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November 20, 2009

How To Be Fugmous

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[Photo: PacificCoastOnline.com]

HEIDI: Come on, Spencer, pose for the photo with me. It'll be a wonderful thing to show our children.

SPENCER: Say WHAT, jive turkey?

HEIDI: Oh, please. You know this is coming. I've been fake-nagging you about it on The Hills all season, but you didn't think it wasn't going to HAPPEN, did you?

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Stay strong, Spencer. DO NOT PROCREATE.

SPENCER: Listen, little lady, nobody can pin me down. I'm Grease Lightning.

HEIDI: Don't you think it would be just ADORABLE to have a little girl I can dress in a tiny version of this outfit? She'll be so glamorous! Like Suri Cruise crossed with a prostitute!

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: This can't be allowed to happen, for the good of humankind.

SPENCER: Shut it down, woman. T-Birds like me need to fly free.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Should I take out one of them? Is this my "What If" moment?

HEIDI: Spencer. Do you KNOW how much more rich and famous we'll be if I get pregnant? That's like seven months' worth of photo opportunities, plus baby-shower pictures we can sell, PLUS the birth photos and the first family photos, a guest-hosting spot on The View...

SPENCER: We'll be so rich we can pay someone else to raise it!

HEIDI: Exactly!

SPENCER: So let's do this thing. You're not as dumb as you look, baby girl.

HEIDI: I'm not as dumb as YOU look, either. Seriously, lose the greaser bouffant. And don't ever call me a "jive turkey" again or else I'll refuse to let us hire a nanny.

SPENCER: OH GOD NO. Consider it lost.

HEIDI: I thought so.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Please, God, let him be shooting blanks.

November 17, 2009

Ginnifug Fugwin

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Here are some Dos and Dont's for you, courtesy of Ginnifer Goodwin:

DO walk around every party looking like you think you're moments away from being jumped by whatever gaggle of old ladies from which you stole the shoulder pads stapled to your shoulders. Because, let's face it, you ARE moments away from that; might as well spoil their fun by letting then know YOU know they're coming.

DON'T even try to hide the fact that you glued together that dress last night during a marathon of that One Tree Hill season where Brooke Davis was both a cheerleader AND a clothing designer, and Dan Scott murdered his brother, and Lucas experienced a really informative coma. Because you will run into someone at the party who secretly loves that show, and wants to talk about why all of Peyton's various mothers have to die.

DO accessorize with fishing lures, because you never know: Someone MIGHT try to pair you with a six-pack of Miller Lite and sell you a gas station to a dude in a puffy orange vest, and sometimes that's how love happens.

November 13, 2009

It's Always Fugly In Philadelphia

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So, I've never seen It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Everyone says it's very funny, but... look, I watch almost everything, but even I -- or more accurately, my DVR -- have to draw the line somewhere, and one easy way to do that is to draw it at Channels I Don't Immediately Know How To Find On My DirecTV Guide. So, sorry, F/X. When you stopped showing 90210 reruns lo those many years ago, I stopped knowing where you were.

Anyhoodle. Kaitlin Olson here is on the show, and apparently, she married one of her co-stars. That is very sweet. This, sadly, is not:

She has deployed stirrup leggings. Presumably, she did not ride to this event on horseback, and unless this is the weirdest event ever, she's not at the gynecologist. So there is no reason for stirrups. At all. (For proof, see the title of the tag on this entry.) If you think your dress is too short, here's a thought: Wear a different one. There is NO problem for which "stirrup pants" is the answer. Okay, maybe if you are being mugged in Forever 21 and the only thing you can reach with which to fight back at your assailant is something off the lycra rack, then I will allow that stirrup pants have a hidden purpose. But otherwise, step away from them, America. I would expect this kind of behavior from a young twenty-something Olsen with a twin, not an older, more elegant Olson with clean hair.

November 10, 2009

Can't Fug the Moonlight

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accessories to the crime

Somewhere in the enclaves of Malibu, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife is looking at this picture and composing an enraged statement about it on her Blackberry, to be sent to US Weekly at her earliest convenience (aka, as soon as she finishes writing it).

It surely says something along the lines of, "I can't BELIEVE LeAnn would wear those incredibly hideous tights when she knows that I have those same hideous tights myself. She's obviously stalking me and I plan to file for another restraining order. By the way, did I ever mention that Eddie has three nipples. HE DOES. HE DESERVES THAT THIRD NIPPLE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT'S THE MARK OF THE DEVIL. THE CHEATING DEVIL! BURN HIM! BURN HER! BURN THEM ALL! BURN THE WITCHES!!!!!!!!!!! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

(I mean, the tights ARE seriously bad -- especially with LeAnn's hideous open-toed clodhoppers -- but really I'm just relieved to have found myself an opportunity to point out that Ex-Mrs Cibrian truly has released more angry statements to the press about her failed marriage than any wronged woman, ever. I mean, I feel you, girl. Infidelity is as ugly as that outfit. And these two have been irritatingly and publicly smug. But what I'm really trying to say is that revenge is a dish best served cold and IN NEAR SILENCE. When they both awake to find their shampoo has been replaced by Nair and their body lotion with self-tanner, you need PLAUSIBLE DENIABLITY. You know what I mean? Ahem.)

November 4, 2009

Califugnication

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Initially, I was going to make this an Unfug It Up.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Then I realized it would be the shortest discussion ever (presumably) because I can point very clearly to the thing that is derailing Madeline Zima here. Yeah, okay, the dress boasts a giant red arrow to her pelvis, as if someone is at risk of not understanding that the Love Canal entrance is thither. But it might be cute; I don't know. It's difficult for me to focus on anything with those leaden grey tights mucking up the works. If she scrapped the stockings and the twee Mary Janes, then I could resume analysis of the rest of her outfit, marvel at how much Ms. Zima reminds me of Alicia Silverstone, and end with a well-timed Clueless joke and a query about vegan cupcakes. Alas, let us weep for what could have been, dear readers.

November 3, 2009

Agyness Fugyn

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I was just wondering the other day what happened to model Agyness Deyn here. (By the way, did you know her real name is actually the very y-deprived Laura Hollins? According to Wikipedia, "Deyn's name was apparently coined to further her modeling career after she consulted her mother's friend, a numerology expert, who advised her of the most 'fortuitous' way to spell the name 'Agnes'." I always just assumed her given name WAS Agnes and she was spelling it wackily, and that ergo I would probably be more successful if I started spelling my name, "Jyssykah" but it turns out I should probably start going by, like, "Ethyyll.") You see, it's not that I thought she'd retired or anything, I just hadn't seen her out and about as much wearing, like, neon buckets on her head, or the like. Thank goodness something dragged her out:

Although this...happened last night, I can only presume she's just blowing through discarded Halloween costumes and this was originally intended to serve as Haute Couture Oliver Extra, or someone who is really, really into those Jack in the Box "Bowl Cut" commercials. But...what's going on with her FACE?

Continue reading Agyness Fugyn.

October 26, 2009

Top of the Fugs

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I just found myself singing, "words, words, words," to the tune of Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls," and that's how you know it's a Monday.

The words that occurred to me vis a vis this particular ensemble included: TOO MANY ACCESSORIES. Okay, I guess that's technically more of a phrase. But you smell what I'm cooking. Accessories soup. And it's turning rancid.

October 23, 2009

Dita Fug Teese

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Well, we HAVE just been saying that we wish Dita Von Teese would branch out with her styling.

Falling headfirst into some kid's Science Fair project about the solar system wasn't quite what we envisioned, but maybe the resulting brain-stab will unlock a bunch of other new ideas.

October 14, 2009

Paula Abfug

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"That's right, American Idol producers. I'm the tiny serving of meat in a Snoop and Adam Lambert sandwich -- the $5 in this particular foot-long -- and one of them is wearing velvet and the other has on Lagerfeld gloves, and yet I STILL look the weirdest. You are going to miss the hell out of me, bitches."

October 13, 2009

Fug Seconds

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"Greetings!

"I'm Luke Perry, and no one on the internet can explain why I'm wearing this cowboy hat!"

Results tagged “accessories to the crime” from GoFugYourself

How To Be Fugmous

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Ginnifug Fugwin

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It's Always Fugly In Philadelphia

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Can't Fug the Moonlight

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Califugnication

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Agyness Fugyn

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Top of the Fugs

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Dita Fug Teese

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Paula Abfug

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Fug Seconds

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