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August 10, 2009

Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley

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So, last week, I spaced out. See, sometimes, our image provider bumps old images up onto the main page, randomly, and I often think to myself, "Some poor schmo is going to see those and think they're NEW," and then... I was that schmo. I accidentally fugged a photo of Fergie that was from 2007. I KNOW. It certainly explains why she had her old hair. I have no real excuse, except that things are a tad crazy around the ol' homestead and I'm not getting very much sleep any more, and also, last week sucked. But still. As Homer Simpson would say, "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T."

Ahem. Anyway, given that, you can see why maybe I saw this photograph and feared I was about to do it again. It FEELS a lot like 2007 up in here:

I actually think 2007 just went through its closet and left a bunch of stuff out on the curb for the Salvation Army, and Shailene happened to be driving by and thought a five-fingered discount on a skinny-jeans-and-corset-combo was too good to refuse. Because who DOESN'T want to put on pants that require lubrication just to get them up over your knees, much less your thighs, and then seal the deal with a button-torso closure? That's so much fun it's practically a carnival ride! Of course, it'll take her forever to use the lavatory. I guess the thinking is, if it takes you half an hour to wait in the bathroom line, then you'd best hang out in there a while.

Things didn't improve too much for Shailene at the Teen Choice Awards. Instead of trousers that come up to her armpits, she wore almost the exact opposite:

Continue reading Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley.

June 15, 2009

Take My Fug Away

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I guess the band Berlin performed this weekend, and I'll say this for Terri Nunn: This DID take my breath away.

Unfortunately, it was not from awe, but rather in a somebody-put-me-on-a-respirator-or-give-me-a-paper-bag-so-I-can-hyperventilate-into-it way.

I also can't help thinking that if Rachel Zoe were to start eating and stop tanning, then this could as easily be a photo of her 20 years from now performing Broadway-themed cabaret act called, like, Zoeklahoma or something. But that doesn't solve Terri Nunn's immediate problem of wearing the world's least flattering corset-and-granny-panty combo and adding curtain fringe. To put it in lyrical terms she might understand, I have no more words.

May 7, 2009

Fughanna

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Leave it to Rihanna to splash back onto this site in a big way. As if arriving at the Met Ball looking like a cater-waiter at a Dynasty garden party weren't dramatic enough, RiRi then hit the shops in this:

[Photo: Splash News]

I treasure how much it looks like the people on the street are giggling at this, like they can't figure out why THEY are all in coats or clothes with some level of insulation and yet Rihanna is wearing a naked corset. Maybe the heat from her boobs' collective fury at being tamped down in this manner is keeping her warm. But my question is, how do you know if what you're trying on is going to look good out in the real world? Does she have to unhook that thing any time she wants to test out a dress? Does she gauge the merits of a pair of pants based on whether they work when she wears them with one of Scarlett O'Hara's old undergarments? To me, a girl who loves to shop but sometimes is deterred from trying stuff on based on how annoying it will be to undo my existing outfit, it's about as practical as wearing a snap-crotch bodysuit to a frat party.

But far be it from me to comprehend the mysteries of Rihanna's mind. Check out what else she wore recently:

Continue reading Fughanna.

February 6, 2009

Random Fug: Teyana Taylor

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When I Googled this Teyana Taylor person to find out more about her, I learned she has a single called "Google Me." Eerie. I expect to find out that, minutes before I finish typing, she's released a follow-up called "Fug Me," because she's some kind of rapper-psychic.

Although it doesn't take ESP or a crystal ball to know she was going to get it from us for this:

Have you ever been faced with a buffet so sumptuous -- or at least so full of breakfast pastries -- that you were paralyzed from not knowing where to start? That is how I feel right now. Do I begin with the workout pants? The boots, which look like she shot Fozzy Bear after mugging a stripper? Or the understated, tasteful corset? It's a marvel of symbolism: the ruby navel, the gold chain flap dangling slightly north of where her natural-born Google would be... But nothing is quite so achingly subtle as the mammoth bejewelled pseudo-nipples that cover her actual skin-made ones. It's like her Faberge egg hatched and she's getting ready to breast-feed its spawn. This might be my favorite outfit in GFY history. I need at LEAST three in different colors.

November 25, 2008

AMA Awards Show Fug: Rihanna

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If I were Rihanna, and I'd shown up in a glorified napkin that left me paranoid a strong gust -- or even just the wind created by Colbie Caillat's PR girl hurrying past with a watering can -- would expose my butt, I'd have been pretty stoked to change into this, too.

I mean, it doesn't get much more protective than thigh-high boots over rubber pants. Nothing is falling out of this except the tip of her big toe. It's basically a hugely elaborate chastity belt -- poor Chris Brown probably had to spend half an hour helping her peel them off after the show, possibly while she held onto a doorframe as he pulled as hard as he could in the opposite direction and tried to grease the wheels with hand lotion and saliva. And if that weren't a deterrent enough to anyone invading her personal space, her spiky bodice -- the sides of which appear to be barfing chains -- is something I imagine strippers wore in Mordor. It's very overdone and freaky, and I can't BELIEVE she was willing to put up with chains thwacking against her Precious every time she moved.

Perhaps her own accessory put it best:

Continue reading AMA Awards Show Fug: Rihanna.

June 2, 2008

MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Charlize Theron

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You know how it goes: It's a Monday, one weekend just ended and the next one is SO VERY FAR away, and I haven't had caffeine yet. Ergo, I have been staring and staring and staring at this photograph, wondering if there is ANY possible way that I have hallucinated it in my weakened condition.

I mean... tell me honestly: Did I sleep through an apocalypse? Did a new world order declare a pox on willowy blondes, forever dooming them to weird shirts that don't fit? And why do I feel like her boobs are secretly angry robot eyes? Is it judging me? Is it going to replicate? Will a plague of cruel silver corsets rain down on my house later today and make me wear them with gladiator sandals and leggings? Does the new villainous race of cyborgs that clearly just took over our planet REALLY want to dredge up memories of Aeon Flux?

Most importantly, will a Diet Coke make this all go away? I think I owe it to myself to try.

May 28, 2008

Fugsip Girl

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So, for those of you who don't watch Gossip Girl, Lydia Hearst here showed up in the final episode as the highly unrealistic impetus for smitten skeeze Chuck Bass to ditch out on Blair Waldorf and screw his way back into ill-repute. Aside from him doing a total 180 in the span of five minutes of TV, thereby making it feel slightly pointless to get him together with Blair in the first place, it was also a really unsatisfying ending -- and totally unrealistic, because seriously, Blair Waldorf could eat this chick for lunch, if Blair Waldorf ate anything but yogurt.

I mean... that corset looks like the rat traps all got set off before Cinderella's party posse finished making her dress. Should this ever happen to you -- and really, who hasn't had their army of tiny tailors accidentally tempted by fatal peanut-butter traps? -- my advice is to wear something else, rather than divert attention from your unfinished bodice by attaching every piece of costume jewelry within a two-mile radius to your boobs and then hoping for the best.

Maybe this is a spoiler for next season -- maybe Lydia's character returns, and Blair Waldorf exacts sweet, hot-glue revenge on her entire wardrobe. (And then, I pray, packs her off with Georgina Sparks to that reform school, never to be seen again.) The lesson here: Do not fondle Chuck's turtlenecks or you WILL pay.

May 14, 2008

Beverly Fug, 90210

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This is Shenae Grimes, who has been cast as the Brenda-esque character in the 90210 sequel:

And just when I thought we were running out of starlets to talk about! I think it's fair to say that a backless micro micro-mini with side boob and a mysterious rib-cage tattoo is perhaps just a wee too much skank for a CW promotional event.

In fact, I feel the 90210-Redux ast may soon inspire their own category, as Grimes' castmate AnnaLynne McCord (whom you may recognize as Portia DeRossi's freaky wackjob daughter from Nip/Tuck) appeared at upfronts in this:

Continue reading Beverly Fug, 90210.

March 6, 2008

Fug the Cover: Madonna

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Call me crazy, but I feel like there comes a point in a woman's life where she needs to put away unflattering droopy-diaper shorts and freakishly low-cut corset-esque sports bras and move on. Even if that woman IS Madonna.

January 15, 2008

Random Fug (But Not For Long)

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Relative newcomer Jess Weixler stars in an upcoming movie called Teeth about... well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll put it simply: Her character's genitals have teeth. Her crotch is a Venus Flytrap, and it is no vegetarian.

Given that, maybe this all makes sense.

Maybe if one of us had to be associated forever with having little shop of horrors in our pants, we'd ALSO shave half the skirt off a Disney Pretty Princess costume and layer it like body armor over a black skirt. Maybe we'd WANT to distract from being The Pretty, Pretty Face Of Vagina Dentata by borrowing a color scheme from a particularly nasty bruise. Honestly, no one knows what the appropriate reaction is, because no one else has ever been faced with being so closely identified with an angry lady-maw.

Well, except for Disney, since I just dragged them into this. If Minnie Mouse starts wandering around Burbank in something similar, we'll be well on our way to a new, groundbreaking understanding. Also, we'll put in a warning call to her gyno.

Results tagged “corsets” from GoFugYourself

Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley

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Take My Fug Away

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Fughanna

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Random Fug: Teyana Taylor

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AMA Awards Show Fug: Rihanna

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MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Charlize Theron

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Fugsip Girl

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Beverly Fug, 90210

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Fug the Cover: Madonna

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Random Fug (But Not For Long)

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