They say three is a trend, so we're two-thirds of the way there with a really weird little accessory that's popped up in the past few weeks. First let's study its most recent incarnation, on the midsection of the misguidedly banged Jessica Alba:
Ignoring for a moment the giant bow on her shoulder, the shoes that kind of look like they were fashioned out of a booth at Johnny Rockets, and the fact that the overall cut is reminiscent of a badly home-sewn oven mitt, I can't quite figure out the point of all that hoo-ha at her waist. It looks like a junk drawer in an antiques store, where they toss all the stuff they can't be bothered to fix. It doesn't help that her facial expression is about as thrilled as if she actually DID accidentally glue her great aunt's jewelry box to her midriff and now has to figure out a way to sneak the dress back to the designer without having to pay to fix it. Indeed, were I a designer, I'm not sure I'd be that stoked to have her wearing my clothes, if the only facial expression she can muster says, "The only thing I cherish MORE than a root canal without anesthetic is this f'ing dress." Fix the bitchface, is what I'm saying.
Anyway, back to the belt. Beyonce Knowles did something similar earlier in the week:
Ignoring for a moment the giant bow on her shoulder, the shoes that kind of look like they were fashioned out of a booth at Johnny Rockets, and the fact that the overall cut is reminiscent of a badly home-sewn oven mitt, I can't quite figure out the point of all that hoo-ha at her waist. It looks like a junk drawer in an antiques store, where they toss all the stuff they can't be bothered to fix. It doesn't help that her facial expression is about as thrilled as if she actually DID accidentally glue her great aunt's jewelry box to her midriff and now has to figure out a way to sneak the dress back to the designer without having to pay to fix it. Indeed, were I a designer, I'm not sure I'd be that stoked to have her wearing my clothes, if the only facial expression she can muster says, "The only thing I cherish MORE than a root canal without anesthetic is this f'ing dress." Fix the bitchface, is what I'm saying.
Anyway, back to the belt. Beyonce Knowles did something similar earlier in the week:
It's seriously like some kind of tool-belt for accessories. A Swiss-Army wrap for people who expect they'll need to MacGyver themselves something vital -- a new wig, say, or a jacket made out of a paper clip and scrap metal.
Of course, the waist adornments also could be trophies of the people she and Jessica Alba have RUINED because they dared to cross them. My mind's eye can see B sitting at home, a robotic smile on her face as she lovingly attaches that spiny silver thing to her charm belt after prying it off Solange's favorite bustier, or affectionately polishing the giant brooch that Lil' Kim once tried to wear as a bra. That would mean it's not merely an accessory; it's a belt of REVENGE. Which, thanks to the small but potent kernel of my soul that is the imaginary love child of Karl Lagerfeld and Joan Collins, makes me like it a whole lot more.
