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July 17, 2009

Fug Model

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Apparently, it's WTF ANTM Day here at GFY. Because Eva Pigford wasn't the only Top Model winner running around this week. The sad truth is, we're featuring my three favorite winners today. You already saw Eva, but here's poor CariDee:

She doesn't look utterly wretched. But we've GOT to talk about this hair situation. I don't know what's going on with the actual CUT, but the styling makes her look like She-Trump with an accessories fetish.

And then, like Maude, there's Jaslene:

Continue reading Fug Model.

May 28, 2009

Fug or Fab: Jaslene Gonzalez

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great shoes,
orange

A glimpse into a discussion with myself, upon seeing the below:

JESSICA: Jaslene looks great!

JESSICA: Or does she? Rather monochromatic.

JESSICA: Um, HELLO. Remember what she USUALLY WEARS??

JESSICA: Why are you yelling at me? I remember perfectly well. I'm just saying, monochromatic. It's true.

JESSICA: Dude. Even without it being a massive improvement, she looks very pretty. Why are you so uptight?

JESSICA: I'm NOT being uptight. I'm being CRITICAL in a CONSTRUCTIVE MANNER.

JESSICA: Whatever.

JESSICA: Whatever to YOU.

JESSICA: Nice comeback.

JESSICA: Leave me alone.

poll by twiigs.com

April 10, 2009

Still In the Running Towards Becoming America's Next Top Fug

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I think I am on record as saying that Jaslene here is my favorite winner of America's Next Top Model (although I liked CariDee, and who doesn't agree that Yoanna probably had the most amazing face of them all?). I stand by that. AND YET:

GIRL. I love you....but I don't want to love THAT MUCH of you. PRITHEE look into something less breezily crotchtacular.

July 28, 2008

Fugbrey F'Fug

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Seriously, is Aubrey O'Day bored? I thought she was taking a break from Danity Kane to do Hairspray. Are you telling me she has no time to work with the band that made her famous while she's on Broadway, but she DOES have time to hang out at TRL and chit-chat all the time wearing dresses with built-in capes?

Maybe not the best use of her time. I'm just saying.

This is, however, better than any of the t-shirts, headbands, and briefs Aubrey is selling (because these days pretty much any person with a Mystic Tan account also has a clothing line). We should all say a quick prayer of thanks that Aubrey has decided not to run around town hawking her own wares. But the tragedy of it is that ANTM winners Jaslene and Caridee were dragged into the fracas. It's like Aubrey's only editorial directive was that all the girls should hang open their mouths in a semi-drugged stupor:

Continue reading Fugbrey F'Fug.

July 10, 2008

Fug's Next Top Model

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Oh sweet God, Jaslene:

[Photo: Splash News]

My sweet Cha Cha Diva. My most favorite of the ANTM stable of winners. My darling child. Why would you do this to me? Why why why why why? Why aren't you wearing a shirt? Just as a toaster is not pants, and a soap dish is not a purse, a blazer is not a shirt. It just isn't. I need to know why you're now dressing like Bai Ling. I fugged Bai Ling yesterday. I know Bai Ling. Jaslene, you are no Bai Ling. Please pull it together immediately. Thank you.

February 22, 2008

Fug's Next Top Model

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Oh my god, Jaslene. Girl. You know I love you. Of all the Top Model winners, you might be my favorite (although who doesn't like Danielle?). But COME ON:

Peep-toe wrestling shoes....with tights? A belted....I don't know what to call it? A pillowcase? From the thighs up, you look like a mannequin at Forever XXI, from the bottom down you look like Sienna Miller's next outing to the pub. What would Tyra say?

July 16, 2007

Fuglene

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ANTM

So, Jaslene, I realize that when you won the last cycle of America's Next Top Model, people said you looked either a) like a drag queen, b) like Janice Dickinson, or c) like a drag queen impersonating Janice Dickinson.

To which I respond:

a) Not without lipstick, bigger hair, and some... er... support in that thong;

b) Not when you wear a leash;

c) Not when your nipples are the only lively thing about you.

Seriously, a resemblance is all very well and good, and presumably -- at least based on what I saw on the show -- "Dragalicious" and "Janice" are pretty much What You Do. And if that's the way it's gonna be, well, Jaslene, take note: Janice only gives it away for free if she's actively posing for photographers while yanking her skirt up over her head, or tumbling out of her top because mere pathetic fabric can't contain the nip of the Alpha Dog. Say what you will about her sanity, but if she wants to burn every last private fold of her body onto your retinas, she will DO IT and DO the HELL out of it. There is no false modesty. Your thin cotton peep show would offend the part of her that thinks you had no built-up mystique to ruin AND the part of her that believes areolas are best served at parties.

Now, I'm not suggesting you need to follow her example; just that you're at a crossroads. Either put it away for a little bit until you've earned the right to be functionally insane if you want to be, or go balls-to-the-wall like the World's First Supermodel and own the fact that you'd like all your Jays to be public domain. But this? This just feels weird and wrong, like you're the cover of a really pervy novel in the little-served "fantasy bodice-ripper" genre, and all the creatures on your skirt are seeking to sup on your inner beast. Which... ew.

poll by twiigs.com

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Fug or Fab: Jaslene Gonzalez

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Still In the Running Towards Becoming America's Next Top Fug

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Fugbrey F'Fug

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Fug's Next Top Model

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Fug's Next Top Model

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