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November 16, 2009

Unfug It Up: Blake Lively

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Ah, good ol' Boobs Lively. She never disappoints.

Boobs Lively is a fairly apt nickname. They ARE lively. She has great boobs. Let's be frank: The world would see a lot more of mine if they were that awesome. But I'm not sure I'd do it in a top that's quite so "Excuse me, Groomsman No. 3, but the Mother of the Bride would like to see you in ladies' room. Bring champagne, LEAVE THE PANTS."

Of course, I highly doubt anyone in a wedding party, however voracious her appetite for spry man flesh, would have finished the outfit thusly:

Continue reading Unfug It Up: Blake Lively.

November 12, 2009

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

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KEITH URBAN: Psst. Nicole?

NICOLE KIDMAN: Yes?

KEITH: Things had been going so well.

NICOLE: I don't understand. Isn't this color so lovely? Isn't this dress pretty?

KEITH: Yes, but...

NICOLE: And isn't my hair redder than it's been in years?

KEITH: Totally, which is...

NICOLE: Then what? What more do you people want from me?

KEITH: How about circulation in your boobs?

NICOLE: I don't know what you mean.

KEITH: That might be because you can no longer feel them.

NICOLE: But isn't cleavage sexy?

KEITH: Not when it looks a mangled stress toy.

NICOLE: WELL. I wasn't going to say anything about how you're wearing a shirt that's unbuttoned to your sternum -- AGAIN -- but since you're being all huffy...

KEITH: Nice try. But people expect to see my waxed chest. They DEMAND IT.

NICOLE: Riiiight.

KEITH: But they DON'T expect YOUR chest to look like it melted while you were sleeping.

NICOLE: Can we just go inside and get this over with? Now that you mention it, I DO feel like my boobs are about to burst.

KEITH: The open bar will fix that.

NICOLE: Bless.

November 11, 2009

Paula Fugton

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Paula Patton is pregnant.

Pretty pinafore, Paula, but please ponder putting your plentiful pregnancy peaches in a potentially roomier place. Your pectoral plethora is pouring out profusely.

October 27, 2009

Fughab

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I just wrote this whole post about a picture of Amy Winehouse, and then I realized I needed to put the photo itself after a jump because, in addition to not being safe for those of you with a sensitive aesthetic sensibility, nor is it safe for work.

BEWARE. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. (Also: you've seen worse so don't be TOO scared. I mean, a little fear is good. Invigorating, even. But we're not talking a trip to Downstairs Ladyville. It's not THAT NSFW. But it is PRETTY unsafe for...oh, just make sure your boss isn't standing behind you and look.)

Continue reading Fughab.

October 16, 2009

Fugdan

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This is just so SUBTLE.

So UNDERSTATED. Gosh, I hope people don't stop paying attention to her! What if no one SEES HER? What if no one NOTICES HER? THE HORROR.

September 21, 2009

Emmy Awards Fug Show: Blake Lively and Leighton Meester

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BLAKE LIVELY: Hi L.

LEIGHTON MEESTER: Hey, B.

BLAKE: Am I showing way too much skin?

LEIGHTON: As usual. Boobs OR legs, remember, Blake?

BLAKE: I have the worst time with that.

LEIGHTON: We know. And your dress has an open back.

BLAKE: So?

LEIGHTON: You're beating us about the head and neck with your hotness, when you really ought to just let it hug us tenderly.

BLAKE: I don't know what that means.

LEIGHTON: Stop showing so much skin. For the 10th time.

BLAKE: Your turn.

LEIGHTON: Whatever do you mean?

BLAKE: Uh. Your dress is like way too big for you and you're wearing shoulder pads that give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "don't squeeze the Charmin."

LEIGHTON: What new meaning is that?

BLAKE: I don't know. It was the only toilet paper joke I could think of.

LEIGHTON: Bitch, please, this outfit is directional.

BLAKE: It should have directed you to a tailor. And what about your face? At least my makeup looks awesome.

LEIGHTON: Your hair doesn't.

BLAKE: WE'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT YOU:

Continue reading Emmy Awards Fug Show: Blake Lively and Leighton Meester.

August 11, 2009

9021fug

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So, Bangs from the new 90210 doesn't have bangs anymore (kind of like how Headbands stopped wearing headbands -- thank God we still have Drunkface), which means I either have to start using her name (BORING), learn her character's name (SIGH) or just keep calling her Bangs even though it's no longer apt. I think we all know which one I'm going to go with here.

Which ol' Bangs ought to appreciate, as she might not want her name attached to this photo.

The dress alone isn't so much the problem -- yes, she looks like she's at her seventh-grade back-to-school dance, now that These Kids Today constantly clothe themselves like they're at a Nickelodeon cocktail party. But whatever. Some people have very pleasant memories of being in seventh grade and thinking "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was the most romantic song ever just by dint of being slow. Maybe she just wanted to throw her arms over some dude's shoulders and shift side-to-side down memory lane.

The issues here, which are CREATED by the dress, are twofold: lefty and righty. I know you can tell where I'm going with this, but let's peer more closely at what we're dealing with:

Continue reading 9021fug.

July 24, 2009

My New BFugF

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Dear Dubai:

We must talk. It's my understanding that Paris Hilton recently spent three weeks in the United Arab Emirates filming a version of her fallacious search-for-a-best-pal reality show that would be aimed at audiences in the Middle East. In light of that information, I have but two requests for you. One, may we send along a note to be read aloud at the beginning of every episode, in which the rest of America totally disclaims its association with her and swears to your entire geographic region that we are not ALL twit strumpets with an allergy to syllables and vocal inflection?

And two:

Are you SURE you don't want to keep her? We don't really need her any more -- I'm not sure we ever did -- and I think she's actually TRYING to make her boobs pop out of this dress on the red carpet, which means she's effectively attempting to do something on purpose that made even Tara Reid cry when it happened to her by accident. That's saying something. So really... I mean, if you want her, please, we'll give her up. Maybe we'll even throw in the sister.

Pretty please?

Love,
Heather

June 9, 2009

Jenna Fugeson

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First off, I'm thrilled to report that Jenna Jameson, former adult film star/entrepreneur extraordinaire, is looking very healthy after having her babies a couple of months ago. I was scared she was going to ratchet down to crazy skinny again, but I think she looks fabulous just as she is. Outfit excluded:

Girl. I know your job history may have slightly warped your view of what is actually considered clothing, but I'm pretty sure this was last seen on a showgirl in Atlantic City's famous Ancient Greece-themed revue, Topless Acropolis.

May 1, 2009

Fug or Fab: Uma Thurman

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Uma Uma Uma Uma.

[Photo: WENN.com]

You are, of course, a timeless beauty and this dress is theoretically lovely. But do I, or do I not want to come over and yank it up just about an inch and a half? Do I, or do I not want to revamp your accessories? Do I, or do I not want to ask you if maybe -- should I choose not to hoist your dress up a wee bit -- you might want to put on a bra? Do I? Or do I not?

poll by twiigs.com

Results tagged “mondo cleavage” from GoFugYourself

Unfug It Up: Blake Lively

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CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

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Paula Fugton

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Fughab

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Fugdan

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Emmy Awards Fug Show: Blake Lively and Leighton Meester

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9021fug

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My New BFugF

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Jenna Fugeson

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Fug or Fab: Uma Thurman

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