Results tagged “Cosmo” from GoFugYourself

As with a lot of magazine covers out there, it's not so much that Cameron Diaz looks BAD here:

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[Photo: Splash News]

She just doesn't look like herself. In fact, this whole cover feels cracked-out, like it's a designer-impostor publication called Cosmicpolitan that's trying to trick people at the newsstand into thinking it's the real thing. Even the cover lines -- which, incidentally, match her lipstick -- read like a joke issue of Cosmo and totally dwarf her presence. Seriously, there are a bajillion things I notice on this page before I even notice the ID that it's Cameron Diaz: "great sex," "dress sexy," "butt naked," "Super Diet," and "sex toy." My eye actually even went to "stalker" first.

So as far as the casual onlooker is concerned, this might as well be some random blonde chick who -- thanks to sexy clothes and a 10-day wheat purge -- just had the best bronco ride of her life atop a butt-naked man that she stalked for a year, who knows how to use props. And maybe that's all true of Cammy here (I don't know her life), but if you're going to all the trouble of putting her on and in your magazine, don't you want to make it feel more unique? As opposed to using a photo that looks as if it got pulled from a 2003 archive that went on clearance sale, and which is now used exclusively in those 150 Great Looks For Blondes magazines you only see at your hairdresser's?

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So, word on the street is that CosmoGirl is kaput. Which is a shame for its staff: it can't have been easy to take the essence of Cosmo (sex tips) and translate it for a younger audience, and goodness knows no one likes to hear about failing projects in this, Our National Time of OMG I'm Just Going To Hide All My Money In My Mattress LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET LA LA LA LA! On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if someone at Hearst saw this copy on the coffee table, picked it up, and said, "shortie jumpers in NOVEMBER? THIS IS OVER." I mean, can't you rock the vote just as enthusiastically in, say, jeans? And without even worrying about what they're going to do to your crotch. THAT'S patriotic.
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I actually think LC looks kind of great here. But for one thing: "A Cougar Stole My Man." PLEASE TELL ME THEY MEAN AN ACTUAL COUGAR. I want to read that story.

Also, I think she has more of a neck than this. Maybe a goat stole it.

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God. I wish Cosmo would devote more editorial space to sex. I am SURE they're leaving something out. They're got "Why Men Cheat in August," but I need to know why men cheat in July and September as well.  I will apparently be "shocked...and intrigued" by how dirty his mind is, but will no one tell me how dirty his apartment is?! And, most egregiously, while apparently page 200 will teach me a trick for SEXY EYES (which I suspect are probably the close cousin to CRAZY EYES), where is the article on SEXY HAIR? I guess, judging from ScarJo's hair in this photo, sexy hair has been supplanted by hair that looks like you accidentally put too much product into and then went to the gym.

January 4, 2008

Fug the Cover: Fergie

So, Monday night, Heather and I were watching some sort of New Year's Eve Countdown Blah Blah Blah Thingie, on which Fergie appeared, and we confessed to each other over our champagne flutes that she has been looking SO adorable lately and has hardly shown up wearing tartan hot pants to anything, and now I guess it turns out we kind of like her and think she's cute.

Well, Australian Cosmo is trying its damnedest to undo all that goodwill:

A) How OLD is that picture? B) How MUCH do they hate her? C) Going down on him could give me WHAT?

All that sex-related rumor-mongering aside (apparently, in addition to giving us cancer, our boyfriends are all tracking us on some creepy website. Is one of the suggested 10 Ways to Feel More Confident Naked, "don't read any other article in this magazine"?), Cosmo's agenda this month is clearly squashing Miss Fergie Ferg's stylistic upswing like a nasty little silverfish. This picture doesn't look remotely like her, AND she's been dressed like a cashier at Forever XXI, but without the benefit of getting fifteen percent off clothes that are already essentially free. Look, I know old Fergs is busy calling all the people who made fun of her for peeing herself and for the meth thing and cackling about her impending nuptials to Josh "Smokin'" Duhamel  and all the mad piles of cash she made this year and how good her legs are (I'm sure my phone will ring eventually), but once she's done with that, maybe she should call her lawyer and see if she can sue for this sort of thing. It's certainly caused ME some emotional distress.

You'd think Cosmo could have found a shot of Julia Stiles in which she wasn't making a "What the hell? I'm leaning against this wall anyway; guess I might as well pose for Cosmo. Hurry up and take the picture, though" face.

You'd also think they'd run out of "Sex Extras," tips on how to "be closer to him," and stories about girls who got killed in a way that will probably ALSO HAPPEN TO YOU if you don't read the article, but that's apparently not the case.

However, I do have to give them props for juxtaposing the triad of "Her Boyfriend Killed Her For Breaking Up With Him" right next to "Why He Just Won't Propose,"  and  "Guys Uncensored: Their Get-Naked Fears Will Make You Laugh Out Loud."  Maybe he doesn't want to marry you because you're laughing at him when he's naked, honey.  That could make anyone feel a little bit homicidal.

This cover is mind-bogglingly unattractive:

It is fug on a Peldon-shaped platter. It is the festering volcanic pustule on the chin of the Fugtown Express's oily conductor. I do know that it's hard to compete with cover lines of such stunning genius as "My Designer Vagina Transformed My Sex Life," and "Leeches Stopped My Nipple From Falling Off." Really, I sympathize with Fergie, because outshining those gems is an uphill battle. But the fact remains that, if this photo is to be believed, Fergie needs to stop worrying about her heart so much and start phunking with her estrogen levels.

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