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July 15, 2009

Fug the Cover: Amy Adams

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While I DO want to love my hair -- I seriously considered buying the $140 shampoo discussed in this month's Lucky until I realized that might be a little bit crazy considering that I am not actually J. Lo - and as much as I fully plan to read about women who sleep with their stylists, never having had a stylist who was intrigued even vaguely by my gender, I seriously have to wonder what happened to the story that Allure's cover photo is clearly advertising. I believe it was originally called, "Conjuncti-VITAL! You CAN Pull Off The Pink Eyeshadow Trend!" Could they have possibly realized that was a bald-faced lie? And if so, does that mean the rest of the cover lines are pure honest truth and I can therefore eat like seven of those no-guilt desserts? Sign me up!

May 21, 2009

NYFug.com: For Celebs, Some Perspective On Their Problems

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Allure

Biel, Biel, Biel. In the June issue of Allure, Justin Timberlake's boring half came out and became yet ANOTHER celebrity to bemoan the crushing agony of being so very, very good-looking. We're sure Derek Zoolander would be astounded to hear Jessica Biel counts this as a negative, and yet, she insists that having divine DNA is wounding her career. Waaaah:

Any publicist worth the fee could have predicted the ensuing Internet firestorm from unsympathetic readers who are pretty sure that is not an actual tragic problem (sample comment: "Can I throw up now? Boo-freaking-hoo!"). Critics who bewail that Hollywood is out of touch with the heartland generally get dismissed as uptight buzzkills, but they have a point: More often than not, celebs' attempts at proving they're relatably "real" backfire massively because they don't actually know what reality is anymore.

To join us in entreating Biel and other sad delicate flowers to PLEASE GET A GRIP, click on over to read the rest of the column.

January 16, 2009

Fug the Cover: Isla Fisher

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Allure

This is an AMAZING cover....for 1987. Which reminds me, I am totally late for social studies! I knew taking those last ten minutes to write a letter to the cast of 21 Jump Street wasn't a good use of my time. WHEN am I going to have time to read about how to order a steak? I'LL NEVER FIGURE THAT OUT ON MY OWN.

August 14, 2008

Fug the Cover: Carrie Underwood

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It's not that Carrie Underwood really looks bad here. It's just that she doesn't look like Carrie Underwood. At all. Every time I love at this cover, I think she's someone else: Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, some random girl I've never heard of, a very very Photoshopped Madonna. And pourquoi? Carrie Underwood is a babe. And she looks like a babe here. But a babe we've never met. Why even get a celebrity for your cover if you're going to make sure she doesn't even look like herself?

poll by twiigs.com

May 13, 2008

Fug the Cover: Jessica Alba

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Allure

Riddle me this: if you didn't know it was Jessica Alba on the cover of Allure, would you waltz past it in the supermarket and think, "Hey, there's Jessica Alba!" or would you think, "is Allure using random models now? Hey -- is that the last bag of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos? UNHAND THEM, YOU FOOL!" She looks pretty, but she doesn't look like herself. She actually looks sort of like Leighton Meester to me, crossed with someone who blinks really, really slowly and is excessively Photoshopped. In fact, she looks so sleepy here, I wouldn't be surprised if her eyes were closed in the next few snaps. Which I understand -- she's pregnant! of course she's knackered! go take a nap, Jessica! -- but it maybe isn't the MOST awesome choice for a magazine cover.

On the other hand, I freely admit that I'm sort of looking forward to reading Where the Hair and Makeup Pros Shop. I hope it's, like, True Value Hardware and the medical supply stores, because otherwise I think I can guess.

March 7, 2008

Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey

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Allure

Over the last few years or so, something interesting has happened: I have started to like Mariah Carey. I don't know why. I think I must find her amusing or something. It certainly helps that her most recent video features Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. And EVERYTHING is better with some Kenneth the Page mixed in. In fact, I think this cover could have used some Kenneth:

Continue reading Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey.

Results tagged “Allure” from GoFugYourself

Fug the Cover: Amy Adams

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NYFug.com: For Celebs, Some Perspective On Their Problems

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Fug the Cover: Isla Fisher

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Fug the Cover: Carrie Underwood

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Fug the Cover: Jessica Alba

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Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey

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