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November 20, 2009

The Fug Who Stole Christmas

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In our last piece on Taylor Momsen, which was complimentary, Jessica entreated her to "enjoy the [lack of wailing] as long as it lasts."

Well, I hope it was a soothing four days for her. Although the thing is, I don't even think I have that much of a problem with the dress -- it's kind of funky, if alarmingly boobalicious on a kid who isn't old enough to vote, much less drink. But the MAKEUP. DEAR GOD. The words to that song are engraved on my brain. It goes to the tune of "Where Are You, Christmas?" which Taylor up there ought to know since she sang it on film.

Where are you, light switch?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?

It's too dark to tell
Whether I look like hell
Is my makeup putrescent and heavy?

Where are you, face wash?
Do you remember
The girl you used to clean?

You can undo my errors
So I'm not a terror.
Did I lose you
Or did you leave?

November 5, 2009

2 Become Fug

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Dearest Mel B. You have serious problems here. How to put this...

How about if I borrow from one of your tender Spice Girls ballads:

Get a little bit clothed here, baby.
Put 'em on, put 'em on.
'Cause tonight
Is the night
Your pants must get done.
You need some trou like you've never needed trou before (let 'em make love to you, baby).
You've got a little shirt -- now go back for more (don't let it make fug to you, baby).
Setting your crotch free
Is no public way to be.

September 25, 2009

Joy Fugant

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Remember when you were a kid and on your birthday one of your friends would make you a card, and in that card would be a poem based on your name, in which each letter was transformed into an adjective about your AWESOMENESS? Like, mine would be:

Jerky
Erratic
Sassy
Slow-witted
Irrational
Crippled, emotionally
Awesome!

Don't ask me why, but there is something about Joy Bryant's outfit here that inspires me to similar poetic greatness:

ODE TO CAFTAN:

Comfortable!
Awkward.
Flattering -- NOT! (Yes, I'm bringing "NOT!" back, along with making the W with your fingers for "WHATEVER." SOPHISTICATED HUMOR IN THE HOUSE.)
Tricky to pull off, unless you're at home eating Cheetos and trying not to burst into flames, as I currently am. I literally am wearing a caftan right now. BUT I'M AT HOME. (Don't tell anyone.)
Are those cowboy boots?
No thanks.

I totally should have gotten my MFA in poetry, right? I always thought so.

August 21, 2009

Fug Power

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PEOPLE OF THE WORLD:

[Photo: Splash News]

You know how there's that old gag about tagging the words, "in bed" to the end of every fortune cookie's fortune? Like I had one last night informing me that my personal happiness lies in achieving my professional goals. Which is much more salacious if I am achieving said goals....IN BED. I propose that the GFY version of that involves adding the words, "look into pants," to every Spice Girls song lyric that comes to mind until our sweet lady Ginger here gets the message.

For example:

"People of the world: look into pants! Every boy and every girl: LOOK INTO PANTS!"

Or:

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta LOOK INTO PANTS!"

Or:

"Come a little bit closer, baby, get it on, get it on. Cause TONIGHT is the NIGHT that we LOOK INTO PANTS."

Or:

"I'm giving you every thing/ All that joy can bring/ This I swear./ And, all that I want from you/ Is a promise you will LOOK INTO PANTS."

And so forth. I understand that Ginger might think -- being British -- that we are imploring her to wear knickers rather than trousers, but considering how perilous her situation appears in this photo, I think we'd love it if she was sure to wear BOTH, no? I thought so. Now, go forth and sing.

August 7, 2009

I Wanna Tell Her That I Fug Her, But the Point Is Probably Moot

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A Song for Rick Springfield: What Could Have Been And What Used to Be (A Composition to the Tune of Jesse's Girl):

Springfield is a friend.
Yeah, I know he's been
a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
that ain't hard to define.
Rick's got himself an eyelift*
and it really is a crime.

And I'm watching him with those eyes
And I loved him with his old face,
You just know it
He could have held me
in his arms late,
late at night...

You know, I wish that he had his old face!
I wish that Rick has his old face!
Why did he butcher his hot face like that?

I play along with the charade.
There doesn't seem to be
an option for feedback.
You know, I feel so dirty
He used to be so cute.
I wanna tell him that I love him
Now the point is probably moot.

'Cuz look at him with those eyes!
And he's done something misguided to his body,
I just know it!
He could have held me
in his arms late, late, late at night...

JUST LOOK AT RIIIIIIIIIICK'S FAAAAAAAAACE!
I wish that he still had his old face!
Why did he screw with it like that?
Why did he mess with his face like that?

And he's lookin' in the mirror all the time,
Wondering how this sitch came to be.
Everyone was cool, people were cool with his lines
Ain't that the way aging's supposed to be?

TELL ME!

Why did he get an eyelift like that?
You know, I wish that he had his old face.
I wish that Rick had his old face.
I want his old faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace.

Why did he get an eyelift like that?
Rick's old faaaaaaaaaaaace.
I wish that Rick had his old faaaaaaaaaaaace.
I wish...
I wish for Rick's old faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace.

*ALLEGEDLY

July 21, 2009

Lo Bosfugth

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Ode To A Half-Hearted Reality TV Star Who Needs Girlfriends, A Mirror, And A Clue:

[Photo: Splash News]

There was a young Hills star named Lo
Whose dress sense surely did blow.
That shirt with those pants!
Please, allow me to rant
That she looks like she's got a 3-inch torso.

There was a young dude who looked sad
That Lo's outfit was so truly bad.
He stared straight ahead
And wished he were dead
But, alas, he was stuck in this picture walking behind a person who seriously did not know better than to wear that tight strapless thing tucked tightly into high-waisted skinny jeans, like, did she not learn that lesson in 1991 when it was the era of the snap-crotch bodysuit?

THE END. I hope you liked my poem. I worked really hard on the meter, obviously.

June 23, 2009

Iron Fug II

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Haiku For Mickey Rourke

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Mickey, Mickey, no.
Your lunacy can charm, yes.
But you need a shirt

Maybe you forgot?
I know these things can happen.
A Post-It might help!

Truly. Just a note:
"Shoes, pants, shirt, accessories."
Avert a mishap!

I just want to help.
And don't want you to catch cold.
Remember your health!

I'm glad we talked.
Communication is key.
Feel better? I do!

April 17, 2009

Fuglivia Fuglermo

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Oh, Tragic P. Jessica and I took to calling Olivia Palermo by that nickname after the delicious 2007 scandale in which she ALLEGEDLY wrote a letter to all the reigning socialite queen bees (who ALLEGEDLY all hated her) and begged them not to love her, apologizing for being a suck-up -- a letter which MAY have been a fake or MAY have been a huge publicity stunt but which either way ended up making Olivia something of a boldface name in NYC circles. And which resulted in almost no one talking to her -- or only appearing to do so grudgingly, and with considerable off-camera face-making, at the behest of photographers who wanted a picture -- whenever we saw her at Fashion Week (hence the nickname Tragic P). This is what makes her current billing as The Socialite on The City so deliciously ironic.

So anyway, it's been a tough nickname to kick, especially when she shows up at big events in stuff like this:

It's almost poetically icky. In fact:

Tragic P, poor kid:
Pricey shower curtains are
still shower curtains.

Last I checked, Bed Bath
and Beyond doesn't sell clothes.
Even in 'Beyond.'

Drab coat, bad purse choice,
beading from cheap hobby store.
And are those Slinkys?

But City foe Whitney would
have added a floral wreath.
So at least there's that.

February 17, 2009

Shefug Grimes

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How do I fug thee?

f

Let me count the ways:

1) I fug thee to the depth and breadth and height thy blazer can reach, which is to say, that thing is longer than your actual outfit;

2) I fug thee freely, as I strive for right -- and that formal-shorts-romper-thing, the likes of which I bought from Express in eighth grade and wore to school dances, is the opposite of right. You are not in a period-specific remake of 90210, Shenae. You're in an updated continuation of the story of the West Beverly High walls' innumerable bad paint jobs.

3) I fug thee with the passion put to use in my old griefs -- because SERIOUSLY, how many times do I have to complain about you lousy kids and your misperception that mangy laddered hose are attractive? -- and if God choose, I should fug thee better after death, which will come about because your inexplicably sloppy and ridiculous tights HAVE FINALLY FREAKING KILLED ME.

September 11, 2008

I Kissed a Fug

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[Photo: Splash News]

I fugged a girl and I liked it.
Bad taste, stupid outfit.
I fugged a girl just to try it.
Hope her PR don't mind it.
It looked so wrong
It felt so right.
At least she's not wearing hotpants tonight
I fugged a girl and I liked it.

No, you don't even know my name
It doesn't matter.
Your attention-seeking game
Is mere celebrity nature.
It's just what
These girls do
It's how they all behave
My head gets so confused
Brain feels concave.

I fugged a girl and I liked it.
I could not stand her outfit.
I fugged a girl just to try it.
Hope her PR don't mind it.
It looked so wrong
It felt so right.
She wants attention tonight
I fugged a girl and I liked it.
I liked it.

Results tagged “fugging through verse” from GoFugYourself

The Fug Who Stole Christmas

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2 Become Fug

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Joy Fugant

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Fug Power

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I Wanna Tell Her That I Fug Her, But the Point Is Probably Moot

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Lo Bosfugth

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Iron Fug II

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Fuglivia Fuglermo

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Shefug Grimes

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I Kissed a Fug

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