Dear Johnny Mr. Depp (sorry, my Mom made me cross that out):
Hi dude Mr. Dude! My name is Matthew Underwood, and I just want to say that I am a huge fan of yours! You are, like, THE swashbuckling inspiration to my generation, man! And the eyeliner... it's totally changed my life, dude, because my eyes are all fierce now and the actresses in town are jealous and yet also can't help staring at them because I TOTALLY smolder now.
Did I mention I am a huge fan? God, I'm so nervous! I bet I mentioned that already. But you can totally see for yourself from this photo that was taken at the Monster House premiere -- I went in costume as a pirate! Isn't that wicked? Pirates of the Caribbean was so meaningful to my life that I just could NOT show up to this movie premiere without making it obvious to everyone what I would RATHER be watching. I'm not even in Monster House! I just showed up to make that statement!
Anyway, I'm writing because... well, I think I could learn a lot from you. We're totally alike, you and I. See, you did 21 Jump Street, which was about youth crime, and I am on Zoey 101, which is that show with Jamie-Lynn Spears where my all-boys prep school is starting to admit girls now and my character thinks that is a crime. See? The same. We're both crime-fighters. And, seriously, look -- I am like your CLONE up in that Jack Sparrow stuff! I'm getting goosebumps! My mom was totally mad at me for wearing that out in public -- something about looking foolish, looking like I didn't know what event I was going to, I don't know; she doesn't GET ME -- and she was yelling at me, all, "Well, if you love Johnny Depp so much, then maybe HE can raise you!"
So, you know. If you wanted to... I mean, adoption is totally safe and popular. And that way I can be EVEN CLOSER to modeling my career after my one and only idol! Or maybe, if you can't get the French paperwork in order or something, you could just arrange it so in one movie, Jack Sparrow finds this really scrappy young boy and decides to be his father-figure (oh, God, and George Michael has that song... this is GIVING ME CHILLS, Mr. Johnny, I KNOW you can feel it too), and then we can be on a film set together while you give me the gift of your method and we'll sit around trying to understand girls and drinking beers. I'm not legal, but parents can totally get away with giving their kids beer, I think... I'm just saying. But I really think it would be good for me -- I mean, I don't want to get sucked into that Spears vortex, and I'm at a very impressionable age, so the sooner we hang out the better, and maybe I won't EVER brandish that second finger-gun. I don't WANT to be That Guy, Johnny. Help me.
Okay! So get back to me with the details! I love you -- your work, I mean; I won't love you in THAT way until you're OFFICIALLY my dad.
Peace, dude -- I mean it, write back soon!
Matthew
