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August 28, 2008

Fug On Over

When Jessica Simpson decided to switch to being a country singer, I actually thought it was a good idea -- I mean, here is a girl who has some talent but hasn't quite seemed to fit in anywhere, she's from Texas, she's got roots in the South, and she's got the same hair as country success stories like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill and Taylor Swift and.... the list is long. (Admittedly, we'd rather see her with a Reba-style red bouffant, but Ashlee won the red hair coin-toss so it's not going to happen.) So it's not a DUMB idea for her to switch genres.

But here's why I am skeptical of it working: She is TOTALLY pandering. All of a sudden, she's back in her Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and knotted button-down shirts, or she's on-stage in stuff like this:

spl46116_004.jpg
[Photo: Splash News]

HONEY.Your career is not a stage adaptation of Big Business; you, therefore, do not need to style yourself as though you are playing the Bette Midler "rural twin" who likes to yodel at the county fair. Country fans are not idiots; it is wrong to assume that, just because you wear something that looks like you stitched it together from picnic-basket liners during a really boring hayride, they will stop booing you and start hugging and toasting marshmallows. These people will not appreciate being talked-down-to -- or styled-down-to, as it were -- by a girl who thought tuna was chicken and, worse, thought acting stupid made her adorable.

Also, put your tongue back in your mouth. You don't know where that air has been.

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Bai Ling

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A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?

Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.

Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!

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