pop quiz: What is going on here?

a) The photographer has just informed Bai Ling that she is not, in fact, sitting on a toilet;

b) Personality No. 5 and Personality No. 11 got into a raging fight about whether there really is such a thing as an allergy to pants, making the host body extremely woozy;

c) The people at Vitamin Water asked her to stage a "before" shot;

d) Her gynecologist showed up and groaned, "Oh, God, please, not when I'm off duty";

e) All of the above.