We have a situation, people. It's serious.
You've probably heard the good news about Affleck. He's managed to fight off the Bloat -- thanks, we suspect, to Jennifer Garner's good influence -- and, despite occasionally appearing in public dressed like nattier version of the Unibomber, seems to be crawling back to being the smarmy-hot Bffleck we hate to love.
Exhibit A:
What you know, however, is that The Bloat is like the plague: highly contagious and almost impossible to contain. It appears that Affleck infected fellow actor Jon Favreau, probably when he appeared with Garner on Favreau's show Dinner for Five.
Please note Exhibits B and C, recent photographs of formerly Chunky But Hunky Favreau. Be aware that these are graphic images.
Exhibit B: Favreau with wife at Hide and Seek premiere. He appears, in addition to having a severe case of The Bloat, to have contracted Lumberjackitis [note the misuse of plaid.]
Exhibit C: Favreau at the Be Cool premiere.
We here at Bloat Watch are very, very concerned about Favreau. Because he hosts the aforementioned Dinner for Five, and due to The Bloat's high level of contagiousness, it is certainly possible and indeed likely that he will pass The Bloat to countless celebrities unless his case is contained.
Therefore, we have catagorized Favreau's Bloat Level as SEVERE: MY GOD, MAN GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, both due to its severity and due to the danger it poses to the Hollywood community. [For your elucidation, a complete chart of The Bloat Terror Levels is included in the Appendix.] We are asking all of you on the task force to be on the alert. If you see Favreau, please take precautions, such as throwing wheatgrass juice on him; chasing him away (which will both get you away from his contagion, and force him to exercise); or speaking to him seriously about the dangers of the Bloat, which include: death, ending up on the cover of The Star under the headline "LOOK WHO GOT FAT?", and being shamed into a recurring role on Fat Actress.
Thanks, guys. Be safe out there.
Appendix: BLOAT WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART
SEVERE: MY GOD MAN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. |
HIGH: Think about getting back on the smack. |
ELEVATED: Seriously, cut down on the sodium. |
GUARDED: Maybe look into a seaweed wrap? |
Low: Keep up the good work. |
You guys are way late on the Favreau Fug. Check him out in a small self-cast role as a doctor in "Elf"--his white coat doesn't so much fit as encase him, like an overstuffed sausage. And every time I see it (okay, I'm a repeat viewer) I'm bowled over by the enormous fat-roll hanging over his must-be-strangling-him collar. Didn't anyone in wardrobe have a tactful solution? Otto Preminger always looked natty.
You girls are thoroughly evil. I love you.
You're joking about taking Affleck off the Bloat Watch, right? He's been looking like more ass than Star Jones and J Lo combined. His girlfriend hasn't been looking so hot lately, either.
Come to think of it, it's hard to tell the difference between Favreau and Ben. They might be the same person.
I'm gonna go ahead and blame the 'Favreau Fug' on that dirty goatee. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the 'beautiful babies' don't like that ugly ass 'fugtee'.
Oh dear. Even that scruffy, awful facial hair can't cover up that double chin. The poor man has obviously just given up.
On a sadder note, I've just deemed myself in the yellow/orange section of the bloat chart.
When will men realize that face fat is so hideously accentuated by a goatee?
The terror alert is brilliant. Brilliant and mean. Y'all are evil genuises, that is for sure.
At least Mr. Favreau is kind of cool. Ben Affleck looks like a giant role of toilet paper.
He kinda looks like Al from Home Improvement in exhibit B.
As an avid reader, I am usually (okay, ALWAYS) delighted by the rips on deserving celebrities, especially the ones whose stylists are obviously employed as part of some mentally disabled outplacement program. However, the pictures of my beloved long-time fantasy mate Jon Favreau are just depressing. What the hell happened? That first picture of him looks like he's saying, "Oh, Jesus, there's a camera. Dammit." I'm so depressed by this that I feel like scarfing down a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but I'm afraid of contracting The Bloat myself. Sigh. I still want to have his chubby babies, though.
To be fair to Favreau, he's not so much let himself go as let himself return to his natural state -- as anyone who's seen "PCU" (1993) can attest. "Gutter is a tool!" Fav had to have undergone a major weight loss in advance of "Swingers." It's actually pretty amazing he's managed to hold it in all these years.
Hee! "Think about getting back on the smack."
i don't know what you're all talking about... i see these pictures and think, hey, james gandolfini's looking pretty good these days.
Pure and utter eeeevil geeeenius. Hehe.
Errrmm...sorry...I really have no idea who this man is or what he does.
By way of explanation (perhaps!!) I live in England. There may well be those from my side of the pond who know him but I've never seen him before.
Regardless, he's still a fug.
Good god. His wife has become way, way too hot for him.
Mayhaps the lumberjack coat was the only thing that fit anymore?
Yes, Vince Vaughn talked about the inspiration for "Swingers" being about Jon picking up more ladies because he had lost a lot of weight and was suddenly more confident and on the market.
Poor Jon. He is so not money anymore.
Hilarious.
You mind if I use your color code warning scheme with some of my patients? Just took care of an 800 pounder the other day, wonder what colo he'd be?
Hilarious.
You mind if I use your color code warning scheme with some of my patients? Just took care of an 800 pounder the other day, wonder what colo he'd be?
Though Ben Affleck and Jon Favreau are good examples of The Bloat, you girls seem to have missed Vince Vaughn, who's been looking way bloated for the past few years. Maybe there was some sort of Bloat curse on the set of Swingers?
What about the Red??? Those ruptured blood vessels making his nose and cheeks look like some sort of clown school makeup accident....Does this always go hand-in-hand with the Bloat? Might fix both by going easy on the sauce for a bit.
see, if you saw him as the idiotic fat white dude with the dreads in the movie PCU, you'd understand that he has the kind of body that takes a lot of effort to lose weight and keep it off. his body is just naturally like that of james gandolfini (sp?). he was hot in swingers, but i know he had to work out and diet religiously just to get in shape for that role.
too bad jon traded in that buff actor's body for a bloaty director/producer's body (which is what he does more of lately), but whatever. he's married, therefore...i cannot have him anyway.
I don't understand why you're all so disappointed... Jon Favreau was never hot in the first place.
how come comments about females being fat is verboten, and the last time they happened in a comments section you threatened to shut it down, yet you feel fine with dissing on favreau's waistline? i smell a double standard here....
Megwal, my thoughts EXACTLY.
Please, Tommyboy, I was noticing a different double standard. The one where women are described as "fat" and men are simply just "bloated."
Let's call a spade a spade, this is not simply water retention! Dude is FAT.
i guess you are right....but these women look both fat and bloated to me, i guess it would hurt their self esteem to mention that. lets just pick on some icky boys instead:
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2005/02/fugmore_girls.html
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2005/02/grammy_awards_p.html
and while we are being honest, let me say: drew barrymore is hot! but she could stand to drop 15-20 lbs., EASY.
TommyBoy, does your sensitivity to the fat/bloated comments have anything to do with a resemblance to your namesake?
no, but thank you for proving my point.
Tamara, you're right that he looks like more of a producer-type now. Specifically Harvey Weinstein.
And may I just say that I have no problem with the barrel-chested physique, but I sure wish it didn't almost always go hand-in-hand with No-Neck Syndrome? Dude's head looks like a basketball set down on a... well, a barrel.
hey, i LIKE james gandolfini. i'd be happy if more guys looked like him... et voila, they do! it's a beautiful world.
but seriously, fat is only ever a fuggable offense when it becomes plentiful enough to be a real health issue (or you work in the medical field and have ever had to a) call for backup to roll someone off a bed or b) use advanced machinery to track down a vein).
but by all means, pick on that ill-fitting fuzzy christmas flannel he's got on.
Lumberjackitis... ROFL
Actually, he looks like he has a thyroid problem. He used to look like, you know, an overweight guy, but now he looks puffy in an ill kind of way.
And I will say here what I say about everyone--weigh whatever you weigh, people, but for God's sake, WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT.
It's not that difficult. Clothes come in all sizes. If they're too small, buy some more, especially if you're a movie and television director, because you can afford them.
And, for heaven's sake, go to the doctor and get that thyroid looked at. And no goatees, ever.
I can't be objective about this one. Suddenly he looks just like my husband. I just wanna spoon the guy, plaid and all.
He looks like he's had check implants, too. And his wife's lips are gross.
I love the ladies of the fug blog and my day would not be complete without it but I must call BULLSHIT.
It's a total double standard when talking about women and men but - unlike tommyboy - I don't think the answer is to call everyone fat or call everyone bloated.
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
FUG THE FASHION, NOT THE FAT.
And a question to Megwal: If someone is upset about the fat "issue" they must be fat, right? So if you were upset by someone being called dumb, that would make you an idiot, right? Of course not. Think about it.
Severe should be "Jerry Lewis" or "Ham Head"
For a second I thought, ewwwww... and then I realized my recoiling rooted from what the shrinks call TRANSFERENCE. He looks like my ex, aka "the one that got away." S.D. was chunky but hunky in the +15-20 lbs. range, but infinitely shaggable, liked my pugly dogs and was really a darling man. I knew I loved him when he woke up one morning and looked in the mirror and said, "I feel like a pod." Same Favreau hair minus the receding hairline and facial hair farming. Therefore, I have to concur with those who like this guy, poundage and all. He's dead sexy. Plus, nothing like a guy in the yellow terror alert range to make a gal feel all petite and feminine. I miss him.
I think Hollywood puts out the standard that women have to be a size 0 and for men it doesn't matter. Many of the actresses gripe about it. Hence, so many lollipop heads out there. The guys get scrawny when a role demands it (i.e. Toby Maguire, Favreau). Who knows for sure?
When I saw these pics I figured he was bucking for Gandolfini's role in The Sopranos back when James was negotiating his contract.
Whoa, easy, guys... I just thought it was ironic that a guy named after a Chris Farley character was upset about weight being made an issue.
Ben should SO still be on the Bloat Watch. I think he's infected Garner with the Fugly.
"but infinitely shaggable, liked my pugly dogs"
Pugly - I know this was a typo but it's a really amusing typo.
Actually, SouthernFug, the purported typo could be taken two ways when I look at it closely: that he was "infinitely shaggable like my pugly dogs," or that he was "infinitely shaggable, liked my fugly dogs." Truth is, the man was infinitely shaggable. And my dogs are Pugs, a breed so fugly they are majestically cute. And I don't want to shag them. They shag eachother... it's like "Wild Kingdom."
Not hot at any size.
Now everybody, sing:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok . . ..
Just as long as there's no dog shagging going on. That's for a WHOLE 'nother blog.
jon favreau will always be my crush for his work in "love & sex", no one has ever made pudgy and snarky sexier! fug on jonny - i cheese sandwich you!
Hi Olga!
I agree that people of any gender shouldn't be fugged for their sizes or ages, but for how unflattering their clothing/grooming/makeup choices are to them (and how inappropriate they might be to the occasion).
However, Jon Favreau should not be wearing a snug-fitting lumberjack jacket and too-small jeans to a Hollywood premiere. Nor should he be wearing a gray tee-shirt under a pinstriped shirt under a leather jacket to a Hollywood premiere.
And his goatee is unflattering.
Word Stacie.
Glad I'm not the only one that thinks Ben looks like a fugly, bloated, hobo in that picture. I'm sure Jen's walking behind him with her hand over her mouth in disgust and thinking, "When can I get back to the set of Alias and be in close proximity to an attractive man...that speaks French...and is smoking hot...mmm...we have a kissing scene today. Oh sweet Jesus, did that loser next to me just light up? That is SO nasty. He looks like a hobo...a drunk hobo. Sydney Bristow would kick his ass...maybe I should..."
Goatee, yellow teeth, alcoholic palor... forget about the fat - it's everything else that makes me go Eeewwww!
I'm about nine weeks away from squirting out my first kid and at a high risk for preecmapsia and I STILL do not look like that. Good Lord. At least, I HOPE I do not look like that! Yikey Schnickes!
Ladies of Fug, you really and truly rock. Keep up the great work and equal opportunity bashing of men who don't watch their figure.
Another victim on the Bloat Watch Terror Alert 2005: Val Kilmer. It's all really quite tragic, the way he quit looking like Iceman and started looking just like my Dad. *shivers*
I still think Jon is cute.
Is he eating for five?
To the person who said Drew Barrymore needed to lose 15-20 pounds:
Have you ever seen her in person? She's TINY in every way and very thin. If she lost 15-20 pounds, she'd seriously disappear. And that would be sad, because she's so damn cute.
Okay, I just scrolled back up to check out your name. Tommyboy: it's people like you who create disgusting standards for women in terms of their weight. I'll grant you that America is a grossly fat country, but female celebs, for the most part, are scarily wasting away. Shame on you.
I'd do Ben Affleck regardless.
It's not just female celebs who are wasting away. There is literally a problem of epidemic proportions with eating disorders among young women in the U.S. They see what is out there, they see and hear what they are supposed to look like, and they try to obtain what is often an unobtainable, unhealthy and dangerous goal. Little girls as young as 11 are dying of anorexia. Everyone needs to be a role model and advocate healthy living and acceptance of all body types.
(click, clack...me getting off my soap box...)
With this Bloat Alert you have done a great service to us all.
Brilliant!
I agree with TommyBoy; fashion, not fitness. Leave body types out of it and focus on the hideousness draping the body. And stop it with the "retaining water" excuse. You are retaining excess Haagen Das(as am I)!
Jon was never cute. And he was never money.
He used to look like Jeremy Piven. Now he more resembles John Goodman.
Uh...If he didn't want people to comment on his size, then he should choose not to be ON TELEVISION!
Come on, folks... we're not snarking average people on the street. He's an (alleged) MOVIE STAR!
"Some people are elected scapegoats by a mob- some run for office."