Naomi Watts' belted toga makes her knees look like they're about two inches above her ankle bone, and gives the impression that she's hunched over in bladder-suppressing agony.
I'm telling you all that now because once you see the picture, it's entirely possible your eyes will not travel far enough south to notice the rest of it.
She really should have sold ad space on those nipple flowers.
Oh, PADMA:
You are beautiful. You are accomplished. You are smart. You are wearing the lovechild of a bed sheet, a dust ruffle and the lead actress's costume from a little-known musical called Shotgun Wedding! You need to pack up your knives and go home...to change.
I used to believe that Catherine Zeta Jones could wear a barrel to an event and get away with it.
But since she can't even pull off an Ikea bedspread, I'm beginning to second-guess myself.
Certainly, there has been no shortage of moments in Katie Holmes' life in recent years that have made us go, "Wait, SERIOUSLY?" And that's just from the couch-jumping and the engagement and pregnancy and wedding and fashion-embracing and Posh-befriending; it doesn't even include anything that's happened behind closed doors. Not that we're implying her husband is odd or anything. He's totally normal to us. Everyone we know leaps onto their living-room set at least twice daily. Furniture is a thrill.
At any rate, all things considered, nothing should surprise me with her any more. Yet somehow I still caught myself saying aloud this morning, "Wait... SERIOUSLY? Since when did Katie Holmes become someone who could pull off a TOGA?"
Bear with me here, as we got a lot of e-mails from people who could not have hated this more -- and who will, in fact, greet this with a, "Wait, SERIOUSLY?" of their own. So let me clarify: The dress itself does nothing for me. It definitely has the whiff of bedsheet about it, like maybe her exuberant husband grabbed one off the bed and ran around her twice and then screamed, "GLORIOUS," before hitting his head on the four-poster and passing out cold.
But Katie IN the dress... this I like. Granted, her first best move was to realize that America loves Suri, and that she should reinvent her cranium in her wee sprog's image. They are seriously ever-more the spitting image of one another. As for the dress, though, it kind of takes on a Quality on her body. It's still kind of boring to me on its own merits, and I think on a lot of people I'd be wailing and pulling out my hair. Katie, though, looks really rather pretty. The makeup is tasteful, her bod looks amazing -- I would very much like to borrow her shoulders, if she's looking to broaden her range of charitable acts -- and although the shoes are fairly standard, they ALSO appear to fit her, make her legs look fabulous, and don't overshadow the overall look. As a result, I glance at the dress, but inevitably my attention turns to her hair, her face, her skin, her figure, and the fact that I am pretty sure she is eleven feet tall. And that's how it should be. The dress isn't wearing her; she, bluntly put, is wearing the shit out of it. So you go, Suri-Kate Holmes-Cruise. In my eyes, you won this one.
And feel free to have another kid, because you did a bang-up job the first time. I'm just saying. Think of our needs.
We've gotten a few emails this morning, wondering what the verdict is on Drew Barrymore's dress for the Palm Springs Something Something Film Something Something Awards. I believe some of these emails used the word, "seat belt," and some used the phrase "Girl Scout Merit Badge Sash." But a few of them also used the words, "I dunno. I still kind of like it."
I don't know, readers. Maybe my brain is waterlogged from all the rain we got here in Los Angeles over the weekend (and, word to the wise: in inclement weather, be VERY MINDFUL of whether you are hitting the "interior car light" button, or the "open sunroof" button, or you may be in for a wet surprise), but despite having a strong whiff of Bondage Night Toga Party about it, I kind of like it.
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
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