HEATHER: I wonder if we should finally do something with that Jessica Simpson dress that everyone's e-mailing us about. It is ugly.
JESSICA: I know. But, ugh. It feels like it's been covered.
HEATHER: Yeah, it's possible everything's already been said about it. Also, I'm still just really sick of her. I can see her beady little eyes through those sunglasses, and I can feel a headache coming on already.
JESSICA: I know. It's like I don't even have the energy to make fun of the dress because she makes me so very tired.
HEATHER: Sweet GOD, though, that this is terrible. It's like if Salvador Dali painted a seascape that he thought existed somewhere in Dante's second ring of hell. It's beyond awful. It's not even flattering.
JESSICA: And the shoes. Usually these people can at least get the shoes right. It hurts me when they don't.
HEATHER: She looks rough. I feel like having no friends and being the big PR loser in her divorce war is kind of turning her into a kooky recluse.
JESSICA: It's about time. I've only been waiting, like, two years for her to retreat into her mansion and draw the shades.
HEATHER: Seriously, where did she get the idea that people in the outside world wanted to be exposed to that pattern? She's the lucky one; she's wearing shades. They protect.
JESSICA: Maybe Ken Paves told her it looked good. And then transferred a bunch of money to a Swiss bank account.
HEATHER: Maybe Adam Levine once told her that he gets horny at surrealist toga parties.
JESSICA: Or maybe Joe told her that if she didn't do something dramatic to get herself back in the public eye, she could be... replaced.
HEATHER: It worked. She is just a step away from Muumuu City in that travesty.
JESSICA: I do wonder if, now that everyone's more interested in Ashlee's nose and Nick and who he's rebounding with, she'll finally go all Sunset Boulevard on the world.
HEATHER: Haha. "I AM big. It's the tabloids that got small."
JESSICA. Right. With a turban! Oh my God, if she'd worn a turban with that...
HEATHER: Turban's are a washed-up diva's best friend.
