MICHALKA 1: How do I keep things new? Well, my tip is, instead of a boring old store-bought bracelet, you can MAKE one! How? It's easy: PAINTER'S TAPE!
ALICIA KEYS: That's... great, yeah! Sigh. How did I get roped into this? Is Ashton Kutcher back there somewhere? He is, isn't he?
MICHALKA 2: Whatever, dude -- I mean, I guess tape is okay, but Daddy's necktie drawer works just as well for accessories AND it doesn't pull any hair off your arm.
ALICIA: Hysterical, really. Yeah. Now come on -- who did this? Was it Beyonce? It's always freakin' Beyonce.
MICHALKA 1: EWWWW, you have HAIR on your ARMS?
ALICIA: Did that bitch tell you I was available to give credibility to these two? They're not even the real Olsen Twins! What, am I not BIG ENOUGH for the real Olsen Twins?
MICHALKA 2: Shut UP, beeyotch, it's NORMAL! Not EVERYONE feels the need to wax everything in sight! God, you're so MEAN. I'm telling Mom!
ALICIA: I can't believe this. I'm just going to smile at the host and pretend they're not here. And after I kill whoever agreed to this booking, I'm gonna to slap the disco fever out of whoever left me nothing but this jumpsuit to wear. Are we sure Punk'd got cancelled?
MICHALKA 1: FINE, then I'll tell Mom you cut up one of her favorite blazers to make that vest after you saw one like it on Melrose Place!
ALICIA: Seriously, I am in pretty good shape. But next to them, in these pants? EACH of my legs looks like two of theirs put together. That is twisted.
MICHALKA 2: You wouldn't DARE! And anyway, it's better than what Alicia's wearing! She'd need to hire another assistant just to handle zipper duty all day!
ALICIA: I did NOT just hear that. I DID NOT just HEAR THAT. First of all, it's Ms. Keys if you're nasty. And if you're not.
MICHALKA 1: Ha ha ha, that was good, Aly! Or are you AJ? Sometimes even I forget.
ALICIA: I give up. You know what? I'm just gonna chill and enjoy the fact that this is the last time I'm ever coming here with people so young they were probably still eating paste five years ago.
MICHALKA 1: Oh, my GOD, that reminds me: You know what works awesome if you're out of white eye shadow? GLUE! Your eyes look so big!
ALICIA: I rest my case.
