Yo, bitches. K Fed here. Some of you call me Cletus. That's a'ight. Listen, Meal Ticket over there made me pose for the cover of fucking Details magazine, dude. She was all like, "blah blah hot, blah blah not a skeezebucket blah blah something something something." Like I listen. Anyway, check it:
[photo via the always juicy and delicious PageSixSixSix, and the divine Stereogum]
Dude. I know. When B saw it, she was all, something about me looking fucking sensitive, or some shit? Something about showing Justin something about her winning something? I don't even know, dude. I just tune out, yo. Wake and bake and tune the fuck out.
The thing is, dude, those bitches at Details? No clue how to appeal to the ladies, right? When you're on the prowl, dude, the facial hair has got to go. Get it all clean-shaven. All David Fucking "You Are So Precious To Me" Silver up in here. The ladies are gaging for D. Silver, dudes. Gagging. You got to get the grease all out of your hair. You got to look all so fresh and so clean. You got to borrow a puppy from someone but not a little rat ass puppy like this one, like a MAN puppy like a retriever or some shit so you look all wholesome and responsible and shit. Girls love that. Maybe hang out with a baby, too. I told them I should be holding a baby in this picture, but they said something about not wanting to remind people that I was a "serial impregnator" or something? I don't even know what that means, but I told them I didn't have a criminal record except for that one time they got me for possession. But this is so not the look you use when it's time to get your van rocking, if you know what I mean. I look like a serial killer, yo. I look like I'm about to snap that rat puppy's neck and, hells yeah, I hate that dog but I'm not a dog killer, dude. I just lock them in their room and pretend they're not there. One day, I'm going to do that to Britney, too. HAHAHHAHA. I'm just kidding. Not really. Nah, I'm just messing with you. No, I'm not. No, really I am.
Anyway, B has this cover all framed and hung up in her "office" (which is where we keep the weed. I'm a professional toker, dude. Heh. Wouldn't it be rad if that was really a job? I'm qualified. HAHAHAH. Heh. Heh. Where was I?) but I'm going to hide it as soon as she goes out to the pool because seriously? I know. I know. It's retardo. I know. It's going to totally salt my game, yo. Dude, just because I'm ringed up right now doesn't mean my shot clock has expired and shit, if you know what I mean. I mean, seriously, I just hope Paris Hilton doesn't see this because as soon as I've got B knocked up, P is next. Watch out, Paris, because Cletus is checking into the Hilton. Heh heh. God, I'm funny.
Aw, Christ. B is yelling at me. We're out of Cheetos. Gotta run, dude. Seriously, though, come by sometime. We've got a ton of good shit here. I have a bitchin' Playstation and we've got Pabst on TAP, dude. It's sweet.
Outtie,
Big Ups to Fresno!
Cletus AKA K Fed
this is the best thing i have ever read. and he really does look like a maniac. is it wrong to prefer the cornrows and wifebeater? not that i think he's attractive or anything, i'm just saying. this? not an improvement.
BWAHHHHHHHHH. One of your best ever. Only Cletus could look even worse cleaned up for the cover of a magazine. I can only imagine convos between Brit Brit and Cletus are much like those in the old Charlie Brown cartoons - ya know when the adults talked and only the characters could understand them.
This has to be one of your best letters yet. You KNOW he just sits around the house, smoking weed and playing playstation.
Doesn't he kind of look like Tobey Maguire (sorry - so can't spell) if Tobey was playing a child molester?
Now THAT is freakin' hilarious......what a JOKE Cletus and Brit are...Do they really think that cleaning him up for a magazine cover would make him more appealing? Now he just looks like a "clean-psycho retard" geeeze, what a doofus!!!!
When did polka dots come into style for men?
thats the best I've ever seen him looking. And yet he still looks like ass.
meanwhile, don't knock david silver, ok? at least he didn't have steves majorly receding hairline or dylans stupid striped eyebrows...
That's a chihuahua--it's his scrotum, in small dog form. He is so fucking white trash-whipped!
Oops, meant to say NOT a chihuahua...me and my hair trigger commenting
OMG- I can't even breathe- that is the funniest thing I have ever read!
Thanks!
that looks like my sister's hairstyle from 1986.
Does anyone else think that his eyes look a little like Charles Mansons'?
This hurts me to say it, because Topher Grace is a cutey patootey, but Clete here kind of resembles Eric after an all-weekend bender.
This pic totally makes me think of some peeping tom standing in the rain and watching a woman undress.
what, is he going to be the sixth queer eye for the straight guy now?
Hey! Everyone needs to understand that he has allergies! .....to soap and razors! Ick...is he auditioning for the new Miami Vice movie?
"Wake and bake and tune the fuck out" - LOVE IT!!!!!
Remind me NEVER to purchase this magazine. If its editorial board thinks that this is appropriate cover art and that this joke is interesting, I have a good idea that I would HATE the entire magazine. Why don't these people just GO A-WAY?!
"MAN puppy." Sweet.
The only thing I hate more than "celebrities" are married "celebrities."
Oh my God, that was hysterical. I just LOVE when you take on the Fugerlines.
oh god...................
oh. my.
he Looks WORSE!!!
bless his heart.
Bless you. I cried for laughing for about 5 minutes. It's so realistic too. Poor Bitbit. I pity the animal I really do.
Channeling intelligent dads everywhere, may I just say, get a haircut, punk, and wipe that dumbass smile off of your face!
yayyyyyy thanks for taking my request!! well assuming you saw my other comment and that's why you posted this...
either way this really needed to be fugged
i definitely thought "serial killer" when i saw it
i love you guys!
This was hysterical!! I read it at work and did that 'rocking back and forth with silent laughter hysteria' at my desk. Letterman should hold his picture up and read that commentary on his show tonight! Damn that was funny.....oh and to stick to fug - just one look at Cletus in that picture and I thought I'd like to use his face to clean my toilet bowl. Anyone else think him holding that ratdog is a sign of who wears the man-capris in the Cletus/B relationship? My mascara is still running.
I have not been so appalled by a magazine cover since Allure used Ashlee Simpfug last month. Sigh. I hope this is the worst selling issue of Details EVER!
SO SOO SOOO brilliant. Did you girls have a sit-down with K.Fed or what? "Pabst on tap" HAHAHA absolute genius. I laughed so hard I almost choked on my banana. No pun intended. More letters of fug please!
Auuuggghhh - I can't stop looking at the picture, it's "hey-wanna-get-in-my-pickup-truck-little-boy" creepy - He looks like the gay hillbilly* love child of Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher
*not that there's anything wrong with gays, hillbillies, gay hillbillies or Topher Grace
Can't. Stop. Laughing!! How can any man be taken seriously holding a ratdog? And how can he actually be uglier cleaned up rather than dirty. Guess that's why Brit keeps him dirty.
Has anyone read the article? Does he discuss the stylistic influences behind the man-pris and unlaced shoes?
Pabst on tap and Playstation? Shit. That doesn't sound too bad.
love the lazy eye
Why are these people still around? WHY?! And WHY are you on a magazine cover?! Because you married a b-list has been pop singer? THAT’S NOT AN EXCUSE!!
Details gets NO RESPEK. NONE.
I know what the K-Fug is thinking......
http://www.everwonder.com/david/tacobell/sounds2/1.wav
lmao i love his sly little smirk. to me it says 'yeah that's right..i just gave you herpes'
Without a doubt, the best fugging ever!
Just when you think Brit and Cletus can't get any worse, Details magazine comes through with the goods.
Bravo ladies. Truly. Best. Ever.
You'd think he would, I don't know, maybe take a shower before posing for the cover of a widely published magazine.
The poor airbrush artists at Detail probably had no idea where to start on this level of fug (i.e. no "degrease" filter), so they just left it.
HAHAHAHAHA. I have to frame this.
Oh, the sacrifices this poor, poor (emphasis on the poor) man has to make to keep Brit happy.
I can hear the argument-"Honeeeee, I let your friends wear those 'Pimps' jackets at my high-class wedding, can't you just do this teensy-weensy thing for me? Puuleeeeze? Oh, you know what? It would be so cute if you could hold BitBit in your palm, oh thank you kevvy baby."
I want to throw up on him. In fact, it might make him look better!
This photo is trying so hard to look respectable it hurts!!! In this issue of Details - a look at a popstar sellout's latest accessory, and her dog too!
You know, this couple brings Whitney and Bobby to mind, or Liz Taylor and Larry the rehab opportunist. A disaster waiting to happen.
It took me forever to recognize him, and then it dawned on me: this is the first time I've ever seen him without that freaking trucker cap on his head. About the beard: I don't know why it is but every other male model I've seen in a print ad has about a week's growth of scrubbly, half-assed beard... y'know, the kind that's more skin than beard, big bare patches everywhere. I can't grow a decent beard either and I'd be laughed out of town if I let it go for that long, yet somehow celebrities and models are immune. Go figure.
*sigh* Okay, I didn't really think we'd have to go here with BOTH of the Federfugs, but they've left us no choice. Someone must step in and be their daily scriptperson, since it has become abundantly clear over the last year that niether of these (apparent) adults is capable of making moment-to-moment choices regarding their pugnescence. They're like Ronald Regan! Only Greasy!
K. Fed Shoot-Day Schedule
11:00 am wake up
11:02 am hit bong (optional)
11:04 am walk to bathroom
11:05 am get into shower
11:06-11:30 am turn on water. Using lots of soap, wash self. Again and again.
11:31 am go to sink and shave DO NOT PUT DIRTY CLOTHES BACK ON. GET CLEAN ONES AND PUT THOSE ON.
12:00 pm arrive at Details shoot. Do not touch ratdog; ratdog is dirty, like the old clothes.
2:00 pm - until impending divorce free time
See how well that could have gone?
I think if you took away the facial hair and about 10 years you might just have the cover for the next NAMBLA Bulletin.
Totally didn't realize that was Kevin Fugerline until scrolled down and saw "we're out of cheetos."
Omigod... "When you're on the prowl, dude, the facial hair has got to go. Get it all clean-shaven. All David Fucking "You Are So Precious To Me" Silver up in here." You guys are priceless.
Sadly, it took me some time to realize that that was good old cletus. Without his squinty eyes he was hard to recognize. That picture makes him look like the roughed up love child of that one guy from Sports Night and Ashton Kutcher. I don't know why... I think I blame the bad eye brow cock thing....
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Brit and K-Fed letters ... you guys sooo capture the very essence of those two :)
"About the beard: I don't know why it is but every other male model I've seen in a print ad has about a week's growth of scrubbly, half-assed beard... y'know, the kind that's more skin than beard, big bare patches everywhere."
it's the only way they've found to distinguish them from the equally-featureless, equally-asexual female models. sometimes the models themselves aren't sure until going for a week or so of not visiting their stylist.
i knew someone who looked remarkably like cletus in these pictures. i think the only difference was a preference for 7-11 hotdogs instead of cheetos, and he didn't have a rat glued to his arm.
I dunno, Jess ... the piece was really funny, but you're suggesting that he *doesn't* like this look, and I'm not so sure about that.
Hello Bloggers! I am a second year graduate student at the University of Southern California's Annenberg School for Communication in Los Angeles. For my masters thesis project, I am researching the uses and gratifications of bloggers - basically, why people go to blogs: for content gratifications (information/education/learning), social gratifications (interactions/chatting), or process gratifications (search engines/surfing).
I would really appreciate your assistance with this project. Please take a minute to check out the survey link - http://surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=73418829968. It takes less than 2 minutes! And feel free to pass it along to all the bloggers you know and/or post the link on your blogs.
Thanks so much!
And speaking of "Cletus speaks", he really does -- sort of -- on this link:
http://mfile.akamai.com/12917/wmv/vod.ibsys.com/2005/0208/4177713.200k.asx
He looks just like the guy that played Kip, Napoleon's brother, in "Napoleon Dynamite"... only, without the glasses.
Excellent work, ladies. Truly, you have a knack for this and are most deserving of all props.
Of all the stuff you do, I think the "Trials of the Fugerlines" is the best.
Keep it up!
OMFG.
SO.
DAMNED.
FUNNY.
Christ, you are fucking hilarious! I'm sitting here laughing so hard I can barely type! What is up with that stupid-ass expression on his face? He looks like the damn Church Lady.
WTF? Why didn't they make an attempt to clean up Kling-on Federline. He looks like trash that made the cover of a magazine. EWWW!
Oh my God, I think I just peed my pants. Thanks.
And you just know that somewhere, on a beach in the Bahamas, Justin Timberlake is looking at this magazine, drinking a margarita, and laaaaauuuuughing his hot-as-hell, Cameron-Diaz-screwing ass off.
Well done, BritBrit. Well done.
Oh my God, he looks like a *person* on this cover, or at least like someone on the WB. Someone must have turned the hose on him.
Aside from the hilarious K Fed letter (you had me at "check it"), the funniest thing has to be the headline "Kevin Federline Tells All".....The hell? I 'magine the article is about 75 words long and padded with lots of size 36 fonts...
Watch out, Paris, because Cletus is checking into the Hilton. Heh heh. God, I'm funny.
"That picture makes him look like the roughed up love child of that one guy from Sports Night and Ashton Kutcher."
Oh, say it ain't so, BisNation. No one even remotely connected to Sports Night could have anything to do with this little troll.
That said, though, this entry was awesome. Truly hilarious, Jessica. Brava!
This is the perfect complement to the Britney "Merry Christmas, ya'll! And happy ha-" holiday letter. Brilliant!!!
I HEART YOU GIRLS!!
You are juicy x 2.
xoxo
Perez Hilton
I had a dream about Kevin Federline. We were at this huge Hollywood-type party in a mansion and he COMPLETELY all like, "Dude..." and just dopily/good-naturedly hanging about, suddenly thrust into this new world. Anyway, even after partying with the "dude" in the Twilight Zone I didn't even realise that was Kevin Federline. EVERYTHING is manicured on him- from his conditioned/blow-dried hair, to his designer stubble, wardrobe and Mars Attacks Dog accessory (Swap its head with Britneys!) This photo makes him look like a girly-man! (TM Governor Arnie).
I have not been so appalled by a magazine cover since Demi Moore appeared naked and heavily pregnant. Yes she was gorgeous, and I love pregnant women but naked pregnant women on the cover of Vanity Fair was a little bit too far for me. Besides that baby is now a grown woman and I wonder what she thinks of her Mom posing in the buff while she was in vetro.
That day a line was crossed and see how far we've fallen since.
He looks dirty. In his wifebeater he looked dirty, and all cleaned up he looks dirty. I'm convinced that if I touched him, I'd contract hoof and mouth disease.
Animal Welfare should be called to rescue that poor dog. And Paris Hilton's dog. They should do a chihuahua sting operation to liberate them from the socialites who no doubt neglect them.
That poor dog! It looks like its just wet itself (and fortunately its owner, Cletus)
"Watch out, Paris, because Cletus is checking into the Hilton. Heh heh. God, I'm funny. "
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Way to go Jess!
I've never commented before, but just had to after the Cletus letter...you two are so freaking hilarious! I tried to keep from laughing in my cubicle and ended up snorting instead. Pretty. Keep up the awesome work!
That was fucking brilliant!! You two should be on Comedy Central.
K
You two deserve some kind of award for this entry. The BEST I've ever seen.
We're out of cheetos, indeed.
I snarfed when I read this...it's pure platinum. Keep up the fugging, ladies!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahaha. gadamnit it is so hard to stay quiet here at work. from Meal Ticket to Pabsti, this deserves an emmy.
That was fugging priceless. My abs are so cut now from LMAOing.
WARNING: This magazine will leave a grease stain on your coffee table!
Seriously...can this guy ever look clean?
"Some folks'd never eat a skunk,
But then again, some folks'll
Like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel!"
Oh. My. Sweet. God. I just--if I--shit, if I had Britney Spears's money, I wouldn't let this guy squeegee my windshield, let alone marry him. Bleagggghhhhhhhh.
I'm always excited to see a post on the Fuggerline's. Truly hilarious! Next time do me a favor and leave my precious David Silver out of it, kay? B.A.G has done no wrong.
This is priceless. I can't believe that I knew exactly what you were talking about with this line:
All David Fucking "You Are So Precious To Me" Silver up in here.
Funny stuff.
Fresno?? I thought he was from Clovis which is like the armpit of Fresno, n'est-ce pas?
WTF? No "rock out with your cock out" references?
I didn't even recognize, it's the first picture I've seen of him without a trucker hat and cornrows.....
Anyways, funny letter! Bwahaa.
check it...
http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/hits/90210/character_green.html
he seriously looks like he just took a toke and he's all "dude take the picture already before the smoke comes out my nose!"
If you can stomach to stare at the picture, I think you can see Cheetos and bongs dancing in his eyes.
If you can stomach staring at the picture, I think you can see Cheetos and bongs dancing in his eyes.
"Meal Ticket" - I love it. Hey, she was dumb enough to marry him.
"Sure I love you honey. Anyway, I need another Porsche... I sorta broke the other two."
Want info on this photo shoot check out this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6908973/
My favorite quote from this article
“When Britney saw the first Polaroids [which are taken during a shoot to give everyone an idea what the finished photos will look like] there were practically tears in her eyes,” she says. “He looked so handsome.”
Poor Britney really needs to get her eyes checked!
Oh, dear. That MSNBC link reveals the following:
Oliveri says that Federline was “really into it” and tried on “tons of clothes” for the 10-page spread, which will answer the question: Who really is Kevin Federline? The couple also reveal that they are planning to launch their own clothing line for men and women.
Oh. My. God.
They are going to market their Fug to the (rest of the) Great Unwashed. Lord Preserve Me.
Rock Out with Your Cock Out, Dude.
I think there should be a special entry in honor of the rumored split between Britney and Cletus.
Meal Ticket! Heeeeeelarious. I spit out my coffee and alarmed the cat with laughter.
Anyone see the move Dahmer? Looks just like him.
I don't know if anyone else said this already because I didn't read all the comments. His name should totally be changed to Cletus Fugderline!
The former pizza-delivery boy turned dancer told Details magazine that Britney was incredibly proud of him.
"I could be sitting at home doing nothing. I could be playing video games. She's more proud of me than anyone has ever, ever, ever been in my lifetime," he said.
He's got to be taking the piss...?
The terrorists have won.
Someone at MSN Gossip reads Go Fug Yourself. See the link where they talk about Cletus' Details spread - they use both the terms "KFed" and "meal ticket"
http://entertainment.msn.com/music/hotgossipC
I'm convinced that there is NOTHING in this world that would make this man look appealing. Not even soap.
To "Doll":
You are absolutly F@#$ing right!
The J & H need to sue for plagarism.
Seriously.
That author lifted more than just a few words from them.
Where I go to college, you can get EXPELLED for stuff like that.
Plagiarism BOO. Letter of Fug WOOT.
I want the Federline V-Day letter. I'm sure they'll be seen in public being heinous, if only for JT and Cameron's benefit.
Every day I hate these people more and more. Since it was my new year's rez to embrace my inner bitch, I've gotten religious with the Fug Girls, and I'll never look back.
this is the best blog post i have ever read! you're genius!
Freaking hilarious you two! Anyway, Details came in the mail today... we get it because of some rewards program where you pick out about 5 magazines and you get a year's subscription free. I think I accidentally picked this one out... is it a gay magazine?? Cause all the men are really gay looking and not attractive to me. Also they always have this section "Gay or..." and my gay guy friends LOVE it...anywho, the interview is in there and MAN they (Britney and Kevin)are as ass backwards trashy as we all like to joke about. KFed swears in at least every other sentence. He is sooo blase' Britney sounds like a complete moron. And the title of the article is "Britney's Man Dances for his Supper" and on the cover they say "Introducing Mr. Britney Spears" Dayumm, real nice! LOL
"If she makes me bathe again, the doggie gets it."
Yeah, you 2 hideous shrews would know...There are SO many men trying hard to get your attention.
Bwahahahahaha! Funniest thing I've EVer read! Dudes, but you have him nailed. Hehehehehe. Thanks, I love you guys. I've never read this page that I don't LOL. F'in tight, girls.
I have never in all my life been so humiliated to have been born and raised in Fresno and the surround areas. Made my skin crawl---having the trailer park trash mention my hometown.
HOME TRUTHS
Kevin Federline has confessed it wasn't love at first sight when he met Britney Spears. America's most-famous celebrity husband admits that the first time he met his future wife he didn't think she was anything special. "I came to LA and two weeks later I went on tour with a group called LFO, which was opening for Britney," reveals Kevin. "I was on the road with her for two months. I'll tell you one thing - I never thought any of this shit would happen. Me and Britney met. A bunch of us went out one time in a big group. That was when she was starting to get big. She was, like, 18 and I was 22. So I wasn't even thinking about her like that, you know what I'm saying? A few years down the road, and a couple of tours later, I wound up meeting her ass again... and here we are. I didn't find her hot, I wasn't even really in that mind frame." Oh, wow. Mr. Fuggerline in clearly a born romantic. *SWOON* that's a big, fat, NOT.
and guess what else:
TOXIC WASTE
X-Files star David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni say they're considering moving home because of nightmare neighbour Britney Spears. The high-profile couple have been living in Malibu for some time, but say since Britney moved in two months ago the usually-peaceful area has become overrun with photographers and reporters. "Britney moved in a couple of months ago, and since then it's been crazy," explains David. "The other day I was walking to a restaurant and there were photographers in front, and they took a picture of me. I asked, 'What's going on?' and they said, 'We're waiting for Britney.' I knew they weren't waiting for me." Awwwwwwwww.
I love it! More K Fed and Britney! fugging hilarious!
Brilliant.
oh my god. is there any limit to how much you two fucking rock? I don't think so. At all. I love you.