Listen, J.Lo.Hew, we have to talk.
[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]
Don't look at me like that, missy, because I'm only here to help. Here's the thing: I know times are rough right now. You just broke up with Liebgott from Band of Brothers, Us Weekly did a whole cover story alleging you are a neurotic mess who refused to wear anything that wasn't a size 4 or lower even when you weren't, you lost a boatload of weight you didn't need to lose in a really short amount of time that probably left you hungry and crabby all the time, you're stuck in this horrible storyline on Ghost Whisperer where they killed your hot husband and saw his spirit jump into a way less hot dude's body and your character is trying to date him, and you're in shock that it turned out that Jay Mohr was the glue of the show and that now he's gone things are bleak with Jamie Kennedy in there as his proxy. I get that it's probably really hard for you right now. And I wish it weren't, because I like you. But wearing rugs from the clearance rack at Cost Plus/World Market is NOT the answer. And it's a very slippery slope. First you're turning your throw rug into a cape, and then all of a sudden, you're hitting the supermarket in slippers with a bathmat wrapped around your boobs, and finally someone spies you at CBS parties in a Snuggie with your hair in curlers, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette stuffed with things from your spice rack and jammed into a holder you bought on eBay for twenty bucks at 3 a.m.
Don't let the bastards WIN, J.Lo.Hew. You can beat this. If you have to put on boots specifically so you can yank yourself up by their straps, then do it. Just take off the carpet first.
