Results tagged “Laguna Beach” from GoFugYourself

So, it seems like the rumors that Kristin Cavallari will appear on this season of The Hills must be true: she hasn't been seen out and about in ages, and all of a sudden, she's showing up at a movie premiere that L.C. and Speidi and Audrina are all also attending? Very interesting. If Lauren and Kristin team up to take down Spencer....I will watch the heck out of that. Okay, yes, I will watch The Hills even if it's more of Lauren and Brody staring at each other over dinner and not saying anything ever. But it will be better with The Return of Kristin. She was so awesome on Laguna Beach.

This is less awesome:

By a lot. I mean, Kristin is quite lovely. But not even the loveliest girl can really pull off something that seems to be inspired by my bedroom's window treatments. Like, I'm pretty sure that under-dress has a tiny pull-tag attached to it, so you can raise and lower it at will. And we all know how I feel about anything which transforms your crotch into a be-curtained stage: very negatively. Your womanly delights are not a play. (Okay, maybe The Vagina Monologues. And the play I'm currently working on myself, Try It, You'll Like It: The Britney Spears Story. But that's it! )

Kristin Cavallari used to be as omnipresent on The Scene as... well, as Lauren Conrad is now. What Laguna Beach giveth, The Hills taketh away, I guess, huh, Kristin? Maybe there's only room for so many MTV blondes, and now that Heidi got those generic, boring implants because Spencer is manipulative because she felt God accidentally forgot to make her a C-cup, she takes up a bit more room at the table.

And so, we've seen a little bit less of K-Cav in the last six months to a year. Which was probably smart of her, because overexposure is -- like Spencer, I imagine -- a friend to no one. But the problem is, when you're off the radar, you need to come back on with a bang and not a whimper.

Sadly for Kristen, that noise you hear is a whimper, and it's coming from me.

I'm almost speechless. That dress is not good. Good is The Wizard of Oz; bad is looking like a cocktail waitress at the piano lounge where the Wicked Witch of the West goes to get drunk and sing about her problems. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we learned the dress was put together by a passel of her flying monkeys. It's badly sewn; her chest looks lopsided and... kind of like a shelf, really, but without the benefit of being able to rest a drink on it; there's a wrinkle in the front that looks like a strange stain; there are crinkles all down the skirt that look like it rode up on her in the limo but good; and it's way too short to be flattering to her generally very nice legs.

And, wow, could her smaller toes be working any harder to get out of those shoes? I think her left foot's littlest piggy foot paid its neighbors to tie up the top two and steal their wallets for a night on the town. I suspect that's going to end in tears.

Okay, so this is the part where I admit that the line between reality and fantasy is occasionally very thin for me.  Like yesterday, for example, I heard something about Kristin Cavallari filming some kind of reality show about her journey though Lasik surgery. But I had to think about that for like twenty minutes this morning, because I convinced myself that I MUST have dreamed it. I mean, that idea is both boring and surreal, much like many of my dreams. But apparently, it's true. Which makes me relieved in the sense that my subconscious is not, thank God, making up stuff about the medical history of Laguna Beach stars, but at the same time, the fact that this is actually true is very disturbing. I mean, what's next? Am I going to have to sit through webisodes about, like, Carmen Electra's teeth cleaning? Or tag along on Mandy Moore's trip to the podiatrist? Because while I love some celebrity news and gossip, I can barely work up a head of steam about my OWN doctor's appointments, much less anyone else's.

At any rate, I don't think she's had the Lasik yet, because look:

I mean, she's cute blah blah blah blah but come on, how boring is this? You could seriously wear this down to the mall for an afternoon of Iced Blendeds and shoe shopping. This a televised program she's attending (right? I presume the Australian Video Music Awards are televised, you know, in Australia). Mix it up a BIT, Kristin. Also, watch out with that top: I myself have the urge to walk up behind you and tug on the straps of your shirt until they garrote you and while my garrotage would be a fun, faux garroting, I imagine there are some bitches in Hollywood who would actually happily choke you out. Don't lend them a hand.

To anyone who doubts our claim that strapless dresses cannot be considered home-runs -- no matter HOW cute they are -- until they have been carefully test-driven, I present to you the following visual argument courtesy of (Tw)It Girl du jour Kristin Cavallari.

Game...

... set...

... and awkward, awkward match.

Don't drink and dress, y'all.

Okay, so Kristin Cavallari looks totally cute in this dress. I have to admit that even though the Laguna Beach kids make me want to rip out my own hair and hang myself with it.

So why am I fugging her? Because she is a fake tan away from completing her transformation into Jessica Simpson. And that makes me sad, in part because Jessica Simpson makes me want to rip out my own hair, glue it back on so that I can rip it out again, use it to flog myself, and then hang myself with it, but also because if you don't have a personality of your own to shove down our throats, then please, at least select one to clone that isn't all smoke and mirrors and PR and Mystic Tan. And choose one that isn't so overdone: We already have a mini-Jessica, and her name is Ashlee, and Kristin had best beware of any hulking Svengali dads lurking in the bushes with a damp hanky at the ready, because Pa Simpson will not be amused that his formula is being copied.

Sigh. I really wish she'd cloned herself while wearing something hideous. Still, ever the poster child for negativity, I will add that I wish she'd painted her toenails.

Talan, Talan, Talan, Talan, Talan. You really do seem like a nice kid. And I am very glad you realized that marrying Kimberly Stewart after knowing her for two weeks was probably not the smartest decision you ever made in your young life.

Unfortunately, neither was this jacket:

I get where you're going with it, I do. But it's a little...Allegedly Sexually Threatening European Tennis Pro In An 80s Teen Movie, don't you think? I feel like it calls for some very short, tight white shorts, copiuous chest hair, and a mustache. None of which you have. And thank God, really.  And since you don't appear to be planning on getting a job at the club in order to leer at nubile yet surprisingly-flabby-in-retrospect teens sporting crimped hair, terry cloth headbands and high-waisted pants, let's leave this jacket out of the equation, too, shall we?