Look, Helen. We have to talk.
You look fantastic. AGAIN. Do you have to look awesome in everything? You are making it very hard for the rest of the world to compete. Fair-skinned, fair-haired people (like, say, me) often can't wear yellow without looking like they're dying, and here you are smiling beautifully in your gleaming paleness and being fabulous. Like you ALWAYS are.
Don't you get bored with wiping the floor with everyone else? Don't you ever have the urge to throw on Uggs and some leggings with a caftan made of paisley terrycloth and watch Cannes fixture Sharon Stone weep with joy that she isn't being outdressed, outshone, outbabed?
Okay, so maybe I don't want you to resort to that. But if you keep this up, Hollywood's starlets might just lock themselves in their mansions and refuse to come out until the end of time, because there's no point; everyone's always drooling over you. And then, where will we find our fug? Can't you think of us? Just ONCE, can't you stop putting YOURSELF first and prioritize OUR needs?
Sigh. At least you might be saving other young actresses' faces from Rose McGowan Syndrome. The girl's not even 34 yet and she no longer looks like herself; as long as you're out there setting the bar super high all around town, you provide a perfect walking argument for how hot a woman can be without messing up her face.
** Oh dear: We just found out, thanks to a kind e-mailer, that Rose McGowan's face is different because she was in a bad car accident a while ago. Which is very sad. So I'm canceling Rose McGowan Syndrome, as we would rather have her alive and simply looking different than the alternative. See? I'm a lover AND a fugger. Maybe Helen Mirren can be out and about combating Jennifer Grey Syndrome instead. Or Marie Osmond Disease.
*** Oh dear II: We just found out that Rose McGowan's story about the car accident is rumored to be a cover for botched plastic surgery. We don't know what to believe any more. Should we be sympathetic that her face looks a mess, because it was a Tragic Accident and she is the real hero? Or should we wonder why we had never really heard about the aforementioned accident much before now, and therefore be laughing inside because it's her own damn fault that she went under the knife with a surgeon who apparently only wants women to look like Teri Hatcher? What? WHAT? CAN WE LAUGH OR NOT?!? Save me, Jeebus!
