For months now, all the gossip has been a tangle of "Nick is a cheat," "Jessica is a cheat," "they secretly hate each other," "Joe Simpson is an asshead." The only thing anyone could really agree upon was the latter count. And now, all the magazines seem to have decided that, despite denials from the Lachey camp, Jessica finally stood up for her poor wounded self and Nick had this coming. I'm sure you've seen the screaming yellow headlines: "WHY JESSICA DUMPED NICK," "WHY JESSICA LEFT NICK," "JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA," "HI MY NAME IS JOE SIMPSON AND I AM A SPIN-CONTROLAHOLIC..." You know the drill. The accompanying stories attempt to claim that she was taking control of a dying marriage, and isn't she brave, and he's a total dog...
Personally, I never thought she was that upset about it, really -- and, well, if we're being honest, I think the Knoxville rumors are true and this whole thing's been a farce for almost a year now. But recently, I began to wonder if perhaps she was more upset about this whole thing than I originally thought. Why do I feel that way?
Exhibit A.
That thing has enough room for Aretha Franklin's breasts, and therefore makes Jessica look like she has two deflated sacks hanging from her chest.
Clearly, nobody would wear this unless she -- or he, I suppose -- were had gone totally blind from grief. Or perhaps it paralyzed her, and Ashlee freaked out, because it's her mandate to be Jessica-lite, and if Jessica isn't out and about, whom can she imitate? So after several attempts to rouse her sister into getting dressed for the Big In '05 awards, poor Ashlee had to resort to rolling up Jessica in whatever pieces of cloth she could find, slapping some color back into her cheeks (wish she'd called and asked me to help), and finally shoving her out onto the red carpet.
Tragic, really.
