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August 13, 2009

The Young and the Fugless

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Heather and I were just saying that we love featuring Nicholle Tom, if only because every time she pops up, we get to talk about that awesome episode of 90210 where it is discovered that she's acting out in regards to the death of her brother Poor Dead Scott by changing her clothes every morning in the school bathroom so that she looks WHORIER, and when Brenda discovers this, she and her bodysuit are HORRIFIED.

Then I realized this is actually HEATHER Tom, Nicholle's sister and much celebrated daytime acting artiste. Whoops! In my defense, they look a lot alike and also I picked the wrong week to stop smoking crack.

HOWEVER, I was not incorrect about the fact that her neck-flower makes it appear at first glance as though she's got huge noise-canceling headphones slung around her neck, and in fact, I wish that's what was going on. Because I think the idea of someone showing up to an event all, 'Damn, it might get loud in here and I totally don't want to have to talk to Jack Wagner again,' or whatever, is kind of hilarious.

That said, Ms Tom being a soap-veteran, what is probably happening is that this neck-accoutrement is holding her head on after some kind of terrible near-decapitation. Don't you think? That's how people roll in the daytime dramas, and bless them for it. Let's look at the rest of her outfit:

Continue reading The Young and the Fugless.

December 2, 2008

The Fuggards of Fuggerly Place

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You know, even in my ripe age, I try to be good about keeping up with These Kids Today -- but I just have not been able to tell apart Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. They're both Disney-type starlets, they both sing, they're both (presumably) chomping at the bit to be the next Miley Cyrus. In fact, in my head, I remembered the following photo as being Demi Lovato, and had a whole rant planned about how I finally learned to pick her out of a crowd because I watched her butcher the national anthem at the Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game with a bunch of off-key shouty runs and melismas -- seriously, people, it cannot be said enough: the national anthem is NOT ABOUT YOU -- and how she has a perfectly good voice on its own merits and didn't need to wail all those adornments and GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS.

Then, of course, I rechecked, and this is NOT Demi Lovato. It's Selena Gomez. So I am back to square one, ironing my cranky pants in the hope of getting to wear them for real soon. Behold:

[Photo: Splash News]

The good news for Selena is that she has NOT, to my knowledge, stepped all over "The Star-Spangled Banner" on national television. So in the battle between indistinguishable brunette Disney starlets, she wins on that front. The bad news for her is, she will now be in my memory as The One Who Looks Like A Pot-Pourri Sachet. I want to think it's cute and whimsical, but with the sequins AND the fake flowers AND the giant belt, it's all a bit overdone. She comes off less like a coolly hip young actress than as something that should be attached to a place card at an evening wedding.

poll by twiigs.com

November 11, 2008

Who The Fug...?

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Apparently, this person has worn this look out and about before, but I hadn't stumbled upon it myself -- so, without the caption on this photo from our image provider, I have no idea if I'd have figured out who this is.

I mean, PROBABLY. Especially with the help of the close-up. But she's evocative of several people -- in that vague, unsatisfying way, where I sit and stare and can't put my finger on what amalgam of celebrities she evokes, because she just looks vaguely familiar. Kind of like the time eight years ago when I saw a dude at my hotel in New York and was like, "Wait... I think I went to college with that guy! What was his name again? Shoot..." and then half an hour later I realized it was not an old school chum but in fact Giovanni Ribisi. Whom I have never met.

Many of you have probably already figured out who this is -- or saw one of her earlier appearances with the specs -- but here's a tighter shot to help anyone who's still wondering:

Continue reading Who The Fug...?.

October 28, 2008

To Fug For

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CASEY AFFLECK: You're kidding me. THIS guy? This guy right here? That's Joaquin Phoenix? No.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX: Why are you trying to hurt me, Casey?

CASEY: I just... SERIOUSLY? Are you sure you're not Vincent Gallo?

JOAQUIN: Well, now, I don't think THAT kind of talk is really necessary, Casey.

CASEY: Jack? Jack Black, is that you? You're looking svelte.

JOAQUIN: No, not Jack. You know, this happens a lot to me.

CASEY: A long-lost McConaughey who's named, like, Corn Nuts or something? Am I on Punk'd?

JOAQUIN: That show doesn't exist any more Casey. And now, neither does my self-confidence. I've written a poem about it. Here, let me read a bit...

CASEY: ... THIS GUY? Joaquin? Quick, am I drunk?

JOAQUIN: It goes, "There was a young man with a stained shirt // who didn't care whose feelings he hurt. // I took his bungee-cord belt // and asked how it felt // when I wrapped it around his stupid pointer-finger of judgment and then RIPPED IT OFF AND JAMMED IT IN HIS EAR, which wasn't much effort to exert."

CASEY: That's... so... Joaquin, um, dude, I meant to say you look awesome. You're a handsome devil.

JOAQUIN: Thanks, Casey. I'm so glad we could share. It's nice when people listen.

CASEY: Yes, that's... yes.

September 22, 2008

Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Christina DeRosa

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When I saw this woman in this outfit arrive at the Emmys last night, I thought to myself, "What the hell is Alyssa Milano DOING?" And when I spoke to Heather later that evening, I said to her, "Did you see Alyssa Milano? She was wearing some kind of TRAGIC RUFF." And apparently the dudes at our photo licensing house had the exact same conversation, because this photo was marked "Alyssa Milano" and even ones correctly identified were just stuck in the "Alyssa Milano" section, as though she was close enough:

Of course, this is NOT Alyssa Milano, and is in fact habitual fuggee Christina DeRosa doing a very decent impression of La Milano, who, I'm sure, was at the Dodger game last night and is this very morning sending out a mass email to make sure that everyone she knows is aware she would never go to the Emmys in...this. And especially not carrying what looks like a ceramic fan-purse. La DeRosa, on the other hand, is at home applauding herself in the mirror, both for getting so much attention and for managing to get to the Emmys on the strength of what appears to be -- thanks to the handy PR dude behind her -- called Sex Chronicles for HBO. The new Real Sex, I presume? Then surely, we'll be seeing her again.

August 20, 2008

Fug You Think I'm Sexy

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I canceled my Cosmo subscription a long time ago, once I realized that there is a finite number of sex tips in the universe. But I have learned many, many things thanks to my many, many, many, many years of reading women's magazines: (a) apparently, if you fail to exfoliate before you apply fake tanner the results will be so terrible that you will probably need to take your own life (b) there are a surprising amount of hidden calories in nearly everything you've ever eaten and (c) seriously, if you're dating someone who used to date a celebrity with a very specific and recognizable style, DO NOT START DRESSING JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON (also, you're just asking your boyfriend to accidentally call you "Sienna" in bed, which: awkward):

[Photo: WENN]

Do we need to take up a collection to send some back-issues to Kimberly Stewart?

August 14, 2008

Fug the Cover: Carrie Underwood

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It's not that Carrie Underwood really looks bad here. It's just that she doesn't look like Carrie Underwood. At all. Every time I love at this cover, I think she's someone else: Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, some random girl I've never heard of, a very very Photoshopped Madonna. And pourquoi? Carrie Underwood is a babe. And she looks like a babe here. But a babe we've never met. Why even get a celebrity for your cover if you're going to make sure she doesn't even look like herself?

poll by twiigs.com

April 30, 2008

Fugriends

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Picture it: it's early. I have not yet consumed my customary metric ton of coffee. I am looking at pictures of celebrities, bleary-eyed and not really concentrating (I am thinking instead about American Idol and how boring it is this year, or something equally profound). I see this:

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

I think, "WHAT is Justin Long WEARING? And that's not DREW BARRYMORE. Did they break up while I was on vacation? WHAT IS GOING ON?"

Ten minutes (and a cup of coffee) later: "OH GOOD LORD. That was ROSS. What is WRONG with me? What is wrong with HIM? What is with that TIE?"

Half an hour later: "Seriously, Justin Long. I'm so sorry. You only look like Ross when I am severely under-caffeinated and a little blind. Although maybe this means you should think about a haircut. Schwimmer, I apologize to you, too -- I guess I briefly forgot you existed. And we had some laughs together. Remember that time someone at work ate your sandwich? That was a good time! And at least I took you for someone way younger than you... right? Swap out the tie and hit the Mach-5 and everything will be fine! I promise!"

April 1, 2008

April Fug's Day

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The Sex and the City movie, for me, is really just an opportunity to check in on what new, delicious nonsense the four heroines will wear around town as if it's completely normal, like, say, a flower bigger than your head pinned between your boobs.

Or an ensemble inspired by what Fozzie and Miss Piggy's illicit offspring would look like:

[Photo: Splash News]

Okay, so as you may have guessed from my feeble Photoshop job and the INCREDIBLY SUBTLE title of this post, that is not actually Sarah Jessica Parker up there wearing that outfit. You may be able to guess who it is -- the answer is after the jump -- but first, admit it: If I had been able to pull off a seamless face transplant, you might have believed this and just let it go. It's a very "Carrie Bradshaw Goes To Paris To See What Tiny Hijinks Mikhail Baryshnikov Is Up To These Days" outfit, with the possible caveat that it's almost too tacky, and yes, I totally just wrote the words "too tacky" in reference to Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe and meant them.

But no, the REAL perpetrator of that crime is:

Continue reading April Fug's Day.

March 31, 2008

Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Hal Sparks

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Because I don't get Showtime, I don't know much about what Hal Sparks did on Queer as Folk, so I just remember him as the diminutive but smiley guy who hosted Talk Soup after John Henson.

He was cute. And then he turned himself into Gene Simmons.

Nothing against Gene Simmons, who is a legend, and rightly so. But we already have a Gene Simmons and he's very good at being himself. So unless Hal Sparks is going to play Gene in Trump Vodka Presents Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice: The Movie, By Donald Trump, he might want to cool it. What works on Gene Simmons looks a bit like "cocktail waiter and low-level illusionist at Jack's House of Magic" on poor Hal here. I'm a little afraid that if he opens his mouth, a prosthetic tongue will tumble out and get caught in his waist beads.

Results tagged “mistaken identity” from GoFugYourself

The Young and the Fugless

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The Fuggards of Fuggerly Place

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Who The Fug...?

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To Fug For

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Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Christina DeRosa

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Fug You Think I'm Sexy

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Fug the Cover: Carrie Underwood

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Fugriends

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April Fug's Day

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Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Hal Sparks

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