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April 8, 2009

Fug The Poster: Grey Gardens

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ads and posters

I'm really not sure to whom this poster is supposed to appeal -- for one thing, it makes Grey Gardens look like it's a hybrid of The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Driving Miss Daisy:

And for another, despite the fact that we've all JUST read on every gossip site how much weight Drew Barrymore lost during shooting, her picture appears to imply there is a very uplifting story arc in which Little Edie gets her wisdom teeth out. So it's for... very elderly yet plucky former dental hygienists? Glad we cleared that up, HBO.

October 9, 2008

Fug the Poster: Twilight

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OH TWILIGHT. Why are you making me so happy, when I disliked the book upon which you are based so much? Part of it must be because, though I wasn't a fan of the book, I find the whole Twilight phenomenon to be very interesting. When that many people love something, there must be SOMETHING to it. Plus, books in general are good things. The other reason might be because the movie looks like it might be TERRIBLE and therefore potentially awesome. I mean, we all know how wack the cast looked on the cover of EW, and now... this! It's like the people who made the film read the book and got to the approximately 403,328 pages about how flawlessly gorgeous Edward (the fussy vampire boyfriend played by Robert "Cedric Diggory" Pattison here) is and looked at each other and were like, "Let's skip that part." AND WHY? It seems to me that the crux of the attraction of a book/movie about a super hot vampire boyfriend would be THE SUPER HOTNESS. And the other thing is that CEDRIC DIGGORY IS HOT ALREADY! It's like they've DE-HOTTED HIM against ALL REASON. Like here? I mean, at least he's not wearing Donald Trump's hair again, but his eyes seem to be looking in different directions and I think they accidentally dug his makeup out of the zombie bin (it IS right next to the vampire one). Also, Edward is supposed to be some kind of genius -- from what I can recall. Maybe he's just had the benefits of like 100 years of schooling -- but this kid looks like the meathead jock who gets turned into a zombie at the very beginning of a horror flick, and awkwardly gropes people before stumbling into a convenient open grave. And like, these two are lovers. Why does it look like this is actually the ad for a movie where an innocent girl is snatched off the streets and sold into a prostitution ring by a gang of weird pale dudes with an overly passionate attachment to hair gel? AND WHEN CAN I BUY MY TICKETS?

September 5, 2008

Fug the Billboard: The Ex List

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ads and posters,
ew

I have to discuss something with you. An ad I saw the other day as I was speeding down Pico Boulevard here in Los Angeles, the horror of which almost lead to my crashing my car through the plate glass window of a nearby Coffee Bean, which probably would have killed countless marginally employed actors/writers. Something so disgusting that I must put it behind a jump. (It's safe for work. BUT NOT FOR YOUR APPETITE.)

Continue reading Fug the Billboard: The Ex List.

August 21, 2008

Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson

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Oh, yeah. This is a great plan. Deeply unbuttoned blouse. Dim expression. Hay bales. No-name brew. Jessica Simpson's gone and turned herself into the poor man's version of the Coors twins. Until now, I did not even know that was a possibility. By the way, did you know there's an actual "music" "video" based on the "AND TWINS!" Coors ads? I found it in the course of writing this fug. And if you've been looking for something to finally push you to take that last step and throw yourself into the path of a speeding bus, I suggest you watch it. It is not particularly safe for work. Also, it contains the Coors twins RAPPING. Ergo, it's also not safe for life. And yet I need someone else to watch it so that I am not the only person who's lived through it. So I can have someone to hold me at night and truly know from whence my night terrors have come. I would even take Jessica Simpson as my comforter, should it come to that. At least then I would be able to tell her SHUT HER MOUTH IN PHOTOS FOR ONCE. GOD.

August 19, 2008

90210: The New Fug

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Can we talk about the ads for the new 90210? They are ALL OVER Los Angeles right now and my blood boils every single time I see them. Let's take a closer look:

From left to right:

Dude at the Bottom of the 0: Do you have a porn 'stache, or is that just an unfortunate shadow? Because, frankly, I can't decide if hipster facial hair would be a terrible, terrible hair and make-up choice here, or if having a high school student/TV heartthrob with a big ol' mustache is funny enough that it's worth it.

Dude Holding AnnaLynne McCord: Are you supposed to seem smarmy? I'm okay with that. I mean, Chuck Bass is smarmy and I love him deeply, truly and without reservation (other than about the fact that he's fictional. Also, kind of a psychopath/turtleneck enthusiast). But I suspect that you, sir, are no Chuck Bass. On the other hand, you appear to have good arms. Carry on.

AnnaLynne McCord: Tyra would be so proud of you for doing what she once deemed "the booty tooch." As are, I'm sure, the horny old exes at The WB. Er, The CW. Wow, I just fell over and landed in 1998 for a second there, didn't I?

HEADBAND: This is where the rage begins. What kind of dumbass girl wears a hipster scarf headband that MATCHES HER BATHING SUIT into the pool? A girl whose face seems to long to make the acquaintance of my fist, that's who.

That Kid Who Was in The Wire: My anger subsides. Tristan Wilds is too cute to be rage-adjacent.

The Other Girl: How long do you think it'll take before this poor kid is shipped back to Degrassi so The CW can afford to pay Shannen Doherty's on-set acupuncturist? At least she can take comfort in her good hair.

And it's not like the ad think-tank at The CW doesn't know what to do with a provocative television show of hot teens who occasionally find themselves in a swimming pool:

Continue reading 90210: The New Fug.

April 7, 2008

Fug the Cover: Lauren Conrad

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We've been so mean to LC lately and I totally don't even mean it. Sure, I thought her fashion line sort of sucked, but she seems like a nice girl, and I look forward to seeing her in one of our Blame Spencer tees. (Buy early, buy oftblah blah blah blah). But she's got some problems, you guys: Her taste in men is questionable at best, for one thing. For another, Mark -- that teen/tween magalogue from Avon -- is out to get her:

She doesn't look bad there, per se. But she also totally doesn't look like herself. To the extent that I recently spent like twenty minutes trying to figure out if that WAS LC, or just some rando model. I kept putting this thing down and then picking it up again. I really went back and forth like nine times. And you know how, if you write the word "turnip" or whatever multiple times, it eventually loses ALL MEANING? Ten minutes into my existential Is This Lauren Or What? crisis, her face lost all meaning and context to me. It could have been Engelbert Humperdinck up on there. Though I don't know how well he sells perfumes to teenagers.

February 28, 2008

Fug the Ad: Hayden Panettiere

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I first saw this ad on a plane trip, and it was all I could do not to turn to one of the strangers on either side of me and say, "WTF? Have you seen this?"

[Photo: Splash News]

I mean, it's not like Candie's is known for deeply artistic and emotionally evocative ads that art, art history, theatre, English and photography students are going to rip out of their copies of W and stick on their dorm room cork boards between black and white photo spreads of Morrissey and the complete collection of those infamous Calvin Klein "Wow, These Turned Out Pornier Than Usual" ads, or whatever artsy college students are putting up in their rooms these days. (In addition to these cultural touchstones, my dorm-mates played a lot of Rent. I presume that slot is currently being occupied by Once soundtrack. Ah, college. Smoke all those cloves while you still can.) I mean, this is the company that ran an ad featuring Jenny McCarthy on the toilet:

And as much eye-rolling I did at that one back in the day, I'd venture to say that the McCarthy ad is almost cuter. It's a youth-oriented brand, and at least Jenny looks sort of fresh-faced and charmed by the fact that you're snapping a photo of her on the can. Hayden, on the other hand, looks like a Paris Hilton impersonator on her way to the 7th Annual Slap-Off, an event at which local entertainers compete to see who can put on the most make-up without his or her face actually sliding off. If I were feeling particularly bitchy, I might add that she also looks like she might be tempted to earn her Slap-Off entrance fee by putting in an extra hour on her regular corner. But that just seems mean.

July 26, 2004

Fug and the City

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Sarah Jessica Parker has just shot an ad for The Gap:

Ms. Fugker has always been one that must be photographed carefully, as her face walks the fine line -- the line of her nose, I believe -- between strikingly cute and shockingly scary. This photograph carelessly shoves her features into The Fug Zone, and it's really not helping, because we need something to distract us from the general fugocity of her clothing.

SJP designed the jeans and customized the shirt. She erred. She has no right to look whimsical in this photo, because it is hard proof that the influence of Sex stylist Patricia Field is toxic tonic indeed.

Jessica: I say knever to knickers.
Heather: So gross. Big fat kno.
Jessica: She also looks like she is missing a kneck there.

The whole ensemble, as displayed, is a cross between the costume in a gay chorus and the uniform of a Revolutionary War soldier. Maybe our troops back then were beating back the Brits with the heels of their pumps in some kind of choreographed battlefield cabaret. Who knew the American Revolution was so damn kicky?

July 20, 2004

"Do re mi fug so la ti do!"

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ads and posters

My first thought: "Oh, look, Chris Robinson shaved his beard."

My second thought: "Wow, you go, Iggy Pop. You sing that song."

Third time's the charm, though, because that's how many thoughts it took for me to realize that the person pictured above is female singer Patti Smith. Crooning in the key of fug.

July 20, 2004

Little Fug Book

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ads and posters

Have you seen the posters for the new Brittany Murphy/Ron Livingston romantic comedy Little Black Book? Check it out:

First of all, don't worry; I'm not talking shit about Ron Livingston. I love him and want to have his babies. I would never paint him with the fug brush. But look at poor little Fugany Murfug! The hair is so brassy! The undereye circles are so prominent! The facial structure is so very skeletal! She looks like the frail heroine of a Lifetime movie about eating disoders. Not Without My Zone Bars: The Brittany Murphy Story, or some such. And in the movie, Ron is all like, "eat, Brittany, eat! Eat, damn it!" And she'll be all, "nooooo, I have issues," and he'll be all, "what if I lift you up and nuzzle your neck like I want to ravish you right here?" And whereas I'd be all, "whatever you want, Ron!" Brittany is still all, "man, am I skinny, or what?"

Memo to Murphy: seriously, I don't know who styled you for this flick, but whoever they are, they totally hate you. You should probably watch your back.

Results tagged “ads and posters” from GoFugYourself

Fug The Poster: Grey Gardens

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Fug the Poster: Twilight

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Fug the Billboard: The Ex List

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Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson

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90210: The New Fug

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Fug the Cover: Lauren Conrad

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Fug the Ad: Hayden Panettiere

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Fug and the City

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"Do re mi fug so la ti do!"

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Little Fug Book

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