The Children's Defense Fund is a very worthy cause, I'm sure -- thank goodness someone is thinking of the children, after all -- and their annual dinner is definitely not an event at which you ought to show up, like, with your boob hanging out. And yet, I don't know that all Serious Causes out and out require you to show up at their events looking Oh My God So Serious And Hence Terribly Drab, as pictured below:
Two beautiful girls stand before me, with all the potential and good skin in the world. But only one of them can continue on to be America's Next Top Serious Issues Spokeswoman. The girl whose name I do not call must immediately go back to her posh condo in West Hollywood, put on a bunch of make-up, take off her bra, and go out and get hammered, giving up her dream of being taken seriously as Someone Who Cares.
Elisha, you do look incredibly serious in this picture, thanks especially to your I'm Taking The Veil Next Week hair, and your I Only Wear Hemp-colored sweater dress. But you seem to have forgotten that leggings are solely the purview of body-shots-taking starlets, and I think your shoes might be slippers. However, I salute your I'm Not Here to Have a Good Time expression, and you have a really attractive -- yet, importantly, not slutty -- collarbone on display here. But I must also consider that you are single, and therefore might get distracted from Serious Issues of Great Seriousness by dudes.
Keri, I have to commend you for looking incredible after having a baby, like, yesterday. You, too, model very unfrivolous hair, and appear to be wearing something that we might possibly see on a lunch lady at a very fashion-forward middle school. However, you still look sort of sexy, despite wearing no make-up.
Girls, this was a very tough decision, one of the most difficult ones ever at America's Next Top Serious Issues Spokeswoman. I commend you both for making an effort and thinking of the children, as well as realizing that part of breaking out of the starlet mold is Actually Kind of Caring About Stuff....
Keri, congratulations. You're still in the running to be America's Next Top Serious Issues Spokeswoman. The fact that you've managed to look so good with a newborn at home makes us think that you are up to the challenge of talking Seriously about Serious Issues while still looking approachable and, also, your dress is, yes, Serious but still rather attractive. We commend you.
Elisha, girl, don't give up on your dreams of being taken Seriously. You came so close here. In fact, had those mischievous leg-coverings had feet, you might have snuck in. But leggings are just TOO frivolous. Surely, you understand. Now, get out.
