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May 7, 2009

Met Ball Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Kate Bosworth

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BRUCE WILLIS: Hey HEY, check it OUT. Mmm. Tasty. YES. That Bosworth kid looks like an Old Hollywood movie star. Okay, so it's not as uncomfortably exciting as that time Demi wore bike shorts with a cape, but I'm fragile. I can't live through that kind of experience again. And Kate looks classy, even if it's not all that original. I mean, I don't even LIKE lace that much and she's kind of making me want to eat her whole. Yeah, that's right, I'd like to break off a piece of that and then dive hard into a fancy dipping sauce. Heh-heh. "Dive hard." See what I did there? I slay me. I hate it when I make a joke no one can hear. Maybe I should tell my wife.

BRUCE: Wait. On second thought, Emma doesn't need to know what I'm thinking. Maybe I'll just keep watching Bosworth over there and try to figure out for myself how she's making something as tired as lace-with-black-piping look alluring. Although it could be because she's standing next to a dude in a blue suit and blue-suede shoes. THAT dude is insane. I bet Demi would have made me wear that when we were married. I should probably text Ashton.

poll by twiigs.com

April 1, 2009

Helena Bonham Fugter

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[Photos: WENN.com]

HELENA BONHAM CARTER: Oh, Tim. You are so precious. I DO love you.

MICHAEL SHEEN: I'm... not your husband.

HBC: Of course you are! And I'm so enjoying this wedding.

MICHAEL : I'm not, and also, this isn't a wedding.

HBC: Quite right -- it's not just A wedding. It's a ROYAL wedding. How silly of me to imply it's just some run-of-the-mill marriage when I am wearing a crazy hat!

MICHAEL : ... Nope, not that either.

HBC: NOT a wedding, then? Hmm. Must be a funeral. Why didn't you tell me, Tim? I'd have left the chafing dish and pickle forks at home.

MICHAEL : Oh, God, this is awkward. Helena, look at me. At ME. Michael.

HBC: Why am I holding this thing in my hand? This must be a dream! God, it's strange. But quite exciting. Where will I be next, I wonder? I hope it's Versailles! Or maybe in the conservatory, killing Miss Scarlett with this plexiglass thing.

MICHAEL: Does anyone have a bucket of water to throw on her? No, wait, it'll ruin my suit. I'll just pinch her instead.

HBC: BLOODY HELL, that was... wait, hang on a mo, when did Michael Sheen get here? And where IS here, exactly?

MICHAEL: Welcome back, Helena. We're at some awards thingy together. Don't be alarmed, but you're wearing a giant veil stapled to a fascinator of some ilk.

HBC: Oh, bollocks. And people can see me?

MICHAEL: Yes.

HBC: And I've been here how long?

MICHAEL: At least twenty minutes.

HBC: And did I... nuzzle you?

MICHAEL: Yes indeedy.

HBC: That settles it. I'm going to THROTTLE Tim for letting me sleepwalk this far out of the house.

January 9, 2009

Celebrity Big Fugger UK

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[Photo: Splash News]

It was at this point that La Toya Jackson said to herself, "Wait. So Janet wears spacesuits on purpose, and Michael named his kid Blanket, might be on the verge of losing his nose altogether, wears veils, and fled the country. But somehow this moment -- me, in a jester costume on Celebrity Big Brother, moments away from being forced to entertain the King of House by putting on fake glasses and teeth -- still makes me the most tragical Jackson of all. I have GOT to rethink my choices."

December 12, 2008

Fugly and Me

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I love this picture:

It's like the Jennifer Aniston on the poster is Jennifer's Aniston's guardian angel, whispering advice to her. And if we're real quiet, we can hear her: "Self, your body is amazing. And your hair is extremely glossy. And your tan is ever so even. Just imagine how awesome you'd look if you WORE A COLOR FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, LIKE, EVER. GOD. Of course, I also told you not to get back together with WhatsHisNuts with the guitar and I tell you EVERY SINGLE DAY to STOP commenting about You Know What, so you obviously never listen to me anyway. Why am I even here? Other people need my help, you know. Imagine the advice I could give that Lauren Conrad person. I'm going to go offer her my services. Step one: waterproof mascara."

October 17, 2008

Save Me From My Fug

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Well, I can't see what's under the cute coat.

[Photo: WENN]

But if this is all the enthusiasm SHE can muster, something tells me I don't want to know.

PS: And that's a big no on the lipstick shade, C.Ag. You look like you've been making out with an ice sculpture.

PPS: How much foundation does it take to cover not only your face, but all that cleavage? In these trying economic times, might it be a good idea to make cuts in your decolletage budget? Just wondering.

October 13, 2008

Fug or Fab: Taylor Momsen

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Actually, I'll be honest with you: I just don't particularly care for this.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

All objections to the hair aside -- and there are still a lot of them to file away somewhere -- the dress is doing very little for me. It feels lazily constructed and totally unremarkable for anything other than its smallness. Seriously, stick a feather duster in Taylor's hand and, voila! She's Santa's chambermaid.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Maybe if this were a Come As Your Favorite Clue Character shindig, I could get behind it -- but not before warning her that Yvette MAY OR MAY NOT have been one of Miss Scarlett's call girls who MAY OR MAY NOT have been photographed in a compromising position with Colonel Mustard, and that (spoiler!) she ended up throttled on top of a pool table without control over whether anyone could see up her tiny, tiny skirt.

And it IS short. Even the dude in the background is all, "Look away. She's fifteen. Look AWAY. She's FIFTEEN. AWAY. FIFTEEEEN." Not that fifteen-year old girls can't sometimes wear miniskirts, but I think both that man and I are more afraid of an ill wind than she is.

She did have at least one admirer, though:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Taylor Momsen.

September 12, 2008

Why Did I Get Fugged?

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No, Janet Jackson, NO.

[Photo: WENN]

By which I mean, YES, Janet Jackson, YES. The two of us just clapped and screamed, "THANK YOU JESUS."

It's like she's the lead vixen in Snow Plow: The Musical, about an alien race of galactic warlords who travel by chair lift to conquer the universe, and the rebels who slalom their way to freedom. Clearly, Grace Jones would co-star. In fact, Grace Jones is probably sitting at home thinking, "Damn, girl, I wore that to dinner last night, thank God we didn't bump into each other."

September 12, 2008

New York Fugshion Week: The Penultimate Day

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delicious photo

How sad am I that security wouldn't let us get anywhere near the front rows at Calvin Klein? For that reason I missed the sassy anecdote that I'm SURE should accompany this photo of Lauren Hutton:

I hope she's saying, "What the hell is with these jumpsuit cuffs? Am I on death row? I DON'T THINK SO."

-- Also at Thursday's Calvin Klein show: Miss Tyra totally stole all the thunder and a paparazzo yelled at Rachel Zoe. I never thought I'd feel bad for her, but lo and behold, my heart grew three sizes that day.

-- We were very concerned that Anna Wintour's longtime boyfriend's daughter might go into labor in the middle of the Vera Wang show. That would make one hell of a review: "So good, my water broke!" Also, does that make Anna a step-grandmother of sorts? I'm sure the very thought gives her the vapors.

-- At Phi, Emmy Rossum wore dominatrix shoes. Also, in typing up that story, I kept mistyping the word "public" as "pubic," and then I would notice the typo and go in to fix it and type "pubic" AGAIN. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

-- Cynthia Rowley tried to kill everyone at her show. She may not have REALIZED that's what was going on, but seriously, anyone who wasn't Julia Stiles or Tatum O'Neal put his or her life on the line just trying to get into a seat.

-- Diane Kruger didn't bring Pacey to Tommy Hilfiger. HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO US?

September 3, 2008

Katie Price Fugquestrian

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Katie "Jordan" Price may actually be some kind of marketing genius. I know she apparently rides and has a kiddie-book series about horses, but seriously, the fact that ANYONE paid her to come out with a line of equestrian gear is hilarious.

[Photo: Splash News]

I realize that an "equestrian" doesn't have to be anything more than a person who rides horses, but I always think the word evokes those who wear blazers and jodhpurs and hats while they do dressage, or compete to see who can leap over all those cute fences the fastest and with no mistakes. So naturally, the best person to design gear for horses and riders would be a woman who's mostly famous for being crass and flashing her ginormous knockers everywhere (I know that's tacky, but seriously, at that old enormous size, "knockers" is what they were). Clearly, we are just a step or two away from the entire United Kingdom's equestrian team adopting these as the official uniforms. If you think THAT horse looks terrified at the idea of Katie throwing her leg over its back in that skirt, just imagine what will happen when, say, jumper Michael Whitaker has to do it. I think you can be arrested for that in some countries.

August 28, 2008

Fug On Over

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When Jessica Simpson decided to switch to being a country singer, I actually thought it was a good idea -- I mean, here is a girl who has some talent but hasn't quite seemed to fit in anywhere, she's from Texas, she's got roots in the South, and she's got the same hair as country success stories like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill and Taylor Swift and.... the list is long. (Admittedly, we'd rather see her with a Reba-style red bouffant, but Ashlee won the red hair coin-toss so it's not going to happen.) So it's not a DUMB idea for her to switch genres.

But here's why I am skeptical of it working: She is TOTALLY pandering. All of a sudden, she's back in her Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and knotted button-down shirts, or she's on-stage in stuff like this:

[Photo: Splash News]

HONEY.Your career is not a stage adaptation of Big Business; you, therefore, do not need to style yourself as though you are playing the Bette Midler "rural twin" who likes to yodel at the county fair. Country fans are not idiots; it is wrong to assume that, just because you wear something that looks like you stitched it together from picnic-basket liners during a really boring hayride, they will stop booing you and start hugging and toasting marshmallows. These people will not appreciate being talked-down-to -- or styled-down-to, as it were -- by a girl who thought tuna was chicken and, worse, thought acting stupid made her adorable.

Also, put your tongue back in your mouth. You don't know where that air has been.

Results tagged “delicious photo” from GoFugYourself

Met Ball Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Kate Bosworth

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Helena Bonham Fugter

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Celebrity Big Fugger UK

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Fugly and Me

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Save Me From My Fug

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Fug or Fab: Taylor Momsen

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Why Did I Get Fugged?

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New York Fugshion Week: The Penultimate Day

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Katie Price Fugquestrian

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Fug On Over

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