Results tagged “royalty” from GoFugYourself

PRINCE ALBERT: AAAH! Um, I mean, ah! It's you, sis! Hi! Ah!

PRINCESS CAROLINE: What's wrong? You seem sort of startled.

ALBERT: ME? No, no, what could POSSIBLY be alarming to me on this glorious night in Monaco?

CAROLINE: It's not ME, is it? Is there something in my teeth?

ALBERT: HA!... Er, I mean, aha, AHA, maybe there is. Yes.

CAROLINE: I hope nobody else noticed!

ALBERT: Oh, I'm pretty sure no one's looking at your teeth.

CAROLINE: Aw, thanks, you're sweet. You look very dapper yourself.

ALBERT: I wasn't... hey, isn't it COLD outside? Don't you want to be wearing a coat? FREEZING. I've never been colder.

CAROLINE: It IS a bit nippy out. Could I just borrow your jacket for a few minutes to warm up a tad?

ALBERT: NO. It's... I mean, this old thing, it's very thin, rather careworn, you'd almost be colder. Maybe we could get you a really LONG wool coat? Or maybe a comforter to wrap yourself in, all toasty-like? Doesn't that sound divine?

CAROLINE: You're so silly. And what's with the red kerchief? Bit showy, don't you think? Tsk, tsk, little brother!

ALBERT: You know what, forget it -- I'm going to find some appetizers. Good luck, fool! I hope Liza Minnelli doesn't send any thugs to beat you up for stealing her dress! Oh, and NICE F'ING PURSE.

CAROLINE: Hmm, what? Did you just say something? Sorry, I was just checking my teeth one more time. What about Nigel's purse?

ALBERT: Sigh. NOTHING.

Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. C'mon, honey -- what's hidden up in there? Your stash? The Dormouse?

This woman, Sarah Buys, is apparently Tom Parker-Bowles' fiance, and is apparently a fashion editor at Harpers & Queen:

She therefore, if she has that alleged fashion expertise, ought to have reconsidered pairing a black polka-dot blazer with colorfully spotted -- but cute, with a different outfit -- shoes. You can't mix plaids; why mix dots? And why so many of them? She's spottier than a pubescent boy. And... I don't know, I think that's some sort of Girl Guides beanie perched on her head. Are those merit badges? [I think one of them is for Skill in Choosing a Non-Aggressive, Non-Feathered Hat.]

But the crowning glory of Ms. Buys' ensemble is the back of the skirt:

Before you ask, no, it's not like that just because she's climbing up onto a bus. And no, she didn't go to the bathroom and accidentally get it tucked up into her tights. The skirt is deliberately like that -- all bunched up like an unmade bed, ready to show the world a flash of her granny girdle. The people at Harpies & Queens must be so proud.

Remember that old Dana Carvey character from Saturday Night Live, called Massive Head Wound Harry? He'd walk around with a giant open wound, set at a jaunty angle, taking up half his skull.

I feel like Laura Parker-Bowles might have been watching The Best of Dana Carvey before she showed up at her mother's wedding:

I'm not sure what that is on her head -- it's a hat; it's a gold-painted model of an atom; it's a hidden weapon that, when thrown, decapitates your foe; it's the world's most untimely bubble-gum accident and there wasn't a nearby pair of scissors with which to cut out the tangle... The list goes on.

What the had isn't, is attractive. Everyone around her needs to watch out -- that thing could severely injure someone's precious, precious eyes. Don't get too close, for the love of God.

Charles: Er... I say, 'Milla, don't mean to be a bother, but... something rather naughty is trying to attack.

Camilla: Ooohh, filthy! Do hush up and smile, Pickles. If you talk like that I'm going to get all bothered.

Charles: No, Randy Pants, what I meant was, there's this enormous thing erected on your...

Camilla: You are a horny old hound! If you touch me with that, Wiggle, then I simply won't be able to keep my skirt from going over my head. You know I don't totally adore playing the bagpipe in public...

Charles: Don't tease me, Love Pouch -- I was just referring to the rather aggressive-looking creature that's about to tear off your head.

Camilla: I don't know what you're talking about, Trouser Snake, but in about two seconds I'm going to rip off this hat and use it to hide behind while I give the crown jewels a good polish.

Charles: I... Hat? ... Oh.

The dress ended up understated, flattering, and elegant. But the hat... oh, Camilla, the hat. Has Mischa Barton gotten to her, too? Is the bony waif's fug vibe going transatlantic? Why on Earth would Camilla want to look like an awards-show statuette on her wedding day? It's like Charles just accepted a trophy for Excellence in Using The Public's Love of Weddings As A Way of Waving Off The Stench of Public Scandal. Or perhaps Camilla didn't choose the hat at all, and was in fact just crowned "Best Supporting She-Male" by a grateful British press corps.

Actually, I confess: I generally think Camilla gets a raw deal and isn't as fugly as the press portrays her to be. But I can't help her when she goes and wears hats that look like the an unfriendly wind just ruffled through her faux-Farrah feathers. Unless she's just trying to distract from her husband's ever-more-balding head by shaping her own headgear to resemble the world's worst female combover.

Ladies and gentleman, I present Princess Claire of Belgium. Although in this picture, it appears that she is confused and believes she may be part of the royal family of Belfug:

A toile pantsuit? With matching toile shoes? And a TOILE FEDORA? It looks like Laura Ashley exploded all over Dick Tracy and then decided to take in a parade.

Maybe Princess Claire is secretly very shy, and this outfit allows her to blend -- like a salamander! -- in with her palatial surroundings, as toile is generally meant only for posh bedroom wallpaper, arm chairs and the occasional duvet. In which case, poor dear, her fellow royals are probably sitting on her all the time. "Holy Jesus, Claire! You scared me! I didn't see you sitting that chair!" "Heavens, Claire, have I trod on you again? You blend in with the paper!" "Begging your pardon, your Highness, I thought this bed was unoccupied."

Toile: Camouflage for the upper crust.