Dear Zach Braff,
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU? Seriously, you are so, so cute on Scrubs. So cute that I want to kidnap you and force you to marry me in a whirlwind Vegas weekend and then take your sperm and make adorable little babies with you.
And now -- Zach? The hair? Why? What are you thinking? Why would you take your adorable little face and cover it with what looks like something from the Raquel Welsh Wiglet Collection? And the misguided attempt to look scruffy? And the zit on your collarbone? Oh, Trixie, why have you done this?
Here's the thing about Cute Clean-Cut Boys Who Are Cute Because They're Funny, Too, who decide they want to look scruffy and dirty and nonchalant: it doesn't work. Zach, sweetpea, you're cute and clean-cut and you seem like you'd be fun to watch football with and drink a few beers with and make quick trips to the BevMo with, whilst making funny mean comments about ugly people. Embrace that. Because, you know, Kiefer Sutherland is scruffy and hot and troubled. Colin Farrell is scruffy and nasty and hot and short, with what is apparently a distracting and uncut schlong. You, Zach Braff, in this unshaven incarnation, don't look scruffy and hot, you look like you just spent all summer cleaning houses and if you track dirt on her nice white carpet one more time, your mom is going to be hella pissed.
Please cut your floppy, bewinged layers and shave your Cute Clean-Cut Funny Average Obtainable Boy Face and get back into my dreams [which you will then get out of in order to get into my car].
Thank you.
