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June 30, 2009

My Big Fat Fug Wedding

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So...this didn't go that well, did it?

Oh, NIA. You're cute as the proverbial button and, according to what I read in People, things are going awesome for you: new movie, happy family, etc etc. So why on earth are you out and about in what appears to be a velour nightgown layered over a black Second Skin Satin bra? This is not what you wear to a premiere! This is what you wear when you're standing in your kitchen in your nightgown making coffee and you realize that you need to move your car for street-cleaning, but the fools across the street are always hanging out on their lawn screwing around and you can't go out there without a bra on because they will be all eyeballing you and it will be awkward when all you want to do is just to move your damn car. You throw on a bra under your nightgown and run outside and move the car and then you come back inside the house. You don't throw on a bra under your nightgown and run outside and move the car....to Beverly Hills for a movie screening. Honey. Come on. You can do better.

March 4, 2009

Final Fugstination

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I am not an Ali Larter fan, as regular readers are aware. She is certainly very pretty, but I don't think she's nearly compelling enough on Heroes to justify their refusal to allow her character (in whatever iteration) to stay dead -- at least, for as long as I was watching, since I quit Heroes one and a half episodes into this season and have never been happier. I've also (a) personally witnessed her acting like an ass to a journalist at a press opportunity and (b) have literally never heard anything nice about her via ye old grapevine. Which is not to say that she ISN'T totally amazing as a person, but merely that perhaps her PR honchos ought to consider having her rescue a puppy from a burning building on the 405 at rush hour, just to get that balance of popular opinion back in working order. So, suffice it to say, it doesn't particularly pain me to direct your attention to this:

I had no idea the Joan Collins Primarily Peignoirs line was so multi-use.

February 10, 2009

Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Nikki Cox

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Well...her lips seem to have (sort of) deflated since the last time we saw Nikki Cox:

But she seems to have had an Elizabeth Wakefield-esque accident at some point over the last few months and instead of waking up believing she was her own twin sister, she came out of her magical coma believing that she's her character from Las Vegas, but with more nightgowns and stripper shoes. Presumably, eventually she'll run into Josh Duhamel and he'll do her a solid and crack her on the head with a coconut (or whatever's at hand) to bring her back to herself, at which point I suspect she will feel forced to begin an investigation of any crimes she may have committed during her period of derangement. Activity of Interest Number One: how the hell she got this dress to stay up, and what was involved in keeping her nipples wrangled. I suspect the answer might be Super Glue.

November 20, 2008

Full Fugs

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You know, I'm beginning to think Mary-Kate is just trying to plan ahead and be smart:

If she stocks up now on daytime caftans, evening caftans, and pajama caftans -- of which this could actually be considered any, or all -- then by the time she and Ashley are ready to reunite for Full House of Golden Girls, they'll already have enough wardrobe for four seasons. She could wear this for the episode when Ashley almost gets married to a shyster who, we learn later, secretly hit on their elderly mother (played by Dakota Fanning in all of Estelle Getty's old makeup). Or she could don this for a midnight cheesecake binge. Or for lemonade on the lanai. Or bingo night. God, it's just so all-purpose. Clever girl.

November 6, 2008

Me & Fug

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"Damn, it's cold. What is wrong with me? I sleep in this thing under a duvet, but I'm wearing it to a party in New York with no coat? In NOVEMBER? I don't think I'm drunk. I'm pretty sure I did not hit my head on the toilet seat, since I haven't drawn any flux capacitors recently. So I must have lost a bet. Which means that in addition to getting pneumonia, unsightly goosebumps, and being unable to sit down all night without a sanitary liner, I am going to owe some asshat on my staff $100. Awesome."

October 9, 2008

Byrdie Fug

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You guys, I have finally finished my correspondence course! Mind-Reading Through Photography 101! Just in time to interpret this photo of Socialite Byrdie Bell!

Okay, okay. I know I can do this. All right, let me focus in on the subject's eyes. Yes....yes....I'm getting something. She's thinking...."Take my picture, you foolish plebeian and stop looking at me." Uh, that's kind of rude. We could sort of tell that from her face, too, right? Um, let's see, I'm sensing something else... "My coat is awesome." True -- but a bit self-congratulatory. "My shoes f'ing rule, you loser." Yes, the shoes are good. But why so crabby, Socialite Byrdie Bell? "I'm also wearing my grandma's wrinkled old slip as a dress. So what? I can look like a cranky old bag with good taste in accessories crawling out to grab her copy of The National Enquirer before dawn breaks if I want to. Drop dead!" Hmm. Fair enough. It IS a free country. But there's no need to be such a crabapple! Just look down at those shoes, sugar plum. They ought to cheer anyone up.

September 19, 2008

Fug Mathews

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MEG MATHEWS: Smile, darling! We're at a fashion show!

ANAIS: But Mummy, I'm hungry.

MEG: Ssh, not now, darling. Mummy's got her goods on display.

ANAIS: But MUMMY, I have to go to the loo and I want some candy.

MEG: Yes, darling, just hold on a little bit longer, okay? Mummy's busy playing Spot The Nipple with the nice man and his camera.

ANAIS: Ooh, is this the game that ends in Daddy saying that he can see everything except your dignity?

MEG: Humph. Children. They can be so inappropriate.

July 3, 2008

Fug on Over

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nighties,
shapeless

Dear Jessica Simpson,

The rumors that you've heard are true: I am starting to feel for you. All the tabloids are obsessed with your love life, and acting like you're about six seconds away from dying a dried up old spinster crone if you don't get married again RIGHT NOW. You're not even thirty! No one's complaining about how Nick Lachey appears to be dating someone who hasn't had an actual job other than going on vacation for like three years. Can't they give you a break? So in honor of my recent feelings of fondness for you, I am going to do you a solid:

[Photo: Splash News]

When picking out a maxi-dress for the day, try your damnedest to make sure you choose one that doesn't look exactly like a nightgown, okay? See! I want to help!

Love,

Jessica

May 1, 2008

Fugliwood

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nighties,
The Hills

So, at this point, even though I watch The Hills (the world's most uneventful show, considering its soapy reputation, although Lauren Conrad should seriously reconsider the way she lets them portray her -- she and Lo come off terribly bratty lately), I am ALSO really sick of it and wish it and its cast would go away for a while so we could see if we miss them.

Tops on the "Please Just STOP" list is Heidi Montag. Not only did she finagle her way to the White House Correspondents' Dinner (along with her apparent physical idol, Pamela Anderson), but she somehow got herself on Letterman. And what did she choose to wear? Why, a filmy slip that's falling off and exposing her bra, of course.

[Photo: Splash News]

With the slip, strap, thrust-out chest and gladiator booties -- which I accidentally typed first as "gladiator boobies," which actually is also eerily accurate, and might be how I refer to her in my head from now on -- this all feels a bit like Heidi is auditioning for the Victoria's Secret catalog. Although it would also make an excellent Paris Hilton costume for Halloween, as the whole thing has the kind of inexpensive and tarty ring of a line of nighties P.Hil might "design" and hawk at Wal-Mart or something. But if you are an overexposed and annoying reality star, it's probably a good rule of thumb NOT to to strut around town evoking a reality star who is even MORE overexposed and annoying than you are. But then again, nobody ever accused Heidi of making great decisions (ahem, Spencer).

Also, with a recent history of being forced to listen both to Heidi blathering about L.C. and Spencer and sex tapes AND Paris Hilton puking up wooden platitudes about lessons learned in prison, I'm sort of shocked Dave hasn't ripped of his ears and/or taken to dropping heavy furniture from a great height onto his talent bookers. Stay strong, Dave. Things have to get better. Right?

April 24, 2008

The Parent Fug

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Okay, so I'm sure there are way cooler things to love Natasha Richardson for, but mine is her part in The Parent Trap, a.k.a. the Crossroads of Lindsay Lohan's career -- you know, the flick that's hard to watch because she was so cute and innocent then and you had no idea she was going to fry the red out of her hair and turn into a leggings-wrapped hellchild. Natasha plays her mom, and she's really endearing in it, and what can I say? I'm a sap.

Don't you just LOVE when there's a "however," though? And there is one.

I'm not denying that she's got great gams, but is this not a tiny bit lingerie-influenced? By which I mean, straight out of the Trashy Lingerie storefront? I would expect Lindsay's ACTUAL mother to cavort around town in her skivvies, because she's awful. Natasha Richardson, though, seems more normal and low-key than all that -- certainly not the type to stoke the fires of her primary breadwinner's problems (allegedly, etc.) and then allow her other, younger daughter to look 14-going-on-34 so she can exploit her on a reality show.

How did this fug become all about how I think Dina Lohan is gross? I'd better finish this before it becomes a treatise on the emotional glories of The Biggest Loser and the various taste differences between Diet Coke and Coca-Cola Light. Suffice to say that this outfit, despite her fab figure and general bodaciousness, looks as if Natasha thought she was walking into a grand romantic gesture by Liam Neeson and not, in fact, a film festival party. Unless they were killing two birds with one venue. Hey, whatever keeps the home fires stoked.

Results tagged “nighties” from GoFugYourself

My Big Fat Fug Wedding

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Final Fugstination

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Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Nikki Cox

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Full Fugs

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Me & Fug

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Byrdie Fug

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Fug Mathews

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Fug on Over

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Fugliwood

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The Parent Fug

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