Results tagged “awkward encounters” from GoFugYourself

MAX AZRIA: Hello everyone! I am here with Taylor Momsen, the hot twenty-eight-year old star of Gossip Girl!

TAYLOR: Actually, I'm fifteen.

MAX: Nonsense! Come on, Taylor, talk about this look. Inspire the crowd!

TAYLOR: Do you really want that? Really?

MAX: Out with it, darling! Tell the world!

TAYLOR: Okay. I look like Pat Benatar.

MAX: We belong to the night!

TAYLOR: Crossed with Debbie Harry and one of the chicks from Heart.

MAX: Oooh, barracuda!

TAYLOR: With a bit of Bret Michaels and Kim Cattrall from the opening scenes of Mannequin.

MAX: Yes! Talk dirty to me! Nothing's gonna stop us now!

TAYLOR: Times someone whose mouth has been erased.

MAX: Right! Wait... um...

TAYLOR: And a dash of E.G. Daily.

MAX: You're losing me... Um... er... smelly cat!

TAYLOR: Close, but I had another one in mind.

MAX: Hmm. You'd be better off dead?

TAYLOR: Bingo.

[Photo: Splash News]

L.C.: Sniffle. Whitney, it's just so awful!

WHITNEY: I know. I know.

L.C.: I just didn't see it coming. I mean, I guess there were signs... I just didn't SEE them, you know?

WHITNEY: I do.

L.C.: Maybe I just didn't WANT to see them. I wanted to believe the best in you.

WHITNEY: Wait, what? ME? What did I do? What are you talking about?

L.C.: What were YOU talking about?

WHITNEY: I don't know. Whatever dumb thing we were fake-telling each other for The Hills. I know I'm always questioning you about stuff, but it's not in my contract that I have to listen to your answers -- they only pay me to ask and nod.

L.C.: Oh. I was talking about your pants.

WHITNEY: What's wrong with my pants?

L.C.: LOOK at them.

THANDIE NEWTON: As long as I'm standing still, this should be totally fine.

GUY RITCHIE: I'm not looking. I'm not looking. See? Hand on wife's hip. All good.

MADONNA: How dare that woman expose more flesh than ME. I am MADONNA. Did she not get the memo that I have decided to look like a candidate's depressed wife? Do I have to feed her skinny ass a knuckle sandwich?

GERARD: I can't believe Guy isn't even looking. I would be looking.

THANDIE: Whoever stole my boob tape is in big trouble later. It's bad enough that I have to clutch the front of my dress between my legs.

GUY: Oh, God, I'm like ten seconds away from seeing nipple AND crotch. NOT LOOKING. NOT TOUCHING.

MADONNA: I wonder if Thandie knows I've got pipes like a 25-year old bodybuilder. They will be so helpful when I strangle her with that useless little modesty strip and then hang her from a flagpole.

GERARD: I can't believe Guy isn't even TOUCHING. I would be touching.

MOLLY SHANNON: And so I said to myself, "How can I dig INTO this character and really FEEL all of her, you know, feelings?"

SELMA BLAIR: Oh boy. I have a bad feeling about this. I'm pretty sure some people can't tell she's wearing pants.

MOLLY: Because, I mean, I play Selma's mother on Kath & Kim, but I'm only eight years older than she is, see? How am I going to find motivation in that?

SELMA: That is a lot of thigh. Should I say something? I don't want people to think she's sitting here in her underwear.

MOLLY: I mean, REALLY. Her MOTHER? I'M SO SURE, right? HA.

SELMA: If she would just shut UP for a second, I could invent something about how working with Molly has taught me all about formal shorts.

MOLLY: Like, THERE IS NO WAY. AT ALL. BECAUSE I AM NOT OLD. So obviously, I'm really having to dig deep here to get in touch with my cougar side.

SELMA: What if I accidentally knock water into her lap and force her to stand up? Or maybe I could yell "FIRE." They won't arrest me for that, right? I'm a celebrity. Okay, here goes...

MOLLY: So I decided the best way was to start wearing RIDICULOUSLY TINY formal shorts.

SELMA: Oh, thank GOD. I need a drink. And a raise. Although a firefighter might have been nice too.

A Play in Three Acts:

ACT ONE: THE MEETING:

PAULA: Hello....? Do I...? Are we....?

PHOEBE: Let's take a picture, Paula! Imagine how well a photo of two such classy celebrities such as ourselves will sell! You are a famed songstress, and I a brave warrior for the civil liberties of F-list celebrities!

PAULA: Have I been drinking?

ACT TWO: THE PRESS OP

PAULA: Psst, you guys! Who is this person? Also, does the bodice of my dress look like I stuffed it with toilet paper? I can't tell.

PHOEBE: Guest-judge spot on Idol, HERE I COME!

PAULA: I feel like my face is making that bemused look but I can't control it.

ACT THREE: THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

PAULA: OH! You're the Miss Golden Globe of this event! I GET IT NOW.

PHOEBE: Another step toward my world domination!

GUY: Um, Madge...

MADONNA: Yeeeeees? Will this be quick? I'm busy. I have to look happy, and married. I would advise you to do the same.

GUY: Aren't you forgetting something?

MADONNA: It's a bit too late to tell me you don't like my dress.

GUY: That wasn't what I was going to say. But also, I don't. Up close it's see-through, and you look like a chocolate-dipped disco ball.

MADONNA: But, like, a happy disco ball? A happy disco ball who is married, and happy about it, and happily married?

GUY: It also looks like someone was changing the color and got bored halfway through and just quit on you.

MADONNA: ... because I'm so happily married and you were jealous of his work?

GUY: And the necklace is too much, and the shoulder cutouts are ridiculous. It's like what you'd wear in an overly formal aerobics video.

MADONNA: Aerobics for people who love being married!

GUY: Listen, if you want people to think we're so happy, you could've at least remembered to wear your wedding ring.

MADONNA: I... really? I did? How do you know?

GUY: I've seen other pictures.

MADONNA: What a weird thing to say.

GUY: Let it go. The point is, people are going to NOTICE that you're not wearing your goddamn wedding ring if you're so happily married.

MADONNA: ENOUGH. Touch me. SELL IT.

GU: Fine. FINE. And your face does at least look nice.

MADONNA: SEE? SEE, PEOPLE? EVERYTHING IS FINE. LOVE! SO MUCH LOVE.

GU: You've still got it. You even almost sell the crazy dress. Maybe I DO still love you. And maybe I even love that dress.

MADONNA: Now shut up and smile.

JOHNATHAN SCHAECH: Why HELLO little girl.

BRITTANY SNOW: Uh... hi, Johnathan.

JOHNATHAN: I am here to inform you that YOU MUST PAY THE RENT.

BRITTANY: Oh, great. Here we go.

JOHNATHAN: You MUST pay the rent!

BRITTANY: Do we really have to do this bit RIGHT now? I'm kind of busy.

JOHNATHAN: Come on, Brittany, you know I love the Old-Timey Villain gag! And I haven't seen you in a while!

BRITTANY: Sigh. Okay. But this is the last time, you hear? Start over.

JOHNATHAN: Ahem. MWA HA HA. YOU MUST PAY THE RENT!

BRITTANY: I can't pay the rent.

JOHNATHAN: You didn't say it like you meant it! Do I have to tie you to some ACTUAL train tracks?

BRITTANY: MOM!

[Photos: Splash News]

THANDIE: WHAT did I say? What do I ALWAYS say?

SCHWIMMER: ... I don't know. Never do a guest-stint on ER?

THANDIE: No. You know very well what it was, but I want to hear it from you. What did I SPECIFICALLY tell you?

SCHWIM: Oh, fine, whatever. You told me to wash up and shave, and stop wearing my scarf like this with my shirt open and a giant coat, because it looks like I'm maybe naked, and blah blah blah.

THANDIE: You're damn RIGHT that's what I said. Look at yourself! You look like you've been on a bender since 2006.

SCHWIM: But why should I listen to you? If that type of lacy shorts thing didn't work on Rihanna then it definitely wasn't ever going to work on you. You're old enough to play her MOTHER, for God's sake.

THANDIE: What?!? Only on a soap where they rapidly age kids 15 years in two episodes, so WATCH IT, Ross. I was only trying to help you look less smelly. But if you imply I look anything less than fabulous at 35, I will drag you out of this dive bar and SO HELP ME JESUS I will beat some sense into you with a Norelco and some Pantene.

SCHWIM: Fine, fine. I'm sorry. Let's make a pact. You check with me before you consider taking fashion tips from a book of funeral parlor wallpaper samples, and I'll... you know, bathe, and stuff.

THANDIE: And the scarf with the open shirt?

SCHWIM: I'll cool it, I promise. Is it really that bad?

THANDIE: Is mine?

SCHWIM: YES.

THANDIE: YES.

SCHWIM: Okay, then.

THANDIE: Now go get us a pitcher. And MAKE IT A PRICEY ONE.

DONATELLA VERSACE: I AM DONATELLA VERSACE!

LEIGHTON "BLAIR" MEESTER: I'm scared. But at least my dress is cute.

DONATELLA: YOU ARE DIVINE, BLAIR WALDORK.

LEIGHTON: It's..."Waldorf," actually, but I'm....my name is....thank you.

DONATELLA: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUN FROM ME, BLAIR WALDOOF?

LEIGHTON: I'm not trying to go anywhere, Donatella.  I promise you. I'll do whatever you want.

DONATELLA: YOUR RIGHT FOOT IS OUT OF YOUR SHOE AS THROUGH YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT RUNNING FROM ME, BLAIR WALDOOM.

LEIGHTON: No, no, no. No! No. I am just...stretching my instep, Donatella. I swear.

DONATELLA: DON'T DISPLEASE ME, BLAIR WALDIME.

LEIGHTON: I would never! I promise.  I would never do anything to upset you.

DONATELLA: DO MY EXTENSIONS FRIGHTEN YOU, BLAIR WINGDING?

LEIGHTON:...do you want them to?

DONATELLA: BLAIR WAMU, DON'T YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE THE WORLD'S MOST HIGH-PRICED AND FEARED DOMINATRIX? IF SEXY AND EVIL HAD A BABY AND PAINTED IT WITH FURNITURE POLISH, WOULD IT BE ME?

LEIGHTON:...is that what you're going for? Because --

DONATELLA: I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU ANYMORE, BLAIR WALLBANGER. BRING ME THE HEAD OF CHUCK BASS.

Author David McCullough attended the recent premiere of HBO's movie based on his biography of John Adams, adapted for the TV by scribe Kirk Ellis.

This is their story.

KIRK: I can't believe you.

DAVID: Oh, come now, Kirk, it's not that bad.

KIRK: DON'T TOUCH ME. You said you were going to do it too. You SAID. I HAVE WITNESSES.

DAVID: Kirk, we were just joking around. Laura Linney said she was going to show up having spent the week observing 1700s standards of personal hygiene, and you don't see her stinking up the joint, do you?

KIRK: This is DIFFERENT. We were in this together. "We should wear costumes that pay homage to John Adams," I said. And you VERY CLEARLY REPLIED, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I still have some pantaloons, a jacket, and an ascot lying around the house from my prom."

DAVID: Do you really think I'm that old?

KIRK: I DON'T KNOW YOUR LIFE.

DAVID: Listen, just smile and have a good time. It's sort of... cute... that you did it anyway, you know? It shows a lot of enthusiasm.

KIRK: I don't know when I will be able to look at you again.