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October 7, 2009

FUUG

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denim abuse

Judging from this look, I can only IMAGINE what the next issue of GOOP is going to be about:

I hope it's titled, "How To Nourish Your Inner 80s" and includes the following:

A hacky joke about how Gywnnie means the 1980s and not your inner old lady, although I must confess that my inner old lady is well-nourished indeed. I spent LOTS of time spying on my neighbors and tell the same stories over and over again, usually about how in MY day, if you wanted to talk to someone, you had to CALL THEM ON THE PHONE and if they weren't home, you just HAD TO CALL BACK.
A special guest appearance from Gywneth's best dear friend who is also an 80s icon and who knows a thing or two about tight jeans, Steve "Steven" Perry.
A photoshoot where Gwynnie models things like this blazer and these jeans, as well as a vintage Hypercolor tee shirt, and a variety of ensembles made from neoprene, all of which cost over $1000 but are positioned as "a steal!"
An off-hand mention of how Gwynnie realized the 80s were back one morning during a conversation she had with Frédéric Fekkai while he was giving her a blow-out in the garden of this little shack she has in the south of France. Tres bien!
Oh, Gywneth. I really do love you. Don't ever change!
I mean that METAPHORICALLY. Feel free to change this particular outfit if you want.

August 28, 2009

The Final Fugstination: Random Fug

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Look. I know Final Destination is a horror movie.

But I don't know if I'm supposed to scream just looking at the red carpet.

August 27, 2009

[Photo: WENN.com]

Especially when you're coming from dress rehearsal for Whitesnake! The Musical, during which you spend most of your time writhing on top of a car, when you're not playing the vital role of the drifter who was born to walk alone. It's brilliant costuming, actually, and I can't WAIT to see the show.

August 20, 2009

Sorority Fug

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So, when I start writing an entry here, I usually put placeholders for the copy, and then place the picture, and then I start to write.

Which means that I just spent twenty minutes staring at a draft of this entry in which Audrina was bracketed solely by, "WORDS HERE" on either side of this photo. I feel like I could have just posted it like that and you would have known what I was going to say anyway. Said words would have included: "WTF," "girl, please," "Whitesnake," "I'm so sure," "LC," "eyeliner," "seriously," "bra," "Uggs," "ugh," "nudity," "CC DeVille," and a Playboy crack tied to Heidi Pratt nee Montag. See, I don't even need to finish it now. Awesome.

August 10, 2009

Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley

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So, last week, I spaced out. See, sometimes, our image provider bumps old images up onto the main page, randomly, and I often think to myself, "Some poor schmo is going to see those and think they're NEW," and then... I was that schmo. I accidentally fugged a photo of Fergie that was from 2007. I KNOW. It certainly explains why she had her old hair. I have no real excuse, except that things are a tad crazy around the ol' homestead and I'm not getting very much sleep any more, and also, last week sucked. But still. As Homer Simpson would say, "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T."

Ahem. Anyway, given that, you can see why maybe I saw this photograph and feared I was about to do it again. It FEELS a lot like 2007 up in here:

I actually think 2007 just went through its closet and left a bunch of stuff out on the curb for the Salvation Army, and Shailene happened to be driving by and thought a five-fingered discount on a skinny-jeans-and-corset-combo was too good to refuse. Because who DOESN'T want to put on pants that require lubrication just to get them up over your knees, much less your thighs, and then seal the deal with a button-torso closure? That's so much fun it's practically a carnival ride! Of course, it'll take her forever to use the lavatory. I guess the thinking is, if it takes you half an hour to wait in the bathroom line, then you'd best hang out in there a while.

Things didn't improve too much for Shailene at the Teen Choice Awards. Instead of trousers that come up to her armpits, she wore almost the exact opposite:

Continue reading Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley.

August 6, 2009

The Scandalous Lives of Manhattan's Fuglite

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Wow. I guess I always just thought they'd save Little J's teen prostitute storyline for season five.

August 3, 2009

Fugler Momsen

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When I found this image, the photographer's caption said something like, "Taylor Momsen makes a surprise appearance" at whatever Sephora event this is. But it neglected to mention which PART of Taylor threatened to make the most surprising arrival of all.

On most people, that shirt would be used as a poncho rather than as the ENTIRE outfit. I don't even care that her shoes are veering toward being a very fancy kind of orthopedic brace, because her shirtcho was freaking me out so badly during the 10 minutes in which I thought it was a dress. My unholy research has concluded, however, that I may detect in there somewhere the fringe from a pair of denim cutoffs, which unfortunately are SO cut off that they're basically denim panties, and now my nethers are so upset that they're threatening to go on strike unless I take a vacation.

Also, let me tell you, nothing feels ickier than feeling like it's your job to stare at the XOXO of a teenager to try and figure out what, exactly, you're seeing dangling there. I almost reported myself to the authorities.

July 8, 2009

What's Fugging? With Jamie Oliver

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Dear Jamie Oliver:

To whom are you giving that thumbs-up? Is it to the crew at the Harry Potter premiere, because you were helping them set up the carpet and the lights and you're letting them know it's all working properly? Is it to your auto mechanic, who got sick and couldn't fix your alternator and so he called you and talked you through it? Is it for your milliner, who spent two weeks trying to find you a lid that would as closely as possible match the hues of your denim? Or is it because you're catering the event and someone just took one look at you and went, "Sweet Jesus, Jamie, did you even WASH YOUR HANDS?" and you had to check with your wife and she wrinkled her nose and said, "I THINK so..." and so you decided to give 'em the all-clear sign just to cover your ass?

Because I KNOW you are not looking in a mirror and giving yourself that stamp of approval. You CAN'T BE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE EYES.

Love,
Heather

July 6, 2009

The Beautiful Fug

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denim abuse

[Photo: Splash News]

MISTER DOG-WALKER: Hmmmm.

MISCHA BARTON Whee! I finally got a chance to wear this dress! I've been waiting for a moment that was ripe for wee patch pockets over my abs! That moment is now! I'm so happy and carefree!

MISTER D-W: Okay. One of two things is happening. (1) She's wearing this ironically. Or, (2) I've fallen down a previously undiscovered hole in the space-time continuum and have been transported back to either the mid-seventies or the set of Freaks and Geeks. I kind of hope it's the latter. I need to make friends with Jason Segel NOW.

June 25, 2009

Blue Fug

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So, this is Zöe Salmon, who, Wikipedia tells me, is an Irish TV presenter who used to host a BBC children's show called Blue Peter, which seems like a title which must have prompted many a juvenile pun from the children of the United Kingdom. She's apparently been in a lot of other random British TV shows, like Dancing on Ice and something I orginally misread as, Shooting at the Stars. My reaction to that was, "I knew this day would come." And it will. It just hasn't yet. (Apparently, the show is actually called Shooting Stars and it sounds TOTALLY BATSHIT CRAZY/kind of awesome. Wikipedia described it as, "simultaneously a parody of the game show format and an experiment in dadaist television," which is not a sentence I ever expected to read outside of a university course on post-modernism. I would explain how the show works here except none of us have six hours. You HAVE to read the Wikipedia page about it, though. It sounds.... amazing and like something you would stumble on and wonder if you'd suffered a major head injury that you'd forgetten about, especially if you accidentally found it on the first day of your vacation, say, and you had wicked jetlag to begin with. Seriously. Go read about it. I need someone to email me and explain to me if it is actually entertaining because it sounds brilliant.)

Where ARE we? Oh, right. Z - "o" with an umlat - e.

[Photo: WENN.com]

I am confused by several things:

Is that BLUE EYESHADOW? It's very....potent.
Sweetpea, your shirt is doing that gappy thing mine does ALL THE TIME. I hear a little doublesided tape will fix you right up. Hey, these things happen.
Are those...shorts? I'm seriously asking. I am pretty sure they are shorts. Which leads me to:
Those are SHORT. Like, that...is not even an inseam. It's like an "inse."
Something about this angle makes your shorts look like you actually have a denim binder for hips and it's kind of MESMERIZING, if we're being honest.
Pursuant to the point about the binder, you have the FLATTEST STOMACH EVER. I'd consider high-waisted shorts if they made my stomach look this flat (she wrote, eating a cold piece of pizza).
I won't actually go through with that, but still.
No, they're really short. I mean, really. Really short.
But have a good time at your party. I can't hold anything against you right now -- if I'd never seen this picture, I never would have read the following sentence on Wikipedia: "Ulrika Jonsson had to wipe dandruff from a car windscreen using any of her four cheeks, while Oops Upside Your Head by the Gap Band played." I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. But it's funny.

Results tagged “denim abuse” from GoFugYourself

FUUG

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The Final Fugstination: Random Fug

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Peaches Geldof: Teen Fug

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Sorority Fug

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Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley

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The Scandalous Lives of Manhattan's Fuglite

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Fugler Momsen

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What's Fugging? With Jamie Oliver

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The Beautiful Fug

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Blue Fug

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