August 2008 Archives

August 29, 2008

NYFug.com: Your Questions Answered

Have we told you lately that we love you? Because we do.

Our editor at NY Mag got a whole horde of submissions from you guys asking us about everything from Fashion Week celeb-spotting to male models; from Chad Michael Murray to tips on coping with the pressure of arriving at Bryant Park and mingling with the fashion crowd:

Short of dressing up as a leprechaun or lighting yourself on fire, you'd have to work super hard to stand out as the best- OR worst-dressed person in the room. When there's a woman in a bedazzled fur turban making the rounds, your skirt is beside the point, so just relax and ogle.

We tried to pick stuff for the column that covered the entire spectrum. Drop by the whole column if you want to hear more; we hope you enjoy the fruits of your labor. And speaking of that, have an awesome Labor Day long weekend. You earned it.

August 29, 2008

Fug or Fab: Sienna Miller

TO: BGETTY@GROSS.NET
FROM: SIENNAMILL@DUMB.COM

B -- OMG shit has hit fan here. Wankers vandalized my house. Am just wandering the streets carrying bag I stole from an old-timey hobo I saw by the train tracks. Can't believe I sunk so low as to steal from homeless. What have we done? I love u but maybe we should cool it.

Love,

S

poll by twiigs.com

August 29, 2008

When I Fug Up

Fug file:

girl groups

It must be so fun to be a Pussycat Doll. Because there is nothing -- NOTHING -- you can put on that is TOO ridiculous to be part of this group.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

They might as well be Hot Topic mannequins. I would love to be backstage with them, watching Yellow Stripes up there running around screaming that she can't possibly go on until she finds the belt that goes around her tin-foil corset. Or her opposite number, Pink Stripes, struggling angrily with all the stuck zippers on her pants and cutting bits out of her latex gloves while Redhead gets her hooves polished by a P.A., and Nicole helps The Other One glue her hip bling into place. THAT is the reality show I want to see. Forget The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Person To Decide She Doesn't Actually Want To Be A Pussycat Doll After All Even Though We Have Room For Her Because That Manly One Quit The Group; just make the Pussycat Dolls present THEMSELVES.

August 29, 2008

Random Fug: Gaia Bermani Amaral

Fug file:

There's been an accidental bathroom theme on GFY lately, between Claire Danes' soap dispenser and Posh's designer back bathmat, and now this:

I suspect all the shower curtains in Melania Trump's wing of the penthouse look exactly like this.

August 29, 2008

Fug or Fab: Campy Spice

Fug file:

We got a few e-mails this morning to the effect of, "WHY POSH WHYYYYYYYY?" But of course, I have come to cherish Madam Beckham, so when I saw this picture I thought, "YES, Posh, YES."

[Photos: Splash News]

She brings me such joy. She's standing there all fierce, like, "DRINK ME IN. What do you mean there's something unusual on my back? Surely not FAT CELLS. IT HAD BETTER NOT BE FAT CELLS."

Which, of course, it isn't:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Campy Spice.

August 29, 2008

Fug the Cover: Ali Lohan

Fug file:

random-ass magazines

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. Oh, god, I'm sorry. Just a second. Hang on. I have to catch my breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAH. Hee. Hee hee hee. Ahh. Hee. Oh, goodness. That was refreshing. A nice, hardy snicker first thing on a Friday morning. It does you some good. I really shouldn't laugh. But, "Ali Lohan is America's New Sweetheart"? Oh, that is rich. RICH, I tell you. If we love her so much, why are sitting back and allowing her to be strangled by a posse of rogue necklaces and her own hair? I ask you.

August 28, 2008

Fug or Fab: Emmy Rossum

Fug file:

Back in the day, we totally poured down hell on Emmy Rossum for alway going out of the house dressed like the twee-est little porcelain doll you ever saw, as well as for her inability to close her mouth, like, EVER, during The Phantom of the Opera. And it seems that in the interim, she's made some changes to her look:

I can hear her now. "I'll show them! What's the opposite of prim and proper? LEATHER. YES. LEATHER. And EYELINER! But if we could get the leather in a really sweet shift dress? That'd be great. NOT TOO SHORT OR LOW CUT! I mean, REALLY SEX IT UP. But don't."

All things considered, of course, I think she actually does look rather cute. It's just amusing to me that after like 20 years of frilly poofy things in lollipop colors, she's popped up in black leather. Our little girl's all growed up.

poll by twiigs.com

August 28, 2008

Fugdust

Fug file:

Since she's at a Venice Film Festival event for a movie about Valentino, I'm going to go ahead and assume Claire Danes is wearing the designer's dress here. All comments about her uneven cleavage tan and her lemon-sucking smile aside, I'm sure I'm SUPPOSED to find this outfit romantic and girly.

Instead, all it evokes for me is one of those absurdly ornate lines of bathroom objects -- like wastebaskets and toothbrush holders -- that you find in the Target bathroom section with names like Nouveau Luxe or Pink Eden. It's not a good sign when all I want to do is push her head to see if her mouth dispenses hand soap.

August 28, 2008

Fug On Over

Fug file:

When Jessica Simpson decided to switch to being a country singer, I actually thought it was a good idea -- I mean, here is a girl who has some talent but hasn't quite seemed to fit in anywhere, she's from Texas, she's got roots in the South, and she's got the same hair as country success stories like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill and Taylor Swift and.... the list is long. (Admittedly, we'd rather see her with a Reba-style red bouffant, but Ashlee won the red hair coin-toss so it's not going to happen.) So it's not a DUMB idea for her to switch genres.

But here's why I am skeptical of it working: She is TOTALLY pandering. All of a sudden, she's back in her Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and knotted button-down shirts, or she's on-stage in stuff like this:

[Photo: Splash News]

HONEY.Your career is not a stage adaptation of Big Business; you, therefore, do not need to style yourself as though you are playing the Bette Midler "rural twin" who likes to yodel at the county fair. Country fans are not idiots; it is wrong to assume that, just because you wear something that looks like you stitched it together from picnic-basket liners during a really boring hayride, they will stop booing you and start hugging and toasting marshmallows. These people will not appreciate being talked-down-to -- or styled-down-to, as it were -- by a girl who thought tuna was chicken and, worse, thought acting stupid made her adorable.

Also, put your tongue back in your mouth. You don't know where that air has been.

August 28, 2008

The Fugen

Fug file:

basic (or unbasic) black

I was talking to my friend Grant yesterday about this remake of The Women Eva Mendes is in, and how I am really not very interested in it, in part because the casting makes me feel like I just tripped and fell into 1995 (Eva Mendes aside, actually), but also because the sentence, "Eva Mendes takes over the Joan Crawford role" makes my blood run ice cold, and surely makes Joan Crawford's ice cold blood run hot as she attempts to claw out of her grave to go smack Eva Mendes around. The more I think about it, the more I kind of don't get Eva Mendes in general. Nor, I must, confess, do I entirely get this:

Are those staples? Did she just escape from a stint as a celebrity Project Runway model for a challenge involving only items found at Office Max? Or was this once some wildly floaty gown and while she was looking at herself in the mirror at home she realized it was far too vast and did some quick and dirty home-seamstress work? Because maybe she shouldn't quit her day job, in that instance, after all.

August 27, 2008

Scarlett May Blossom's Fuggery

DUDES. I am so over Phoebe Price. For a while, I found her excessive fame-whoring somewhat charming. Not charming the way, like, little baby booties that look like Mary Janes are charming, or the way tiny piglets are charming. But charming in the sense that it was SO blatant that it was sort of refreshing. Because it was so obvious. But now it's just tired. To wit:

SIGH. P-Squared has invited photogs to snap pics of her recording an audio book of Scarlett May Blossom's Diary: Ceilings I Have Seen. A book which isn't on Amazon, and therefore is not actually a proper book requiring an audio version, but in fact a book that has probably been mocked up for the exact purpose of this photoshoot, which is solely to make it seem like PP has a JOB, which we all know she does not, which of course once again makes us all wonder how she can afford the never-ending series of bizarre animal-patterned nylon frocks and hair extensions. If it were anyone else, I would think that Scarlett May Blossom's Diary: Ceilings I Have Seen was an ironic, winking reference to the fact that the bloggers and blog-readers of the world are pretty sure PP is actually the kept woman of some very rich but extremely unimportant person, but considering the source, I suspect she just thought it sounded like a good read.

The amount of work it surely took to mock up photos like this one, however, make me feel like maybe it would be less work for her to actually get an ACTUAL JOB:

P: NO ONE BELIEVES YOU ARE IN DEMAND BY ANYONE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. (Being in demand by those of us bloggers who occasionally need material doesn't count.) This entire charade is a ridiculous waste of time and resources. You would be better served by actually getting an actual job instead of laboring so tirelessly at PRETENDING you are employed. Then you could be ACTUALLY employed and not have to continue this ridiculous idiotic play-acting. WE'D ALL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. To quote R Kelly's seminal "Sex In the Kitchen:" Go get a goddamn job, dog. Shit, leave me alone. Get a job.

Also, I don't care for that dress. Just so we're on topic.

August 27, 2008

Tara Fugd

Fug file:

Careful with those arms, Tara.

[Photos: WENN]

For one thing, letting your shirt ride up thusly makes it look like you had your navel surgically removed. But also, if you party any harder, that thing could creep up so high that we all see first-hand for ourselves whether you had your boobs re-expanded.

Unless of course you're wearing a bra. Are you?

Continue reading Tara Fugd.

August 27, 2008

I Fugged

Fug file:

Solange Knowles' reign of terror continues, and her legs are paying the price! Behold:

I enjoy that all of the men in the background are very, very studiously NOT looking at her, like if they were to look directly at her tights, their faces would melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. However, I must speak out on behalf of that leg-wear for a brief moment (from afar, it appears to depict rats, but they are horses and elephants, I believe). While they are... most bizarrely heinous on her legs, I rather suspect they'd make for adorable wallpaper. So at least there's that!

No such back-handed compliments can be applied to this, however:

I hear you. You're saying, "But, Jessica! That dress is cute! Whatever do you mea- ACK! MY EYES! MY PRECIOUS SIGHT! SWEET GOD, WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!"

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Continue reading I Fugged.

August 27, 2008

Fug or Fab: Tilda Swinton

Fug file:

yellow

I hope Tilda Swinton's acting career thrives for another 30 years, because I will never NOT be excited at the prospect of seeing what she's wearing -- and I deeply need her to keep herself at the level of public wackitude to which I've become accustomed.

This might not do it:

[Photo: WENN]

I'm torn here. On the one hand, the collar makes it look like she just recently feasted on the carcass of some fresh prey; on the other, the suit fits her pretty well, and frankly, it's just not quite as cracked-out as she's been in the past. The last thing I ever want to do when I look at a photo of Tilda Swinton is yawn and consider bypassing it. I want the extremes -- unmitigated fabulousness or undiluted crazy. I want this outfit to look MORE like someone threw a plate of pasta at her. Although the shoes are kind of psychedelically amusing; they faintly evoke something Strawberry Shortcake would wear if times got rough and she turned to streetwalking. So that's something.

poll by twiigs.com

August 26, 2008

Fuglange Knowles

Fug file:

feathers

It must be hard to be Knowles The Lesser. It must be close to the modern equivalent of being the younger, lamer sibling of the heir to a throne. You're just Duke So And So and everrrrrrrryone is all het up about your brother, kissing his ass and bringing him candied pheasant tongues and big fat fancy brooches and chatting him up about their duchy or their hot young daughter or whatever in hopes of winning favor, and you're just left alone at the back of the throne room to play with the ostrich feathers in your hat and give him dirty looks and drink copious amounts of mead and then eventually getting so bitter about how no one pays any attention to YOU that you get up a group of untrustworthy followers and try and stab your brother with an arrow or something and then you get exiled to Majorca or whatever and it's all a huge disaster.

I mean, she's already got the feathers:

[Photo:Splash]

And if this isn't a cry for attention, I don't know what is. Beyonce better up her security, is what I'm saying.

August 26, 2008

Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

Fug file:

beige,
BORING

We got an email the other day from a reader, and it said something along the lines of, "Is Jessica Biel looking kind of bland lately, or is it just me?" And I was like, "gentle reader, it is not just you, for I was thinking the same thing recently." I mean, it's not that she woke up some morning and she was totally hideous -- she is still physically lovely, of course -- but she just looks so OATMEAL lately. To wit:

I mean, it's fine. She looks fine. I just feel like iJEBT Iufiu9487ytg'jhnbhhhhhh.iwyriu bb b

Sorry. I fell asleep. I was just going to say that she's young and firm and gorgeous, so why doesn't she try some eiwhto98e877244 *%&$Tgjkekgn .

Shoot. You know what? Why don't you take over?

poll by twiigs.com

August 26, 2008

Fug & Kim

Fug file:

The promos for Kath & Kim that ran during the Olympics deeply stank. To the point where I think I felt actual, physical pain. I would shake my fist at the sky and ask why, GOD, WHY, so many talented people are involved in something so potentially awful, but then I remember that Maid In Manhattan is not a figment of my (or Ralph Fiennes') imagination, so ... truly anything is possible.

Ergo, I guess Selma Blair can't be blamed for taking a pair of scissors to her dress. Those commercials would make anyone stabby.

But buck up, Selma. You've managed to create something akin to what might be on the cover if Martha Stewart were allowed to guest-edit an issue of Elle. In fact, I'm sure Martha will be calling you imminently to book you for a guest segment on her talk show, all about how to freshen up your old clothes by treating them like paper snowflakes. You might want to leave those white lace inserts at home, though; adding anything doily-like to this craft project might make Martha's head spin off her neck and explode with joy, and we need her too much. She's like a lifestyle MacGyver. Without Martha, how would I possibly figure out how to make a Halloween centerpiece out of a pile of wet leaves, a cinnamon stick, some Hanes undershirts, and a rented goat? HOW?!?

August 26, 2008

Fug Men

Fug file:

Bryan Batt is great on Mad Men.

But that's nothing compared to his burgeoning career as a model for the new "Tommy Bahama: Weddings" catalog.

August 26, 2008

Patricia Fugquette

Fug file:

Oh honey NO

It may confuse you to learn that Patricia Arquette here was attending a Radiohead concert.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

It certainly perplexed ME -- one look at this photo and I felt certain Al's Boot Farm was sponsoring another legendary three-day Square-Dancing and Macrame-Animals Exposition and Food Fair. Unless perhaps P.Arq is teaching a course there on how to do-si-do to "Idioteque." That and some slabs of cornbread might be worth the price of admission.

August 25, 2008

Reminder: NYFug.com Q&A

If you had a hankering to submit a question to us to be answered in this week's NYMag.com column, then time is ticking -- we're most likely writing the piece on Wednesday, so you have about a day and a half left for submissions. Here's a reminder as to how to get us your itching, burning queries:

1) Dash off an email with your question(s) in it to Jessica Coen at jessica (dot) coen (at) nymag (dot) com

2) Drop by our column from last week and leave your question in the comments section (registration required).

I think Intern George has a really long list of things to ask, so make sure you get your requests in ahead of his.

And now back to our regularly scheduled fuggery.

August 25, 2008

Mad Fug

Fug file:

Ooookay. January Jones always looks so beautfully prim on Mad Men that, I admit, it's kind of a shock to see her like this:

From the neck up, she's all Whimsy McRetro, but from there down, she's seriously hardcore Heidi Montag. And I ask you: DOES THAT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA? DOES IT?

I didn't think so.

August 25, 2008

The Fuggit By Fuggis Hilton, Part II: The Actual Box Of Fake Hair

Fug file:

just...wow

Evidently, it's a fake-hair-palooza at GFY HQ today. Initially, I was going to fold this photo of Paris Hilton's box of extensions into other bit with her that I did, but in fact, it demands its own post -- in part because there is no way Paris, either in real life or in parody, could offer the proper perspective on the hilariousness of this packaging. Seriously, it may have made my morning.

Behold, The Bandit:

Or should I say, "The Bandit," thanks to the unnecessary quotation marks that give it a delicious ironic air-quotes effect -- like whoever designed this is all, "Seriously, the only similarity this has to an actual bandit is that it ALSO should be outlawed." And yet it is AWESOME. I particularly enjoy the gentle elegance of Paris' heartfelt "That's Hot!" endorsement. It amuses me that the packaging's proofreader refused to let Paris spell it with her signature "hott" and yet allowed the erroneous non-word "Everytime" to find its way on there. Not that anyone will notice, because we are all too hypnotized by Paris's sultry gaze. Yes, thanks to her 22-inch hair that's been hot-glue-gunned to a piece of cloth, Paris FINALLY has the confidence to undress you with her eyes, although I think she also wears that same expression when she attempts math, uses her microwave, or is asked to spell her name.

However, I completely believe the claim that this product has "fashion on the run," as there is no way anyone or anything associated with actual fashion -- except maybe the Heatherette boys -- would do anything but flee screaming from this. And yet I am equally certain I will end up buying it at some point, because I have a not-so-secret love of deeply fake hair and its attendant camp factor, and Halloween is RIGHT around the corner. In fact, I wore J.Simp's extensions the year I went as Fergie, but those clip in and can't be torn off in the head of a catfight without some serious scalp issues. So these might be even better. I mean, what if I want to go as Dr. Kimberly Shaw but I don't want to shell out for an actual wig? Perfect: I can rewrite her famous Melrose Place scene as, "She Ripped Off Her Headbandit." I may owe Paris a major debt of gratitude here.

August 25, 2008

The Fuggit By Fuggis Hilton

Fug file:

rompers,
SIGH

"Dear Diary,

"Psst! Over here! Tell me honestly: Can you see the bronzer line on my palm? You can, huh? Damn, I wanted everything to be perfect today, Diary! Because I'm launching my new line of hair extensions that are, like, sewed to a headband, or something, and I needed it to be a special day. But it's already ruined, because not only did I just now discover that I have freakishly long Arsenio Hall fingers AND self-tanner marks, but stupid Nicky totally lied to me. I e-mailed her last week and told her I wanted to dress up like a candy striper today, right? Because I read somewhere that people called "candy stripers" work in hospitals helping the needy, and my fake hair is saving people in their hour of desperation, and stuff, so it's like totally the same. And then Nicky showed up with THIS thing, and I was like, "Dude, this doesn't even come off easily, and there are no pasties and there's not even any glitter," and Nicky's all, "Whoa, fool, 'candy striper' is pronounced like STRIPE, not like STRIPPER," and I cried for like TWO MINUTES.

"And then I remembered that I totally brought a costume change with me that would save the day. Do you want to see it, Diary? Do you? I thought so:

Continue reading The Fuggit By Fuggis Hilton.

August 25, 2008

Celebrity Tanorexia Watch: Nancy O'Dell

Fug file:

tanorexia

I don't swear that much on this Web site, because my mother reads it and I love her, but sometimes a nice, therapeutic four-letter word is the best expression of the depth of my terror -- and when a celebrity comes along and vaults right into the top spot on the Terror Watch index to the point where she redefines it, well, that is when clean language deserts me.

And so: HOLY SHIT, Nancy O'Dell.

You are not a baseball mitt. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

Appendix: TANOREXIA WATCH TERROR CHART

SEVERE:

Nancy O'Dell. MY GOD, WOMAN. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSES? DID YOU FALL INTO A VAT OF BROWN SHOE POLISH? ARE YOU AUDITIONING TO BE THE FOOTBALL AT THIS YEAR'S OPENING NFL GAME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

HIGH:

Rachel Zoe

ELEVATED:

Jennifer Aniston

GUARDED:

Hollywood Starlet whose agent gave her four gift-certificates to Mystic Tan

LOW:

Sane, sensible, person-colored person

August 25, 2008

Fuggy and Fug Tour

Fug file:

Oh my god, Madonna:

WE GET IT. You've REALLY been working out. Your muscles are amazing. You could crush a man's skull with your quads. Every day, you crack walnuts in your arm pits. You have managed to do what Cher could not and actually turned back time. You're now biologically a 24 year old professional male rock climber who just moonlights as a popular pop star (the positioning of the mic is a bit much, by the way). You are a creature unlike any other and will never age, we promise. Now, will you PLEASE PUT ON SOME PANTS?

August 25, 2008

Fugs or Fabs: Assorted Gossip Girls

Fug file:

NICOLE FISCELLA: You know, I'm really cute, and I'm working the heck out of this Herve Leger. Too bad I don't get any lines on the show, producers.

TAYLOR MOMSEN: I feel kind of....weird in this. Am I supposed to look 30? I'm only 15. Is this like a Kate Moss costume or something? That seems like a weird choice.

LEIGHTON MEESTER: Bored now. Where's Chuck?

JESSICA SZOHR: You know what makes me uncomfortable? How much Gossip Girl fans hate me, not being allowed to wear any makeup at these things, and this belt -- every time I sit down.

NICOLE: Like, when Blair was being all ostracized by her peeps and all of a sudden this totally random new super popular girl was being bitchy to her? Why didn't I get those lines? I'M STANDING RIGHT THERE. Well, this super tight dress will get their attention. Get a load of this, Josh Schwartz. How do you like me now?

TAYLOR: Seriously, didn't I read something somewhere about how it's totally gross to see a high school sophomore dressed up like a 28 year old socialite going through a Bad Girl phase before she marries some European heir to like a textile fortune or something? I have years for that! I want to take off some of this eye makeup! MOM!!!

LEIGHTON: Yawn.

JESSICA: I mean, could I maybe just be allowed some lip gloss next time? Just a wee bit. Come on, guys. It's not my fault my character might break up Dan and Serena. I DIDN'T WRITE IT. Why am I being so punished?

poll by twiigs.com

August 25, 2008

9Fug21Fug

Fug file:

I don't know what's in the water over at the 90210 set, but there was a lot of fake or seriously fake-looking hair at the premiere party.

Let's start with the latter, as spied on the head of Jessica Lowndes, who plays someone named Adrianna -- who Wikipedia describes as, "a theatre 'goddess' who is Naomi Clark's best friend and Ethan Ward's secret girlfriend; she suffers a serious drug addiction." Or in old-school terms, that's two cups of Brenda multiplied by a few tablespoons of season 6 Kelly Taylor, with a dash of the time Brandon slept with his professor's wife and tried to keep it a secret.

Anyway:

I have no idea if this is actually a wig. But doesn't it look like one? I don't think I've ever seen real hair that is as shiny as her bangs. I can't stop staring at it and thinking, "Maybe just the fringe is fake. But maybe it's real and just ridiculously healthy. But... maybe not? Also, she's wearing a ton of makeup. She kinda reminds me of Annie Potts in Pretty in Pink, with the heavy eyeliner and the dramatic wigs. And are those wedding shoes?"

Parenthetically, if this IS her hair for the show -- real or not -- it's a tad on-the-nose to make her the "theatre goddess" (which, isn't that just a polite way of saying "drama queen"?) and give her a coif with strong echoes of Brenda, when in fact in the course of her character's school play experience she will be DEALING with Brenda. Oh, new 90210, when will you give up on the young 'uns and make it all about the old favorites?

Back on-topic: Another reason this amused me is that "Adrianna" is tight with the Naomi character, played by everyone's emerging-favorite drunkfaced starlet AnnaLynne McCord -- who, the last time we saw her, had long, flowing curly locks and was struggling to keep her goodies in the cupboard. This time, though, AnnaLynne appears to have stolen an idea from her on-screen BFF:

Continue reading 9Fug21Fug.

August 22, 2008

Katharine McPhug

Fug file:

And now, let's wind down the week with a nice, soothing, ill-fitting, stumpifying scrolldown fug.

Brought to you by Phil's Shotgun-Wedding Warehouse, where every dress sags at the abdomen. You know, just in case.

August 22, 2008

Fug-or-Fab The Cover: Michael Phelps

Fug file:

All righty, you asked for it -- and I do mean that; we got a boatload of e-mails begging us to address this -- and because it's almost the weekend, I'm going to give the people what they want.

Apparently this pose is an homage to a similar cover Mark Spitz posed for after he won his seven gold medals. But I haven't seen that cover**, so I can only judge whether I think this one works. And, bless Phelpsie's proficient soul, I don't believe it does. For starters, all that red is making my head hurt; plus, with the medals laid out that way, whenever it catches my eye I think he's wearing a halter top.

Let's not ignore the gold-adorned elephant in the room, though: It's not... the best photo of Michael Phelps. And I generally dig the endearingly goofy thing in guys, but he's exponentially goofier-looking here -- and, in fact, in that shaggy-haired Olympic headshot NBC kept using -- than when you see him in motion. Which is probably as it should be; the kid's job is to train, eat, swim, win, not be a pin-up-quality dreamboat. I personally think he's perfectly cute and he just seems sort of uncomfortable in this shot, but it also doesn't even do justice to his remarkable physique. Which ought to be like shooting fish in a barrel, especially since Sports Illustrated is known for its top-notch photography -- you'd think they could've massaged something slightly better out of this idea. I mean, hey, every year they put out a thick, loving tribute to boobs and asses in bikinis; if they'd just devote that much TLC to Phelps, I think SI's female readers (and yes, we are out there) would be hiding this cover in our office drawers so that we could look at it on a rough day and be reminded of all that is good in the world. Sigh. Maybe ESPN's magazine will do it better.

** Aha, here's the Spitz cover. I think it's better -- helped by the thin medal chains. Although he does look a tiny bit like he wants to eat my face, but all that muscle oil is working for him. I guess it's only fair that Spitz should come out ahead here in SOME way.

poll by twiigs.com

August 22, 2008

Fugcock

Fug file:

Oh, these two crazy kids. I'm sure this is actually just another run-of-the-mill promotional appearance, in which Will Smith talks about being good-looking and having lots of sex with Jada, and Charlize Theron laughs riotously along with him as if she's never ONCE wondered whether any those closeted-dudes-and-the-beards-who-cloak-them Blind Items apply to the Smiths.

But it sure looks like maybe they're doing an infomercial together for an amazing new flesh-toned bandage that lets you strap shoes to your feet that are actually at least a half-size too large. And that while Charlize appears to be enjoying their on-air camaraderie, she secretly loathes him, and is undermining him to the audience by deliberately using her microphone in a series of lewd or lurid gestures. This one says simply, "Ha ha ha, yeah, laugh it up, wanker, I'm going to put paint thinner in your cornflakes. Also, my feet f'ing HURT."

August 22, 2008

Fug or Fab: Rihanna

Fug file:

bad shoes

I have to hand it to Rihanna:

I hate those Balenciaga shoes, but they are -- as Posh would say -- MAJOR. And wearing them out and about on a regular weekday shopping trip with her boyfriend, in Los Angeles, where everyone wears jeans and flip-flops all the time? That takes some balls. And no matter what I think of your clothes, I always have to give it up for balls. Er, so to speak. Mom, I promise I didn't mean that in some kind of dirty, double entendre way. Also: they're last season, so I feel like she must really just love them, and she's not just wearing them -- AGAIN -- so everyone knows she's got them. But I'm interested in your take on this, darling reader. Have at it:

poll by twiigs.com

August 22, 2008

Fugmaged

Fug file:

Dear Aubrey O'Day,

I take back everything I've ever said about you. I love you. I love you deeply. And for this:

A boa as a shirt, worn with leggings and possibly the ugliest boots ever crafted by the hand of man or beast? Yes. YES. In the dim, dark, dank days of August, when all the real celebrities are locked inside writing fanfic about having Michael Phelps as a swim teacher with sexy results, or sitting on their yacht in Portofino or whatever drinking a Bellini and laughing about those of us who are stuck at work, you, Aubrey, come through for me. You don't leave the house in a tasteful A-line shift with killer heels or a classy shirt-dress or an interesting toga or cute jeans and a beautifully complicated top. No. You think to yourself, "You know what? Those fashion and gossip bloggers are all at home in their caftans right now, crying into their Diet Cokes about how no one is leaving the house, and dreaming of those days in February when everyone and her mother is trotting around in some bullshit get-up pretending she's in the running for an Oscar. And so I am going to go out there and give those bloggers something to write about! Something just awful! And I am going to do it in boots I bought out of the trunk of some guy's car! Yes! YES!"

And for that, Aubrey, the Bellinis are on me.

Much love,

Jessica

August 21, 2008

NYFug.com: Fug Girls Q&A and Something About Aniston

Admit it: It's a LITTLE suspicious that Jennifer Aniston's two most serious post-Pitt relationships, complete with her refusals to acknowledge the affairs for JUST long enough to ignite a paparazzi frenzy, have coincided with the much-hyped Jolie-Pitt spawnings. Not that we don't want to believe in wuv, TWUE wuv, but it's all a bit too convenient. And a bit too sad:

Aniston used to be America's most-loved comic actress. Now, thanks to her counteracting all that Brangelina PR with obviously labored stories -- full of suggestive pictures and coy denials -- about her own love life, we're barely able to name a single thing she's has done lately that doesn't involve hanging around with a bunch of notorious man-children.

Not that we don't have any sympathy for Jen, nor do we think the girl shouldn't go out and tap some ass, but... well, read the rest for yourselves, if you choose.

But the REAL reason we think you should head over there: As we look ahead to Fashion Week, we're accepting reader questions about our experiences at that event (or about anything else) that we'll answer in next week's column. You can leave your question as a comment on that entry, or submit queries by email to our editor, Jessica Coen, at jessica (dot) coen (at) nymag (dot) com. She's in charge of picking the ones she wants us to answer, so if you're hell-bent on asking, "How can I come to your house and shave your head while you sleep?" then you may be disappointed unless she happens to have been wondering the same thing.

Otherwise, fire away, and we'll field as many as we can. Go forth and type.

August 21, 2008

I Kissed A Fug

Fug file:

I don't even know any more.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

The face of the woman in that revolving door pretty much says it all. Put yourself in Katy Perry's shoes: You wake up, you know you have some sort of public appearance today, so you go stand in front of your closet and try and figure out what would look best on you. Then, you VOLUNTARILY pull out a pair of purple acid-wash jeans -- which you had to expend considerable effort even to LOCATE, including phoning every Goodwill store within a ten-mile radius -- and slowly step into them.

I've already lost most of you, right? You're already like, "Forget it -- I am not high." And I haven't even GOTTEN to the part where you strap on tight Velcro high-tops, a starry tank top, and a sweatshirt that is an incomplete tribute to Hershey's Miniatures. Which no human being should ever do, because in addition to looking like a screen shot from a really old Sesame Street segment brought to you by the letters L, S, and D, it ALSO violates the sanctity of that bag of candy by totally forgetting the Krackel. Seriously, Katy, WHITHER THE KRACKEL? Do not dis the Krackel.

So... I give up on Katy. I'm forced to conclude that she just wants her picture taken -- just like all the other boring starlets and singers in this business. All that effort to try and stand out -- to be quirky for the sake of quirky -- and in the end, she's still just like the rest of them.

August 21, 2008

Fugia Sharapova

Fug file:

They say that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Does that logic also work with things that seem too crazy to be real?

[Photo: Splash News]

I mean... what IS that random sleeve? Perhaps her arm is depressed/shy/neurotic about wearing only slimming colors. Maybe Maria is trying to find daily fashion applications for that kinesio tape Kerri Walsh used in the Olympics. Or possibly, the sleeve is protecting her from a stalker who is a dismemberment fetishist, and who hopes to freeze off her left arm with his wind cannon and take it home and hang it on his wall.

Because I feel like there has to be some reason behind Sleeve. Yes, Sleeve; it's a proper noun now. It is its own creature, with feelings. Sleeve enjoys waving at Andy Roddick, churning butter, burning witches, and long walks on the beach with men who aren't afraid to cry. And it would probably prefer not to be upstaged by ankle-wrap shoes, so Maria should expect some kind of crafty revenge play from Sleeve, which is almost guaranteed to have something crazy up itself.

August 21, 2008

Well Played: Lindsay Lohan/Fugly Betty

Fug file:

Far be it from me to judge (hee), but am I crazy, or does LiLo here look pretty good out on a casual stroll with her lady?

[Photo: Splash News]

Red hair, skin that doesn't resemble a Florida orange, a bit of appropriately placed body fat, good boobs, refreshingly normal regular person jeans, cute top. BLESS. Samantha looks a bit like she tripped and fell into a Salvation Army in 1987, but what else is new? It's certainly an improvement from what happened the day before:

Continue reading Well Played: Lindsay Lohan/Fugly Betty.

August 21, 2008

Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson

Fug file:

Oh, yeah. This is a great plan. Deeply unbuttoned blouse. Dim expression. Hay bales. No-name brew. Jessica Simpson's gone and turned herself into the poor man's version of the Coors twins. Until now, I did not even know that was a possibility. By the way, did you know there's an actual "music" "video" based on the "AND TWINS!" Coors ads? I found it in the course of writing this fug. And if you've been looking for something to finally push you to take that last step and throw yourself into the path of a speeding bus, I suggest you watch it. It is not particularly safe for work. Also, it contains the Coors twins RAPPING. Ergo, it's also not safe for life. And yet I need someone else to watch it so that I am not the only person who's lived through it. So I can have someone to hold me at night and truly know from whence my night terrors have come. I would even take Jessica Simpson as my comforter, should it come to that. At least then I would be able to tell her SHUT HER MOUTH IN PHOTOS FOR ONCE. GOD.

August 20, 2008

Fugging Up With the Kardashians: Part God Knows How Many

Fug file:

I am very, very proud to note that I have only watched like 5 minutes of any show featuring a Kardashian (Brody Jenner doesn't count) and, ergo, have nothing to say about this particular Kardashian (I believe her name is Kourtney, and I'd like to have a word with her later about that spelling):

Oh, wait. It turns out that I do have something to say about her: NO ONE SHOULD WEAR THIS EVER AGAIN. It does mean, cruel, unfair things to your figure. Are those pleats? Don't do that. Also: a thin belly chain is rarely a good idea, unless you are in fact a belly dancer. In short: just don't. Ever. Period. Thank you.

[Photos: WENN]

Okay, fine: the shoes are cute. Will you please go home and change now?

August 20, 2008

Fug You Think I'm Sexy

Fug file:

I canceled my Cosmo subscription a long time ago, once I realized that there is a finite number of sex tips in the universe. But I have learned many, many things thanks to my many, many, many, many years of reading women's magazines: (a) apparently, if you fail to exfoliate before you apply fake tanner the results will be so terrible that you will probably need to take your own life (b) there are a surprising amount of hidden calories in nearly everything you've ever eaten and (c) seriously, if you're dating someone who used to date a celebrity with a very specific and recognizable style, DO NOT START DRESSING JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON (also, you're just asking your boyfriend to accidentally call you "Sienna" in bed, which: awkward):

[Photo: WENN]

Do we need to take up a collection to send some back-issues to Kimberly Stewart?

August 20, 2008

Fugsten Dunst

Kirsten Dunst has been lying rather low lately -- pretty much since she emerged from rehab, so it's probably a good thing -- and now it's clear why.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

She's been far too busy getting her house-painting business off the ground.

August 20, 2008

Fugly and Sweet

Fug file:

So, Madonna and I share a birthday, and the similarities between us are astounding. For instance, we both have blue eyes and fair skin. We both like England. We are both lapsed Catholics. We both wear shoes. See? It's like we're twins.

But there is one key difference:

[Photo: Splash News]

And that difference is, when I hit the town wearing MY sheer shirt over my favorite black leotard and thigh-highs, I prefer not to look like I have just vomited the contents of my jewelry box down my front. Of course, I also never dress up as Jesus when I'm performing and I've never made out with Britney Spears, so maybe I'm just not living up to my full potential.

August 19, 2008

Fug the Cover: Debra Messing

Fug file:

Town and Country magazine

Hee. Don't get me wrong. DebMess looks amazing here. But I find it hard to believe that Town and Country didn't have a workable shot in which she didn't look like she just got poked with a cattle prod. She just looks so....startled. Aren't all T&C cover girls supposed to look like they just rolled out of their Daughters of the American Revolution meeting and are now en route to eat tiny sandwiches and complain about the help? Although, in fairness, I once had a job at a very traditional and fancy company that we'll call The Button Factory. The Button Factory had no internet access, paid me very little but expected me to dress as though my parents had given me a huge clothing allowance (they had given me, in fact, no allowance at all, as I was a grown woman), did not allow me to wear pants, and had nearly nothing of interest for me to do most days. The Button Factory did, however, have a subscription to Town and Country, and I spent many, many days pretending to work but actually reading it because OH MY GOD I WAS SO BORED. So: thanks for that. Don't poke me with that prod for this.

August 19, 2008

Phoebe Price TerrorWatch: Part I

Fug file:

purple,
stupid hats

Let me refrain from beating around the bush: P-Squared is starting to look like she spends her evening drinking the blood of virgins, and not in that "she must have made a deal with the devil, she looks so beautiful kind of way." More like, "if a zombie and a vampire had a baby, 45 years later, this is what she would look like:"

Photo: Splash News]

PHOEBE. GIRL. LESS IS MORE.

August 19, 2008

The House Fuggy

Fug file:

[Photo: Splash News]

ANNA FARIS: Hi Katharine! Congratulations! How exciting.

KATHARINE MCPHEE: Thanks! But, what for?

ANNA: The baby!

KATHARINE: Oh, I'm not pregnant. Those pictures going around are from a movie set. It's fake.

ANNA: What pictures? I'm talking about your shirt. Why the hell would you wear that shirt if you're not actually pregnant?

KATHARINE: I don't know. It's summer. Rumer, what do you think?

ANNA: Who is Rumer?

KATHARINE: The girl standing next to you. She was in the movie with us. Rumer Wil--

ANNA: I don't know what you mean. There is no one standing next to me.

KATHARINE: But...

ANNA: NO ONE. Anyway. Maybe if you stood up straight, it would help. Are you SURE you're not pregnant?

KATHARINE: Yep. See? Check me out later:

Continue reading The House Fuggy.

August 19, 2008

ALMA Awards Fug: Eva Longoria-Parker

Fug file:

So, after it turned out that Eva Longoria had to cut her hair for her role on Desperate Housewives, I figured sooner or later we'd see her doing something a bit more stylish with it.

In fact, I rather like it now. And this dress isn't bad, either -- I think that's actually a necklace laying over it, which in a weird way kind of works, especially because it's way less Fun Ship Cruise than most of what Eva wears. Seriously, if she worked at Friday's, she'd totally be that girl who not only managed to fit a thousand pieces of flair onto her uniform, but has a completely different batch for every weekday.

At the ALMA Awards, though, things went downhill from here. Jessica and I were just talking about how stupid this tradition is of having your awards-show host swap clothes every two seconds. The first big one I remember is when Sarah Jessica Parker hosted the MTV Movie Awards in 2000 and they made a huge deal out of the fact she wore 15 different things, and now, it's just not a party if there aren't double-digit costume changes. And since Eva L-P not only hosted the ALMA Awards but also served as the executive producer, you'd think she'd at least procure herself a rack of AWESOME clothes to change into -- but you'd be wrong.

Continue reading ALMA Awards Fug: Eva Longoria-Parker.

August 19, 2008

90210: The New Fug

Fug file:

Can we talk about the ads for the new 90210? They are ALL OVER Los Angeles right now and my blood boils every single time I see them. Let's take a closer look:

From left to right:

Dude at the Bottom of the 0: Do you have a porn 'stache, or is that just an unfortunate shadow? Because, frankly, I can't decide if hipster facial hair would be a terrible, terrible hair and make-up choice here, or if having a high school student/TV heartthrob with a big ol' mustache is funny enough that it's worth it.

Dude Holding AnnaLynne McCord: Are you supposed to seem smarmy? I'm okay with that. I mean, Chuck Bass is smarmy and I love him deeply, truly and without reservation (other than about the fact that he's fictional. Also, kind of a psychopath/turtleneck enthusiast). But I suspect that you, sir, are no Chuck Bass. On the other hand, you appear to have good arms. Carry on.

AnnaLynne McCord: Tyra would be so proud of you for doing what she once deemed "the booty tooch." As are, I'm sure, the horny old exes at The WB. Er, The CW. Wow, I just fell over and landed in 1998 for a second there, didn't I?

HEADBAND: This is where the rage begins. What kind of dumbass girl wears a hipster scarf headband that MATCHES HER BATHING SUIT into the pool? A girl whose face seems to long to make the acquaintance of my fist, that's who.

That Kid Who Was in The Wire: My anger subsides. Tristan Wilds is too cute to be rage-adjacent.

The Other Girl: How long do you think it'll take before this poor kid is shipped back to Degrassi so The CW can afford to pay Shannen Doherty's on-set acupuncturist? At least she can take comfort in her good hair.

And it's not like the ad think-tank at The CW doesn't know what to do with a provocative television show of hot teens who occasionally find themselves in a swimming pool:

Continue reading 90210: The New Fug.

August 18, 2008

ALMA Awards Fug Carpet: Christina deRosa

Fug file:

bad shoes,
WTF

We have featured Christina deRosa before, and I couldn't figure out who she was then, much less why she'd be invited to the ALMA Awards now. Apparently she's been in Playboy? I feel like that can't be it. Maybe it was because the event organizers were like, "let's see. We really need someone who will show up looking like Princess Leia if Han Solo broke up with her and her friends dragged her out to meet someone new and forced her to wear the hooker shoes that came with her gold bikini but she previously deemed 'too much.'"

Bingo!

August 18, 2008

Big Fug

Fug file:

When I first saw this picture in thumbnail form, I thought the wee hem of her shorty shorts was actually the band at the bottom of an extremely short blousey dress and I was about to reiterate our "kids today! wearing shirts for dresses! listening to that loud rock music!" stance.

We're in a pretty pickle when a pair of ratty short shorts provides such marked relief. But smile, Daveigh Chase! You are not going to flash anyone your undies! At least, not by accident. There's no need to look so grim!

August 18, 2008

Fug or Fab: Katherine Heigl

Fug file:

Last week, after we'd had that pretty fierce run at Katie Holmes and her pants, someone e-mailed me to suggest that I was picking on her for no reason because I don't like her -- to which I responded truthfully that, no, I was picking on her because she'd clearly had a mental break while standing in the middle of Tom's walk-in closet, and that I actually am kind of rooting for her to keep it together and speak for herself and kill it on Broadway.

However, I do have bias problems with Katherine Heigl. Like Jessica with Sarah Paulson and Studio 60, I can't separate Katherine Heigl from... well, the version of herself that is Katherine Heigl, The Actress, Who Comes Off Like A Spoiled, Conceited Brat In All Her Interviews. Ergo, I admit freely that I am totally unable to view this outfit objectively.

[Photo: Splash News]

I feel like, in THEORY, it's probably fine? I don't know. It's a little bit like something I expect Pam Anderson to wear -- you know, tiny sandals, skintight skirt, and cheap-looking shiny satin top that juices the grapefruits as much as possible. And while empirically I can admit that it shows off Heigl's figure just fine, the rest of me -- the part that wants her to exile herself to a shed in Siberia for three months so that we can have a break -- can't help thinking rather savagely that Katherine looks kind of desperate and obvious. And overtanned. Also, I really hate her hair in that style, that length, and that overprocessed color, and I hope the Grey's Anatomy writers reward her "outspokenness" not by killing her off (and thereby giving her what she wants), but forcing her to appear in every single scene with only pointless lines, like, "Here is your ten blade," or, "Hey, has anyone seen George?" or, "OK, Meredith, so I'm working on this really interesting patient, and... oh, never mind, I'm going to go take a nap."

Wow. Cranky! But, the point is, I am totally biased here, and that is why I need you people to provide a dose of perspective.

poll by twiigs.com

August 18, 2008

ALMA Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul

Fug file:

When American Idol isn't on the air, I kind of miss Paula Abdul's nonsensical natterings about how whichever poor slob is up to bat really made the song her own and truly spoke to the soul of the unicorns who live in her swimming pool and is a sparkling jewel in the firmament of paradise but was a little off-key. I also miss her tendency to show up wearing, like, a choker as a bra and a pair of jeans on her head. Which is why this pleases me:

Remember this look, ladies, because you're going to see it again come fall. Or, technically, come January 1st, because I am pretty sure it's the prototype for one of the Rose Parade's floats this year.

August 18, 2008

You Know You Fug Me

Fug file:

I'm willing to bet Taylor Momsen spent most of the night with her fingers wrapped around the hem of this "dress," tugging it south.

[Photo: Splash News]

She's only 15; her crotch should NOT be a spectator sport. And yet here we are, under serious threat of being flashed because of an ill-designed shiny silver bag with loose straps stapled to it. It's bad form when you're a character on a hot teen soap that's always in the spotlight for its fashion, yet you're stepping out in something that's ripped straight from that terrible Project Runway challenge where the models bought the fabric and none of them picked out enough, resulting in a lot of very fancy napkins. Maybe this is promoting a plot point of the season in which Taylor's character, the horribly annoying aspiring designer Jenny Humphrey, has decided to use her internship with Blair's mother to come out with her own line of glamorous gynecological smocks. Good luck with that, Little J.

August 15, 2008

Random Fug

Fug file:

You know, I was just thinking earlier that it seems like no one ever goes out in teeny tiny feathered showgirl outfits anymore. But behold:

THANK YOU, Annabelle Gutman! I loved you as "Sweet Girl" on CSI, and who could forget your stint as "Waitress" on Desperate Housewives? But my favorite of your roles is obviously the seminal "Actress" on V.I.P. I am assuming that, like RDJ's 'stache, this is for a role? You're playing...a bird? On Las Vegas? Or "satisfied waxing client" on the new show Sunset Waxing (which I just invented)? Or "Hungry Client" on my personal favorite show, Sandwiches Are So Delicious? Whichever, I can't wait to treasure it like your other roles!

August 15, 2008

Fugged Over Lady

Fug file:

It is no secret that ANTM's delicious Jade is one of our favorite reality show contestants. Anyone who spontaneously erupted into spoken-word poetry accompanied with snapping fingers as she exited the show is a treasure to be cherished. As is this particular ensemble:

A spangled bra top, perhaps nicked from a belly-dancing costume, worn as casually with jeans as a tank top? I feel a haiku coming on:

Amuse me, Jade Cole
Bra top with jeans? Whatever
You want. Please snap now.

August 15, 2008

Fug or Fab: Blair Waldorf

Fug file:

Gossip Girl,
green

It's been a while since we checked in with those rapacious young scamps on the Gossip Girl set, and since it feels like everyone in Hollywood is still in bed sleeping off four consecutive nights of really late gymnastics competitions, let's take a squizz at Queen B.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

That is a gorgeous shade of green. I might love the dress if it were sleeveless, or cap-sleeved, but those beaded, belled crazies are leaving me undecided. On the one hand, they're campy majesties; on the other, they're just Dynasty enough that I feel like she resembles less an Upper East Side social butterfly than the most powerful mother in the Emerald City PTA.

poll by twiigs.com

August 15, 2008

NYFug.com: Which Olympians Could Be Anna Wintour's New Arm Candy?

Let's face it. We've all been home all week, holed up in front of the television until some ungodly hour, watching the Olympics. And why? Well, there's the whole majesty of sport, tradition of excellence and camaraderie of the games. And then there's the whole part about how every single one of those athletes can do totally awesome crazy mind-blowing stuff with their bodies. And then, of course, there are their bodies. Come on, we're not the only ones who find ourselves transfixed by the magic of Olympian abs. In fact, we'd bet money that even editrix supreme Anna Wintour has found herself on the sofa saying, "I'd like one of those, one of those, and one of those," and she's not talking about their shoes. This week, we use our NYMag.com column to speculate which Olympian Ms Anna might handpick to be her newest piece of arm candy:

"Ryan Lochte, swimming: Thanks to NBC's daytime Olympics coverage, we recently learned that the U.S. swim team's second-hottest medalist does not shy away from excessive bling, including a faux grill he sports for laughs. Imagine the good times he and Anna could have in Vogue's accessories closet."

So race on over to read the whole column, if you so desire, and feel free to dive into the comments (see what we did there? With "racing" and "diving"....oh, shut up. I was up until 2 a.m. watching gymnastics).

August 15, 2008

Random Fug: Alice Dellal

Fug file:

Google tells me this sometimes-model is mainly a "punk rock party girl." I would say that's apt:

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

This is one of those photos that I would put in a 2008 time capsule, so that in 30 years people will go, "Ripped nylons as pants? Are you f'ing KIDDING ME?" And I'll be like, "I KNOW, it didn't make any sense THEN, EITHER, and yet it HAPPENED." Too bad Alice didn't leave it back in 2005, which is where the Olsens buried this trend; it's doubly weird because the top half of her looks like she popped in for a day of home-building do-gooding on, like, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and then shacked up with Ty Pennington and crawled off in his coat.

But here is my real question: If a tree falls in the forest, and you're not around to see it because you're too busy finding a pair of shorts that will be completely obscured by your pastel plaid shirt, do they still count as shorts?

August 14, 2008

Fug Girls Don't Cry

Fug file:

accessories to the crime

It just goes to show how much more I like Fergie now than I used to.

[Photo: Splash News]

Back in the day, I'm sure I would have looked at this and snorted, "NICE OVER-ACCESSORIZING, ASSFACE. IT'S AUGUST." And now I'm just more like, "aw! She's going out to spy on someone! I wonder if she has a big newspaper with a hole cut out of it in her bag, or if she's just planning to hide behind a giant potted plant! Say hi to Josh for me, girl!"

August 14, 2008

Iron Fug

Fug file:

Okay, I've been ignoring this, in the hope that I would wake up and find out it was all a dream -- that the men's gymnastics all-around wasn't crazy sloppy, that my TiVo didn't forget to record Big Brother, and that Robert Downey, Jr., looks the same as he ever did. But alas, it's time to wake up and smell the mustache wax.

[Photo: Splash News]

Oh, you can try to smile, Robert, and you can try to charm your way back into my heart. And you will probably succeed, because let's face it, you are awesome. The entire reason I took to the whole Denny Duquette character on Grey's Anatomy, at least initially, is because Jeffrey Dean Morgan kind of resembles you, and if you two were to play brothers in something soon, the resulting fiery conflagration would be due to America's collective loins burning with approval.

No no, Robert, do not look so pleased with yourself. Because there is the matter of that thing on your lip. It's true that I tend to be predisposed against mustaches. I'm an anti-stacheite. There are exceptions -- Tom Selleck is an icon, and although I do not find this man attractive, Victor Newman on Y&R would be NOTHING to me if other characters could not refer to him derisively as The Mustache behind his back -- but for the most part I am always going to question the need for a lip sweater. And you, sir? You don't need one.

[Photo: Splash News]

Hang on, don't interrupt me -- let me finish. I realize the mustache might be for a role, or something. But unless you are playing a porn star, starring in The Young and the German: The Victor Newman Story, or WAY ahead in planning your very detailed Magnum P.I. Halloween costume, there are very few roles that would be worth it. It's like when Lindsay Lohan dyed all the awesome red out of her hair, never to be the same again; she did it for a very small role in Prairie Home Companion for which I think they could've found a work-around, but no, and now she's blonde and a tired-looking echo of her gross mother and it makes me sad.

So please, reconsider. Because I can't bear to see you like this any more:

Continue reading Iron Fug.

August 14, 2008

Fug the Cover: Carrie Underwood

Fug file:

It's not that Carrie Underwood really looks bad here. It's just that she doesn't look like Carrie Underwood. At all. Every time I love at this cover, I think she's someone else: Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, some random girl I've never heard of, a very very Photoshopped Madonna. And pourquoi? Carrie Underwood is a babe. And she looks like a babe here. But a babe we've never met. Why even get a celebrity for your cover if you're going to make sure she doesn't even look like herself?

poll by twiigs.com

August 14, 2008

Well Played, Tyra Banks

Fug file:

ANTM,
polls

It shocks me to say this about anyone with crimped hair, but... I think Tyra Banks looks pretty great here, actually:

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

I mean, this is a woman who usually looks like she plucked her gown off a window in Versailles, or as if she is actually an aristocrat Marie Antoinette's court who is about a week away from a sweaty revolutionary giving her the chop for her excesses. She is also prone to coifs that look like an homage to a fruit bowl. And that's just scratching the surface. Tyra Banks is nothing if not a comparative science, and I have to say, this simpler dress with all the bracelets is refreshingly chic and sleek after all that hoo-ha. Sure, the material lays a little lumpy in places, but... seriously, whenever I have second thoughts about whether this dress is worth a pat on the back, I click back on that link to what she wore to the Daytime Emmys and it's an affirmation. Yes, I cherish Tyra for all her overwrought excesses -- hers is in my top five of Wig Closets And Wardrobes I Must Visit Before I Die -- but sometimes it's nice to see a reminder that there's a lovely woman underneath all that hair and slap and pounds of fabric.

poll by twiigs.com

August 13, 2008

Fug The Cover: Anne Hathaway

Fug file:

Glamour,
polls

It's unfortunate for this edition of Glamour that the cover photo was taken before Anne's breakup makeover, to the point where I keep checking and re-checking the date on the masthead just to make sure this isn't accidentally from last year. But fortunately, I quickly get distracted by the cover lines. I love seeing which concepts transcend language -- for instance, apparently the very idea of "big fashion" is universally understood, as it appears in English on this Glamour cover twice:

The rest, I just enjoy interpreting in my own way. "Ik ben echt een ongelooflijke nerd" is fairly easy, thanks to the universal power of the word "nerd," indicating this is yet another rehashed article where Anne blathers on about being super dorky even though she is a huge movie star. I hope the enthusiastically promoted "folklore" trend means that The Netherlands is about to enjoy a renaissance of Brothers Grimm-themed clothes. I've decided "Miriams Man Bleek Gay" is a review of The Netherlands' Next Top Model. And I don't care what "flirteen heet smirten" really means; in my head, that's how the photographer tried to direct Anne Hathaway at this cover shoot, which explains why she looks both like she's trying to seduce you, and as if she is privately, smugly smirking at you because you have a giant piece of spinach in your teeth and she would rather enjoy your unknowing shame than alert you to it.

The worst part about this cover is how it's NOT overtly crazy and terrible. At least if they were aiming at something super wacky and fell short into fuggery, it would be amusing and maybe interesting. But this is just boring and unflattering -- the Joker smile, the bad angle on her nose -- and mostly reminds me of an Olan Mills portrait she's taking to use as her high-school yearbook's senior picture. About the only thing I DO enjoy about this cover is that it proves Tyra Banks is crazy when she yammers on about how actresses on magazine covers never show any neck. CLEARLY, we can see Anne's; therefore, Tyra is going to have to come up with something new to demonstrate at judging panel this season. Perhaps something that involves the subtleties of how to model makeup and talk with your eyes when you have a bag over your head.

poll by twiigs.com

August 13, 2008

Do You Think I'm Fugly?

Fug file:

I wonder why Kim Stewart looks so alarmed here. It could be any number of reasons.

[Photo: BauerGriffiinOnline.com]

(A) She's just realized that she's dating yet another of Sienna Miller's cast-offs, and therefore wonders if this means she's next in line to find herself crying at the gas station when she realizes that -- wow! Who knew? -- taking up with a less than entirely single man who also happens to be an actor and the heir to a famous and ginormous fortune is probably going to garner some unfavorable attention from the general public, especially when said relationship has been punctuated with topless canoodling in a stupid hat. Clearly, Kimberly hopes not. Hell, no one wants to follow in these particular Sienna Miller footsteps.

(B) She's just realized that she actually left the house wearing a sequined Cosby-esque sweatervestdress, but failed to bring along the requisite Pudding Pops.

(C) Both.

August 13, 2008

Fugscha Barton

Here's my question: is Mischa Barton a cat burglar now?

[Photo: Splash News]

Because she's certainly dressing like one.

August 13, 2008

Fugsie

Fug file:

feathers,
leggings

Blech. It's a gray morning where I am, to the point where it's hard to get up the motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch and watch other people heroically exert themselves in Beijing. And indeed, I think that's all anyone else is doing, which accounts for why 90 percent of what's out there are pictures of the Gossip Girl cast in school uniforms, Sophia Bush at the airport, and Jennifer Garner running out to the supermarket again. Probably to stock up on Doritos so she can stress-eat during the women's all-around gymnastics.

And then, there's Cassie:

[Photo: Splash News]

Coincidentally, this is exactly what I wear every night for the live Olympics broadcasts. Nothing says "U.S.A! U.S.A.! OH MY GOD HALF THE CHINESE TEAM IS TOTALLY LYING ABOUT BEING SIXTEEN -- IF THAT KID IS NOT SECRETLY TWELVE I WILL EAT MY PANTS. COME ON KIDS, DON'T FALL! Awwwww, crap" like leggings and a shirt made of muppet.

August 12, 2008

Fugpic Thunder

Fug file:

bad hair,
blue

Well, that's it. I'm officially getting tired of Katie Holmes. And what's more, I think she agrees.

It's like she can't even quite believe what she's seeing. This face totally says, "The hell? What is up? Why did I let Tom drink twenty Red Bulls before midnight? Why did I leave him alone with the sewing machine, our drapes, those cheap-ass-looking bandages that MIGHT be the things he wraps around his tennis racket handle to give himself a better grip? And WHY did I then agree to WEAR the dress he made while he was hopped up on that hyper juice? How did this get to be my life?

"And who am I kidding with this hair?

Continue reading Fugpic Thunder.

August 12, 2008

Come Fug Over

Fug file:

crotchtacular

Rule of thumb, ladies:

[Photo: Splash News]

If your shorts are so short, and your bag is so large, that you appear to be scampering around town pants-less, then one or the other of them has to go. It's just good manners.

August 12, 2008

Fug or Fab: Amy Adams

Fug file:

bridal

I feel like Amy Adams has this tendency to occasionally dress up like she's a very expensive gift that's been wrapped by one of those professional giftwrappers who are always trying to stick silk flowers and raffia and pussywillows and whatnot onto your presents. This is no exception:

Sorry, she didn't feel up to giving us the full frontal view - here's hoping AA isn't morphing into Elizabeth Berkeley and will now only allow us to view her from one pre-determined side. And my goodness, isn't she pleased with herself? As for me, I don't know. Certainly, she is pretty, and I am sure the dress itself is lovely, albeit surely too much for a premiere of a movie like Tropic Thunder, which she isn't even in. And yet something about it feels rather Fussy Mumsy Plays Ava Gardner to me. But what do you think?

poll by twiigs.com

August 12, 2008

Jena Fuglone

Fug file:

My horoscope today indicates that I'm going to be indecisive about things, and it's already coming true.

I can't decide if Jena Malone is the second coming of Lori Petty, or auditioning for a Sinead O'Connor biopic.

August 12, 2008

What We Fug Is Secret

Fug file:

BIJOU PHILLIPS: Oh, Shane. Oh dear.

SHANE WEST: What? Why? What are you saying? Why are you dressed like Evil Spider Man's yodeling milkmaid girlfriend?

BIJOU: Have you been sniffling glue and chopping wood again?

SHANE: Huh? Where? What have you heard? What's going on?

BIJOU: Relax, dude. Go take a shower and clean yourself up a little.

SHANE: What do you mean? No, I absolutely was NOT out digging graves until 6 a.m. Why do you ask? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW.

BIJOU: I know that Scientology would love to help you with a lot of these problems. Come to a luncheon.

SHANE: Shhh. Quiet. I don't want to scare you, but I THINK BIJOU PHILLIPS IS FOLLOWING ME.

BIJOU: There, there. Tom Cruise will fix everything.

August 11, 2008

I Blame Fugcer

Fug file:

The Hills

Over the weekend I had a dream about Spencer Pratt. He owned a rat named Spencer II, and he put it in my hair. And I could feel it clawing down my scalp and down the back of my neck and into my dress and then I woke up and I was all scrunched up and shuddering because it was so gross. And then I laughed, because the idea of Spencer Pratt owning a rat and naming it Spencer II is kind of awesome. Way to go, subconscious! Thanks for the good times.

But the thing is, I think Spencer would be happier if he had a little rodent to carry around in his pocket and tell us his troubles to. Look how sad he seems:

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

This is seriously the first time I've ever seen Spencer not giving the paparazzi his shit-eating Guy Smiley grin. Is he depressed? Did he just realize that he and Heidi totally can't afford the 12 million dollar house they're allegedly looking to buy in Malibu? Has he just figured out that if he and Heidi can afford a 12 million dollar house, the rest of us are going to commit mass suicide just so we don't have to live in a world in which Spencer and Heidi have a 12 million dollar house? Did he just finally look down and see that Heidi's wearing the ugliest boots in the world, and it's only August, and therefore he has no idea what fresh boot hell she will be inflicting upon us all when it's actually cold out? Because this might then be the first time Spencer and I are in agreement about something.

August 11, 2008

Fug the Cover: Keira Knightley

Fug file:

bad hair,
Vogue

I think Vogue left something off the cover. In addition to being (allegedly) a Fashion Star, a Pirate Queen, and History's Sexiest Duchess (A-Dubs knows Pirates of the Caribbean was fiction, right? Or is she peering at Johnny Depp over her sunglasses and thinking, "Johnny Depp looks SO MUCH like that charming pirate Keira is often going sailing with. I wonder if they're related?"), it seems KK is also The Worst-Coiffed Vogue Cover Girl In...Ever. Um, what HAPPENED here? Leaving aside the fact that she appears to have what could very well be a fabulous dress...tucked into...two belts? Over which she is wearing maybe pants?...or a skirt? I am perplexed. Okay, let's leave that aside as promised. Leaving that aside, her hair looks like mine did that time I tried to train it to go longer between washes, i.e. greasy, lank, stringy shapeless, possibly a bit smelly and therefore scraped back into some kind of quasi-up-do meant to disguise all of the above. Surely Keira can wash her hair for Vogue. SURELY, they didn't do this on purpose. Surely.

August 11, 2008

Heroes: Fugians

Fug file:

I don't think it's particularly revolutionary of me to note that Heroes totally sucked last season. Everyone was in totally different countries (and TIMES) and every new character brought with it a new, terrible fake accent. But of all the developments that I hated -- and there were many -- I most hated Dania Ramirez, who traveled around with her brother accidentally killing people by crying black tears when she got mad, kind of like the Hulk meets the black-oily-eyed virus on The X-Files. Anyway, it was boring, and she was shrill and I spent the whole time wondering what Jack Coleman was up to and why I wasn't spending any quality time with him anymore. So what I'm saying is that I have no patience for Dania and am not willing to cut her any slack here:

Don't look so coy. We both know you're wearing cuffed, capri, super high-waisted jeans, and by my count, that's at least two trends too many. It's a good things I can't kill people when I cry, because this has got my eyes watering.

August 11, 2008

All My Fugs

Fug file:

Apparently Katie Holmes is not going to rest until she's forced me to confront some seriously impossible fashion quandaries.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

For example, if death were not an option, would I wear her pegged pants, or these high-waisted, wide-legged things with matching belt? I find myself wondering what kind of conditions I can impose, like whether this conundrum is being presented to me in a world without cameras -- and thus, no evidence of my trouser tribulations -- or if I am making this decision with a gun to my temple. Or perhaps I have recently been blinded while ice skating, because I attempted a risky jump while at a cocktail party and fell into a bunch of chairs, almost losing my Olympic dream along with my sight.

There HAS to be SOME extenuating circumstance(s), right? Because I'm not sure I can answer this question without conditions.

poll by twiigs.com

August 11, 2008

Fugber Heard

Fug file:

bad hair

Poor, tragic Hidden Palms.

[Photos: WENN]

You are not Paris Hilton. And you are not Lauren Conrad. So I can't figure out how you came to be vamping it up in Vegas, hosting an event, as if you are some strange test-tube hybrid of both. Do you realize that I might well be the only person who has seen every episode of your terrible Twin Peaks knockoff on The CW? Can you really afford for people to look at you and think, "Oh, look, there goes that girl who wore a cape -- I forget her name but I'm pretty sure she was on some lame reality show or something"? Maybe don't try so hard at this part, is all; give that acting thing more of a go first.

Also, I don't mean to alarm you, but we need to discuss this:

Continue reading Fugber Heard.

August 8, 2008

Your Fugment of Zen

Fug file:

Fugments of Zen

We interrupt our fashion commentary to bring important tidings of GFY mascot Courtney Peldon. It seems that someone hired her for a film role... and is talking about it.

The director of The Road To Hell, an upcoming Streets Of Fire tribute film of some kind, recently gave an interview to Ain't It Cool News in which he apparently trumpeted the performance of our favorite fugger:

** Clare Kramer (Glory from BUFFY) and Courtney Peldon (BOSTON PUBLIC) are in it as well - with performances that'll "shock and delight" their fans.

This is accurate, as I am both shocked and delighted to hear that she is working. Viva La Peldon! Of course, this director also describes his movie as a cross between Moulin Rouge and torture porn -- "A heavily torqued romantic fantasy where dreams still live but they carry very big knives" - so I'm not too optimistic that it will take the box office by storm.

Still, in honor of our girl, and in keeping with the Olympic theme of the next two weeks, we thought we'd encourage you to take a gander at a young Courtney's performance in one segment of the touchy-feely TV movie Little Girls In Pretty Boxes.

Watch as she delivers powerful words of encouragement to a friend in a neck brace! Marvel at how uncomfortable she is by all the scenery-chewing happening around her! Clutch your pearls as she struggles with trying a difficult new vault! Wince as her stunt double whiffs it! Weep along with her at the end as she sobs because it's so hard to fight for your Olympic dream! And wonder, as we did, why she (maybe?) felt like she had to get a nose job after this, because there was nothing wrong with her in the first place! FEEL! DEEPLY!

And have a great weekend.

August 8, 2008

Fug or Fab: Rumer Willis

Fug file:

I'm Scared

Remember that famous old Price Is Right clip of the woman who comes on down in a strapless dress, waves her arms in the air, and wiggles the top right down to her waist so that her boobs pop out and bounce around all over the place? It's on every TV's Most Hilarious Bloopers: Crazy Stuff We Exhume From The Vault Every Time We Can't Think Of Any Programming For This Time Slot specials. And for some reason, that clip comes to mind every time I see this photo of Rumer Willis.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

Pretty color; great shoes. And those are two fairly damning pieces of faint praise, because all I can think of is that when she lifts her arms to hug Dave, her dress is going to drop.

Also, leaving aside the first question about why Rumer Willis is even being invited on Letterman at all (because that leads to awkward questions about when David Letterman will slit his wrists at having to interview some of these Young Hollywood ne'er-do-wells), I want to know why Rumer is so damn SLUMPY. There is potential here, maybe, if she would just stand up straight and try a necklace. Sure, it's thrilling to see Rumer step away from the fedoras, but slouching like she's just spent the past seven days sitting on the couch doing nothing but watch ESPN's tireless coverage of the Brett Favre fiasco is doing nothing for her either.

Although maybe she CAN'T throw back her shoulders, due to the aforementioned risk of an impromptu Showcase Showdown, nudge-nudge-say-no-more. What a conundrum.

I think someone needs to have an intervention with Rumer, and I think that person is Miss J. She would teach this kid how to walk tall and proud and sassy, and possibly choose clothes that don't require her to slouch in order to keep her chest covered.

Or am I being too hard on the kid? I mean, it can't be easy having someone as hot as Demi Moore as your mother. If I were her, I'd be holed up with a bag of Lay's because I would see no point in even trying. At least Rumer isn't doing THAT.

poll by twiigs.com

August 8, 2008

Celebrity Tanorexia Watch: Joey Lawrence

Fug file:

Man Fugs,
tanorexia

Joey Lawrence: oranger than a traffic cone and more waxed than my kitchen floor. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but WHOA.

August 8, 2008

Fug the Cover: Miley Cyrus

Fug file:

Seventeen

It must be really kind of hard to be Miley Cyrus: you pose in a sheet, and people FREAK OUT. You send sort-of-but-not-really provocative camera phone pics to your boyfriend, and people FREAK OUT. You make kind of snide remarks about said boyfriend's new girlfriend and people FREAK OUT. But who is there to freak out when Seventeen magazine Photoshops you until your head appears to be floating over someone else's body -- someone whose elbows have been surgically attached to her dress? I AM. I have commenced FREAKING OUT for you, Miley. You can thank me later.

August 8, 2008

Ashfugti

Fug file:

There are no words.

[Photo: WENN]

It's outfits like this that make me imagine what it felt like to be Ashanti, standing in her dressing room, rummaging around for all the pieces to this outfit. Wondering if she should tuck the top into her plastic high-waisted ruched leggings; wondering if she could DARE wear it out without the purple satin belt; freaking out because she couldn't remember where she put her fist-sized sparkly earrings, and angrily having to substitute something slightly smaller; lovingly applying that extra dollop of eyelash gel so they clumped into spiky ocular claws.

And then, I imagine what it felt like to be Ashanti's assistant, watching all this happen and thinking privately, "I have GOT to stop letting her eat paste."

August 8, 2008

Fug0210

Fug file:

90210

This is an on-set shot of Shenae Grimes, who plays one of the California newcomers in the 90210 spin-off (essentially, the new Brenda Walsh -- in spirit, if not in awesomely huffy, deliciously self-righteous personality).

Shenae's character's name is Annie, which if you look at her feet, should be no surprise:

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

Surely it can't be a coincidence that, from the ankle down, she's dressed as a high-heeled version of the plucky, carrot-topped orphan that is her namesake. I deeply hope she and Lori Loughlin open the show with a kicky rendition of "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here," right before Annie and her brother turn "Tomorrow" into a joyous tribute to Southern California's generally pleasant weather. Sure, you can TRY to bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there will be sun, but no one's going to give you very long odds on that.

August 8, 2008

Better Played, Katie Holmes

Y'all, I think there's been a breakthrough: Check out what Katie Holmes wore to rehearsal today.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

No pegged jeans in sight. VICTORY IN OUR TIME. Sure, it may be temporary, but I'm having a giddy ask-and-ye-shall-receive moment here; we suggested a maxi dress and we got one (not that I think we had anything to do with it, since I doubt Katie is ever given permission to surf the Internet for anything other than rare, out-of-print L. Ron Hubbard books). I'm so relieved that you're free of your outmoded-pants prison, Katie, that I won't even start a pregnancy rumor, I promise. I'm just going to enjoy the fact that we can be friends again. You can come over and we'll paint our fingernails and talk about boys and watch reruns of Dawson's Cree... um, I mean, Felicity. And maybe make you a wig out of pipe cleaners so that you've got that awesome bob back. See you tonight! Bring cash for pizza.

August 8, 2008

The Fugdors

Fug file:

Natalie Dormer was rather good on The Tudors as poor doomed Anne Boleyn, but now she's out and about looking for a new gig (SPOILER: things go a bit pear-shaped for Anne there at the end. Do not get too attached to her, is what I am saying):

I can't wait to see her off-off-off Broadway singing in TARTANIA! The True Story of One Woman's Tartan Mania or appearing in Showtime's new drama Nightgowns I Have Known, which follows the scandalous ups and downs of the women who work in the Lanz of Salzburg outlet. It's going to be ever so entertaining.

August 7, 2008

Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson

Fug file:

W magazine

I can't wait to get this issue in the mail, if only because "Beverly Hills Derms Battle for Supremacy" sounds hilarious, almost like a parody of a W article, and I've been trying to lose a couple of ice-cream-sandwiches- and-hot-dog-induced summertime pounds so that my jeans fit right again and the idea of a $1,000 skin cream is enough to totally put me off my feed! Does that skin cream also wash my dishes and manage my mutual funds? Because otherwise, I imagine that even the richest, most frivolous woman might look at that price tag and think, "screw that. I'm sticking with La Mer and dropping the other $800 on shoes." While, obviously, the rest of us -- not W's target demographic -- would look at that price tag and think, "or I could pay my bills, you assholes." I am dying to see what Glossed Over says about this issue, because I am scared I might not have the intestinal fortitude to actually read it, seeing as just the cover is getting me all worked up. Also working me up: the idea that they've got an interview with Tilda Swinton in here and still decided to put Kate Hudson on the cover in disguise as an 80s robot car-hop, programmed to stab you to death with the straw from your malted. If Tilda Swinton were on the cover styled thusly, we'd all be like, "Oh, TILDA. You are a kooky, artsy delight! Tell me more about your unconventional romances! You please me!" As it is, my reaction is more along the lines of, "Kate Hudson, you poseur. Nice try." Kate Hudson's entire career is built on being the opposite of being edgy and while in general I appreciate taking things in a new direction, this is like the magazine cover equivalent of that time Denise Richards played a nuclear physicist: hilarious, annoying, and a valiant attempt to ask the public to suspend entirely too much disbelief. Baby steps, Kate. Try dark nail polish first. Then maybe one day we'll be able to look at you all tarted up like a programmed killer escaped from an undiscovered Robert Palmer video and not giggle at you.

August 7, 2008

Kelly Fugsimon

Fug file:

Kelly Killoren Bensimon is apparently joining the cast of Bravo's Real Housewives of New York, but really, all I care about in her bio is that she's the ex-wife of World-Renowned Photographer Gilles Bensimon. She also apparently recently said that she loves winter because "the thing about winter is that people really make an effort to be dressed." Indeed.

So in summer, where people apparently do NOT try hard to clothe themselves, we get this:

I cry foul, Kelly. How can this not be construed as making an effort? It must have taken a VERY long time to hunt down a fabric that exactly matches the pattern that flashes before my eyes after I rub them too hard. In fact, had it not been too busy punching my skull from the inside, I'd be convinced the raging headache I had on Tuesday designed this outfit. Maybe if I bang my head on the wall a few hundred times, she'll pay me to create a whole fashion line. After all, I've consumed an alcoholic beverage in an L.A. bar; I'm already practically over-qualified.

August 7, 2008

NYFug.com: Katie Holmes' Downward Spiral

Fug file:

awful pants

Sometimes, a picture is worth 1,000 words.

[Photo: WENN]

Of course, that's never stopped us before, which is why we devoted more than 500 of them to the troubling issue of Katie Holmes' addiction to baggy, saggy pegged jeans. It's difficult to come up with a plausible explanation for this manner of pants abuse, but we came up with a few theories anyway:

1. Katie is too depressed to try. She's not exactly getting the Kidman treatment. Tickets for Katie's Broadway debut reportedly aren't selling out, and aside from the Eli Stone stint, Hollywood has greeted her return to acting with a resounding yawn. Plus, having to flee your own home while Oprah talks to your husband, lest he be tempted to couch-surf again, would tax any girl's spirits. Maybe pegged jeans are the new ratty sweatpants.

I'm sure if we'd known about this cardigan at the time, we'd have included that, too; somewhere in Heaven, Mr. Rogers is like, "Dude, I would NEVER have worn a fuschia sweater with red shoes. Does NO ONE understand?" But, one step at a time.

If you'd like to check out our other four theories, click on through to read the rest of "Katie Holmes' Downward Style Spiral."

August 7, 2008

Imitation of Fug

Fug file:

stupid hats

It should surprise no one that designer Tara Subkoff is a friend of Chloe Sevigny's.

But it surprises ME that Chloe didn't find a way to wear this first. Tuxedo t-shirt meets Guys and Dolls meets the hat from the time Celine Dion wore the backwards suit to the Oscars... hell, throw in a pair of lace-trimmed paisley leggings and you've got what I imagine Chloe throws on any time she needs to dash out to Duane Reade.

August 7, 2008

Fugging the Bar

Fug file:

bad hair,
Man Fugs

So, I'm minding my own business last night, making dinner and drinking a beer while Law and Order is on in the background (is there anything more comforting than Lennie Briscoe, Sam Waterston's eyebrows and the soothing CHUN CHUN of justice?). And every time I float out of the kitchen and toward the TV, TNT is running an ad for their new show Raising the Bar. It's some Steven Bochco legal thing, but I can't tell you exactly what it's about because of THIS:

OMG Zack Morris. WTF is going on with your GD hair? Seriously, is this some kind of Serious Actor Hair? Because it makes me want to tie you to a table and shave your head. And it is apparently worse in action:

Continue reading Fugging the Bar.

August 6, 2008

Fug or Fab: Sarah Paulson

Fug file:

I once suspected that I hated Studio 60 so much that my hatred would splash over onto anyone who was involved with it, like Sarah Paulson here. And then I caught a re-run of Friends, and I still loved Chandler, so I knew I was going to be okay. That my hate was at least in a confined area. Maybe it was even totally in the past! And then I saw this:

I hate it. But it turns out I really have a visceral reaction to her, thanks to how very very much I hated that show, and how particularly terrible I thought she was on it. (Sorry, Sarah: I loved you in Down With Love.) For example, if she was supposed to be this hilarious sketch comedy genius, why wasn't her character funny rather than smug? WHY? WHY WAS THAT SHOW SO BAD?

Deep breath. It really did just enrage me. I guess I can add Studio 60 to the list of Things I Am Not Over Yet, which means I have no idea if my feelings of loathing for this outfit are real, or based in my own tumultuous emotions.

poll by twiigs.com

August 6, 2008

What Fugs In Vegas

Fug file:

dialogue,
Man Fugs

CAMERON DIAZ: I am just going to coyly fan myself. Like a geisha girl. I AM in Japan. It's like a shout-out!

ASHTON KUTCHER: Can you BELIEVE we're still promoting this movie? I don't even remember promoting it in America! Did it even come out?!

DEMI MOORE: Ashton, I told you not to wear that shirt. It's making me nauseated.

CAMERON: No, Ashton, I will not look at you directly. Your shirt gives me vertigo. I told you that earlier. But I look sort of adorable, don't I? I do.

ASHTON: This shirt is AWESOME. I bought it at the pro shop at Morongo Casino! Engelbert Humperdinck is playing there this weekend. I can't believe we're missing it.

DEMI: No, really. I feel sick. I hope I don't vomit on this dress. I look so put together otherwise. Barf will ruin it....Although that would be a good excuse not to sit through this movie again. I am a genius! Vomit it is!

August 6, 2008

Alan Fugging

Fug file:

"Well HELLO. Welcome to the law offices of Nibble, Pocum, and Spank. You pay by the hour; we slap people with more than just juicy lawsuits. Rrowr. Can I interest you in a tasty little personal-injury claim?"

August 6, 2008

Fug of Glass

Fug file:

Lately, I feel like my entire relationship with Deborah Harry involves me telling her that she's better than her wardrobe, and then bastardizing a Blondie lyric: "I thought you weren't the kind of girl who gives up just like that," maybe, or, "One way or another, I'm gonna get ya... INTO SOME REAL PANTS."

This is the fug where I prove we're both at least consistent.

DEBBIE. You are badass enough to be the main event. So why, WHY, are you dressed like the janitor at the Moulin Rouge, who is spending her smoke break wondering what happened to her life that she's stuck cleaning up sticky absinthe puddles and unhooking garters from the chandeliers?

Okay, I guess I'm not consistent. I just can't bring myself to drag her lyrics into this mess. They'd only resent me for it, and then what? Mucho mistrust, that's what. ... Wait, shoot, I think that technically counts. That's just no good, me teasing like I do.

August 6, 2008

The Sisterhood of the Fuggeling Pants

Fug file:

How ironic that the girls who could most use a pair of magical, thought-free, perfect-fitting pants are in fact the stars of a movie about a pair of magical, thought-free, perfect-fitting pants.

First up: Blake Lively, who -- let's get this out in the open right now -- is wearing a romper. And yet, despite my distaste for rompers, I almost let her slip by since she seemed to look so generally (and comparatively) adorable.

Almost.

Are we sure this wasn't a dress that she stapled to her underwear so that she wouldn't flash anyone? I realize that putting metal prongs that close to your promised land is not for the faint of heart, but I'm not sure how else to explain the unsightly bunching. Or, perhaps it's that I don't WANT to understand it, because there is no explanation that doesn't make me wince. I guess the bright side is, she has awesome legs to distract people from the crotch crater; hey, when your romper has cleaved to your inner thigh, there had better be SOME kind of silver lining.

poll by twiigs.com

And then there's Amber Tamblyn. First she betrayed our faith with that jumpsuit, and now she's betraying herself with this:

Continue reading The Sisterhood of the Fuggeling Pants.

August 5, 2008

Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson

Fug file:

If it's not one thing, it's another: ScarJo got over being unable to dress her boobs, and is now struggling with how to decorate them.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

The dress, I like. The loops over her shoulders run the risk of being a bit fussy, but she carries it off in an old-school screen siren way, because it all flatters the hell out of her curves. She even looks tallish, and it's the perfect deployment of red lipstick. Well played, ScarJo. But I can't figure out why she draped the cluster of chains all over it -- there's enough interest along the neckline (which is not just a way of saying, "She's got a great chest," although that is true too) that she didn't need a big heavy chunk of bling. It reminds me of when I pull all my necklaces out of my jewelry bag, and they're all tangled in a nasty knot that's way too much trouble to pull apart. But the correct answer is NOT to just string the whole crazy jumble around your neck and hope none of them fall off during the course of the night. Unless "untangle my jumble" is some kind of kinky fetish game she plays with Ryan Reynolds, in which case, do what you've gotta do, ScarJo, and just pray his ex-fiance Alanis doesn't come out with an irate song named after the same activity.

poll by twiigs.com

August 5, 2008

Fugspray

Fug file:

So, rumor has it that Aubrey O'Day here -- who, if I'm not incorrect, recently told people she was having a fling with Ashley "O Town" Parker Angel, who then had to tell the world that, actually, she was totally smoking crack: awkward -- is now having a fling with model/heiress/the woman who lured Chuck Bass away from Blair (like, I'm so sure. Blair + Chuck 4EVA!), Lydia Hearst:

[Photo: Splash News]

Can I get an additional "I'm so sure?" Directed toward: the idea that this affaire is anything other than a bald ploy for attention of the Lilo/Ronson variety; the fact that Aubrey is wearing a fur shrug in AUGUST; the very existence of Aubrey O'Day, whom Heather and I once mistook for that girl who used to go around impersonating Paris Hilton; Lydia's hideouso make-up; her side-boob; the fact that she's wearing a satin sheet with a newsboy cap that appears to be made of eyelet; and the combined "acting" "skills" of the two of them, which took what was surely intended to be a "pretend we're madly in love and I just said something hilarious" moment and turned it into, "let's awkwardly grimace on a street corner." Yes, surely it's true love.

August 5, 2008

Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Fug

Fug file:

Man Fugs

I do love JC on Randy Jackson Presents the Pussycat Dolls Presents The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Presents America's Next Best Top Project Dance Crew, because he is such a cranky Simon Cowell and it's really funny and also everyone secretly loves the Simon because he tells it like it is. However, I do NOT love JC in this:

At first I thought this coat actually was cut short like a tuxedo jacket (and the gray bits at the bottom were part of his gray shirt),but I believe that's just a little trompe-l'oeil trickery. Trickery which does not make him look any less like he mugged a head waiter on the way to this event. You're better than that, JC.

August 5, 2008

Lady Fugalade

Fug file:

awful pants

Look, Pink, I don't think you should be flipping the bird at US.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

YOU are the one wearing those pants. And when, say, you are in the bathroom trying to get in and out of them quickly before your movie starts, and you have to pay someone to come in and help, you will only have yourself to flip off about it. Well, unless you want to flip off the helpful pants wrangler, but in life, I feel like that can only lead to heartache.

August 5, 2008

Fugtra Nemcova

Fug file:

Petra Nemcova sure seems to be enjoying playing mini-golf, and I'm happy for that.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

I just wish she weren't doing it in those bangs. I'm all for Petra exploring her many facets; I just didn't realize one of them was Vulcan.

August 4, 2008

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Fergie

Fug file:

Well, I've gone back and forth and around in circles on this Fergie outfit. I am just about ready to pull out all my hair and move to Alaska, where Geo Beach can do a whole episode of his show on how blogging there is way harder than anywhere else because -- oh, I don't know, my fingers will be too cold to type, or something.

So I'm going to turn it over to the professionals and let you be the jury.

The prosecution is ready, having been gagging over the giant dried-out-looking braid for about three hours now, noting that they haven't seen a rope that unappealing since the one their seventh-grade gym teacher made them climb in class. Since the defense momentarily passes out from the potency of its rope-burn flashbacks and subsequent lifelong inadequacy issues, the prosecution charges forth with the suggestion that this is not Fergie at all -- that the Fergie WE know would never stick a disco belt over a clashing caftan and call it genius, which therefore forces them to conclude that Fergie skipped this event entirely in favor of making lasagna with Josh Duhamel, and sent her waxwork in her place.

The defense stands up and congratulates Fergie on that choice, because really, given the choice, we would all rather spend the evening making lasagna with Josh Duhamel; the prosecution objects, claiming the defense is simply trying to woo the jury by tweaking its hormones. Forced to make an actual statement, the defense decides to point out that the red parts of the fabric are really pretty; that the hot pink, while maybe a little overly bold, does at least add some drama;, and that it's all light-years better than when Fergie wore cropped ties and shirts tucked up into her bra. Confident in a victory, the prosecution shotguns a case of Diet Coke and breaks into a rousing rendition of "My Humps," until the defense -- misinterpreting "a rousing" as "arousing," hops on You Tube to look for some of Duhamel's greatest hits from his days on All My Children, forcing the judge to send the jury out to deliberate.

poll by twiigs.com

August 4, 2008

Bleeding Fug

Adorable sweet carousel pony pattern, or Rorschach-test worthy bleach stain?

Awkward either way, really.

August 4, 2008

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Phoebe Price

Could someone explain to me how and why Phoebe Price got invited to the Teen Choice Awards? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? She is far from being a teen, and surely is not the choice of any teen. Was she asked to attend as a cautionary tale? Be ye not a fame whore, my children, or this shall be thy fate?

Because that actually kind of makes sense.

August 4, 2008

Teen Choice Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Lauren Conrad

Fug file:

Oh, LC. I don't even know. I suspect you may have belted a polyester bedspread from Goodwill:

poll by twiigs.com

August 4, 2008

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Ed Westwick

Fug file:

Now that he's a hit as Chuck Bass on TV, I suppose Ed Westwick is probably sniffing around looking for a massive movie role for when he's on hiatus.

Unfortunately, they've already cast the role of the ~~controlling, obsessive, moody, tired-looking, clammy, creepy, mentally intrusive, decades-old, stalker-ish~~ "romantic" vampire Edward in the Twilight movie. Better luck next time, Ed!

August 4, 2008

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Lil Mama

Fug file:

costumey

Apparently, the whole general idea with Lil Mama's childlike garb is that she's the baby of the rap community. It seems kind of silly to me, but hey, not my problem.

Right now, based on her facial expression, I'm a lot more concerned for the spider that's going to sit down beside her while she's eating her curds and whey. I would hate for that quaint story to end in death.

August 1, 2008

Random Fug: Anja Kruse

Fug file:

Many a time on GFY we've commented that a person looks like he or she is the valedictorian of clown college.

I think we've found the headmistress.

August 1, 2008

Hustle and Fug

Fug file:

WTF

Somebody really needs to rescue Taryn Manning from fashion Fergatory.

Which is to say, purgatory + stuff Fergie did to herself in 2005.

August 1, 2008

My Boss's Fugger

So, it's Friday. I know you're at your desk, staring at the Internet and pretending to be working, an Excel spreadsheet ready to be pulled up the moment your boss comes waltzing over to see what you're doing. And I know what you're thinking about. You're thinking, "I wonder what Tara Reid is up to. Do you think she's waitressing somewhere yet?"

She might be. But she's also got some free time to go to Fred Segal in an outfit that she apparently had to tear away from a pack of angry wolves!

Cross that one off your to-do list!

August 1, 2008

The Fug Files: I Want To Fug

Fug file:

accessories to the crime

Good morning! Welcome to "How To Ruin Summer Trends," starring Amanda Peet.

1. Gather up all your of-the-moment stuff, like aggressively strappy shoes, a summer scarf, a giant clutch, maybe a jacket.

2. Pair them with slouchy, wrinkly stuff that may have come from your bin of maternity wear.

3. Roll up your jeans, because you saw Katie Holmes doing it and you're pretty sure that means it's Armani-approved behavior.

4. Then make sure one is rolled higher than the other by just a little bit.

5. Slouch.

And voila! Perfect for when you're bored and you want your agent to look at you and say, "Oh my GOD, honey.... is there something you'd like to tell me? Are you strapped for cash? Do you need me to be getting you more work? Did you sell your house and buy a dumpster by the ocean?"

August 1, 2008

Fug or Fab: Leslie Mann

Even Leslie Mann's expression is kind of like, "Well, here we go."

I am quite sure that I like her shoes. I am less sure about the rest of it. I might like it....I might think it is too reminiscent of polyester 1970s bedroom curtains as depicted on the cover of a VC Andrews novel....on the other hand, that could be a good thing, right? Oh, reader poll, please soothe my feverish brow:

poll by twiigs.com