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October 12, 2009

Fug the Cover: The Ladies of Nine

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Vogue

I feel like, for the last several years (about thirty-five, by my best guess), Vogue has been featuring cover models in who I truly could not be less interested: Sienna Miller (SNORE), Renee Zellweger (BLAH), Nicole Kidman (YAWN). The magazine arrives at my house every month and I read it because it's sitting on my coffee table and I like to read and there's always SOMETHING entertaining in it -- if only a two page spread in which a $150 bikini is presented as a tremendous and life-changing steal -- but if I were standing at the newsstand every month, I suspect I would have no problem passing over yet another Vogue featuring whichever of the seven Wintour-approved actresses was taking her turn on the cover. So the first of my issues with this current issue is: OMG THESE FOOLS AGAIN? (No offense to Marion Cotillard, who I love, and whose cover issue I would actually buy. Sadly, this particular cover has somehow transformed Marion into a Kate Hudson clone, to the point that I actually felt confused when my eyeballs reached the REAL Kate Hudson over there on the right, looking deeply bizarre, slightly confused, and as though she just randomly materialized from out of nowhere.)

My second issue with this cover is that everyone appears to have randomly materialized from out of nowhere -- Planet Botox for at least three-fourths of them, I suspect -- and been Photoshopped together in front of a backdrop painted by a marginally-talented studio artist with a Pre-Raphaelite fetish, despite the fact that allegedly Annie Leibowitz snapped this in Malibu.

My third issue with this cover is....well, you should sit down for this. So, they did a huge feature about the cast of Nine, right? And the ladies in the cast who aren't featured on the cover are Judi Dench, Sophia Loren, and Fergie Ferg. Check it:

Continue reading Fug the Cover: The Ladies of Nine.

June 16, 2009

Fug the Cover: Sienna Miller

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polls,
Vogue

Sienna Miller. On the cover of Vogue. AGAIN. Has there EVER been an actress more fawned over by Vogue with less cause? Yes, I know she's in a Broadway play opening this summer, and she's in GI Joe, but COME ON. I feel like she could be guest-starring in a ShamWow commercial and A Dubs would toss her on a cover with a headline like, "SIENNA MILLER: On tough spills, two-for-one specials, and OxyClean." Also, we KNOW it's not hard for you to fall in love, Sienna. We were all here for the Balthazar Getty debacle. You might as well say something like, "It's not hard for me to land on the cover of Vogue." It's, like, common knowledge. That being said -- and in the name of fairness -- I must admit that she looks much better here than she did on this Vogue cover. But good God, is that damning with faint praise. And there's something hilarious about the fact that they've given her a long, faux ponytail and then slapped her with the headline, "Are You Ready to Cut Your Hair?" According to something I recently read about The September Issue (the documentary about the making of the particular Vogue issue to which I just linked, which I have not seen myself, although in the interest of full disclosure, I know people who worked on it, although I have no juicy inside information about it -- are those enough disclaimers for now? Jeez), Lady Bobbingsworth was irked that Sienna wouldn't do anything with her hair for them for THAT cover, so this particular headline actually might just be passive-aggressiveness. Which actually sort of makes me like the whole thing a lot better all of a sudden.

poll by twiigs.com

December 11, 2008

NYFug.com: What Will Anna Do?

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Vogue

As you are no doubt aware, dear reader, recently the blogs have been full of speculative gossip that Anna Wintour is getting ready to put down her bob and leave Vogue. While that would surely be a loss, we understand that a girl has to move on eventually, and she's probably bored of people's endless Devil Wears Prada jokes by now. But whatever will Bobs-A-Million do with herself, once's she's freed from the confines of Conde Nast? We speculate for NY Mag.com:

"If Madonna can write for tots, A-Dubs should be a natural at crafting stories that convey important morals to our next generation of leaders. Imagine the semi-autobiographical truths she could pour into, say, Dubbie the Dragon Goes to Couture Week, Bobby and the Rogue Rice Grain, or the especially moving Why Is Mommy Holding Last Season's Bag?"

That last one is a real tear jerker, let me tell you. If you're feeling strong, you can read the entire column here.

November 12, 2008

Fug The Cover: Jennifer Aniston

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Vogue

Jessica and I were just discussing how much people seem to have held onto the whole Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie bizarre love triangle. Seriously, they split up three years ago -- although in some ways it feels like ten, and in others, as if it were yesterday, given that people still ask them about each other every chance they get. LET IT GO, EVERYONE. Angelina should be more careful and considerate when rhapsodizing about when and how she fell in love with the married man, and for her part, when she's asked about it, Jennifer should probably just take the high road and say, "Wow, are people still talking about that? I feel like we've said everything there is to say on that subject," and then everyone can just MOVE ON so that magazine covers stop saying things like "ANGELINA: LYING SUCCUBUS HUSSY STRUMPET" or "JENNIFER DID EIGHT HOURS OF YOGA AFTER THAT COVER ABOUT HOW ANGELINA IS A LYING SUCCUBUS HUSSY STRUMPET," or in the case of Vogue, this:

She is not helped by the cover quote being taken slightly out of context, but Jennifer is REALLY not being done a solid by the choice of photo. She looks so... tense. And cranky. And like she would rather be stabbing pillows with a pair of scissors than be smiling at the camera right this second. Although I appreciate the attempt at putting "$5" on its cover in any context, and it's very nice of the magazine to try and convince me that pricey clothes are actually "investments," if I am going to pick up an issue of Vogue in these tragic times -- a pretty big "if" on ANY given day, to be honest -- I want it to inspire me, or distract me, or just basically take me away like a really ad-heavy, semi-out-of-touch box of Calgon. This does none of that. Instead, this cold-eyed cover says, "I hate this issue. I don't give a shit about you and your holiday romance or stupid bogus love stories or nice bedrooms. I just want to get the hell off this beach and move to a yurt in Deepest Mongolia because I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK. My friends all allegedly hate that I am dating John Mayer again, I can't sneeze on a dude without someone writing a story about whether I will ever get to use my uterus as a fruit bowl, Angelina won't shut her face, everyone is hell-bent on throwing everything she says back at me, and now apparently I have to FREEZE MYSELF in order to look young? I'M SO SURE. WHERE IS THE F*%&ING GIN?"

November 4, 2008

Happy Belated Birthday, A Dubs

Fug file:

polls,
Vogue

Somehow, we missed that yesterday was Anna Wintour's birthday. I KNOW. I fired Heather and then myself. We'll see you on the bread lines. Nevertheless, we'd like to take a moment from our now incredibly free schedule to wish A Dubs many happy returns and wish fervently that the Birthday Fairy brings her Roger Federer on a silver plate:

See? So happy together! Not to mention the fact that Brittle Editrix Redeemed Through Love Of A Mega-Hot Tennis Star is going to make an AMAZING Lifetime movie. I have the script like three-quarters of the way done already!

poll by twiigs.com

August 11, 2008

Fug the Cover: Keira Knightley

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bad hair,
Vogue

I think Vogue left something off the cover. In addition to being (allegedly) a Fashion Star, a Pirate Queen, and History's Sexiest Duchess (A-Dubs knows Pirates of the Caribbean was fiction, right? Or is she peering at Johnny Depp over her sunglasses and thinking, "Johnny Depp looks SO MUCH like that charming pirate Keira is often going sailing with. I wonder if they're related?"), it seems KK is also The Worst-Coiffed Vogue Cover Girl In...Ever. Um, what HAPPENED here? Leaving aside the fact that she appears to have what could very well be a fabulous dress...tucked into...two belts? Over which she is wearing maybe pants?...or a skirt? I am perplexed. Okay, let's leave that aside as promised. Leaving that aside, her hair looks like mine did that time I tried to train it to go longer between washes, i.e. greasy, lank, stringy shapeless, possibly a bit smelly and therefore scraped back into some kind of quasi-up-do meant to disguise all of the above. Surely Keira can wash her hair for Vogue. SURELY, they didn't do this on purpose. Surely.

May 20, 2008

Fug the Cover: SJP

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We have gotten A LOT of email about this one:

I don't full-on hate it. Other than the fact that her expression is totally blank and she's kind of working the Dead Eyes and she appears to be mid-sentence, I have to appreciate the fact that Vogue's Photoshop henchmen didn't completely erase all of SJP's wrinkles the way every other magazine covering the Sex and the City movie has. Just, you know, a vast majority of them. Look, SJP is hardly a wrinkly old hag. But she's got a line here or there -- because of something we call aging -- and you'd never know it from all the covers she's landed on lately, in which she looks as smooth of forehead and supple of cheek as a wee baby. I think my main issue with this cover, actually, is that it's sort of unflattering and boring and if ever there were an occasion to stick Sarah Jessica Parker in a giant hot pink tutu, a gold-plated bodice, knee-high lace-up moonboots covered in fur, and a giant, peacock-feather headdress, THIS IS IT. Why'd you let me down like that, A Dubs?

April 30, 2008

Fug Or Fab The Cover: Julianne Moore

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I have had many a conversation over the past week or so about this cover, and they all go something like this: "She looks hot! But the whole thing is sort of unseemly. But it's FRENCH! But it's just TOO MUCH. But maybe it's SEXY. But it's also sort of creepy. But that color is great. But I don't need to see her in this S&M panties-coordinated-with-belt thing. But at least it's interesting! But it makes me feel sort of uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point! But I hate it. No, I love it. No, it's terrible. No, it's AWESOME. No. Yes. No. I don't know. GOD, WON'T SOMEONE PUT IT TO A VOTE?!"

Your wish is my command, dear reader:

polls by twiigs.com...

April 16, 2008

Fug Or Fab The Cover: Gwyneth Paltrow

Fug file:

metallics,
Vogue

This is the day of the week where I admit something embarrassing, and today, it's that I am that person in America who loves Gwyneth. I know, I know: She's got a rep for being snotty and snobby and icy and whatnot, but I can not help it. I love her. Even when her head is apparently floating a full foot in front of her neck:

I know. She has a floating head, and I suspect she's able to "simplify everything," as she says on the cover, because....oh, I don't know....maybe because SHE'S LOADED? Money can't buy everything, but it CAN pay for someone to water your lawn and buy your Mini Wheats and fold your underpants and I bet we'd all be able to more easily juggle our families and our jobs if we didn't have to run to the laundromat and the corner store all the damn time. Ergo, I can understand why some people out there in the wide world might read this and kind of want to kick old GP in the shins. But I can't help it. I just look at her and WANT TO BUY THE MAGAZINE. I don't even know WHY. It's like that weird thing I have with Lohan, except for how Paltrow is like THE EXACT opposite of Lohan. On the other hand, I do wish there was an article in here explaining how I, too, can have that floating head.

polls by twiigs.com...

February 19, 2008

Fug the Cover: Drew Barrymore

Fug file:

Vogue

So, this went badly:

So, let me see if I've gleaned the correct message from this cover: this Spring, it will be the height of chic for women previously renowned for their cute, off-kilter spunkiness and sexy regular-girl charm to re-envision themselves as stoned-looking, moderately greasy mannequins with quasi-80s hair, wearing a scrunchie as a top? Good to know.

Results tagged “Vogue” from GoFugYourself

Fug the Cover: The Ladies of Nine

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Fug the Cover: Sienna Miller

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NYFug.com: What Will Anna Do?

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Fug The Cover: Jennifer Aniston

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Happy Belated Birthday, A Dubs

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Fug the Cover: Keira Knightley

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Fug the Cover: SJP

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Fug Or Fab The Cover: Julianne Moore

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Fug Or Fab The Cover: Gwyneth Paltrow

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Fug the Cover: Drew Barrymore

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