Results tagged “purple” from GoFugYourself

November 5, 2009

Everybody's Fug

Apparently, Drew here -- promoting Everybody's Fine, a movie I had no idea even existed, with a title that inspires absolutely no curiosity in me because, hey, if everybody's fine, then I don't need to pay $13 to check in with them -- is wearing one of Victoria Beckham's creations.

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Time was, if we'd heard Posh would be designing clothes, we'd be girding our loins for leopard-print corsets attached to a skirt made of one linen napkin and a riding crop, a tutu made of soccer balls, or some kind of actual high-fashion loin-girder constructed from leather and three kitchen knives. Seriously, rewind to 2005, and ask yourself if you'd have envisioned this dress when someone said the words, "Designed by Victoria Beckham."

Some of Posh's other stuff is quite pretty, but this one is leaving me cold. It's very Walking Up The Aisle At A Winter Wedding, While Making Eye Contact With Hot Single Groomsman No. 2. I'm not entirely sure if the bodice fits, and the length is very stumpifying. I want it to be shorter. Indeed, as much as Drew has quirked it up lately to a level that is confusing to me (I will never understand the skunk dye job, for instance), this seems so tame that her very Drewness, that lively spirit, has gotten lost in its stodgy eggplant embrace. Woe. Indeed, I started this post as a Fug or Fab, and then realized I'd written the entire thing without very much optimism for the "fab" vote.

Eh, might as well put it to a poll anyway.

October 1, 2009

Unfug It Up: Eve

Let's start at the top: Why does it look like Eve is wearing a toupee on top of her actual hair?

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The rest of the outfit looks kind of like Rapunzel with a support-garment fetish. Personally, I'd hack off the sleeves and call it 100 percent better, but since I'm also a bit sick of boning and corsetry, I could stand to repave either the skirt or the top or both with some fabric that doesn't show all that. Also: Boning and Corsetry should be the title of a randy bodice-ripper with Fabio on the cover. It could be Project Runway but set in the 17th century, and with a lot more sexual allusions drawn to things like "broken bobbins" and "one day you're in, and the next, you're out." Excuse me, I have to go start writing...

In the meantime, while I am churning out pages of this future literary masterwork, what would you do to Eve's dress? (It goes without saying, I think, that the hair needs to be destroyed.) Have at it in the comments. The usual rules apply: be on-topic, be nice, be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
Is every single piece I write about the Emmys going to begin, "When I first saw this dress on the red carpet, I [hated it/loved it/spilled my drink with glee/choked on my hot pocket], but now I get a better look at it, I [want to marry it/feel like vomiting/want to die/can't decide]?

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The answer to that rhetorical question is: yes. When I first saw this dress, I was like, OH HONEY NO. But it's sort of grown on me in the last three days, like mold on a fine blue cheese. I think it helps that SHE is so pretty. (By the way, I assume you read that article in Fitness where she says she has actual scars from the zippers on her size zero costumes on Lipstick Jungle cutting into her body? Can I just say, WTF? I know those are sample sizes sent over from the designer or whatever, but she's a PERSON. Her costumes should not be MAKING HER BLEED. SEND. THE GIRL. THE RIGHT SIZE. DRESS. Jeez.) Nevertheless, I kind of think it's more successful now than I first did, but perhaps that's just because I've mellowed over the last three days, thanks to the immense amount of shirtlessness I've witnessed on The CW since Monday. God bless.
 
I enjoy how, in photos, Ginnifer Goodwin always seems to be cocking her head and looking at the camera with intense eyes, as if to say, "Come on, hit me with it. I can take it. I'm ready. DO YOUR WORST.

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"You want to tell me the necklace reminds you a bit of Halls cough drops on a string? FINE. You think the bodice looks like a construction-paper valentine? BRING IT. You want to wax nostalgic about how you were lousy at drawing even hearts, so you'd draw half of one on a folded piece of paper, cut, and then open it up and VOILA, instant symmetry? And how this dress has now made you reminisce about kindergarten in a way that you haven't since the last time you walked past a toy aisle and saw the Play-Doh Mop Top Hair Shop and secretly thought about buying it for yourself even though you were fully grown? HAVE AT IT. I CAN HANDLE IT. I AM TOUGHER THAN YOUR STUPID ANECDOTES. As long as you give me credit for not gluing any part of this to a doily. Can you do that? CAN YOU?"

Congratulations to Padma Lakshmi!

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She may have lost the Emmy to Jeff Probst, but it appears from her dress that she won the Kentucky Derby, so that should be balm to her wound.
So, I stopped watching Weeds right around when Nancy Botwin decided it would be a good idea to traipse around Tijuana dressed like a prostitute. I mean, Mary-Louise Parker has a great body and all, but when you're smuggling illegal drugs across the Mexican/US border, maybe you ought to consider looking a bit less conspicuous.

However, I'm beginning to wonder if an excessive attachment to whipping out the gams is a Nancy Botwin affectation, or if it's a trait of Mary-Louise Parker's that has bled from fact into fiction. Behold:

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This dress is cute. I like it. She's in great shape (she's 45! She looks ten years younger -- thanks perhaps to Botox, in part, but still!). This could totally work...for a cocktail party. Or a movie premiere. And even then, perhaps it would be better on someone very young, like Vanessa Hudgens young, because it smells a bit cutesy for me with the bow. For the Emmys? On a grown-ass woman? REALLY? I don't think so. 
I love Debbi Morgan. LOVE HER. I totally remember way back in the day, the first time she played Angie on All My Children, she and Jesse were this amazing super couple and then -- conveniently while I was home from school on summer vacation -- Jesse got shot and DIED and Angie totally cried over his dead body in this hospital and EVERYONE ELSE cried too, including my mother who -- if I remember correctly -- was doing some ironing at the time. It was even more upsetting than the time Jenny Gardner's jet ski exploded. So when she and Darnell Williams, who played Jesse, came back to AMC this year, I was very excited because I LOVE them, and then I sort of started watching All My Children again, which is great because I totally don't watch enough television. But despite my mad love for Debbi, I do wish she'd worn....something that wasn't this:

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This looks like a parachute that didn't properly deploy. Which I honestly can't believe I haven't seen happen on MORE soaps. Flinging someone out of a plane with a non-working parachute is just as awesome as tossing them down an elevator shaft or locking them in an abandoned mine, but also, unfortunately for Debs, said parachutes are not very flattering.

I will, however, let it slide, mostly because talking about Debbi Morgan has allowed me to segue into a brief discussion about her other gig, which was acting as a judge on the DEEPLY MISSED SOAPnet reality series, I Wanna Be A Soap Star, which was possibly one of the most hilarious and amazing shows on TV and I'm actually not really being all that sarcastic. That show was insanely entertaining and I am sort of distraught that it seems to be no more. It was -- as perhaps you can imagine -- a reality show in which people competed for a thirteen week gig on a soap opera. Every week, contestants would be, like, throwing drinks in each other's faces or making out or pretending to be in an effective coma. And they all had to live, literally, in like a cell at CBS Radford or something and it was AWESOME. Some of the contestants actually went on to get legitimate daytime acting gigs, and then I just saw one of them in the background of an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker, so....the talent was varied, is what I am saying. And I really need them to bring it back. They can totally use my parachute plot point, for free.

Bree Williamson plays a character on One Life To Live who has multiple personalities. What I didn't know is that she herself has a few alter-egos. One is that of a soap actress...

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... and one is that of a woman who runs the Renaissance Faire's most popular food stands, Francis Bacon-Wrapped Hot Dogs, Ferdinand Magell-O Shots, and of course the nationally renowned Hieronymus Borscht.
August 24, 2009

Home Fug Hollywood

Oh, Tori. I just don't know.

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Actually, I do know: this kind of looks like the satin tablecloth that covers the dressing room vanity in a fabulously glamorous old movie wherein the heroine does a lot of swishing around in peignoirs, lighting cigarettes with giant jewel-encrusted lighters and waving her martini glass about insouciantly, while denying to everyone -- ESPECIALLY HERSELF -- that she's in love with the dapper leading man, who is never seen without a tie. Which is AWESOME. But a piece of advice: dress like the WOMAN, not the TABLE. It's sort of Fashion 101.
This one has been brewing for a while now, but I keep forgetting to wax confused by it. Behold Audrina Patridge, having completed -- presumably -- her transformation into having more fun:

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

It's not that she looks so terrible as a blonde, but... really? Did The Hills need another blonde? Granted, the only other brunettes on that show are Stacy The Bartender, who injected idiotic fake drama into the Speidi relationship with all the skill and enthusiasm of someone trying to shove a brick through a tennis racket, and the terminally drippy Jayde -- girlfriend of the terminally cheesy Brody Jenner. So I can't say I blame Audrina for wanting to distance herself from that aesthetic. But she was also THE brunette on the show for a long time, and there's no way anyone who watches is going to mistake her for either of those other two yokels, so why she felt the need to make herself just like everyone else on The Hills is beyond me. She doesn't even get to fall back on being The One With The Giant Fake Boobs, because Heidi got there first. Too bad, so sad.

While we're here: I can't even work up a criticism of the outfit because it's just sort of there. (Kind of like Audrina herself at times.) The shoes are fun and I like the bag, but maybe not together -- certainly not both of them with that fuchsia. And the dress is kind of sagging on her boob job, which in many respects defeats the purpose of getting a boob job -- and seriously, honey, if you're insistent on wearing a strapless dress, can't you at least get out the power sander and slough off those tan lines?

Huh. Turns out I could work up a criticism on the outfit. Who knew?

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