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October 14, 2009

Paula Abfug

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"That's right, American Idol producers. I'm the tiny serving of meat in a Snoop and Adam Lambert sandwich -- the $5 in this particular foot-long -- and one of them is wearing velvet and the other has on Lagerfeld gloves, and yet I STILL look the weirdest. You are going to miss the hell out of me, bitches."

October 13, 2009

Fug Seconds

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"Greetings!

"I'm Luke Perry, and no one on the internet can explain why I'm wearing this cowboy hat!"

August 13, 2009

Carmit Fugchar

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Sweet, sweet Carmit, a.k.a. The Mannish Redhead Who Quit The Pussycat Dolls And Has Since Dropped Off The Radar:

On the one hand, I want to give you a Well Played, just for the fact that you are distancing yourself from the Pussycat Dolls vibe of leather leotards and mesh pants. But on the other hand... BORING. You look like you just spend the day on the beach, and threw those shoes in the car so you could stop off at apl.de.ap's party on the way home.

Now, I know it's confusing when we fug you for looking like a Pussycat Doll and then we fug you for NOT looking like one. I am confused myself. I can't explain my own feelings. Why do I still watch Private Practice? Why do I sit through American Idol when every judge except Simon makes me stabby? Why do I love the word "persnickety" yet not use it nearly enough? These are the mysteries with which I grapple daily, and the whole "you can never satisfy my dark heart" fug thing is another such enigma. But, I mean: Surely you didn't have to leap straight from bike shorts and bustiers to what could pass as a swimsuit coverup and a $4 hat. You skipped over so much in between. Like the entire spectrum of trousers, or the dress section at Barney's. Or Bloomies. You could look cuter, OR you could look a tad more flavorful, without actually retreating back into the sartorial crack den that is Robin Antin's universe. If you have a solo career on tap -- and Wikipedia claims you do -- you will have to do a whole lot better in order to stand out. Because frankly, the only way I remembered your name is that it sounds like "car meat" and your hair is accordingly very red. I'm serious. Maybe you should name your album "Car Meat On Your Grill" or something.

And then throw out the hat. It might be the root of your problems.

July 10, 2009

Random Fug

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This photo is from an event held in support of David Carradine Memorial Fund.

I didn't know this was something that actually needed to be spelled out for people, but here goes: even when the deceased in question died under suspiciously saucy circumstances, you are NOT ALLOWED to attend anything that involves the phrase "memorial fund" dressed like a streetwalker. And that's not hyperbole. I have actually seen prostitutes hanging out in front of the Donut Hole on the corner of Highland and Melrose WEARING THIS. DIAL IT DOWN, HONEY. For your own good.

July 8, 2009

What's Fugging? With Jamie Oliver

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Dear Jamie Oliver:

To whom are you giving that thumbs-up? Is it to the crew at the Harry Potter premiere, because you were helping them set up the carpet and the lights and you're letting them know it's all working properly? Is it to your auto mechanic, who got sick and couldn't fix your alternator and so he called you and talked you through it? Is it for your milliner, who spent two weeks trying to find you a lid that would as closely as possible match the hues of your denim? Or is it because you're catering the event and someone just took one look at you and went, "Sweet Jesus, Jamie, did you even WASH YOUR HANDS?" and you had to check with your wife and she wrinkled her nose and said, "I THINK so..." and so you decided to give 'em the all-clear sign just to cover your ass?

Because I KNOW you are not looking in a mirror and giving yourself that stamp of approval. You CAN'T BE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE EYES.

Love,
Heather

June 24, 2009

Phofugbe Prifugce

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stupid hats,
WTF

[Photo: Splash News]

"So, Phoebe, what did you do today?"

"Oh, you know. The usual. I wandered the streets of Hollywood in a cocktail gown and a skipper's hat, looking wistful and eating gummi bears."

"Then what happened?"

"This seemingly sweet old lady came running up from behind and whacked me with her cane. She told me to get a job and scampered off. She was surprisingly spry."

"I'm sure you deserved it."

"Yes, maybe I did. Can you hand me my dunce cap and that bag of popcorn? I'm late for shift outside of Kitson."

June 17, 2009

Lynn Fugvins

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I've had the following conversation with myself about this Lynn Collins photo, in some form or another, pretty much since I saw it:

HEATHER: The hell? I don't even know what to say. She looks insane.

HEATHER'S BRAIN: TOP HAT.

HEATHER: Not sure I want to go with another Artful Dodger joke here...

HEATHER'S BRAIN: Top. Hat.

HEATHER: Maybe she's crabby because she left the rabbit in it before putting it on... nah, that's kind of tragically hacky...

HEATHER'S BRAIN: TOP HAT TOP HAT.

HEATHER: President of the Fred Astaire fan club?

HEATHER'S BRAIN: TOOOOP HAT.

HEATHER: Villainous wench about to collect the rent from her tenant or tie him to the train tracks?

HEATHER'S BRAIN: TOP HAAAATTTTT.

HEATHER: Keeper of a nice six-pack of beer in case she gets thirsty and the bar isn't open?

HEATHER'S BRAIN: TOPHATTOPHATTOPHAT.

HEATHER: Ack! I can't THINK clearly. Sometimes there just aren't words.

HEATHER'S BRAIN: I CAN THINK OF TWO.

May 14, 2009

P-Fugged

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So, wipe aside for a second the news that Phoebe Price has either the connections or the budget to get invited back to Cannes AGAIN, and focus on the fact that the caption for this photo -- as written by the photographer -- claims P-Squared is wearing a dress and a hat of her own design and from her own clothing line.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

The hat does not surprise me -- I mean, of COURSE Phoebe would create a hat that belongs on the head of a groomsman at Robin Hood's wedding. But what shocks me is that if you'd asked me to ponder what kind of clothes P-Squared would design, I'd look at her archive and then say, "Something made of tissue paper and lace. Preferably something in danger of blowing away if a poodle sneezes within a ten-mile radius." And yes, this is ever-so-slightly see-through here around the crotch region, but frankly, in the right -- or rather, wrong -- lighting, a lot of stuff out there is. So we're left with P-Squared allegedly maybe creating and selling something you'd see on The CW (and possibly injuring her wrist doing it, since she's wearing a brace), which would be confusing enough on its own -- but add to that the fact that she's possibly doing it under her own design shingle, which means she has an actual JOB, and my world scrambles like it's on a Grand Slam plate at Denny's. Sigh. Maybe a side of bacon will help this make sense.

poll by twiigs.com

May 4, 2009

The Fug Hatters

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This weekend, my visiting sister and I spent some time hanging around various places in L.A. and doing what we call Hat Watching -- which is to say, people-watching with a particular zoom on rampant asshats. You can imagine this is fairly specHATular in Los Angeles, although frankly, it's a meal pretty much anywhere in the world.

But today, thanks to the Kentucky Derby -- and its proud tradition of encouraging people to wear awesomely crazy things in the name of tradition, a la Royal Ascot and other big horse-racing events -- we get to do some Hat Watching that involves actual HATS. The wackier, the better. It's hard to judge people's headgear when they're EXPECTED to go nuts, but giggling at it is all part of the experience, which I remember from going to Royal Ascot and being too young to wear a spectacular accessory of my own but fully appreciating all the drunk people staggering around in king-sized hats full of wackitude.

So, let's get to some hats. Which anagrams to "shat," which has nothing to do with anything really, except that it would've been a perfect segue if somebody had worn millinery that looked like a creature had relieved itself messily on his/her (most likely her) hair. The first time I looked at Lynn Whitfield here, I flashed back to the last time I was in the gift-wrap aisle at Target, looking for the biggest and most obnoxious ribbon I could find to adorn the tiniest Christmas present I had to give.

But I suppose I could also argue that a Fraggle emptied its bowels onto her coif.

As for what happened to Niecy Nash here, I do not know:

Continue reading The Fug Hatters.

April 14, 2009

Melora Fugdin

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You know, it always makes me sad when somebody goes only halfway.

If Melora Hardin is going to go Blossom, she needs to go FULL Blossom -- there ought to be culottes, for instance, and calf-height socks. And a BIGGER flower on her hat, which probably needs to have some kind of checkerboard or paisley pattern.

Oh, it would still be bad, all right, but at least it would work as an homage and evoke special memories of the time Blossom had to decide if she was ready to go to second base, or she cries to pass her driver's test, or her ex-boyfriend goes into a coma, or she decides Six has an eating disorder because she pukes one time. Or the time Blossom's grandfather tried to talk her out of going to college by telling her a story about World War II (no, really). Then we could all join hands and sing "My Opinionation" as we skip to the nearest bar to drink all those memories straight out of our heads.

Results tagged “stupid hats” from GoFugYourself

Paula Abfug

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Fug Seconds

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Carmit Fugchar

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Random Fug

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What's Fugging? With Jamie Oliver

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Phofugbe Prifugce

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Lynn Fugvins

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P-Fugged

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The Fug Hatters

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Melora Fugdin

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