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May 25, 2009

Cannes Random Fug: Elena Lenina

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There is not much more information out there on Russian actress Elena Lenina than the last time we fugged her at Cannes, when she was dressed like an extra in a highly fictionalized Sebastien Bach biopic involving witches.

The same could be true of this dress, I suppose -- if you replace the word "witches" with "wenches," and add in a loopy subplot in which Bach grossly misunderstands the meaning of the term "music piracy." Glad to see Elena is keeping herself in a state of heightened readiness, just in case.

May 25, 2009

Eva Herzigofug

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

EVA HERZIGOVA: Hello there, Claudia.

CLAUDIA SCHIFFER: Hello, granny panties. Oops, I mean, Eva.

EVA: Doing okay? You look a little shell-shocked.

CLAUDIA: Oh, I'm fine, just... suddenly I feel very thigh. Oops, I mean, dressed. I feel dressed. Heavily, heavily dressed.

EVA: God, RIGHT? Me too.

CLAUDIA: You... what?

EVA: I just want to tear off all this itchy fabric! Better hope there's not an open bar, or else people are going to see a lot more of me than they thought tonight!

CLAUDIA: MORE than... you know what, I think I need to find that bar right now.

May 22, 2009

Robin Fugt Penn

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Well, Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn are no longer getting divorced. It's off. AGAIN. For the craptillionth time. Jessica and I just discussed how it kind of makes us hate them both, because seriously, love is hard and all and we know divorce is very painful and difficult and fraught, but YOU HAVE KIDS. To put it in really crass terms: Stop f'ing around and figure out your shit.

I contend they need to get divorced now more than ever, because it is sucking the hot out of Robin. Observe. Divorce on:

Delicious.

Divorce off:

Continue reading Robin Fugt Penn.

May 22, 2009

Fugko Kikuchi

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Cannes,
grey

RINKO'S MOM: Rinko? Rinko, come down here right now and show your Aunt Murgatroyd how much you LOVE the dress she made for you out of all her leftover personalized stationery!

RINKO: FINE. HERE. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? Because in ten minutes I am totally recycling this thing.

May 21, 2009

Cannes Fug Carpet: Hofit Golan

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In the past we've tried to figure out who Hofit Golan is -- she seems to be a model, and she's definitely not shy; she's also been hitting the Cannes red carpets alongside Phoebe Price, which to me indicates she is some other country's version of our favorite flame-haired bastion of pointlessness. But that's about it, and maybe that's enough.

Hofit made a stir at the Inglourious Basterds premiere -- and yes, I first typed Inglourious Basters, which I think is either a movie about Thanksgiving or the name of a really low-rent fertility clinic. But anyway, let's get to Hofit's gown. Here's the front:

Aspects of this are quite pretty, although the cut-outs feel ripped from one of those mass e-mails that goes out every prom season, which feature real-life photographs of trashy prom dresses where, say, only tiny straps of fabric cover a girl's nipples or there is ass-crack on display. In essence, they ho up what might otherwise have a surprising grace to it. When you're wearing a bodice that borrows its style from a bathing suit Paris Hilton once wore, you have erred on the side of Ew.

Because those cutouts lend themselves to this:

Continue reading Cannes Fug Carpet: Hofit Golan.

May 21, 2009

Fug Oleander

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bad hair,
Cannes

Hey, Alison Lohman!

Hey! Yeah, sorry to bother you -- I know you're busy with all those photogs, but do you mind coming over here? I need to get a closer look at your hair.

Continue reading Fug Oleander.

May 21, 2009

The Fugdors

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So, Joss Stone here is currently playing Anne of Cleves in The Tudors on Showtime (I don't know why I always have to call it, "The Tudors on Showtime" but I think it's because the ads always scream the "SHOWTIME" part so it really has wormed itself into my brain. You're welcome, Showtime). And the whole time I am watching her episodes, I keep thinking, "This is terrible casting." Anne of Cleves is supposed to be rather unattractive (although there is some disagreement about this by scholars, the SHOW is also implying that she is kind of gross-looking) but Joss Stone, whatever you may think of her, is a totally cute girl. So it sort of takes me out of the moment. As does the fact that Jonathan Rhys Meyers still has a six-pack even though Henry VIII is supposed to be like hugely fat at this point in history, but as far as that goes, I mostly just spend my time being grateful that Showtime has decided to go for abs over accuracy. Considering that The Tudors is a COMPLETE SOAP OPERA -- there is a dude with an eye patch and everything -- that was the right creative decision. Anyway, here is Ms Stone, out of her period garb:

SIGH. Honey, that looks like you bought it for $45.50 at one of those stores in the mall that carry solely mini-dresses made of flammable material. That's great for a night out with the girls (I guess -- at a certain point in one's life you sort of stop buying things that could catch on fire too easily but she's not there yet. I would wager Joss Stone may still be young enough that it seems like a good idea to take a flaming shot of Jager. Ah, youth. Enjoy it while it lasts) but a bit low budg-looking for Cannes, don't you think? Maybe next time, save this for Vegas and do Cannes up a little bit, kid.

May 21, 2009

Cannes Fug Carpet: Angelina Jolie

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This was a Fug-or-Fab post originally, but I typed myself out of it. Because once I listed the pros -- it's not black, it's not a caftan -- I ran out of juice compared with all the things that bugged me about this:

[Photo: WENN.com]

I wish Angelina had gone with the original runway version of this Versace gown, which was a really pretty gray-blue color. It's not like the woman can't wear pigment -- she just chooses not to, for reasons neither I nor probably Lucy Liu will ever understand (and I wish it hadn't taken me 47 minutes to realize I left out that hotlink, without which the sentence made no sense; awesome).

Plus, the flesh tone is creating a few problems here:

1) We might be able to see her nipples. I don't think we ACTUALLY can -- I checked other photos and nothing mammarial appeared to be making itself known -- but even if it's an optical illusion, I FEEL like I am getting an up-close and highly personal glimpse of some Private Boob. Were this not in such an eerily accurate flesh tone, I probably wouldn't be giving this a second look.

2) Factoring in the slit and the fact that I believe I can also see her belly-button contours, Angie just looks naked, full-stop. Which is probably not an issue for HER, since I bet she wouldn't care that much if she accidentally did live out that old nightmare where it turns out you've shown up at the most important event of your life without a stitch on, because she is Angelina Jolie, and I suspect nothing fazes her. Seriously, I bet I could walk up to her and say, "Aliens tell me they'd like to juice your calves and serve them with squash blossoms," and she'd be all, "Nice," and then we'd go our separate ways and it wouldn't even make her rundown of Funny Things That Happened Today To Tell Brad About While We're Recuperating From Wild Animal Sex.

3) Somehow, in spite of all that, it STILL comes off kind of... boring. How is that possible, in light of the aforementioned nude illusions? And the fact that it's slit up to her baby factory? How can one be a NAKED FRUMP?

poll by twiigs.com

May 21, 2009

Inglourious Fugterds

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Oh, Sharon Stone. You are always surprising me. For example, when I first saw you at Cannes, I made all kinds of assumptions:

Were you wearing a long gown with a slit on the side, like so many other women at Cannes this year? Are you yawning because your dress is really boring? Why is that photographer looking so perplexed?

Continue reading Inglourious Fugterds.

May 20, 2009

Fug or Fab: Brad Pitt (with an assist from the Fab Diane Kruger)

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BRAD PITT: Bonjour, Diane.

DIANE KRUGER: You are hilarious.

BRAD: Why, whatever do you mean?

DIANE: The ascot? HILARIOUS. You look so SUAVE. Like you just slithered off your yacht.

BRAD: But you like it when Pacey does this. And I don't have a yacht.

DIANE: Let me put it this way. I didn't say I DIDN'T like it. I said it's HILARIOUS. Pacey also finds it hilarious. I just treasure you, Brad.

BRAD: Angelina laughed when she saw it, too. What's so funny about a well-tied scarf?

DIANE: It's just that...you're so...it's really....let's just say it's charming, and it delights me.

BRAD: Are you patronizing me, Kruger?

DIANE: No! Maybe a little. But I mean it. It's DELIGHTFUL. Can't you see I am delighted?

BRAD: It's costume-y, isn't it? I KNEW IT. Clooney told me it made me look more masculine than I'd ever been.

DIANE: Oh, Brad. Don't trust him.

BRAD: He did also ask when we were sailing to Capri for the season....I thought he meant it. That sounds fun, right? I thought it would be fun.

DIANE: Shhh. You're so pretty.

BRAD: So are you, actually.

DIANE: Oh, I know!

poll by twiigs.com

Results tagged “Cannes” from GoFugYourself

Cannes Random Fug: Elena Lenina

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Eva Herzigofug

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Robin Fugt Penn

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Fugko Kikuchi

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Cannes Fug Carpet: Hofit Golan

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Fug Oleander

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The Fugdors

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Cannes Fug Carpet: Angelina Jolie

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Inglourious Fugterds

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Fug or Fab: Brad Pitt (with an assist from the Fab Diane Kruger)

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