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September 28, 2009

Fugriends

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Listen, everyone loves Maggie "Janice from Friends" Wheeler, right? Right.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Everyone, that is, except for the people who saw her put this on and walk out of the house wearing it. PEOPLE. How many times do I have to say it? SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN. IT IS DANGEROUS. If you see a loved one -- or even someone that you're just fond of from back when she was dating Chandler Bing -- wearing something that says, "Damn, these three weeks in Hawaii are SERIOUSLY just what the doctor ordered," STEP IN. Unless, of course, you're all in Hawaii together, in which case, give the girl a mai tai and unclench.

July 6, 2009

Kristin Davfug

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So, I decided I didn't like this dress when America Ferrera wore it, and now, almost a year later, I'm going to stand by that opinion:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

For starters, I don't like her hair. It reminds me of what I do with my curly locks while they're air-drying: I clip up the front pieces so that they don't dry with reckless disregard for my occasional need to leave the house and not look like I've been electrocuted. Sometimes, I forget to take the clips out, or my hair isn't dry yet, and I go out to the store with those clips in and I look kind of silly. Such is life. But Kristen Davis presumably didn't just leave hers in by accident; she appears to have echoed my mid-air-drying phase (sans the curls) on PURPOSE. Which... no. This is a pretty lady with great hair, and here it's blah. And blah is sometimes worse than flat-out awful.

As for the dress: The addition of a necklace, and subtraction of the random black belt, do nothing to improve its palatability. Time has not made this thing any less distractingly swirly, nor has it taught the dress's bodice how to cradle a lady's dairy shelf. Kids, don't let Smooshy Boob Syndrome happen to you.

June 10, 2009

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Fug

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"What do you mean these boots aren't flattering? I refuse to believe that."

May 7, 2009

Fug02fug0

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Everything had been going so well! I literally just said to someone that Jessica Stroup here has been looking so cute lately. And I was correct. But apparently I jinxed her. (Sorry, Jessica. I've also stopped watching your show. I know. I didn't think I could quit a 90210 franchise either, but the episode where Shenae and Tristan Wilds -- who deserves better -- went on a road trip and spent the ENTIRE TIME singing the praises of Dr Pepper broke me. I actually turned it off in the middle of one of their conversations and deleted the season pass. Literally, said converstion was like, "I love Dr. Pepper. Because you know what? It is not a road trip without Dr. Pepper. Dr Pepper is SUPER refreshing. Which is what I need on this road trip we're on: refreshment in the form of a cold Dr. Pepper." While prominently waving around a can of it. CLICK.) Anyway, look at her now:

Oh, honey. No. You have lovely long legs. But not in this. In this, you look like you're about to fall over because those wee little stumps couldn't possibly hold up the rest of your body. And I do not think that's what you were going for. In fact, judging from the bow tie, Colonel Sanders of KFC has taken over sponsorship of 90210 and you're going to have to spend the next month talking about how much your character's angst has made you hungry for chicken, and at this event, you were simply going for a nice corporate tie-in. (No pun intended. Well, not entirely.) This is also not a good choice, by the way, but it doesn't REQUIRE you to look short. Just something to keep in mind.

April 20, 2009

You The Jury: Drew Barrymore

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Folks are swooning over more of Drew Barrymore's Grey Gardens press tour looks, but I find myself riding the fence, no matter how hard I try to get off because it's giving me unpleasant (not to mention unsightly) splinters. So let's just put her on trial, shall we?

Exhibit A:

The prosecution opens by asking if Drew borrowed this from a much taller woman, or if it's just that she only shaved her legs up to mid-calf; it then follows with an argument that saddle-shoe/orthopedic sandal hybrids are too aggressive when you're showing so little leg. The lead attorney passes around flyers to raise funds for the American Association of Stumpification, which is trying to build awareness of this tragic national affliction.

The defense leaps up and points out that, okay, while one COULD construe the color as being very Mother of the Bride, it's also very striking and pretty against Drew's skin. As the prosecution begins flipping through a copy of Bobbi Brown's makeup manual to see if there's a chapter on whether it's advisable to match one's eye makeup to one's outfit, one of the assistants begins sneezing and apologizes to the judge, pointing out that he is allergic to hay and therefore Drew's hair is setting off an attack. The defense throws some Kleenex and a bottle of Afrin at the prosecution's table, noting that the peacock hair clip is actually rather cool and the updo is artfully dishevelled rather than ill-attended bedhead. When the argument reaches a fever pitch, the judge bangs the gavel and warns the author of this post that any further ham-handed use of Drew Barrymore's resume in this post will result in punishment.

Now onto Exhibit B:

Continue reading You The Jury: Drew Barrymore.

February 26, 2009

The Fugchmen

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MALIN AKERMAN: Hi, Carla! Can you believe this thing is finally coming out?

CARLA GUGINO: By "thing," do you mean this movie, or that dress? Because I DEFINITELY cannot believe the dress.

MALIN: What's wrong with it?

CARLA: You have to ask?

MALIN: I will be interested to hear, coming from someone who looks both kind of stumpy AND washed-out.

CARLA: Eh, but I've been around forever and I'm still totally hot. Plus, I've never shown up anywhere looking like an ice-dancing prostitute. Seriously, for a second, I thought those were giant furry boots, and that you were about to explain to me how a triple salchow can involve handcuffs.

MALIN: It's a ruffled skirt, I'll have you know.

CARLA: But kid, you're, like, 50 percent naked and covered in glitter like a child's art project:

Continue reading The Fugchmen.

February 24, 2009

Oscar Post-Party Fug: Salma Hayek

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Um.

Words fail me. Seriously. I have been looking at this thing for like twenty minutes. It...is not flattering. I even had one terrible moment when I thought it was BLOOMERS. But it's not. (Right? It's not bloomers. It can't be bloomers. It's just a skirt, right? RIGHT? IT'S JUST A SKIRT.) I know Salma just got married -- mazel tov, Salma! -- but just because she's off the market, it doesn't mean she has to start dressing like a stumpy little Hefty bag. Salma Hayek looking like she's wearing a deflated weather balloon just isn't right. She's supposed to look glamorous and saucy. Anything else makes me feel like the universe is a bit out of whack.

February 6, 2009

American Fugty

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When I saw Mena Suvari here photographed from the waist up, I thought, "Oh, Mena Suvari looks nice. I wonder what she's been up to." Then I saw the entire thing:

Oh. Girl. No. No. Noooo. A cropped jumpsuit is troubling enough, without adding...those shoes. Which might be fierce with something else (maybe. I don't want to rush to judgment), but here just look like the stretchy sandals my grandma wore when her bunions were acting up and she had to go somewhere quasi-fancy. (That loud noise you hear is my grandmother disputing said comparison to her computer screen. I suspect I am now out of the will.) This whole thing is a master class in How To Make Your Legs Look Really, Really Short: she's cut her bottom half up into like six pieces, each smaller and stumpier than the last. All anyone is going to look at all night is the section between the bottom of her knees and her toes, and last time I checked, anyone who has a tattoo right between her boobs is not interested in that kind of attention.

January 16, 2009

Keeping Fug With the Kardashians

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Let's see how many trends Kim Kardashian can wear at one time!

We've got:

(1) Necklace of Potentially Dangerous Pointy-ness (which I rather like, except that the longer I look at it, the more it kind of looks like paper clips on a strand. Which would be a very cost-effective, multi-tasky way to accessorize. Take note, Staples!)

(2) Big Ol' Blazer (fine).

(3) Super Complicated Shoes (sexy)

(4) A Cropped F'ing Jumpsuit (SERIOUSLY, if you're going to do the jumpsuit thing, FINE GO AHEAD, but CROPPED plus shoes that contort themselves to your ankles make you look HELLACIOUSLY STUMPTASTICAL. JUST SO YOU KNOW.)

(5) A Bag I am willing to wager she's had for a couple of years (refreshingly normal)

(6) Earlier in this family of pics, she was wearing ONE FINGERLESS GLOVE (who are you? Michael Jackson) but in the interest of fairness....I believe she was just trying it on, and not having been present, I can not vouch that she didn't wave it at one of her entourage and say, "Who am I? MICHAEL JACKSON?"

(7) Dude Considering Picking His Nose, but for now, deciding to just scratch the outside of it aggressively (those are EVERYWHERE now).

THE VERDICT: SEVEN. I feel like given that very high number, she should look worse than she does. SIGH. Kim, you made a valient effort with the truly awkward length of those pants in conjuction with everything else, but I suspect you could have made yourself look a bit more noticably whack if you'd just PUT IN MORE EFFORT. I expect more from you, as a person who is famous for LITERALLY NOTHING. Don't you CARE if people GAWK at you? GOD.

December 10, 2008

The Fuggit

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SCARJO: Well well, Eva. We meet again.

EVA MENDES: Can you believe we're both in this shitty-looking movie? The trailer is terrible.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: I MOTHERF*&%ING LOVE IT.

SCARJO: Aren't you going to compliment my outfit, Eva? Don't I look better? Older?

EVA: Oh, sweetie. No. I mean, again, it's FINE, but... red lipstick doesn't make you look adult if you pair it with that hemline and that severe hair. Are you three feet tall? Is this your seventh-grade spring formal?

SAMUEL L.: GET THAT MOTHERF*&%ING HEMLINE OFF YOUR MOTHERF*&%ING SHINS.

SCARJO: Really? Dammit. There is no pleasing you people. At least the rest of it doesn't look like a spotted bedsheet...

EVA: Well, I just knew I wouldn't have to try that hard, because you'd do something weird and Samuel L. would wear velvet pants and I'd be the big winner no matter what. Plus, my shoes are amazing.

SAMUEL L: THOSE MOTHERF*&%ING SHOES SAVE THE WHOLE MOTHERF*&%ING OUTFIT. I AM MOTHERF*&%ING FEELING IT.

EVA: See?

SCARJO: I hate you all.

Results tagged “stumpification” from GoFugYourself

Fugriends

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Kristin Davfug

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The Sisterhood of the Traveling Fug

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Fug02fug0

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You The Jury: Drew Barrymore

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The Fugchmen

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Oscar Post-Party Fug: Salma Hayek

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American Fugty

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Keeping Fug With the Kardashians

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The Fuggit

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