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November 20, 2009

How To Be Fugmous

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[Photo: PacificCoastOnline.com]

HEIDI: Come on, Spencer, pose for the photo with me. It'll be a wonderful thing to show our children.

SPENCER: Say WHAT, jive turkey?

HEIDI: Oh, please. You know this is coming. I've been fake-nagging you about it on The Hills all season, but you didn't think it wasn't going to HAPPEN, did you?

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Stay strong, Spencer. DO NOT PROCREATE.

SPENCER: Listen, little lady, nobody can pin me down. I'm Grease Lightning.

HEIDI: Don't you think it would be just ADORABLE to have a little girl I can dress in a tiny version of this outfit? She'll be so glamorous! Like Suri Cruise crossed with a prostitute!

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: This can't be allowed to happen, for the good of humankind.

SPENCER: Shut it down, woman. T-Birds like me need to fly free.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Should I take out one of them? Is this my "What If" moment?

HEIDI: Spencer. Do you KNOW how much more rich and famous we'll be if I get pregnant? That's like seven months' worth of photo opportunities, plus baby-shower pictures we can sell, PLUS the birth photos and the first family photos, a guest-hosting spot on The View...

SPENCER: We'll be so rich we can pay someone else to raise it!

HEIDI: Exactly!

SPENCER: So let's do this thing. You're not as dumb as you look, baby girl.

HEIDI: I'm not as dumb as YOU look, either. Seriously, lose the greaser bouffant. And don't ever call me a "jive turkey" again or else I'll refuse to let us hire a nanny.

SPENCER: OH GOD NO. Consider it lost.

HEIDI: I thought so.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Please, God, let him be shooting blanks.

November 13, 2009

NYFug.com: Fug Girls Book Club: Speidi's How to Be Famous

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The Hills

Why yes, haven't you heard? Speidi wrote a book called How to Be Famous. We read it so you don't have to. A highlight:

"Most Unexpected Dis: Kristin Cavallari
She may have introduced Spencer and Heidi -- making this entire escapade basically her fault, so THANKS A LOT, lady -- but that didn't stop them from misspelling her name in the acknowledgments. Burn."

Oh, people. Proofreading is so important, don't you know? To read the rest of our (rather extensive) take on the book -- including such vital findings as, "Quality of Author Photos" and "Likelihood They Wrote It Themselves" -- click on over to The Cut.

November 6, 2009

The Fuglls

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Okay, Kristin, we see you. And we covet your abs. Mission accomplished.

October 28, 2009

Fugdi Monfug

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[Photo: WENN.com]

AUDRINA: So what I'm saying is, Heidi, you totally look like a prostitute. I mean, an ACTUAL prostitute, not just a symbolic fame whore.

HEIDI: Really? Well, you look short.

AUDRINA: Only YOU would find those things equally offensive.

October 15, 2009

Lo Bosworfug

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I don't mind the trend of wearing boyfriend shirts, but there are better ways to do it than this:

[Photo: WENN.com]

That outfit right there is a walk of shame from your boss's limo. It's so half-assed. Put your WHOLE ass into it next time, please Lo.

October 2, 2009

Lauren Bfugworth

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I think what we have here is a problem of proportions.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

That's probably a perfectly cute bronze jacket, a relatively fine or at least unobtrusive black top, and a normal skirt. But together, as worn on the town for Lo's birthday, they hit her in too many different places: The shirt cinches under the boobs, then the jacket falls below that, then the shirt cuts her across the widest part of her hips, and then finally the skirt. They do not work in concert with one another. And personally, on MY birthday, I don't want to look like I'm hiding a baby bump unless I actually AM. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TELL US, LO?

Okay, probably not. In which case, Lo might want to take the $100,000 per episode that she makes just to stand around and look pissy and nod, and give it to a personal shopper.

October 1, 2009

Fug The Cover: Audrina Patridge

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I get that whether your face looks good is totally beside the point of a Maxim cover. But come on:

This looks like it's her a mug shot from being arrested for Public Greased-Up-Itude. Also, what's with the veiled "empress has no clothes" insult? Usually when you invoke The Emperor's New Clothes, you're referring to someone who believes he or she is one thing, but who is in fact less than that. It's only because I know Maxim that I'm confident the editors legitimately are just saying, "LOOK! BOOBS!" -- otherwise, I'd take it to mean that Maxim got her naked and then decided it didn't find her that hot or special, and is using the cover line to snark on her subtly to all its douchey dude friends. Which, gentlemen, isn't the greatest thing to do to a girl when she's taking off her clothes. That kind of behavior gets you a boot to the nads.

At least if you're going to use careless literary references that are accidentally insulting, Maxim, pick a photo of Audrina's face that doesn't look like she's in a police line-up, okay? Give a girl a break.

September 30, 2009

Stefugnie Pratt

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Honey. We need to talk.

That necklace is as big as your thigh, child. For the love of God, take a break from the show and get right with yourself. Write a book called Eat. Pants. Love. Then live its message.

September 14, 2009

VMAs Fug Carpet: The Once And Future "Hills" Stars

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The Hills is going to be a little weird without Lauren Conrad. Because as boring as she'd gotten on the show -- understandably, since she developed an actual romantic and professional life outside the confines of the show's blurred reality and that would make me Over It also -- she was its heart and soul, and without her there's really nothing to root for except perhaps the onset of a raging case of crabs in Chez Pratt.

Still, MTV is trying, including making sure as many of its stars are visible as possible. Starting with Lauren Bosworth:

I really like this on Lo. It seems to fit -- which is more than I can say for those jeans -- and it skims her figure without skewing its proportions. The makeup is a bit heavy for her, though. I keep thinking of The Joker. In all, though, this is harmlessly cute and replete with the kind of wavy blonde sweetness that Lauren Conrad used to give the show, which probably means Lo is expected to fill the Everygirl role now and is going to have to practice her very best concerned expressions and the art of shedding one single tear, so that MTV will have plenty of ways to smash to commercial off her inner turmoil.

Unfortunately, it will be hard to buy into a new Lauren Conrad when the old one is still around:

Continue reading VMAs Fug Carpet: The Once And Future "Hills" Stars.

August 26, 2009

Fugstin Cavallarfug

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I have to say, even though you guys know I love drama, I can't muster up any enthusiasm for Kristin Cavallari being back on The Hills. If you're going to give a ton of interviews all about how you're just stirring up shit for the sake of the show, then it makes me totally uninterested in watching it -- like, at least with Spencer and Heidi, even as we sit through them pretending to go to couples therapy, they are actually married so there's always the hope she will throw a shoe at his nose and punch him in the douchebag and then walk out on him for good. And no matter what contrived situations exist to throw Heidi and Lauren into the same orbit, the hatred between her and Spencer is legit. But I just don't CARE about K.Cav swanning in there and dating people just because it will make a good act-out, like, say, riding off with Justin Bobby on his motorcycle so that we get a shot of Audrina staring off after them but not quite making actual eye contact with anything. Snore.

Now that I've got that off my chest, let's see what Kristin has put on hers. (Nice transition, eh?)

That thing is, like, two parts Tara Reid, and one part something a Williams sister is considering wearing to play tennis. It's got that special blend of impracticality and glitz that half the ladies' tour so cherishes these days. I'm all for cute workout clothes, but when your clothes feasibly could work or either kind of service -- the bottle OR ace variety -- then mayhap you have taken it too far. The U.S. Open is not played in Taradise, folks. Let's not try to clothe the world as if it is.

Results tagged “The Hills” from GoFugYourself

How To Be Fugmous

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NYFug.com: Fug Girls Book Club: Speidi's How to Be Famous

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The Fuglls

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Fugdi Monfug

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Lo Bosworfug

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Lauren Bfugworth

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Fug The Cover: Audrina Patridge

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Stefugnie Pratt

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VMAs Fug Carpet: The Once And Future "Hills" Stars

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Fugstin Cavallarfug

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