But yes, apparently Charlize -- an Oscar winner, but hey, who cares about stuff like that when Will Smith is wearing tank tops? -- tags along for some of the ride, kind of like making sure there's beer at the party for dudes who don't drink the hard stuff. However, the jury is having a tough time rendering a solid verdict on Ms. Theron's various outfits. That's where you come in, sweet readers.
Let's start with London:
The defense is busy drooling (just like the guys behind her in the photo), so the prosecution takes this moment to jump in and suggest that one should never stand like that while wearing a dress that's cut so severely, because it makes you look backwards, and as if you have shoulder blades for boobs. Also, her shoe looks a half-size too big, and it's all a little bit The First Lady Attends A State Funeral. The defense chokes back a randy comment about her legs in favor of pointing out that ANYONE showing up at a funeral in a dress cut that high would put the "fun" in "funeral" and should therefore be considered a hero.
Now let's jet back in time, to Paris:
The prosecution is attempting an unseemly and annoyingly elaborate demonstration involving an OB tampon and some blue-colored water, while the defense -- inspired by that last photo -- sucks on symbolic popsicles before noting that very few people could parade around in a giant puff of 1000-thread-count sheets without looking moronic and stumpy and twee, but Charlize brings some glam to it. Frustrated the prosecution starts chortling about her magically appearing tan and suggests that there is an impending global shortage of boob tape because she used it all to keep the top from drooping in an X-rated way. The defense offers the prosecutors a popsicle and the judge threatens to hold them in contempt unless they capitalize the word "Popsicle" because it's a brand name.
And finally, we've seen London, we've seen France; now let's see Charlize's Berlin picture. (What? You thought I was going somewhere else with that sentence?)
[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]
Everyone is deep in thought. Someone on the prosecution does a gentle clog dance to see if that argument against her footwear would hold water -- the defense throws a $5 bill at its rival table and hollers for a reprise -- and then the rest of the team makes weird choking gestures and suggests that a restricted airway upon trying on the dress might have prevented Charlize from making a sensible decision. Finally, they sketch a dust ruffle for the jury and conclude by complaining that the dress is trying to do too many things at once, and that the defense ate all the orange popsicles -- "Objection! Improper capitalization," smarms the defense -- without asking if anyone wanted that flavor. Yawning but cocky, the defense agrees that perhaps the dress is a little
involved and cedes the shoe point to the prosecution, then rests
on its argument that a) the rest of the styling is great, b) the
dress keeps everything in its place and flatters her physique, c) she just looks badass, and d) whoever paid for the Popsicles gets to eat whatever flavors he or she wants, so the prosecution can just DEAL WITH IT.
Has the jury reached a verdict?
