"Well. I'm sure it's very nice for Penelope to have her little Oscar nomination -- I mean, how thrilling for her that people aren't questioning her ability to act any more, you know? I wonder how that felt. Probably not very good, much like all her English-language movies. Ha ha! I mean, who was she kidding with the Mandolin one? Nicolas Cage? Really? But that's not her fault -- I mean, we can't all be in a summer blockbuster like Wild Wild West with Will Smith and that other person, right? Anyway, it's just so exciting for Penelope to be able to lose to Helen Mirren on national television, which she totally knows how to do now that she's already lost to Meryl Streep at the Globes in front of all those people. I can sympathize, of course, but I can't empathize, since my show won and that makes me a Golden Globe-winning executive producer, AND the actress I fought for won her category, too, which is really like me scoring two trophies on one night. But you know, I don't need to bring that up, because I don't really need to be the center of attention here -- I mean, I'm not even going to campaign for myself to get an Emmy nomination for my really long guest-turn on Ugly Betty, which by the way was in ENGLISH, bitches, and that's not my first language EITHER and yet you all managed to love ME in it, but of course I'm not going to say that to Penelope because it will just make her feel bad about her own failures and we are VERY CLOSE friends, and oh LOOK, there she is up there staring at me. THANKS FOR THAT, producers, because it reminds me that I'm so pleased for Penelope that I even put on my very biggest fake bangs for this announcement and it has NOTHING TO DO with wanting to hide my eyes at all, because they are full of nothing but thrilled thrilledness that my VERY BEST PAL got an Oscar nomination for prancing around with lots of eyeliner on and wearing a prosthetic ass, and seriously, I am so happy. SO HAPPY. Did you not hear me scream before? I AM REALLY, REALLY HAPPY. STOP LOOKING AT ME."
