.
"What's uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup, America? YEAH! COME ON! I am BACK, bitches! Did you miss me? Remember when we got along so well on Singled Out, when I would run around whooping and wiggling my tongue and barking at the screen, and you all wanted to sleep with me? Those were the DAYS, man. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But then some guy deci -- WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry, I had one more in me that had to come out.
Back to it: Some guy decided that mugging to the camera and howling meant that I was a talented comedienne, so I became Sitcom Star Jenny McCarthy. Yeah yeah YEEEEAH... except that lasted for, like, two seconds, because America wants to see my tongue and I wasn't giving it to them. And then that bitch Carmen Electra totally stole my rightful career path when she took over Singled Out from me -- I should have been the one on Baywatch, bitches. I would have SMOKED that orange bathing suit. But noooooooooo, Hasselhoff had to go and hire that vapid Prince-boffing nobody, and I WAS STUCK ON SOME STUPID SITCOM THAT TANKED. THANKS, HOFF. May your German fans BREAK YOUR HEART by burning your CDs and becoming MASSIVE Rock Star: INXS fans! HA HA HA HA!
Anyway. Back to me: then came marriage, the baby carriage, blah blah blah... everyone forgot about me, so I had to write a book about stretch marks and swollen ankles had a nice little stint for a while as Relatable Famous Woman Who Gets Pregnant Just The Way You Do! Woohoooooo, Yeah! And that totally worked -- people actually paid to read what I had to say about bloating and waddling! So I wrote a sequel, as Jenny McCarthy: Hilarious And Grounded Mother. And since y'all loved me so much for keepin' it real, Oprah-style, I figured I could make a TV comeback. But no one watched The Bad Girl's Guide To Being Jenny McCarthy or whatever it was called. I don't know why the comeback didn't take -- it worked for Carmen. It should have been ME. ME! I could have made you think I was sane again after 15 minutes of marriage to Dennis Rodman by starring in a reality show about my wedding to a pocket-sized eyeliner-addict rock star who adores me! Then I'd be a Pussycat Doll, and get to prance around in my skivvies while women everywhere buy my workout DVD and I'd be RICH and you would LOVE ME AGAIN and I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ANY MORE STUPID BOOKS WHERE I PRETEND TO THINK PUKE AND CELLULITE AND SWOLLEN FEET ARE CUTE.
Ahem. Hi! So here I am! Woo! I had to come up with something to do to make you notice me again -- until my kid is old enough that I can write a hilarious book about explaining the birds and the bees, or star in the movie adaptation of my future hit autobiographical novel My Mother The MILF, where all my kid's friends come over and try to hook it on up with my sweet ass, I'm kind of useless to everyone. I have to get all up in y'alls grills one more time. And what's the best way to do that? Sheer clothing.
But, like, totally classy sheer clothing -- I want you to see my nipple, dudes, but ONLY through my very modest and thin white granny slip. I've gone from Singled Out to Nipping Out, smackholes! Ha ha ha ha! YES, you LOVE it when I talk crassly to you! Remember how much fun we used to have? YEAH! ROCK OOOOOON! Next time I see you, it'll be from all the magazine covers I'm getting! I am back! This dress is strategically transparent and I am BACK and YOU WILL LOVE ME, ALL OF ME, FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, and if you don't I'm totally going to become a Scientologist so I can be Tom Cruise's fourth wife. Pull up, Mav! Or actually -- DON'T!
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!
So, in the immortal words of Janice Dickinson (who I fully idolize by the way, because she is loud and brash and totally the grown-up version of who I was on Singled Out... she and I should have a show, because Janice is mynspiration), "Au revoir, bitches!"
