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November 9, 2009

Kenzie Fugton

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[Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: Kenzie. Don't look up. Stare at the ground.

KENZIE DALTON: Why, Chad?

CHAD MM: Because.

KENZIE: That's a bad reason. If I stare at the ground, no one will see my face, and then I'll never get in Us Weekly and our whole mystifying 4-year engagement will be for NAUGHT.

CMM: Look, everyone already thinks I'm a douche, okay? I just don't want them to think I am in any way associated with those pants. Or that refried Carrie Bradshaw flower on your coat.

KENZIE: You're being annoying. Am I old enough to drink yet? Because I need one.

CMMMMMMMMM: Just hurry, okay, before anyone recognizes us.

KENZIE: No, Chad. Stop. You're denying America your special gift. Do you really want to skulk anonymously through the night, just because it looks like a small child ran with scissors directly at my pants? Do you? Is THAT the kind of man I'm marrying?

CM-SQUARED: Well, but we're never ACTUALLY getting married, are we?

KENZIE: LOOK UP AND DO WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO, or else I will wear these pants every day.

C-DOUBLE-M: FINE. I'll do it.

Continue reading Kenzie Fugton.

October 23, 2009

Miss Fugly

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"Hey guys,"

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry I'm late but you wouldn't BELIEVE what I had to go through to get here. First, so I'm leaving my apartment, right? And I'm waiting for the elevator and it gets to my floor and the door opens and I walk in and I fall right down the elevator shaft. The door just opened and the car wasn't there! But luckily I only fell like....I dunno....thirty feet? Right. So, I manage to shimmy up the wall of the elevator shaft and I haul myself up onto my floor and I decide, fine -- I'll take the stairs. So I take all forty flights of stairs and when I get outside, I realize I'm really running late, so I decide to cut through the park, okay? So I'm walking along minding my own business and the next thing you know, I swear to God, this cat the size of a goat FLIES out of a tree and onto my head. So I'm wrestling this feral cat for seriously I don't even know how long, like at least twenty minutes. And then once I ditched the cat, I had to run, you know, because I know I'm really late now, and of course it's dark, and I'm in these heels and then OF COURSE I tripped and I fell into a giant pile of brambles. I do NOT know what they were doing in the middle of the pathway, it must have been some kind of gardening miscommunicado, but it took me forever to extract myself from them, and, actually, I think some of them might have been on fire. And then just as I was leaving of the park, a gang of girl hoodlums jumped me and stole my bag and made fun of my ponytail, like all, 'Didn't you learn anything from The September Issue? Why is your dress all covered in holes and torn up at the bottom? We hated G.I. Joe,' and I was like, 'bitch, I just fell down an elevator shaft, wrestled a feral cat, was brutally attacked by flora, almost caught on fire, and had my bag stolen by hooligans. How do you EXPECT ME TO LOOK? I'VE HAD A LONG NIGHT.' And after that, they left me alone.

Anyway. That's why I'm late. And why my dress looks like it's just been through the third act of a Michael Bay film. So sorry. Can someone just direct me to the bar? Thanks."

August 20, 2009

Sorority Fug

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So, when I start writing an entry here, I usually put placeholders for the copy, and then place the picture, and then I start to write.

Which means that I just spent twenty minutes staring at a draft of this entry in which Audrina was bracketed solely by, "WORDS HERE" on either side of this photo. I feel like I could have just posted it like that and you would have known what I was going to say anyway. Said words would have included: "WTF," "girl, please," "Whitesnake," "I'm so sure," "LC," "eyeliner," "seriously," "bra," "Uggs," "ugh," "nudity," "CC DeVille," and a Playboy crack tied to Heidi Pratt nee Montag. See, I don't even need to finish it now. Awesome.

August 13, 2009

The Fugs Next Door

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You know, I am someone who doesn't have a problem showing up places a little overdressed. (Not that you'd ever guess that looking at me right this moment.) I feel like, my pretty clothes hardly ever get to leave the house, since I work from home, so I might as well trot them out now and then. But there is a line. AND THIS IS WAY OVER IT:

THIS is the premiere of a movie about used car salesmen that Jeremy Piven was reduced to promoting on Big Brother. YOU, Holly Madison, look like you're attending a ball where the dress code is "Into the Woods Formal." I understand that now you've broken up with Hef, you don't have the opportunity to throw wildly extravagant theme parties anymore, and that must be tough for you. But there is a time and a place to work through your unquenchable desire to dress like you're the love child of an ostrich and a tree, and this, my dear, is not it.

June 16, 2009

Fabiolfug Berafuga

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Fabiola Beracasa is fast becoming my favorite socialite of the bunch -- which might not be saying much, since I don't tend to think about any of them unless we're at Fashion Week and are tasked with trying to distinguish one from the next, but that doesn't make it any less true. This woman is RELIABLE. Remember this? And this? And these? Well, there's more to add to the collection.

Let's start with the old -- somehow, back at the beginning of June, I completely missed this:

[Photo: WENN.com]

It's like she strapped on her orthopedic ankle braces and walked to the funeral of the dude who invented the paper shredder. It will be so moving when she removes her crown of fake blossoms and places it tenderly on his coffin, right before it's shoved through a wood-chipper.

So we've covered something old, and something blue -- let's hit up something new, in the form of what she wore last night:

Continue reading Fabiolfug Berafuga.

June 10, 2009

The Fugs

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So, I have to admit that I personally am kind of stoked that Kristin Cavallari is joining the cast of The Hills. I loved her on Laguna Beach and I really appreciate that kind of relaxed shit-stirrer vibe she has. Like, she has no problem riling people up, you know? But she does it the way I would order a latte: totally, totally calmly, like it's something she does every day and she knows she's about ten minutes away from getting exactly what she wants and she just has to wait patiently for it to be handed to her. Whereas, say, Spencer Pratt riles people up the way I would walk into a cloud of killer bees: screeching and screaming and waving his arms around like a little girl. I know K. Cav introduced Spencer and Heidi whilst she was dating Brody, and I admit I really hope that while she's working on luring Brody away from his crazy current girlfriend she takes a moment to inflict some soft-scripted power play on Spencer that will bring him to his knees in the span of about fifteen seconds because I seriously think she could do it, mostly because I think she realizes Spencer is ridiculous and she isn't scared of him the least, whereas he sort of freaked out LC on a regular basis (which I can kind of get). HOWEVER, this has got to go:

[Photos: Splash News]

Sweet pea. That's just too tight. And look at the rest of it:

Continue reading The Fugs.

May 18, 2009

Fugler Momsen

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FERGIE: Listen, Taylor, we should talk.

TAYLOR: Can't talk. Need to look sultry.

FERGIE: Honey, listen. I'm wearing a harness. You see that, right?

TAYLOR: Sure.

FERGIE: A harness, AND a really long fake braid that looks like someone cut off a horse tail and sewed it to my bun.

TAYLOR: Whatever.

FERGIE: But nobody is going to care. You know why? Because of you. Because of THIS:

Continue reading Fugler Momsen.

May 15, 2009

Dance Fug

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shredded and shorn

Behold Shoshana Bush, of the upcoming parody, Dance Flick (with Damon Wayans, Jr.* Literally, she's both in the movie with him and he's standing next to her here).

I hope the Wayaneseseses, in their infinite wisdom, are parodying films other than Save the Last Dance, despite what the commercials for this movie imply, because, frankly, I think the emotional wounds from that film are perhaps still too raw -- nine years later -- for me to fully be comfortable with laughing at it.

I am, however, completely at ease laughing at Shoshana's pants. They are a joke, right?

*In my Friday daze, I totally forgot to add the "Jr." to Mr Wayans here earlier! While Damon Senior is aging well, I think we can all agree he doesn't look THIS young. Thanks for the helpful emails!

May 11, 2009

Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Apparently, I am indecisive today.

Much as I was with Mariska Hargitay before her, I am of two minds about ELP here. (1) I'm sure that, in person, the detail work on this dress is amazing. (2) But she might look a bit shapeless and washed out. (3) But texturally, it's really interesting. (4) Although there's something about it that reminds me of a pile of window treatment samples come to life. (5) I think she needs a bracelet. (6) Never mind, she's wearing one. (7) I know this might an unpopular opinion, but I think ELP is actually really good on Desperate Housewives. Although I don't watch it anymore. (8) This also kind of looks like low shag carpet. (9) I'm sure 4 out of 10 readers just made a "shag" joke to themselves. (10) Apparently, I am of more than two minds about this.

poll by twiigs.com

May 11, 2009

Fug or Fab: Mariska Hargitay

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It goes without saying, I am sure, that Mariska Hargitay is a very beautiful woman. AND she's very likable on Law and Order: Sports Utility Vehicle. AND she had her lung collapse a bunch of times this year and that happened to a friend of mine as well, so I feel like she and are friends via the transitive property or something. But let's take a looksee at what she wore to the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend, shall we?

Somehow this manages to be both kind of great and yet also reminiscent of spitballs. I don't know how those two things can happen at the same time, and yet here we are.

poll by twiigs.com

Results tagged “shredded and shorn” from GoFugYourself

Kenzie Fugton

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Miss Fugly

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Sorority Fug

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The Fugs Next Door

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Fabiolfug Berafuga

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The Fugs

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Fugler Momsen

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Dance Fug

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Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Fug or Fab: Mariska Hargitay

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