December 2008 Archives

December 19, 2008

The Fug and the Fugless

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This holiday season, I am thankful for many things: My health, my family, my Dr. Murad zit-blasting face wash, the fact that it's cold enough in Los Angeles to wear coats, mulled wine, fondue, the Pittsburgh Steelers defense, the fact that the hideously, brain-searingly, stabby-makingly awful Sears ad with that Five For Fighting song is seasonal and should therefore go off the air soon... the list is long.

But on there, somewhere, is a note of gratitude that Michelle Stafford did not come upon this pattern in dress form:

For one thing, it's a rather ugly pattern, so the less of it assaulting my eyes, the better. But I'm also thankful she wore this outfit exactly as it is, because it's so AMUSING. I got a welcome laugh out of it this morning. It's ridiculous -- it's like wearing a turtleneck over your prom dress, or trying to repurpose your wedding gown by throwing on a t-shirt. She looks like a piece of furniture you'd find in the Titanic wreckage, right down to the presence of some mildew at the base. Oh, Phyllis. Why were you even AT the Valkyrie premiere? You just caught your husband making out with his ex-wife in Paris and your father-in-law VICTOR NEWMAN (whose name generally requires all-caps, as that's how everyone utters it on the show) is in prison for something he didn't do and your rich old friend is presumed dead but is actually suffering from the kind of amnesia that makes a girl color her hair and sling hash at a remote diner. You have PROBLEMS. You don't have TIME to waddle around in thigh-chafing baroque upholstery. I hope Santa puts some leg salve in your stocking.

Which segues us nicely to: Jessica and I will be taking a short Christmas break, so that we can fully concentrate on bribing Santa with brandy and cookies (EVERYONE looks nice after a few hot toddies), using way too much tape to wrap our presents, making merry with Intern George, and sleeping until noon. We will miss you, but frankly, it's not like you guys would be reading anyway. If you celebrate Christmas, your to-do list is probably a lot like the one we listed for ourselves, and if you don't, you're probably luxuriating in the fact that there's no traffic and probably very short lines in restaurants because everyone else is at home lazily lounging in front of their trees and refusing to change out of their pajamas. Barring the onset of unexpected holiday ennui, we're giving ourselves the weeks of Christmas and New Year's Eve to relax, meaning we'll be back with new posts in 2009.

Happy holidays, have a wonderful end to 2008, and as ever, thank you so much for all the love and support and occasionally deeply entertaining hate mail you've given us this year. We have the greatest readers in the world and we want nothing but the best for you all in 2009. Remember, Fug Madness is just around the corner....

XOXO,
Fugsip Girls

December 19, 2008

The Jane Austen Fug Club

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scrolldown fug,
WTF

OH MAGGIE GRACE:

JUST STOP NOW. This is patently ridiculous and you know it. Although props for matching your ensemble to the backdrop. That takes some crazy-high level of coordination fetish, which I admire in theory, if only because of the psychic ability it requires.

December 19, 2008

NYFug.com: Ten Things We Learned From Celeb Fashion In 2008

Who are we to resist the siren song of the year-end wrap up? They are nigh irresistible, kind of like an open bag of M&Ms. Hence:

"Whatever Solange Wears, Do the Opposite. When your sister has invented a split personality just so she can wear a metallic robot hand, and you still look more cracked out than she does, something is terribly wrong."

I think we can all agree on that one, eh? Poor Solange. Will she ever win? Put on your robot hand and weigh in on that very serious topic, and read about the nine other searing truths we learned this year, over at NY Mag.com.

December 19, 2008

Fug Up And Drive

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Rihanna, I am flummoxed.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

Are those boot-pants -- pantaboots? bootaloons? -- like, the adult version of footie pajamas? Where does one acquire such an item? Is it supposed to save you time when your shoes and your pants are one and the same? How do you hang those up in your closet without the show part weighing them down and making them fall off the hanger? How do you get them cleaned? Do you weather-treat the entire thing? When you go hang out at a friend's house and want to kick off your shoes, but can't, do you die a little inside? When you go to someone's home and that person asks that you kick off your shoes before entering, do you just take off the bootaloons altogether and swan around in your underwear? When you get blisters, does it take you half-an-hour to put Band-Aids on them? And does every inch of the bootaloons smell like feet, since they are essentially shoes with a crotch? Don't you ever get afraid you'll have to cut yourself out of them when you're drunk and they just won't budge?

Please advise.

December 19, 2008

Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway

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random-ass magazines

Uh, this is awkward. Where to begin? Well, as one of the readers who alerted us to this pointed out, Kate Hudson could NOT have been more awkwardly Photoshopped into this scenario. I'm not even sure if that's actually HER. It might just be a Kate Hudson look-a-like, or a Kate Hudson cardboard stand-up which someone stole from the marketing department of whatever movie studio is producing the film in which she, apparently, is starring as one of the Real Housewives of Orange County. That would also explain why Hathaway is giving us that knowing, "KILL ME NOW" smirk. Also, perhaps because after suffering The Break-Up Of The Year, the last thing she wants to do is talk about weddings. If I were her, I would be asking my publicist if I could pose on the cover of, like, Can We Stop Talking About My Break-Up Monthly, or Yes, I DID Handle That Well; Let's Talk About Global Warming Or Whatever Now Weekly or Probably Just Going To Be Single For a While, But Don't Worry About Me, I'm Cool Review. That magazine has great book reviews, by the way. In case you were wondering.

December 19, 2008

Heroes: Fugs

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Oh, K BELL. We'd made SO MUCH PROGRESS in the last year! You went from Often Stumpy to Usually Fab. And yet who amongst us has not backslid? I, in fact, just absentmindedly ate two Flaming Hot Cheeto Puffs whilst making coffee. That is disgusting and wrong. And I need to stop buying them because they're like crack: I can't quit them and even though I am disgusted by myself, I don't even want to. Horrifying. So I can't hold your sequined party pants and weirdly-fitting tank top against you:

MAYBE you have a tap dancing recital later. I don't know your life.

December 18, 2008

My BFFug/Moderately Decently Played, Paris

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

PARIS: Oh, BFF person, thank you. You learned! This is MUCH BETTER.

BRITTANY: Yep. I am a quick study.

PARIS: You're kind of wearing a tutu, sorta-maybe, and it's a bit underwhelming, but you are walking like a FULL pace behind me! Just like I told you to! It is so awesome when people do what you tell them. You're like a pet!

BRITTANY: Uh-huh. It's a great gig. Just great.

PARIS: And, like, I'm totally in this kinda cute schoolteacher dress -- like I'm a stripper who's going to show up at some dude's bachelor party looking all innocent and then it turns out this thing rips off and reveals that I'm wearing lingerie made of an old Algebra book, which I have totally done, but just on a random Sunday night and it was just for some dude I met at the nail salon -- and you kinda look like a sad little pupil. Eating my every word with, like, a spork.

BRITTANY: Sporks. Right. Sure. And really, it's fun back here. Don't you worry about me.

PARIS: Now that you are on the right track, can you help me fix Nicky?

BRITTANY: What's wrong with her?

PARIS: Um, have you SEEN HER?

Continue reading My BFFug/Moderately Decently Played, Paris.

December 18, 2008

Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes

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Although my irrational and probably totally unfair distain for Sarah Paulson has been well-documented herein, I have to admit that I feel sorry for her this morning. She arrived at the premiere of The Spirit last night in this:

I actually think the dress itself is lovely. But it is not a good color on her, and she's doing herself no favors with her makeup (she needs MORE of it, I think, because otherwise this yellow makes her look super washed out, and sallow), not to mention this bizarrely stern Elmira Gulch-y schoolmarm expression, which she's sporting in nearly every picture.

Maybe she was cranky because she thought she was going to be the only one rocking the canary last night, and then Eva Mendes showed up in this:

Continue reading Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes.

December 18, 2008

Fug or Fab: Zooey Deschanel

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So, I was up way too late last night. Not doing anything thrilling or scandalous, mind you -- mostly, I was watching Top Chef, then playing Pathwords, then eating some cookies, then reflecting that cookies are not a very healthy midnight snack, then re-reading like 100 pages of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (I just hate that Dolores Umbridge) before realizing it was like 2:30 am and I was an idiot. So, anyway, what I'm saying is, I need your help here:

Yes, yes: Zooey Deschanel IS adorable. I agree with that assessment -- although at a certain point, a smart woman starts shifting away from "adorable" and into something new and slightly less youth-based, or it gets a little awkward (maybe "quirky" would be a good, subtle shift). And this dress is very sweet and charming, though perhaps a bit....Ice Capades, no? The thing that kills it for me are the tights. WTF is up with shiny, pale, textured tights? NOOOOOO. Unless you are a Rockette. Or a child. Or an ice dancer (maybe). Am I right?

poll by twiigs.com

December 18, 2008

The Fugstler

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It's quite possible that nobody is happier about Mickey Rourke's recent success with The Wrestler. Well, okay, Mickey's agent and manager are probably pretty stoked, and I suspect his accountant is doing a subtle jig. His Mystic Tan technician might also be in a good mood. And Mickey himself must be happy. But other than THAT, I am first in line.

Why? Because I want more of this:

If this thing pays off for him, Mickey might not merely LOOK like a dude who is about to open up his own riverboat casino so he can challenge the best bluffers in the West to try and beat him at his own poker table; he might actually DO it. Which, clearly, will lead to way more shiny jeans, glittery jackets, and satin vests, the likes of which would make Chuck Bass swoon with envy. And a thousand Gossip Girl fanfics are born.

December 17, 2008

Well Played, Kate Winslet

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KATE: I want it, Leo. I want the Oscar.

LEO: And you will win one, Kate. ... For HOTNESS.

KATE: Stop clowning. I know I look fabulous. Have you SEEN me?

LEO: I'm either used to the tan, or it's faded. Smashing.

KATE: Next stop, Academy Award.

LEO: I can see you holding it, Kate.

KATE: I have to have it, Leo.

LEO: Squeeze my hand and let's dream together.

KATE: I will not be Susan Lucci, Leo. I will not be the goddamn Susan Lucci of Real Acting.

LEO: I won't let it happen.

KATE: Nineteen tries. It took her NINETEEN TRIES to win the Daytime Emmy. I've had ten tries and I haven't even won a fucking Globe. A GLOBE. They're not even REAL AWARDS.

LEO: Wow, you have one hell of a grip.

KATE: I will NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. I WILL NOT become the Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery of the grown-up awards circuit! NO.

LEO: Can't... feel... fingers...

KATE: I have two more Globe nominations, and let's face it, probably two more Oscar ones coming up, AND ONE OF THEM HAD BETTER PAY OFF, DO YOU HEAR ME?

LEO: All right, all right! But at least you look amazing.

KATE: Well, yes. That is the first step. And then we will conquer the trophies.

LEO: Phew. I thought I was going to lose my hand.

December 17, 2008

The Fugler

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EVAN RACHEL WOOD: Hi, Marisa.

MARISA TOMEI: Have we met? OH! It's you. Hey, Evan. What up?

EVAN: I know, I look different with this hair color.

MARISA: Yes. Yes, that is totally what I was reacting to. Hmm-mmm. Hey, let's hit the open bar! Come on! Let's stop talking now!

EVAN: You're acting weird. Do I look okay?

MARISA: Me? Weird? No! No! Everything is GREAT. Great! I am basically pulling off this satin number and you KNOW how hard that is, so I am feeling good. Yes! Let's go eat things and stop discussing what you look like.

EVAN: Is this because of those rumors that I was dating Mickey Rourke? Is that making you uncomfortable?

MARISA: No. Well. Yes. But that's not what's going on. Do you want to hear it, straight up? Do you want a ride on the Tomei Straight Talk Express? Is that what you're asking me?

EVAN: I guess so.

MARISA: It's your makeup. LOOK AT YOURSELF:

Continue reading The Fugler.

December 17, 2008

Random Scrolldown Fug: Yennifer Behrens

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My reaction to this when I saw the thumbnail was, "Hmm. Not sure I'd have worn white knee-high boots with that."

[Photo: WENN]

My reaction now that I see it up close, and I understand that they are not boots, is something like, "Holyf**kingsfvkjaerhaghuiqagehT ./asd/atlk.df,.afkfasddashkl."

In case you don't speak fluent Forehead Smacking Keyboard In Abject Agitation, that translates roughly to, "Gee, dingy booties that look like she bought them on eBay from a 1970s-era Dallas Cowboys cheerleader are a very unorthodox choice indeed, especially when you add the double whammy of white knee-socks AND legwarmers. What an unusual person." Forehead Smacking Keyboard in Abject Agitation is a very efficient, expressive language.

December 17, 2008

My So-Called Fug

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Haikus For Jared Leto:

J. Catalano
Your comb-over makes me sad.
Dude, why so greasy?

You were so dreamy.
Somewhere, Angela Chase is
Totally appalled.

So you're in a band.
Some rock stars are very hot.
Resolve to bathe, 'kay?

Don't you understand?
Your hotness is, like, a gift.
Wasting it is rude.

December 16, 2008

Can't Fug You Out Of My Head

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

It was a perfectly pleasant lunch until, five minutes later, an absent-minded photographer started rooting through Kylie's pillows for loose change before attempting to stretch out and take a nap on her skirt.

December 16, 2008

Fugroads

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pattern problems

So, I guess Zoe Saldana here in is the new Star Trek, which kind of makes me sad, because that means that I can't keep making Center Stage references about her forever. I mean, I CAN. But maybe I should move on. But maybe I don't want to. But maybe the biggest question is: what is happening here?

This is...cheerful? That seems like the right word. I mean, it would be a really cute bulletin board display in a kindergarten classroom. Or an interesting, stimulating wall-hanging in your child's bedroom. Or even a fun quilt in the guest room! Or...that's all I got. As a dress, though, it feels a bit as though it took the Bright Fun Arty Cheerful concept and just shoved it over the line into Rainy Day Crafts Project Gone Awry. On the other hand, at least it's not depressing. Unlike the ballet into which Zoe Saldana inserted herself at the end of Center Stage. Choreographed by Eyebrows Gallagher or not, that thing looked like a total snore. (I've got to use up my CS references while there's still time. You understand. They're so precious to me.)

December 16, 2008

Fugsa Rinna

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When I noticed Lisa Rinna did not wear anything made of leopard print and/or a corset to this party, I seriously just about threw my hands to the heavens, praised whatever higher power is hanging out up there eating bon-bons and sorting through an Inbox full of prayers, and then passed out from the shock of it all.

But then once Intern George revived me with his special home brew of smelling salts and Jif, I realized something else:

Yes, she's not wearing animal print, but she's ALSO not wearing pants. That is not an okay compromise. Lady, you own a boutique; presumably you know the difference between a turtleneck shirt and a dress. If you don't, then I suspect your shop is not for me. Which is not to say Lisa Rinna isn't in great shape; clearly, she is. If I could swap my legs for hers right now, it would be kind of awkward, but I'd totally do it. However, I sort of feel like there's a point in our lives, possibly the moment we all graduate from diapers into big-girl pants we can change on our own, where the threat of exposing our crotches -- even if it'they have panty-hose seams running over them -- becomes unseemly. If that thing were like four inches longer we'd STILL get the point that she has great gams, but without looking quite so desperate. You can make a statement without skipping straight to vulva-skimming hemlines, okay, Lisa? I PROMISE.

poll by twiigs.com

December 16, 2008

Fugs Wide Fug

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caftans

Aw, Leelee.

I'd be upset with you for this -- you're making me miss my dead grandma AND Mary-Kate Olsen all in one very confusing rush of strange, usually unrelated emotions -- but the perplexed-looking dude standing behind you, who appears to have halted mid-step to stare at your Nursing-Home-Wallpaper-patterned caftan, amuses me so much that I just can't stay mad. Bless.

December 15, 2008

Fugcy

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It cracks me up that Jessica Simpson's new perfume is called "Fancy," both because that seems like an incredibly obvious/generic thing to call a scent -- like, is her next one going to be named "Smells Good"? -- and because it always reminds me of the Reba McEntire song of the same name, which is about a girl whose mother pushes her into prostitution because they're poverty-stricken. And it seems to me that prostitution is not something most women want to smell like. But who am I to judge? Now, let's talk about her outfit:

OH J SIMP. Just the other day, Heather and I were talking about how we used to kind of hate you and wish fervently that you would go away and now we are really kind of rooting for you and Tony Romo and worry that you are lost without the loving embrace of girlfriends who will remind you that you are a beautiful girl and then gently tell you that red ruched satin is a LOT of look and that perhaps you -- who naturally already HAVE a Lot Of Look -- might be better off in something maybe less festive but also a bit more subtle, no? No? Okay, the thing is called "Fancy," after all. Go with God, then, kid. But please stop talking to the media about how Romo is the wind beneath your wings and the light of your life and the man who makes you want to be a better woman and someone who had you at "hello" and the star of all your Celine-Dion-video-inspired fantasies, because you KNOW that's just bad luck. Okay? Good. I'm glad we had this little talk.

December 15, 2008

My Fug BFF

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

PARIS: Listen, New BFF, if I have to hang out with you because I won you on my TV show, or whatever, then you need to remember to follow the rules.

BRITTANY: You can call me Brittany, you know. It's okay. We're BFFs.

PARIS: Rule number one is, you ALWAYS let me walk in front, so that the paparazzi can see more of me than they can see of you.

BRITTANY: Oops. I just thought, you know, I'm escorting you inside! Like a bodyguard!

PARIS: Did you say "escort"? I am NOT a call girl. I have sex for FREE. HOW DARE YOU IMPLY...

BRITTANY: You misunderstood me, Paris... I swear. Okay, got it. What's the next rule?

PARIS: You are not allowed to wear more layers or accessories than I am, or else everyone will be looking at YOU and not ME. I am the star here, BFF lady.

BRITTANY: Roger that.

PARIS: "Roger"? Why is everything about sex with you? Is that all you think that I do? Because I'll have you know, I went to Kitson today too.

BRITTANY: I didn't mean... look, this isn't going too well. What else can I do?

PARIS: Next time I wear a dress that kind of looks like the Kleenexes lying around my bathroom that I used to take off my makeup, you can stop me. Like, it's nice and stuff I guess, but sometimes it looks like a bad accident. This dress was a TEST and you FAILED.

BRITTANY: Got it. Shit. I just thought it was artsy.

PARIS: HA! Joke's on you! I don't even know what art LOOKS like!

BRITTANY. OK. What else?

PARIS: You can stop wearing headbands with feathers in them. Or is that a pen? Anyway, it's stupid. You look like Robin Hood's Scottish niece.

BRITTANY: Heh. Good one!

PARIS: Aww, BFF, are you kissing my ass?

BRITTANY: Yes. Yes, I am.

PARIS: Well done! Now THAT'S what I hired you to do.

December 15, 2008

Z100 Fuggle Ball

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So, help me out here, Ashley Tisdale:

[Photo: WENN]

Why the leggings, child? If it's warm enough for a sleeveless dress and peep-toe shoes in New Jersey -- which, I hear from reliable sources, it actually may have been -- then why are you hedging your bets with those stupid things? You don't need them! They are evil! Have we not learned? Are we not, as a nation, past this bit of sartorial madness? Did you forget to shave? Because I have news for you: Leg hair WILL burrow through those, and then you will spend the rest of the night absently running your hand over the prickles and wondering if they are catching the light. Trust me.

On a separate note: Is it just me, or is the pattern on this dress eerily reminiscent of the kind of desktop photos that come standard on a lot of PCs? I'm relieved it's not just a giant scarf she poked her head through -- which is what I thought when I saw this photo in thumbnail size -- but now I can't escape the urge to decorate it with iTunes and Snood shortcuts.

December 15, 2008

American Fug

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KRISTEN KREUK: Hi, Chris Klein.

CHRIS KLEIN: Hi, Girl from Smallville.

KRISTEN: Actually, I'm not a regular on that show anymore.

CHRIS: I don't care.

KRISTEN: Well, I don't care for your new hair.

CHRIS: What? It's so luxurious!

KRISTEN: You look like the love child of Nic Cage and Noah Wyle in those movies where he's an adventurous librarian.

CHRIS: I can't believe you don't think I look dashing. I'm really kind of offended.

KRISTEN: I got my hair cut, too.

CHRIS: I actually have no idea who you are, so how am I supposed to know that?

KRISTEN: Mine is sort of sassy, though. Sort of Katie Holmes-ish. Don't you think?

CHRIS: No, I don't -- HEY. Wait a minute. I kind of do. Are you an actress?

KRISTEN: YES. My show has been on the CW since it was the WB, dude.

CHRIS: Hold the phone.You're a petite, brunette actress?

KRISTEN: Yes.

CHRIS: Who could potentially be cast as a sister or other blood relation of Katie Holmes?

KRISTEN: If I had a decent agent.

CHRIS: Will you marry me?

KRISTEN: Okay.

CHRIS: Third time's a charm!

December 12, 2008

Tori and Fug: Fug Love

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TORI SPELLING: We meet again.

AUDRINA PATRIDGE: We've actually never met, Tori.

TORI: I know you from somewhere.

AUDRINA: I'm on The Hills? That reality show on MTV? Lots of pretty girls crying about boys and texting a lot?

TORI: I don't watch reality programming.

AUDRINA: You're ON a reality show.

TORI: I'm only on that because I was on a scripted show first. It doesn't count.

AUDRINA: Why are you even posing with me, then?

TORI: I thought it might make me look young. Hip. With it.

AUDRINA: Um, maybe you should try not wearing a doily and a severe bun, if that's what you're going for.

TORI: How dare you? If I stare at your boobs REALLY hard, I think I can see your nipples shields.

AUDRINA: At least people want to see my nipple shields, GRANDMA. You look like you just took a vow of celibacy.

TORI: I will cut you.

AUDRINA: I'd like to see you try.

TORI: Why don't you come on my reality show and we can mud wrestle? The ratings will be huge!

AUDRINA: Okay!

TORI: Nice doing business with you.

December 12, 2008

The Fugages

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There are certainly some ways in which this Laura Linney outfit could be considered a success.

For instance, if she wanted to look like a crabby and brittle old socialite who is attending a charity ball to raise money for the surgical eradication of waists, then she has hit a home run. If she wanted to look like a Maria von Trapp/Martha Stewart hybrid who makes dresses out of leftover upholstery so that she will match her grandmother's antique dining-room chairs, then she has nailed it. If she forgot to wear a bra and wanted us to marvel at the ingenuity of adding a torso tourniquet at the last minute as a way of holding up the girls, then she is to be congratulated for a rousing success.

Let's just assume those were her goals and call this a win, because it's Friday, and Fridays are made of win.

December 12, 2008

Fugly and Me

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I love this picture:

It's like the Jennifer Aniston on the poster is Jennifer's Aniston's guardian angel, whispering advice to her. And if we're real quiet, we can hear her: "Self, your body is amazing. And your hair is extremely glossy. And your tan is ever so even. Just imagine how awesome you'd look if you WORE A COLOR FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, LIKE, EVER. GOD. Of course, I also told you not to get back together with WhatsHisNuts with the guitar and I tell you EVERY SINGLE DAY to STOP commenting about You Know What, so you obviously never listen to me anyway. Why am I even here? Other people need my help, you know. Imagine the advice I could give that Lauren Conrad person. I'm going to go offer her my services. Step one: waterproof mascara."

December 12, 2008

Fugly Potter and the Half-Fug Prince

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Somehow this week, an Emma Watson photo I thought about posting slipped through the cracks of my porous, jagged mind. Let's examine.

It may be easier to address this from the bottom up: Those shoes are, in the immortal words of Her Highness Victoria Beckham, MAJOR. I can't hate 'em. The skirt pleating could be really cute, if it were attached to a bodice that flowed with the theme, rather than looking like she is wearing her leotard for the Great Britain Gymnastics Squad tucked into it. Although I suppose one never does know when an orgy of vaulting will break out at a party, so it's good to be prepared. And Emma embracing the uneven bars WOULD explain why she looks a bit skinny. It's hard to tell with her, because she's always been tiny, but either she's getting crazy about dieting or she just ought not wear an outfit this snug ever again so as not to worry us that she's totally given up on food she has to chew.

Finally: The hair. I have to say, I quite like it on her, but I have read complaints that she's an unfortunate victim of The Rachel (their words, not mine). I guess it does look a bit like Jennifer Aniston's famed 'do, but -- another confession here -- I didn't hate The Rachel, either. Remember those days, back when Jennifer Aniston had curves and Joey wasn't bloated and we weren't watching Matthew Perry's weight balloon up and down depending on whether he was rehabbing? Sigh. Good times. Good, innocent times.

poll by twiigs.com

December 11, 2008

NYFug.com: What Will Anna Do?

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Vogue

As you are no doubt aware, dear reader, recently the blogs have been full of speculative gossip that Anna Wintour is getting ready to put down her bob and leave Vogue. While that would surely be a loss, we understand that a girl has to move on eventually, and she's probably bored of people's endless Devil Wears Prada jokes by now. But whatever will Bobs-A-Million do with herself, once's she's freed from the confines of Conde Nast? We speculate for NY Mag.com:

"If Madonna can write for tots, A-Dubs should be a natural at crafting stories that convey important morals to our next generation of leaders. Imagine the semi-autobiographical truths she could pour into, say, Dubbie the Dragon Goes to Couture Week, Bobby and the Rogue Rice Grain, or the especially moving Why Is Mommy Holding Last Season's Bag?"

That last one is a real tear jerker, let me tell you. If you're feeling strong, you can read the entire column here.

December 11, 2008

Well Played, Brooke Shields (And Also Elizabeth Banks)

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Lipstick Jungle

When I grow up, I want to be Brooke Shields.

She is one big reason -- secret shame alert! -- I'm going to miss Lipstick Jungle if/when it does officially get canceled. Not only is good old Lindsay Price from 90210 really funny and charming and not-emaciated on it, but I love looking at Brooke Shields every week. The woman is gorgeous, and she is totally rocking the hell out of her forties without appearing to have messed with her face. Seriously, I watch her in HD, and she still looks awesome.

There's not even anything that remarkable about her outfit here, other than that she looks lovely and seven-feet-tall in it; really, it's just that she struck me enough to make me ponder for a while how tragic it is that when I hit 40, it will look nothing LIKE that. Hell, when I hit 30, it didn't look anything like that. She should really write a thank-you note to her parents for that DNA. I feel like even Elizabeth Banks, who looks adorable here herself, is secretly thinking, "Damn, Brooke Shields is a tall drink of water, AND she wears huge heels, AND she seems nice and normal, AND she went mano a mano with Crazy Tom Cruise and won. If I weren't so obsessed with telling everyone in every interview just how attractive I am, I would tell everyone how hot Brooke is."

So, well played to both of them, but also, when they invent shape-shifting, I'm totally going to give the Brooke Shields setting a try.

December 11, 2008

Fugrit

Fug file:

metallics

This was going to be a Fug or Fab, but then I realized that it takes a truly special dress to actually make your head look too small for your body:

Not to mention to make the rightly-famous Curves of ScarJo look kind of droopy and non-existent. If this dress can do that, what other Dark Arts has it mastered? Can it give you zits? Will it add twenty pounds to your body, but only on your right leg? Could it sneak out in the dead of night and move your car to the street-cleaning side of the street, earning you countless tickets and a cold, dark fear that you've been sleep-parking? Will it call all of your ex-boyfriends and tell them that you've never gotten over them and are right now embroidering their names on your underwear and sobbing while watching a marathon of TLC's A Wedding Story? WILL NO ONE STOP ITS REIGN OF TERROR?

December 11, 2008

Opposites Fugtract

Fug file:

When American Idol ends every season, I am SO RELIEVED to be done with having to listen to Paula Abdul. I don't even start watching the show until the final ten or twelve, or whatever, and I never watch the results show, and that is STILL my limit. But after this pleasant hiatus -- during which, the other day, I caught her on Martha Stewart's show, where she characteristically slurred and mumbled her way through a cookie segment and it looked like Martha had to lean in to catch what she was saying, and was being a bit forcibly jolly to make up for it; awkward -- I am finally ready to see her out and about again. ESPECIALLY when she delivers with something as resplendent as this:

[Photo: WENN]

WOW. And so our twisted love affair begins anew. I'm going to want to wring the wishy-washy ot of her come April, but right now, I just want to know WHERE and WHEN I can catch her performing a Civil War re-enactment with the Rockettes. And where she keeps her musket.

December 11, 2008

Fugouse

Fug file:

This is perplexing:

Have I utterly taken leave of my senses -- it's possible -- or does she look like she's poked her legs though the bottom of a wicker laundry basket in order to wear it as a skirt? I'm all for recycling, but damn.

December 11, 2008

The Secret Fug of American Teenagers

So what do we think of Shailene Woodley's headgear: Adorable knit ear-warmer, possibly from grandma?

Or a troubling clue that the REAL secret life of American teenagers involves taking headbanging to newer, more literal levels?

poll by twiigs.com

December 10, 2008

The Fuggit

Fug file:

SCARJO: Well well, Eva. We meet again.

EVA MENDES: Can you believe we're both in this shitty-looking movie? The trailer is terrible.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: I MOTHERF*&%ING LOVE IT.

SCARJO: Aren't you going to compliment my outfit, Eva? Don't I look better? Older?

EVA: Oh, sweetie. No. I mean, again, it's FINE, but... red lipstick doesn't make you look adult if you pair it with that hemline and that severe hair. Are you three feet tall? Is this your seventh-grade spring formal?

SAMUEL L.: GET THAT MOTHERF*&%ING HEMLINE OFF YOUR MOTHERF*&%ING SHINS.

SCARJO: Really? Dammit. There is no pleasing you people. At least the rest of it doesn't look like a spotted bedsheet...

EVA: Well, I just knew I wouldn't have to try that hard, because you'd do something weird and Samuel L. would wear velvet pants and I'd be the big winner no matter what. Plus, my shoes are amazing.

SAMUEL L: THOSE MOTHERF*&%ING SHOES SAVE THE WHOLE MOTHERF*&%ING OUTFIT. I AM MOTHERF*&%ING FEELING IT.

EVA: See?

SCARJO: I hate you all.

December 10, 2008

The Fug and the Beautiful

Fug file:

Natasha Alam here was apparently in The Women, which I skipped, and had a short stint on The Bold and the Beautiful. We need to talk about what she's wearing:

Except words appear to be failing me. Let's just hope she's smuggling some actual pants in those sleeves.

December 10, 2008

Fug The Covers: Elle

Fug file:

We'd gotten plenty of e-mails about Beyonce's dual Elle covers, but nothing prepared me for seeing it fly through my mail slot and land in my foyer. I might have yelped.

First, though, let's look at the newsstand cover -- the one, presumably, that Elle thinks WON'T send people running screaming to Marie Claire:

[Photo: Splash News]

This picture is fine, I guess. I'm not sure about the painful-looking art-deco napkin rings she's wearing on her left arm, and her random sash kind of jumps out at me as something you would wear if you were feeling really bloated that day and wanted some camouflage, rather than something that actually looks good out in the world as part of that outfit. Oh, and her smile reminds me of nothing so much as the triangular grins they draw onto South Park characters, which in turn reminds me that I haven't watched Woodland Critter Christmas yet this season.

Overall, it's resoundingly average. But what tickles me is that the way that, in these troubled times when all I want is positive reinforcement, Elle is reaching out and saying, "Listen. You ARE kind of a disaster. And let's face it, you probably won't get that much better. But we promise we will expend minimal effort to make you marginally less tragic." They're looking into whether there's a fat gene that may or may not make your waistline inevitable (subtext: dieting might NEVER WORK so just QUIT until you're sure), there's hairstyles they SPECIFICALLY say are for hopeless people, and the entire issue is themed as "MAKE BETTER." Not "makeover," or "make fabulous," or even "how to feel fabulous even though we're all freaking poor and waiting for the sky to fall." I would like a little optimism with my recession. Instead, it's tips for people who don't feel like putting in that much work, and are willing to reap the minute rewards of the lackluster seeds they're sowing. In short, this cover needs Prozac and maybe some caffeine.

Still, any objections I had to Beyonce's styling were quickly put to rest when the postman shoved Sasha Fierce's subscriber cover through my door. With apologies for the crappy color quality -- my scanner must have some kind of hangover -- feast on this:

Continue reading Fug The Covers: Elle.

December 10, 2008

Fug or Fab: Cate Blanchett

Fug file:

metallics

Just yesterday, my friend Grant and I were talking about how gorgeous Cate Blanchett looks in the ads for Benjamin Button. And she does. There's a huge billboard of her face at one of the stoplights on my way home and I am regularly kind of transfixed by it. This is likewise transfixing:

Do I love it? Do I hate it? Is it slowly hypnotizing me with its metallic, snake-like, undulations? I don't know.

poll by twiigs.com

December 9, 2008

The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo

Fug file:

ANGELINA: It's so nice to see you.

J.LO: Oh, Brad's Lady Person, me duele. This pains me, because I would like to say the same, but I cannot.

ANGELINA: Excuse me?

J.LO: It is clear nobody taught you how to have twins.

ANGELINA: I... what?

J.LO: Look at you in that black thing. I cannot see your boobs. What is the point of getting fat for nine months if you can't make people stand in awe of your hotness when you are fit again?

ANGELINA: Because kids are great? I plan to collect them all!

J.LO: Ah, yes, I love my little tiny tots. But I also love my giant tots -- the ones on my chest. I HYPNOTIZE with them. Try to look away. YOU CANNOT. This is what you must achieve, Angennifer.

ANGELINA: You're mixing me up with...

J.LO: Oh, whatever. You, the Anistperson, it's all the same. You both always wear black. Blah blah blah. You must take a lesson from me, Pitt twig! Lay it all out there! Your boobs are like God's tattoos. They have MEANING. MAKE PEOPLE LOOK. Can it with the sad strapless sheaths. Mis ojos, they burn with shame for your lack of FLASH.

ANGELINA: Thanks for the advice.

J.LO: I mean, LOOK AT ME. Behold:

Continue reading The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo.

December 9, 2008

V.I.Fug

Fug file:

[Photo: WENN]

"I have the funniest feeling I forgot something. Something...important. Damn. This is going to bother me all night."

December 9, 2008

Fuggy Trendy

Fug file:

Don't deny it. I know you've spent much of the last month thinking, "I wonder what that delightful tree nymph Bobby Trendy has gotten up to." I certainly have, right in between reflecting on the true meaning of Arbor Day and counting my split ends. You will be relieved to know that B. Tre is as profoundly sparkly and over-the-top as ever:

[Photo:Splash]

I may forgo a Christmas tree this year, and just ask him to come stand in the corner of my living room, turning slowly every fifteen minutes. It'll be so much more festive.

December 9, 2008

The Curious Fug of Benjamin Button

Fug file:

Based on the sheer number of e-mails we had about this outfit when I rolled out of bed and changed into my blogging pajamas, I expected to see Cate Blanchett wearing a lantern and a pair of Spanx on her head. In fact, I was actually surprised and disappointed to see her only wearing this:

Now, don't misunderstand: That is nuts. It's like she squeezed herself into a one-legged unitard and then had her stylist -- via an elaborate pulley system and/or a crane operator -- lower over it a dress made from glassware they sell at Pier 1 Imports. But Jessica and I were discussing that after doing this for so long, our reaction to this is, "Oh, Cate. OF COURSE." Because our girl loves a metallic, the shinier and more reflective the better, and she REALLY likes looking like a very attractive alien who has dropped by for a champagne cocktail while she contemplates whether she should turn our planet into a skirt.

So, yes, a big part of my brain is saying, "How can she walk in that thing without chafing her thighs, and also, why does she look like a Barbie that someone's little brother decided to partially mummify?" But another part is saying, "Step it up, Cate. We've been here. Elevate your loony glory to NEW levels of farcical folly." If anyone can, it's her.

December 8, 2008

Random Fug: Emma Snowdon-Jones

Fug file:

blinged out

Is it just me...

... or is this particular placement of her jewels a TAD on-the-nose?

December 8, 2008

Fug-Angel and the Hadley St. Fugs

Fug file:

basic (or unbasic) black

I'm starting to wonder if everything Solange wears is just because of a giant misunderstanding.

Like, maybe she pointed to some woman and said to her mother, "I like her suit," and Tina Knowles frowned and thought, "Hirsute? THAT'S MY GIRL," and the rest is furry history. Maybe in future they should communicate by chalkboard.

December 8, 2008

The Fugs

Fug file:

Remember the second season of The Hills, when Lo would just occasionally show up and be like, "Lauren, you have really bad taste in men," and LC would be like, "I know. Are you coming to Brody's tonight?" and Lo would be all, "I have a mid-term tomorrow," and then she'd leave, and we'd be all, "I just love Lo. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders! I wish she were around more," and now she is and we're all kind of like "eh." Because what we liked about her was that she was what I call the Get A Grip Friend -- the person who listens to you get hysterical about a boy/your financial problems/your hair/etc and then gently and with humor and love tells you to GET A GRIP. Which is refreshing on The Hills, because Grips of all sorts need to be gotten over there. And in this case, a Grip needs to be obtained regarding the subject of SATIN PANTS:

Not to mention very short, square tops, seemingly designed to showcase the evils wrought by said satin pants. Oh, Lo. I am afraid LC has fallen down on her Get A Grip duties, or else you never would have gone outside to be photographed in this. You should lure her into the kitchen for a vague discussion about this, full of staring into the middle distance and chewing on the ends of your respective pinkies. That should resolve things.

December 8, 2008

Fug or Fab: Hilary Duff

Fug file:

grey

Hi Hilary! I'm happy to see you out and about, too. Let's have a little chat, as Heidi Klum would say

Part of me likes this skirt, except for the fact that there's something about it that looks as though you took a tremendously huge set of grey flannel napkins and swiftly transformed them into a skirt -- like some kind of MacGuyver-inspired act of fashion that likewise necessitated your using a corset as a defacto napkin-waistband. Is it resourceful? If you were trapped, pantsless, in the home of an evil giant with a fetish for businesslike cloth napkins and could not bring yourself to escape wearing solely your tights and a tank top, then hell yes. If, on the other hand, this look was hatched in the safety of your walk-in closet, then I feel that there might have been other options open to you.

Please know, however, that you've been looking quite pretty lately otherwise and that if the rumor that you turned down a role on the new 90210 is true, I am quite proud.

poll by twiigs.com

December 5, 2008

Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson

Fug file:

dialogue,
yellow

Sigh. It has been what I will charitably refer to as A Week. So of course I would want to use a photo of ScarJo and Eva Mendes together, and of COURSE only one such photo would exist, and OF COURSE it would be the one photo that is not in our subscription. See, I don't have a whole lot to say about Eva Mendes on her own -- my feelings have been summed up in a story I already told on this site, about how a preview for her own MOVIE misspelled her name because clearly nobody was interested enough to spell-check it -- so I was counting on ScarJo to liven things up for us. But no.

And then I realized, screw it, y'all. It's Friday. I am in no mood, Universe. So I am going to MAKE THEM stand next to each other.

EVA: Oh, hey, Scarlett.

SCARLETT: Hi! God, you look fabulous. That dress is amazing on you.

EVA: That is so true. I'm totally smoking hot!.

SCARLETT: ... You're supposed to reciprocate the compliment, I think.

EVA: Oh, well, right, of course. Your dress isn't BAD at all, really. In fact it's way better than the micro-mini and refried-bandanna top you just wore yesterday. But I have to ask: Are you by any chance using the same stylist as Dakota Fanning?

SCARLETT: No! But even so, Dakota is adorable.

EVA: Yes. But she's also, like, a ninth-grader. You're married with cleavage. You could be wickedly scorching, like me, and instead I feel compelled to take you to an Easter egg hunt.

SCARLETT: Are you quite finished?

EVA: No. Here's another: I look like your wicked sexy English teacher and you look like you're writing a sequel to Our Town for your final project.

SCARLETT: You're nuts. I don't look that crazy childish.

EVA: Do too.

SCARLETT: Do not.

EVA: Do TOO.

SCARLETT: DO NOT.

EVA: DO TOO.

SCARLETT: DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT. MOOOOOOM!

EVA: Aha! See? I told you. I said you were channeling a ninth-grader and I'm totally right. I think I wore that to my junior-high graduation, come to think of it.

SCARLETT: Well, congratulations. I am not going to talk to you any more. No notes in your locker, no picking you for my team in volleyball, no sharing the same Bunsen burner. NOTHING. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

EVA: Actually, I feel great. And I certainly look fantastic, so hey, everybody wins! And by "everybody," I mean me.

SCARLETT: Oh, you're a lunatic. The public will defend me!

poll by twiigs.com

December 5, 2008

Fug or Fab the Cover: Britney Spears

Fug file:

Glamour

"Look, y'all! I totally didn't die! Don't lie: I KNOW you know you know I know you thought I was gonna buy the farm that time I shaved my head and hit that SUV with the umbrella, but truth is, I was just acting out, y'all. I feel like I sang "Lucky" over and over and over and over and over again and NO ONE HEARD the part where I was talking about how I cried cried cried in my lonely heart and if there was nothing in my yadda yadda why did the tears etc? That was the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THAT SONG, PEOPLE. AND NO ONE LISTENED. Ergo my incarceration and stuff. ANYHOODLE, I'm out now and let's get right to the point: I look GOOD again. My dad doesn't let me eat anything white and, sure, there are days when I think about those Melendez brothers or whatever their names are and I totally understand why they killed their parents but in the long rung, I am pretty sure he's right that I'm happier with six-pack abs. And now I'm back on magazines again and they're not all like, "BRITNEY: WHAT WENT WRONG" or "BRITNEY: CAN YOU LISTEN TO HER MEGAMIX WHILE DOING CARDIO WITHOUT FEELING REAL BAD ABOUT IT?" or whatever and boy am I relieved about that because everyone acting like I was going to kick it was totally embarrassing. Now I get to be all strong and have comebacks and be the underdog and stuff and everyone knows that's a way better story than someone who never had any problems in their life ever, JUSTIN. So anyway, I think I look awesome on this cover and my weave is fantastic for once unlike some people who have really bad highlights but think they're better than me just because they never hit anyone with their car, to which I say, WAIT TEN MINUTES JAMIE LYNN BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOO GOING TO WANT TO HIT WHATHISNAME YOUR BABY DADDY WITH YOUR CAR. You just are. Anyway, I like I look great, but apparently some people disagree, so I say we put it to a vote as America is a civil union, or something like that:"

poll by twiigs.com

December 5, 2008

The Fug Years

Fug file:

This is Charity Shea, whom you may recognize from the truly awful teen soap The Best Years, on The N. (And you know that if I thought it was truly awful, it was TRULY AWFUL.)

She must have been absent the day The N gathered up all its teen and tween stars and elucidated the different between "a shirt dress" and "a shirt." Either that, or we're just catching her between performances of Lumberjacks on Ice!

December 5, 2008

Fug or Fab: Kate Winslet

Fug file:

tanorexia

I've always sort of loved Kate Winslet, right down to how deliciously British her last name sounds. She seems like she'd be a laugh, her cameo on Extras ruled, and basically I imagine she'd be super fun over some pints and a game of darts at a pub. So whenever I hear somewhat negative stories about her and how her public image of awesomeness might not be entirely true to life, I tend to put my fingers in my ears and screech something by Jessica Simpson (seriously, however you feel about her, "A Public Affair" will cure you of ANYTHING that's stuck in your head unpleasantly) in the hope of blocking my brain from retaining the information.

But I can't decide how I feel about this. Now, I don't want to take anything away from how bodaciously curvy and curvily bodacious Kate Winslet looks here, but:

It's not very Kate Winslet, is it? Not that I want to pigeonhole her as a fair English rose for the rest of her life -- I imagine it sucks to be pigeonholed, not least because pigeons are detestably foul rodent-birds -- but because it's just a tad jarring. She looks less like a Winslet and more like a Wakefield. Seriously, I feel like this is what an adult Jessica Wakefield would look like if she a) were lucky; b) had lost her gold lavaliere that matched Elizabeth's, which she otherwise wore every day; and c) existed anywhere except the imaginations of people like me, who have heard whispers of a Sweet Valley High adult series and are desperately curious to know how that would work. You just KNOW that Lila Fowler grew up into an Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.

The point being, I can't decide if I like Kate Winslet: Blonde Bombshell, or Kate Winslet: Original Flavor, or both. Actually, if I had my druthers, I'd probably pick Kate Winslet: Titanic Edition, except minus the actual movie. But sometimes in life we don't get to choose.

poll by twiigs.com

December 4, 2008

Fug021fug

Fug file:

Dear Drunkface McCord,

I don't even know what to do with you:

[Photo:Splash]

Those tights + those boots + that scarf = accessories overload, dude. Pick one and stick with it. Not that I would be able to advise you which to choose, as each of your accessories is problematic for me:

1) The scarf: haven't you seen that scarf on nearly every person in town under 35 at some point in the last three years? Including Lauren Conrad. Just take ten minutes to think about that. But, of course, it's just a scarf. A scarf alone can not entirely constitute a fashion crime. Unless, I guess, that IS all you're wearing.

2) The stockings: I know these lace stockings are uber-trendy right now, and while I want to embrace them, part of me feels that they just look like you have incredibly thick and fanciful leg hair. On the other hand, if your leg hair were to grown in a lace pattern, it might be your duty as a productive member of society to share that.

3) The boots: they're just a bit...Mischa Barton, don't you think? Is that really the particular primrose path down which you want to trip?

I can't make this decision for you, Drunkface. But one -- or more -- of these items must be removed from your person. Think about it carefully and get back to me.

Can't Wait For Your Show To Be Cancelled -- Hope You're Still Friends With the People at Nip/Tuck,

Jessica

December 4, 2008

Fug or Fab: Debra Messing

Fug file:

flesh tones

This is the part where I confess that I totally TiVo The Starter Wife and often watch it on Sunday evenings while I paint my toenails (the recession has impacted my professional pedicure budget, which is unfortunate because my toes look like a preschooler attacked them with a red Sharpie). I'm not ashamed of this: it's kind of entertaining in a way that is sometimes legitimately entertaining and sometimes entertaining-due-to-being-TERRIBLE and her hair is pretty. Although the show was arguably funnier last year, when Deb Mess's character was dating a homeless man (who was also a MURDERER, like, is this supposed to be aspirational?) played by someone who went to the Wooden Block School of Thespianism, all of whose lines were clearly dubbed over later. Now she's dating someone only mildly less wooden, but this time at least he has a job (well, kind of: he's a washed up novelist, but at least he has an apartment, and isn't a killer. That we know of), even if his hair is really bad. Anyhoodle, what I'm trying to say is that I am sort of pleased that Debra Messing is back even though I really thought I didn't like her. I guess I was wrong. Which is also how I kind of feel about this:

It rather looks like the posh window treatments in a terribly, terribly fancy ballroom and yet, I kind of like it. Weird. I am just full of contradictions.

poll by twiigs.com

December 4, 2008

NYFug.com: 'The City' Forecast

Fug file:

Don't kid yourself. You are TOTALLY going to watch The City, that spin-off of The Hills that Whitney's in. You might not set the TiVo, and you may not watch it regularly, but let's not lie. There WILL be a day when you're (a) home sick, (b) stuck in a hotel room on a business trip, (c) confined on house-arrest, and it will be on TV and you will watch it. You might hate yourself for it, but don't. It happens to the best of us. In fact, just this week, Heather and I watched the preview for it like 500 times, all so that we could make an attempt at predicting what kind of quasi-scripted shenanigans lie ahead for Miss Port:

"Whitney Will Do What She Does Best: And no, we're not talking about whatever her ostensible job is at Diane Von Furstenberg (we'll set odds on The Great One actually making a personal appearance at 100:1). On The Hills, Whitney offered serene head-nodding and vague advice about boys, both of which dominate her moments here. Just once we want to see her punch a wall."

To find out what else we think will happen to old Whitney in the big bad city, read the whole column here. And feel free to comment on who you think the new Spencer is going to be. We'll be happy as long as the new Spencer is not the old Spencer. Because he WOULD be willing to play the Evil Genius Villain bi-coastally. You know he would.

December 4, 2008

Fuglight

Fug file:

So, after careful consideration of approximately three minutes, I've decided Twilight would work a lot better for me on ice. Think about it: Pairs figure skating, much like the book itself, is all about melodrama, separation and reunion, and invading each others' personal space in a sexually unsatisfying way. All of Edward's condescending yearning and stalking would be way more fun if he were doing it while flitting about the rink in puffy shirts and tight trousers, tossing off triple Axels of romantic angst and throwing Bella into the air before catching her with one hand (subtext: "You must not love me BUT I LOVE YOU but stay away BUT NOT TOO FAR AWAY let me stare at you NO I MUSTN'T but I will LET ME TOE-LOOP MY FEELINGS don't look at me EXCEPT DO I am dangerous TIME TO SPARKLE"). Meanwhile, boring Bella, who in the text generally just repeats herself ad nauseum about how Edward's face/chest/voice/muscles/eyes/lips/piano talent/strength/secret macrame projects are more beautiful and perfect than anything in the human realm, could spend the rest of the time enacting a metaphor for her inner monologue by spinning over and over again until Edward rescues her from herself. Throw in some multicolored spotlights and the whole thing is practically begging for an Olympic ice-skating duo to reinterpret it at the Vancouver 2010 games.

Apparently Kristen Stewart is way ahead of me on this.

December 4, 2008

Vicfugria's Secret

Fug file:

There's a point at which I think it's impossible to question Heidi Klum wearing something super tiny and short -- even if it's wrinkling in a way that makes it look like it has a fish mouth. I mean, she's Heidi Klum. She probably can't help it. I'm sure it's really hard being inescapably hot. She probably TRIES to leave the house in track pants and army boots, but by the time she gets anywhere, OOPS, her legs have freed themselves of their own accord and she's back to wearing a glorified napkin-slash-origami mail slot. I grieve for her.

What I DON'T understand is why she's wearing bear traps on her feet when a nice strappy sandal would work just as nicely -- and with less bone damage. I guess these are the perils of being a supermodel in the wild. You never know what nefarious plot is going to entrap your ankles. Come to think of it, that sounds an awful lot like it will turn into an America's Next Top Model runway challenge. Maybe hunting and outdoor-equipment stores should agree in advance to decline J. Alexander's MasterCard.

December 3, 2008

Fug in Translation

Fug file:

terribly short

"That's right, plebians! Gaze on the Johansson! Behold my nubile glory! Witness a sliver of the misguided tattoo I got for Ryan Reynolds, because that always works out so well! Implore me to pull my skirt down an inch or two! Sob as I ignore your words of wisdom! SOB, FOOLS!"

December 3, 2008

A Wee Chrismahanukwanzakah Reminder

Fug file:

housekeeping

Why does Intern George look so happy? Because he just found out that he's going to be getting a copy of our book, The Fug Awards, for Festivus. Don't you want the George in your life to be so full of child-like glee? You know you do. I am admittedly biased, but I am pretty sure it's the most amazing book you will ever read. Or at least something that's diverting to flip through while you sit in an airport at some point in this upcoming holiday season, bored out of your mind but too lazy to fish your laptop out of your carry-on. It's all new material, so reading it is kind of like procrastinating on GFY, except that you can drop the book in the bathtub without electrocuting yourself.. It's also currently only $13 something or other at Amazon, so you won't bankrupt yourself if you pick up a couple for your own devilishly handsome interns. Or, you know, your mom or whatever.

In other news, all GFY shirts are currently sold out. Thank you so much for making us the shirt on your back. And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming!

December 3, 2008

Mad Fug and Glory

Fug file:

UMA THURMAN: Hi, honey!

ARPAD BUSSON: Hey there

UMA: I love that suit on you!

ARPAD: And it is always nice to see you.

UMA: Well, yeah. We're engaged. I would hope so. Do you like what I'm wearing?

ARPAD: You are a beautiful woman.

UMA: Yes, but my outfit?

ARPAD: You are so talented and intelligent.

UMA: That is not an answer.

ARPAD: Your body is AMAZING. I mean, just look at your hot ass. Also, I like your hair.

UMA: I can't believe you don't like this outfit!

ARPAD: Dude, half of you looks like you're freezing and the other half looks like you just strolled up to the poolside bar for a mojito.

UMA: What are you even talking about?

APRAD: I can not understand why you're cold enough to wear a turtleneck and a coat up top and warm enough to wear essentially flip flops down below!

UMA: My hot ass keeps me warm from the waist down. I thought that was obvious.

APRAD: I should have known.

December 3, 2008

Little Fug

Fug file:

"Oh, whatever, look at me all you want -- this is totally all a dream. I would never actually chop off my hair with a weedwhacker, I would never be allowed to run around town looking like I hadn't slept in three days, and I would TOTALLY never follow up an episode of Gossip Girl where my character tricked Vanessa into wearing a see-through dress by wearing a semi-transparent one myself. Like, I'm SO SURE. As IF I would let people see through to where my tights stop and my torso starts. You people are hilarious. There's no way I am conscious right now. I just fell asleep doing my Algebra homework and had a nightmare about getting my hair caught in the disposal and my subconscious is turning it into a 25-part series where I had to learn from my mistake and grow out my hair, and... well, although, I will grant you that this has been a really LONG dream... I am going to have some wicked morning breath when I wake up. But I will wake up. Because that is THE ONLY WAY this makes sense. Now pass me some mouthwash."

December 3, 2008

Fugba and Knowlfugs

Fug file:

They say three is a trend, so we're two-thirds of the way there with a really weird little accessory that's popped up in the past few weeks. First let's study its most recent incarnation, on the midsection of the misguidedly banged Jessica Alba:

Ignoring for a moment the giant bow on her shoulder, the shoes that kind of look like they were fashioned out of a booth at Johnny Rockets, and the fact that the overall cut is reminiscent of a badly home-sewn oven mitt, I can't quite figure out the point of all that hoo-ha at her waist. It looks like a junk drawer in an antiques store, where they toss all the stuff they can't be bothered to fix. It doesn't help that her facial expression is about as thrilled as if she actually DID accidentally glue her great aunt's jewelry box to her midriff and now has to figure out a way to sneak the dress back to the designer without having to pay to fix it. Indeed, were I a designer, I'm not sure I'd be that stoked to have her wearing my clothes, if the only facial expression she can muster says, "The only thing I cherish MORE than a root canal without anesthetic is this f'ing dress." Fix the bitchface, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, back to the belt. Beyonce Knowles did something similar earlier in the week:

Continue reading Fugba and Knowlfugs.

December 2, 2008

The Fuggards of Fuggerly Place

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You know, even in my ripe age, I try to be good about keeping up with These Kids Today -- but I just have not been able to tell apart Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. They're both Disney-type starlets, they both sing, they're both (presumably) chomping at the bit to be the next Miley Cyrus. In fact, in my head, I remembered the following photo as being Demi Lovato, and had a whole rant planned about how I finally learned to pick her out of a crowd because I watched her butcher the national anthem at the Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game with a bunch of off-key shouty runs and melismas -- seriously, people, it cannot be said enough: the national anthem is NOT ABOUT YOU -- and how she has a perfectly good voice on its own merits and didn't need to wail all those adornments and GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS.

Then, of course, I rechecked, and this is NOT Demi Lovato. It's Selena Gomez. So I am back to square one, ironing my cranky pants in the hope of getting to wear them for real soon. Behold:

[Photo: Splash News]

The good news for Selena is that she has NOT, to my knowledge, stepped all over "The Star-Spangled Banner" on national television. So in the battle between indistinguishable brunette Disney starlets, she wins on that front. The bad news for her is, she will now be in my memory as The One Who Looks Like A Pot-Pourri Sachet. I want to think it's cute and whimsical, but with the sequins AND the fake flowers AND the giant belt, it's all a bit overdone. She comes off less like a coolly hip young actress than as something that should be attached to a place card at an evening wedding.

poll by twiigs.com

December 2, 2008

Fug or Fab: The Weekend Wardrobe of Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham

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fur,
wearing white

Recently, Heather and I were talking to a British publication about Posh Spice, and the consensus on their side seemed to be that Posh was an over-exposed pain in the behind. Whereas on our side, the consensus (of two) was that she was AWESOME and needed never to leave Los Angeles, because one day we hope to run into her at CVS buying fungal cream or something. Especially if she's wearing THIS:

Is she some kind of international spy, too busy to get her trousers hemmed? And wouldn't it be a thrilling bit of gossip if it turned out that Posh WAS an international spy, and the whole bit with the Spice Girls was just her cover, so she could travel to foreign lands and gain access to a variety of venues more easily? I've decided that's true. After all, who but a glamorous international spy wears a trench coat, a fedora and SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT? I treasure her.

Later, of course, she went undercover:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: The Weekend Wardrobe of Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham.

December 2, 2008

Fug the Cover: Julianne Moore

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Tatler

Geez, I don't know if "dazzling" would have been the word I would have choosen for this cover. "Awkward" springs to mind. Or even "uncomfortable." Possibly "afflicted with a sore neck," or "tense." Maybe even "mildly nervous" and "slightly scared." Or, "this was just the test shot to make sure the lighting was right." Potentially, "Julianne had a weird medical procedure earlier in the day that left her temporarily unable to move her arms." I'd even accept "she has a gun at her back," or "this woman is just dying to pick a very uncomfortable wedgie; it's all she can think about." But "dazzling?" Sadly, no.

December 2, 2008

Pour Fug

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Other than the surprise transparency in the back, I did appreciate Diane Kruger's last homage to Grace Kelly. This one, however, leaves me cold:

For one thing, it's SO minimalist that it's desperately plain. She looks like she's on her way to her unassuming third wedding, possibly taking place at City Hall in front of a justice of the peace, with no witnesses except the doorman at her apartment building and a long-lost cousin -- and a honeymoon that consists of dinner at the local Italian joint and a really good book. Also, what's with the lumpy chestal region? If I didn't know better, I'd think she was either strapping them down with an Ace bandage or providing an example to girls everywhere of how NOT to stuff your bra with cotton.

My bigger objection, though, is Diane's apparently raging case of stumpophrenia. Grace Kelly at least managed to look like something of a gazelle in just about everything -- fluid, floaty, willowy even if she wasn't. By contrast, Diane Kruger merely looks like she might be living a life without knees. Kind of like a Peanuts or South Park character, but without the benefit of being fake and having someone who can draw you onto a chair, or whose simple pen-stroke can make you bop along the street without needing to bend your leg. It's tragic. If I didn't know she had killer gams buried under there, I'd be begging you to give generously so this poor soul could realize her dream of knee implants. Maybe Intern George, Ph.D., should counsel her through the tough times. I can see it now: Diane would say, "George, I dream of being able to do Tae Bo!", and he'd be all, "Maybe your destiny is to be a conqueror of the HEART!", and she'd reply, "George, you're so wise!", and he'd quip witlessly, "You wouldn't say that if you saw my roundhouse kick!" And we'd be left wondering why everyone only speaks in exclamation points, and why humor seems to have gone the way of her knees.

December 1, 2008

Fugxie Geldof

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Readers! We must discuss Pixie Geldof -- sister of Peaches and fellow Girl About Town. Behold!

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

I know! This is...yes. It IS. I don't know WHAT it is, but I know that it IS. It seems cozy and It also seems fuzzy and warm and I suspect that at one point, It had an audition for The Muppet Show, but now It is just happy to be a coat for a British party girl in a wacky turban-headband and seriously freaking crazy shoes. I envy It, rather. Think of all the shenanigans It has witnessed, traveling around on Pixie Geldof, and all the gossip It has heard from, say, Kate Moss's fur or Kelly Osborne's cape. You know It has some stories to tell. If only coats could talk.

December 1, 2008

Fug or Fab: Shenae Grimes

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90210

I don't know what it is about Shenae Grimes, but there's something about her that just makes me want to smack her. Is that uncharitable?

[Photo: Splash News]

I think it's, in part, because she's really not very good on 90210: The New Class, which is saying a lot because, in general, 90210: The New Class makes Saved By The Bell: The College Years look like The Sopranos: The Heyday. I think it's also because she makes this face a lot, which is like some kind of cousin to Drunkface -- a condition in which you look totally drunk all the time, even if you are not (see Grimes's castmate AnnaLynne McCord) -- and Bitchface, which is, of course, when you just look totally bitchy all the time, even if you're actually delightful. This, on the other hand, is sort of like...Smugface. Which is actually the worst affliction of all: drunks can be fun, and bitches can be funny, but the smug are solely irritating. Also, I don't know how I feel about her boots. But I think I'd quite like the dress on anyone else, much as it pains me to say so.

poll by twiigs.com

December 1, 2008

Fugly Dust

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bad hair

Recently we've both been sort of taken with Paris Hilton's hair, but suddenly it's gone from being a dapper head-suit to looking like a moldy old powder-blue tuxedo somebody yanked from a trunk in the attic:

[Photo: Splash News]

I mean, that's not an Heiress 2008 coif -- that's a quasi-mullet last seen in some girl's senior yearbook photo from 1988 alongside a hand-picked Richard Marx lyric, then dredged up as a "before" photo for when said lady ends up on Jerry Springer accusing her high-school sweetheart husband of sleeping with his manager at Smart & Final while sporting the exact same hairdo and a mean left hook.

December 1, 2008

British Independent Film Awards Fug Carpet: Sienna and Keira

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KEIRA: Um, Sienna? What are you doing?

SIENNA: Shh, be quiet. I'm trying to do your silent pouty thing where you look kind of coy and cross and hungry all at once.

KEIRA: Not bad, not bad. But it's better when you open your lips up a little bit.

SIENNA: You mean, like this?

Continue reading British Independent Film Awards Fug Carpet: Sienna and Keira.

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