March 2009 Archives

Well, I can see why Madonna is pals with Stella McCartney -- if I could see anyone in these studded bootaloons, it'd be Madge, probably while on-stage wearing a top hat and carrying nunchucks.



But the rest of it... what gives, Stella? You're a designer. Either you are being a very poor advertisement indeed for your own clothes, or you're wearing someone else's mishap that people will ASSUME is yours; either way, you take the fall for your chest looking off-center. SURELY you can do better than something that appears to have been sketched, fitted, and stitched by a sleepwalking monkey who is allergic to measuring tape.

Oh, PETE.

Riddle me this, Whitney Port:


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

How are you not bedridden with the flu all the time? How has your immune system not gone on strike because your refusal to wear pants is forcing it to work countless hours of unpaid overtime? I get that it's been in the 50s in New York, and that's great and all, but it's still pants weather. Now, maybe those are thermal; maybe they're cotton. But they are not real pants. See the overgrown Jonas Brother lookalike next to you? He's wearing real pants. See that woman in the distance walking away from you? Real pants. AND a long coat. I bet if you were to open the doors to random taxicabs, you'd see pants. Pants, pants, pants. And you'd probably think, "What are these fabric sheaths everyone calls 'pants'?" because OBVIOUSLY NO ONE HAS TAUGHT YOU.

Oh, and one more thing:

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs (2) LADY GAGA

I'm tired of staring at Lady Gaga's crotch. So, I leave it to you to go back through our other Fug Madness posts and revisit the nude bodysuit, the Little Red Riding Hood leotard, and the bedazzled panties, because I'd just rather not gawk at Gaga's gaga today. Instead, let's take a look at some of what she picks when she's decided to keep the Bat Cave hidden:


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

This is what the tour guides wear when -- spectacularly missing the meaning of the name -- they lead a group through Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

And this is what people wear when they want it to look like Molly Ringwald's character from Pretty In Pink designed their dream Ice Capades wedding dress:

I don't know. This just doesn't look, to me, like something a woman would wear if she just snagged £24.5 million in a divorce settlement and could purchase anything in the world she wants.



Well, unless the woman in question fancies herself some kind of cross between Sharon Stone and Paris Hilton. And I suspect that is the exact effect Heather Mills is trying to achieve, via mastering the art of spending a lot to appear as if she spent very little. That's the opposite of what most sane, rational people do... but, again, see above, re: this is Heather Mills we're dealing with here. Not exactly a bastion of good sense. Or good taste. Or good anything.

You know, we may have hit upon a career for Kim Kardashian whenever the world FINALLY gets sick of watching her family's reality show.



She can star in the Oxygen original series Xena: Warrior Planner, in which the titular heroine -- no longer battling enemies in the wild after getting her feet chopped off by Gabrielle in a tragic S&M accident -- applies her unique brand of aggressively breasted ass-kicking to organizing really contentious weddings. 

Do you think this outfit is supposed to be symbolic? Like, that Paula feels trapped -- bound by the whipping, chafing chains of being on a high-profile national show like American Idol and having to meet everyone's weekly expectations that she try to look younger and stranger and more in-tune with These Kids Today every time she makes an appearance? To the point where all the stress and pressure chills her to the elbow and forearm bones?



Or do we think she's just still a total loon by nature?

I think I vote the latter.

Wow, last week was jam-packed with amazing games -- in particular, I had a moment there where I thought Katie Price really might turn spoiler and upset our favorite Pantless Wonder, Lady Gaga -- and the upcoming rounds promise to be even more nail-biting. Want a preview of the match-ups scheduled to make your brain implode this week? Read on:

Most of Kate Walsh's outfit seems cute and casual for a dinner out on the town in L.A.


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

But I can't get behind the hat. I don't know why. Well, I do: I don't like that kind of hat. But also, straw fedoras just don't scream "Kate Walsh" to me. Ashlee Simpson? Possibly. Juliette Lewis? Probably. Michael Douglas, as he strolls some Caribbean beach in linen pants and espadrilles? Definitely. Kate Walsh, however, does not share a vibe with any of those people. It's just WEIRD to me, like if Demi Moore started showing up at various local restaurants wearing a fez.

Also... is that Rachael Harris standing behind her? And if so, why is Rachael Harris wearing an Ace bandage wrapped around the outside of her shirt? Did the shirt cut itself at dinner? Did she spill marinara, or some ruinous acid, on it? If it's NOT Rachael Harris... well, then, carry on, Random Lady. We have no business with you.

[Photo: Splash News]

PETE WENTZ: Ashlee? You're supposed to be smiling more.

ASHLEE SIMPSON-WENTZ: Pete? Honey pie? You're not smiling either.

PETE: You're the one who said, "Oh, everyone thinks we're having marital problems. We have to be HAPPY."

ASHLEE: Just because I'm not showing my teeth doesn't mean I'm not smiling. See? I have an upturn to my mouth. I'm just being STYLISH. What's your excuse?

PETE: My excuse is that you're not being stylish, and I'm aggravated.

ASHLEE: Said the boy whose pants are riding up over his socks.

PETE: Seriously, what are you wearing?

ASHLEE: It's FABULOUS. You just don't get it. I sewed a cape onto my dress in the shape of an infant sling! That way, I can wear this and bring the baby out with us. Or just use it as my purse. Or just remind everyone that I am both hip AND a grounded mother who always has her child in her heart.

PETE: It's insane. You look like a witch. You're going to catch that thing on a chair and fall over and concuss yourself and probably get amnesia, and THEN where will we be?!?

ASHLEE: On the cover of People?

PETE: ... Hmm. Actually, that's not a bad silver lining. Just try not to have the kid in it when it happens.

I confess, I still think this is about 97 percent fab:


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

But... Is her groin FROWNING at me? What could I possibly have done to offend her pelvic region? We don't even know each other. Maybe her nethers just really hate Fug Madness. Well, too bad, Nethers. You won't win THAT one.

(2) KATY PERRY vs. (3) AGYNESS DEYN

We've seen Agyness be boyish. We've seen Agyness be shredded and dishevelled. We've seen Agyness dressed as some kind of Cirque du Soleil character from my nightmares. But what happens when Agy tries to be, you know, fancy?


[Photo: WENN.com]

How sad -- I didn't realize Agyness got electocuted at her Disney Princess Birthday Bash.

And this is... rough:


[Photo: WENN.com]

She kind of looks like a homeless woman who, having once been rich and refusing to give up her favorite fur, went dumpster-diving at a bridal store to find an appropriately shiny dress to wear with it.

Actually, the pink reminds me of something her opponent Katy Perry wore to the Grammys -- the one with the giant corsage stapled to a napkin and glued to her stomach. But since (unlike Agyness) we're all already rather familiar with Katy's super-girly clothes -- from the boob eyes to the irritatingly cutesy hot-pants phase -- let's do the opposite for her, and see what happens when La Perry attempts pants:

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (4) MADONNA

I don't even know what there is to say about these two that hasn't yet been said. So let's just speak in pictures:

(6) JULIETTE LEWIS vs. (7) COURTNEY LOVE

As so often happens with Cinderella contenders, our recesses of accidentally missed -- or not-yet-regurgitated -- material for these two ladies have almost run dry. So now, more than ever, check out Juliette and Courtney's respective archives for a refresher course.

You will get to relive this:



Based on that stiff stance, I'm not totally sure she can move or sit down in those tight satin shorts. I'm also afraid they're cutting off all the blood flow to both her pelvis and her legs, and our girl can't get up to her usual gyrating, shirt-pulling-up, crotch-thrusting stage antics if her lower half is as taut as a noodle. For safety reasons ALONE, these should be burned.

Somewhere along the way, though, we did miss this little gem:

Hey, we're as surprised as you are:

"We personally weren't sure we wanted life lessons from someone who once publicly sported angry bruises resembling incompetent hickeys because she'd undergone an obscure detoxification procedure. However, six months into the life of Goop.com, here's the dirty little secret we have to confess: It's totally addictive."

No, no. We mean it. But maybe not for the reasons you're suspecting. Check out the entire column at NY Mag.com

(1) SWINTON vs. (5) BEYONCE

How apt that SWINTON became a one-named wonder just in time to compete against a woman who may not need a surname, but who has an alter ego named Sasha Fierce just in case she needs a scapegoat for willingly wearing things like this:



SWINTON needs no scapegoat. SWINTON is simply SWINTON, and she swintons herself in swintonian things like this with nary a thought of deflecting blame:

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (12) LISA RINNA

By now, Lisa Rinna's cleavage -- of both chest and thigh/crotch -- has been burned on your brains, although feel free to revisit them as part of your research in making this deeply important decision. And even though she has admitted that her cheeks, at least, are man-made, we're steering clear of discussing anything she may or may not have done to her face. So all that's left is to examine what she wears when she's covering things up instead of whipping them out:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Even with all that fabric, this is a peekaboo moment just waiting to happen, and indeed her nipples are trying to make it so as best they can. On the plus side, you could hang her on a yacht mast and she'd sail you straight to Catalina Island.

Lisa hasn't been featured enough on the site to have her own archive -- yet -- but we have also marveled at her lengthy marriage to leopard print and her Joan Collins hair, so drink those in as well.

Conversely, her competitor Aubrey has had a hugely prolific Year of Fuggery that includes this fur monstrosity, this glorified nightie, this multicolored puffball, and... you know what? IT'S ALL BAD. Seriously. All of it. And that archive, somehow, doesn't even include this:

Oh, jumpsuits. Will you ever go away?



Don't answer that question. The truth of the matter is that Christina Hendricks here looks pretty good in said jumpsuit, which surprises me in that (a) I always assumed that the jumpsuit was best suited for the very tiniest of our female brethren, (b) her boob-wrangling track record is not the greatest, although of course she is herself quite a dish. That being said, I must admit that I am scared of what this looks like from other angles. As we've learned from Poor Sad Jessica Simpson: Child of Tragedy, the BACK of the jumpsuit is often where things fall apart. And yet I have no shot of the rear view. Which means I must give the thumbs up or down based solely on instinct.

Poor lamb.



She learned the hard way that her bedroom valance didn't have QUITE enough material to do the whole dress. That's the problem with taking The Sound of Music too seriously. Sometimes, you just don't have enough in your house to make seven rounds of lederhosen and jumpers. I suppose we're just lucky Isabella didn't turn to using her horizontal blinds out of desperation.

Aw, Janet!

There is something delicious about this:



From the neck down, she looks like a bored kid in 11th grade biology class, circa 1991. She's supposed to be learning about, like, cell division or whatever, but the girl wearing this skirt with that top is actually thinking about whether or not that rad Hypercolors tee shirt she's been thinking about getting is still for sale or not and wondering if that cute boy Jason really likes her or if he just kind of likes her and if he just kind of likes her is there anything she can do about it and if there is anything she can do about it what IS THAT THING?

From the neck up, obviously, she's just channeling Michael Stipe. At least it's appropriate for the era.

Wow, Round Two brought some really close contests -- the kind that had me hitting refresh a lot to see if the lagging celebrity could corral enough support to make up a bare one or two percentage points. Several high seeds fell, and Paris Hilton and Madonna were neck-and-neck for a good chunk of Tuesday morning, which is probably a lot closer to Paris than Madge has ever been or would ever want to be.

Want to see how it all turned out, and what's coming next? Read on...

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (12) LISA RINNA-- Thursday, March 26

It was truly awesome watching people debate the merits/demerits of Aubrey O'Day and Phoebe Price, and the matchup was close: Aubrey got 52 percent of the vote to stay alive.  Lisa Rinna continues to be a Cinderella story of this tournament, knocking off another high seed in Sarah Jessica Parker -- and pretty convincingly, with 69 percent of the vote.

(6) JULIETTE LEWIS vs. (7) COURTNEY LOVE -- Friday, March 27

These two giant-killers booted No. 3 seed Taylor Momsen and No. 2 Lindsay Lohan, respectively -- the second year (in our whopping two-year history) that a high-seeded LiLo hasn't even SNIFFED at the Elite Eight, much less the Final Four. And neither game was as close as we expected: Juliette drew loyalty from two-thirds of you, whereas Courtney Love had almost three-quarters of the vote over Lindsay.

I'm starting to wonder if Paris Hilton has had a mental break.


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

That dress is so '80s Soap Opera, it's insane -- she could be on a cover of Soap Opera Digest as a "Who Shot J.R.?" suspect, or the Other Woman who wandered into someone's lavish wedding with a shotgun and a baby. As it is, she is a turban and a cigarette holder away from being a new Norma Desmond, gliding cluelessly around in her crazy-lady face paint and fan dress and slurring, "I AM big. It's the REALITY SHOWS that got small."

Her budding insanity may also have contributed to the following:

Let's get one thing straight: Geri Halliwell is looking amazing: She deserves only props for how hot she is. 



So why not leave SOMETHING to the imagination? Or, at the very least, go for something that doesn't so tragically mishandle her lovely lady lumps and/or makes her look a bit like the car hop at the world's fanciest drive-in burger joint? Not that she wouldn't make a cute car hop. I'm just wondering if the alternative wasn't considered...

I don't know who this Tiana Silliphant is -- Google suggests she was married to the dude who wrote The Poseidon Adventure -- but she clearly WANTS people to know her.



Why else would she show up to a Broadway opening night dressed like she just broken into Bai Ling's closet? She looks like the bareback rider for an adults-only circus. For an extra $15, she'll twirl your baton.

I don't know much about horses except how to bet on them, but I do know this:


[Photo: Splash News]

If I ever decide to go riding, the FIRST things I'm going to don are my knee-socks, pumps, and velour hot pants with matching hoodie. Because open, oozing saddle sores are the new black.

(4) JOAQUIN PHOENIX vs. (5) VICTORIA "POSH" BECKHAM

So, here's my question: Do you think Reese Witherspoon looks at Joaquin Phoenix today and thinks, "Damn, that dude was completely method-smitten with me while we shot Walk The Line. I could have tapped that. I TOTALLY dodged a bullet there"?

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Because really, whether he's faking it or not, who among us saw THAT coming? He's turned into the love child of a Bee Gee and Bruce Vilanch.

However, JQ here might have stumbled upon a solution to his appearance problems:

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs. (9) MICKEY ROURKE

When Mickey Rourke landed in this bracket, I turned to Jessica and said, "Oh my God, I wish they would get married. She'd be Bjork Rourke." Say it out loud. It's fun. Almost as fun as the image of them hitting the town together in their various batty ensembles. Most people say that the best thing to come of The Wrestler was a second chance for Mickey Rourke, but I say the primary benefit to society was a second chance for Mickey Rourke to wow us all with his special-occasion wardrobe. It's no secret that he's got very, er, LOUD and eclectic tastes, and frankly, I like it that way:

This isn't just at any old party. It's the Vanity Fair Oscar bash. And while I know Mickey didn't win, I find it hilarious that he changed out of his suit and into Western gear that looks like he bought it in a Vegas gift shop, plus the pants he wore last weekend to weed the garden. And flowered sneakers.

Although, at least flowered sneakers are intended to be used as shoes. These, not so much:

It may be that, after a week of digging through our archives to put Fug Madness together, I have become immune to certain things. It's like the GFY version of spending the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder, so that the next time I get embroiled in a battle of wits that somehow involves looking at pictures of hideous things, I will, like the Dread Pirate Roberts, prevail. Now I just need to remember not to get involved in a land war in Asia. All that being said, I feel like Ol' Drunkface here looks pretty cute:

On the second day of hot Round 1 action, we only had one upset -- although I think a lot of us will be greatly upset by one of the non-upsets. Dig it?

Well, if not, you will. Let's check out the results and the Round 2 matchups we'll be featuring on Tuesday morning.

(3) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (6) JULIETTE LEWIS

In a comparatively sedate year for Diane Kruger, her opponent Juliette Lewis had little trouble toppling her, grabbing 78 percent of the vote en route to a Round 2 clash with Taylor Momsen. Little J looked fuglier to 70 percent of you, effectively putting back the charge from Shenae Grimes. Aw, but don't cry, Shenae -- we're sure you have a long career of fug ahead of you.

(2) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (7) COURTNEY LOVE

Tragically overtanned Amanda Bynes was no match for clumsily overtanned -- yet, bizarrely, also a self-tanning mogul in the making -- Lindsay Lohan. Our LiLo snagged a massive majority: 91 percent of the vote. She'll face off against the similarly sloppy Courtney Love, who downed Renee Zellweger with her own strong showing of 78-percent support.

Want to see of whom you will NOT be seeing more this tournament? Grab your hankies:

Not so much, Tyra.


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

If you wore those pants to one of your own judgings, you'd lecture yourself about how a model has to learn how to dress, so she can walk into the room looking both edgy and unique and like a blank slate; oozing personality but also being bland enough not to offend anyone; understanding that high-waisted cargo-breeches that make it appear you have wet yourself with fear are NEVER okay unless you're doing an ad for Depends.

And then you'd make put yourself in the bottom two, because that week's photo shoot did not pertain to Things That Happen To You When You're Five, and you'd proceed to cut yourself for not having any kind of sexy disease -- unless the girl next to you doesn't have one, either, in which case you'd decide to keep yourself on the grounds that incontinence needs a new Beautiful Young Face. Then you'd have yourself on your talk show and get a People cover headlined, "Who You Callin' Urine-Soaked?!?"

All of which probably sounds kind of appealing to you. But since we don't want to look at those pants ever again, we'd all prefer it if you went home and changed.

I am strangely attracted to this.



The hair is sassy. The shoes are random enough to be interesting but not so much that they repel me with the rest of it. Yes, it's short, but but obscenely so -- and frankly, it's nice to see Reese having a bit of fun with the fact that she's got really insanely awesome quad muscles right now, given that she trends toward the prim a bit.

And I don't even hate the dress. It's kind of cool. But I do have to acknowledge that it ALSO could pass as a class craft project she and Ava worked on using old streamers, or the uniform of a new superhero tasked exclusively with protecting the secret recipes of Wrigley's Spearmint and Doublemint chewing gums, and preventing kids from sticking their nasty old masticated wads under tables. The image of Reese angrily supervising a bunch of ten-year olds as they chip away at hardened gum pellets underneath their desks is basically the only thing keeping me from getting on board.

(3) BAI LING vs. (11) JANET JACKSON

Moonwalking was always Janet's brother Michael's signature move. But I will never forget the giddiness I felt when I saw that Janet apparently has the wardrobe to go for an afternoon stroll on the ACTUAL moon.


[Photo: WENN.com]

She'd be a magnificent choice of celebrity for us to shoot into unknown star systems -- she'll fit RIGHT IN with our alien overlords.

Janet didn't stop with this, though. Oh no. There is more:

(2) LADY GAGA vs. (7) MARY-KATE OLSEN

Now that we've ripped off the Pantsless Lady Gaga Band-Aid, we might as well give it to you plain: The woman has no shame.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

What I don't understand -- aside from, you know, not wearing pants -- is how she can hate the feeling of fabric on her legs, yet she's perfectly okay with tight, thick, shiny panty-hose chafing against her thighs and crotch while she wears her actual underwear on the OUTSIDE. I also have questions about which Muppet she defiled to make that coat collar, and why she wears hair bows the size of throw-pillows. But I'm not holding my breath for answers.

Besides, it's a fallacy to claim Lady Gaga never wears pants. She does SOMETIMES:

Most of your top seeds pushed through on the first day of Fug Madness -- unlike last year, when Courtney Peldon barreled straight through No. 1 Lindsay Lohan en route to laying waste to a lot of OTHER fugly celebs. Such is the tournament -- sometimes, there are huge surprises, and other times, the top seeds prevail because, hey, there's a reason they're top seeds.

Let's take a look at how it shook down, as we preview the matchups coming up Monday in Round 2.

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (8) PHOEBE PRICE

Wow. Just wow. Aubrey booted Estelle with an 84-percent victory, and Phoebe Price's lead wasn't pierced by Kim Kardashian's shoulder pads -- Pheebs took 81 percent of the vote. This matchup has all the makings of the most delicious, and difficult, and deliciously difficult, of the competition so far, because both are demi-nude fame whores who carry dogs like they're purses. I cannot wait.

(4) SARAH JESSICA PARKER vs. (12) LISA RINNA

Rinna and her thigh cleavage got three-quarters of you to vote her into this round, sending Maggie Gyllenhall back to her closet without having learned a single lesson (which is kind of good, because maybe it means we'll get more wonderful horrors from her this year). SJP, for her part, had almost the exact same margin of victory over Ashton Kutcher, but we're willing to bet Demi Moore used his mere presence as an (unnecessary) excuse to rip off his clothes when he got home ANYWAY. Smart woman. This matchup pits two women who, I believe, are fashionistas in their own minds but probably not so much in ours. Although SJP would probably rather eat forks than expose as much of her nethers as Rinna has in 2009 alone.

Let's take a look at the other three brackets after the jump:

One of the toughest trends to pull off is, for me, tall boots over pants. If you're stuck in a cold or wet climate and you need to shove your trousers inside any boot you can find, in the name of keeping your hems from being damp and uncomfortable against your legs all day, then a multitude of sins can be forgiven. But if you live in Los Angeles, and it's been warm, and it's not raining, and you have what I imagine Kim Kardashian's budget must be, you can do better than this:


[Photo: Splash News]

Her upper half is crammed to the gills with Stuff -- a head-scarf, giant glasses, a loopy neck scarf, a cropped coat, a wrist cuff -- and yet her lower half looks underthought and terrible. The boots with those pants are really unflattering for her -- less like a trend and more like she just yanked on her waders so she can wander into a nearby creek and spear some dinner for herself and Reggie. Maybe his birthday fantasy was to have her create her own 2009 Women In Waders calendar, but the smart money is on Kim not realizing the proportions of this were so off that her entire leg looks like one big cankle. Or more accurately, a thkneeshikle (thigh-knee-shin-ankle). I hope this kicks off an exciting year of sartorial disasters for her so she gives us all more to think about in next year's Fug Madness.

I assume that I Love You, Man is the movie Jason Segel here was filming during that cold, horrible, tragic period of time during which his hair looked SO TERRIBLE on How I Met Your Mother. But what is going on with him now?!

 S

Oh, JASON. I really just adore you. You seem so funny and smart and cute and normal and I want to sit around with you and watch basketball and talk about The Muppet Movie. And then, when it's time for you to go to your movie premiere, I want to say, "Hang on a sec," and make you change into a shirt that fits your neck, remove the sweater -- a little too bulky -- tie your tie, remind you to shave, and then (once again) implore you to actually run a comb through your hair. Some actors desperately need a stylist. I think you, sugar plum, just need a girlfriend. 

(3) AGYNESS DEYN vs. (14) M.I.A.

Oh, Fug Gods, I love you. We blindly seeded these boneheads without paying attention to the fact that those numbers always face off in the first round, and the randomizer did the rest. Now we get to watch them duke it out over who wore this semi-pornographic Seussian atrocity LESS horrifically:

[Left photo: WENN.com]

On the left: Agyness, who opted against any kind of modesty panel beyond the giant polka-dot potholder covering her, um, oven mitt. On the right, it's M.I.A., who tried to turn this into maternity wear. Agyness picked hot-pink socks and hideous high-heeled sneaker-sandals; M.I.A. went with the chunky white high-hops. Agy accessorized with a hat and a neon purse, while M.I.A. went with Ray Bans, footless tights, and a fetus. I had no idea this thing was so versatile! Clearly, I need one. It's going to look fabulous when I pair it with torn leggings, a fedora, and knee-height gladiator sandals.

Weirdly, I think Agyness looks scarier in it than M.I.A., AND she chose to change back into it and wear it home after donning it in a fashion show -- whereas M.I.A. did it for shock value, I think. But that's certainly a tough call. The rest of their wardrobes make it equally tricky:

(6) JULIETTE LEWIS vs. (11) DIANE KRUGER

For a long time I thought seeing Juliette and the Licks in concert was a scary prospect. Now, I worry my life may not be complete without the experience.

[Photo: WENN.com]

That's not even the craziest thing she's ever worn on stage, but it pleases me deeply -- she finds so many different spandex bodysuits sure to use and abuse her nethers. It's awe-inspiring.

Diane Kruger, we know as a more formal creature. She's pretty enough to make me like things I might not otherwise, but that also means her crazy tends to strike more potently. Take this:

Well, this is awkward:

Lily Allen apparently decided to celebrate her probable Fug Madness win over Charlize Theron a bit on the early side.


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

I guess the benefit of making a tutu out of a pleated Hefty bag is, if you REALLY get hammered, you can puke in it. Not sure what the advantage is to wearing my old gym sneakers from fifth grade, though, unless she's trying to bring back cankles.

Katie Holmes -- as of this writing, losing to Kate "Jordan" Price in round one of Fug Madness, which would be an interesting and not wholly unsurprising upset -- is a mystery to us. Why is she designing clothes now? Why? We ask that, and all kinds of other things, in today's column for NY Mag.com:

"When Tom Cruise swept Katie Holmes out of his dreams and into his private jet, kicking off a famously earnest and weird whirlwind courtship, we had the same reaction as the rest of the world: Maverick marrying Joey Potter? Really? But ultimately, we were less curious about the hows and whys of their love than about how Katie would emerge from the rubble of her former life."

And the answer is...as a weirdly robotic children's clothing designer? THAT is a surprise. Read our suggestions for how best to Handle Katie over at NY Mag.com -- hint, we suggest a reunion with the only man who could step into Intern George's well-shined dress shoes, Joshua Jackson (a PROFESSIONAL REUNION, you guys).

(1) SWINTON vs. (16) SPEIDI

Well, this is it. You asked for it, and now you're going to get it: The magic of SWINTON against the malevolence of Speidi.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Yes, be afraid, Heidi. Be very afraid. Because even though I am fairly sure you were not that aggravated to be exposed wearing elastic-leg boy-short underwear as you slid carelessly out of a car in your tiny outfit, beating down this woman may be the toughest challenge of your life. Tougher even than making out with Spencer while he had the devil's topiary sprouting from his face.

Behold:

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (16) ESTELLE

Considering that British performer Estelle broke into the U.S. by singing a duet with Kanye West, it should be no surprise that she favors dramatic attire. But even Kanye looks like he's taken aback at the marvel that is this dress:

Kanye WOULD appreciate a dress shaped like an elaborate vase. Imagine all the things one could do with hip flaps like that. Pierce your enemies! Stuff them and use them as coasters! Flap them and achieve liftoff! All of which I think she and Kanye should've worked into the performance.

And Estelle doesn't stop there. Who could forget the time she dressed like one of SWINTON's footmen? Or her aluminum sack? Good times, Estelle. Based on these strong showings, we expect big things from you in the coming years.

But is this sampling enough to compete against this person?

You know how, with most models, there's always SOMEONE gushing that they could wear a barrel accessorized with a bucket for a hat and make it look ammaaaaaaazzzzing? I feel like even the most enthusiastic Helena Christensen lover might look at this and go, "hmm."



I mean, is it TERRIBLE? Does it make me want to BARF? Am I looking at it and considering throwing in the towel and moving to a secluded mountain top in Italy, where I will take the veil and live the rest of my life as a cloistered nun, simply so as to avoid ever seeing something like this again? No. On the other hand, is it AMAZING? Hardly. I feel....totally unmoved by it, except that I think it looks like the weirdly cheap lovechild of a bridesmaid's gown that would be advertised as being "for the mature wedding party" and something she rescued from the wood-chipper. Huh. I guess that's not exactly "unmoved." Turns out I hate it. Maybe I will take that vow.
 

Oh my god, Claire Danes.



I know you're recently engaged, but there's nothing in the etiquette books dictating that you are personally obligated to give all the Mother of the Bride dresses a test run yourself. And if your mother-in-law-to-be told you otherwise....honey, you've got problems brewing. Also, I'd like her to call me. I think we'd get along.

Evidently, Carrie Preston here -- in addition to appearing on HBO's True Blood -- is married to Michael Emerson, a.k.a Ben Linus-nee-Henry Gale on Lost. This ordinarily would spawn a long treatise from me on how Emerson is a total freaking genius on that show, and how it's criminal that he doesn't have some awards-show hardware on his mantel because his show is not on cable and/or people don't get how he makes every scene he's in feel like the most important one in the episode. But I will refrain.

Why?


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Because I am far more concerned with the fact that his wife's thighs have gills.

Hot on the heels of a high seeding in the 2009 Fug Madness contest for everything she wore in the past 12 months, Agyness Deyn showed up at a Valentino event with a sleeker style than usual:



The hair is a huge improvement. And I love giant shiny clutch purses. But the dress itself... I can't decide if it's throwback glam, or some old stodgy thing that a depressed and jealous politician, or politician's wife, would wear to the Inaugural Ball. In 1989. And I may never understand the appeal of chain necklaces that long -- all I envision when I see them is a very long night of walking around the party and getting my business flogged by a very expensive whip.

We asked, you answered:


[Photo: Splash News]

The sheer ick factor of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag severely beat down Lauren Conrad's hideous pants and other fashion faux-pas, grabbing 77 percent of the vote en route to a berth in Round One. They'll face a formidable foe in the endearinly wacky -- but still undeniably off her tree -- SWINTON.

How does this make you feel, Lauren Conrad?



"Gosh, I don't know, I mean... on the one hand, it feels nice to be able to go home and put up my feet and fill out my bracket while Lo weaves me some headbands. But on the other hand.. seriously, this headband is REALLY STUPID. And I LOST. To my ARCHRIVAL. And his CONCUBINE. I want to punch something. I would take it out on a dress form, if I ever actually draped any of the stuff I might sort of occasionally have a hand in designing. Sigh. I don't know how to cope with this."

Sorry, pet. But in the end, consider a loss here a compliment.

Next up: Round 1 will span Thursday and Friday.

Among the seeds in action tomorrow: Aubrey O'Day defends her No. 1 spot against No. 16 Estelle; Phoebe Price dukes it out with Kim Kardashian; Lily Allen, defending champ Bai Ling, Lisa Rinna, and Blake Lively may have to answer for their crimes; and No. 2 seed Lady Gaga makes her second-ever appearance on this site after our strenuous efforts to pretend she doesn't exist.

Get your voting fingers ready.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Hey, J. What's happenin', hot stuff?

JORDANA BREWSTER: Not much, just going through the motions. See flash, smile, talk about how driving fast is really fun, mention stunt doubles, go home and brush my hair... you?

MICHELLE: Feeling GROOVY, baby! Dig my maxi dress?

JORDANA: It's fine. Sure. Better than the lace thing. I guess I kind of wish we weren't BOTH wearing purple and black, though.

MICHELLE: Wanna hear a secret?

JORDANA: Do I have a choice?

MICHELLE: I've got something under my skirt that is going to BLOW YOUR MIND.

JORDANA: Oh, sweet Jesus, no...

MICHELLE: STRAP ON FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE, SUGARBRITCHES:

On one hand, Becki Newton is about as cute as a button, I love this color on her, and we all know how I feel about sequins



But on the other hand, as I was writing this piece, I realized that this might not be a dress. It might be...an uber-low-crotched jumpsuit. I KNOW. And I couldn't tell for AGES. But here's the evidence:
 

I'm starting to feel like almost every post about Posh should be a Fug or Fab, because I am usually torn between the part of me that loves it when she's cuckoo and the part of me that thinks like a rational human being -- or the part of me that can't tell whether she's NOT being crazy at all, or if I just THINK she's not being crazy because what she's wearing isn't AS crazy as it usually is. Does that make ME crazy? As Gnarls Barkley once mused: possibly.


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

So here, one part of my brain thinks, "That is an awesomely bold color, and the outfit is practically demure considering this is a person who once wore a strapless corset and hot pants to a Glamour party celebrating fashionable women. And she kind of pulls it off. I might love it. I might wish I could own it in a hue slightly less turned-up-to-eleven. I might want to know how much boob tape she's using. She might need to lay off the bronzer. I wonder if she's growing out that haircut. Wow, you could use her cheekbones to serve dip at a cocktail party. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, the dress. I STILL might like it."

And then the other part chimes in with, "Yeah, but are you REALLY ready to embrace a dress that looks like the marriage between a giant blazer and a tennis skirt?"

I wonder how Erika here looked in the blue dress by itself.



Tragically we will never know, because she appears to be prouder of her outerwear, which looks like the kind of 3 a.m. craft project that ensues when your boyfriend dumps you but he leaves his expensive camping gear in your hall closet, so in an insomniac trance you turn his outdoor sleeping bag -- strings and all -- into a poncho that you can wear on the couch while you watch Bridget Jones' Diary and marinate in woe. And then, when you feel better, you take it on the town in the hopes that he'll see it and get enraged and you can be all, "What? THAT old thing? My HOT NEW LOVER told me it would make a great jacket," and then you pour his beer over his head because you are not stupid enough to waste your own. All of which is great and all, but the ending would be happier if it didn't involve a girl floating off into the sunset looking like a giant black tent with legs.

SPEIDI vs. LAUREN CONRAD

Happy St. Patrick's Day! In honor of the occasion, I thought I'd show you a little something that will make SURE you want to drink heavily and that you won't care WHAT kind of water-beer they've colored green and charged you $12 to guzzle:

[Photo: Splash News]

That lady is thinking, "Oh, my stars, are they REALLY sucking face instead of grabbing a ladle and serving some food for charity? Is THAT why they're here? Homeless people don't want saliva in their soup. I don't know whether to slap them stupid or take notes for my grandchildren."

** Edited to add: Apparently, that IS Spencer's grandmother? Just goes to show how tedious and terrible I find The Hills -- I watched and STILL did not recognize her, so clearly, I was tuned out. Let me revise my impression of her internal monologue: "Oh my stars, are they REALLY sucking face instead of grabbing a ladle and serving some food for charity? Is THAT why they're here? Homeless people don't want saliva in their soup. I don't know whether to slap them stupid or ask Heidi to suck his ratty beard off his face."

And so it goes. Spencer and Heidi may not always wear the worst clothes, but his icky goatee and contempt for her family, plus their joint insistence on proving publicly that her collagen-inflated lips implants won't burst under pressure, make them a fugly sight to behold indeed. They exist solely for rich photo opportunities, it seems, and every single one of them involves reminding us that they are Truly In Love:

The shadows in this photo are, quite by accident, brilliant -- as if the darkness is literally AND figuratively preparing to devour Mary-Kate with its inky maw:



Although the jazzy witch's robes aren't much new for her, here she looks especially devious and crabby, like she's two seconds away from mugging you on the offchance you've got some contraband spleen of platypus in your purse. My main concern, though, is everything from the neck up -- the hair that looks like a Blake Lively wig sample that's been crammed into a plastic bag at Aah's for two months, and the way the crimpson lips and the eye makeup wash out the poor kid and suggest she's in dire need of a healing nap. Do we need an intervention to keep Mary-Kate here from turning into Courtney Love? You'd think reading through our archives would be enough, so perhaps we'll have them bound and shipped to her manager under the title Refried Ass: The Courtney Love Fashion Story, or How To Lose Your Shit In Ten Days. Or perhaps something simpler, like, Um, NO. Hopefully that will do it.

Hello all:

A few e-mailers have had trouble downloading/printing/reading the PDF version of the Fug Madness bracket. If that sounds like you, then try this link to a JPEG version instead. You should be able to print it out this way, too: http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/2009/03/16/Fug_Madness_bracket_09.jpg

Now, back to your regularly scheduled daydreams about the work day being finished.

From the waist up, and the knees down, I love this:



But I've been looking at it for ten minutes and I can't figure out why the middle part makes her look like a folded up umbrella. Ginnifer Goodwin is a petite little thing, so it's really beyond me why she looks so weirdly wide in the middle. Like...is there some pleating or bustling happening here that I just can't see in the picture? It is draped in a way that is fantastic in person, but doesn't translate to film? Does this dress have huge pockets, and she's got the New York Times shoved into her left one? Has her bottom half mysteriously expanded since the last time I saw her? (I've had days where I've felt like that myself.) The silhouette here is surely an optical illusion, right? Because I feel like this SHOULD be fabulous.

Oh, don't look so cranky, Tori:


[Photo: PacificCoast NewsOnline.com]

Surely, at the very least, your nightgown here is very COMFORTABLE, even if you do look a bit like a woman who's escaped from a burning building in the dead of night and is wearing the blazer of the maitre 'd of the restaurant downstairs, who loaned it to you because he was feeling guilty about how he's pretty sure the blaze started in his establishment, seeing as the management has neglected to get faulty wiring fixed. Much as happened in the seminal episode of 90210 in which Kelly ended up almost dying in a faulty-wiring-prompted party/rave because the jerky frat boy with whom Steve went into the Lame Rave Throwing business showed flagrant disregard for both fire safety and the way electricity works. And look on the bright side: if you can believe it, you actually look better in this than you did then. Well. Maybe not. But at least you're not dating Ray Pruit anymore. That douche was bad news. Just look at him:

 

  Gross.

I know I used to hate her, but it's gotten to the point that I just want to take poor Jessica Simpson under my wing and take care of her. And then shake her and demand to know why no one loves her enough to HIRE HER A COMPETENT STYLIST:

Let me see if I've got this straight. As soon as Jessica Alba's face loses its fringe....

Now that we've revealed the seedings and opening-round matchups in the Bjork, Cher, Charo, and Madonna brackets, respectively, we can lay out the full Fug Madness schedule and give you a handy downloadable bracket that you can use to make your personal picks. Okay, so there's no prize for being right, and you could totally cheat and pretend you were, but still: Isn't it more fun to play for pride? ... No? Shoot. Well, we obviously can't condone gambling since it's HIGHLY ILLEGAL in most states, but obviously if you choose to start your own Fug Madness mini-pool on your own time, with your circle of fug watchers, we can't control that.

Here are the rules, the important upcoming matchup dates, and the official unveiling of your play-in teams.

1) After Tuesday's play-in game, the first round begins on Thursday with four matchups from each of the four brackets -- the top halves of Cher and Charo, and the bottom halves of the Bjork and Madonna (which we mean in a bracketology sense, and not in some kind of creepy Island of Dr. Moreau cross-breeding way). The rest will take place on Friday -- much like the glorious tournament on which it is based. Round Two will begin on Monday, March 23, and so on and so forth.

2) Here is a downloadable PDF of the full Fug Madness bracket, which has the dates of all the contests and which you can print and fill in as we go:

Fug_Madness_bracket_09.pdf

3) Polls for each contest will be open for roughly 24 hours (as close as we can make it) from the time the post is published. Vote early, and if your browser allows, vote often.

4) This is the big one: Comments WILL open again, only on Fug Madness posts. Our reluctance to put any comments on the site is well-documented, but last season's experiment with opening comments during Fug Madness went swimmingly, thanks to all of our cool, smart readers who just wanted to have a good time. We sincerely hope you guys will all be just as awesome this time. But we are just as cranky, so any violations of our comment policy, and we WILL close them again. The rules (some of which I copied from last time) are generally based in people using basic common sense, and include:

• Please do NOT use this time to vent your spleen against the celebrity in question (that's what therapy is for), against fame in general, the economy, or the site itself (that's what e-mail is for, and Intern George has the typing blisters on his beautiful fingers to prove it).
• Keep it clean, keep it on-topic, keep it relevant. If all you want to do is say, "DIE, SLUTZ," well, that's not polite in English OR in German, so please don't.
• We reserve the right to edit or delete comments if they're not in the spirit of the contest, and/or are spoiling everyone else's fun.
• We will TOTALLY close the comments again FOREVER if this blows up into something awful (i.e., we will totally turn this car around if you don't stop poking your brother). We love what your intelligent, funny, sarcastic input does for the spirit of the contest; it's part of what made it so special last season, so please take that to heart, and don't abuse it.
  

5) And now for the identity of the two celebrities dueling TOMORROW for the right to take on top-seeded SWINTON in the Charo bracket.

Drum roll, please...

VIN DIESEL: Do you think America has forgotten about me? Do you? I think America might have forgotten about me.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: I'd like to see America TRY to forget about me. Everyone will be staring at my boobs all night wondering if they tell which parts of this ugly veil I'm wearing as a dress have a lining behind them, and which parts are giving them a peek. I am BRILLIANT.

PAUL WALKER: I KNOW America forgot about me! Hell, I forgot about me, too! But I'm STILL HERE, dudes! My suit doesn't really fit any more, but it's on me and not the hanger! Victory is mine!

JORDANA BREWSTER: I had the time of my life on this movie. It never felt like this before! Yes, I swear. It's the truth.

VIN: I hear they like bald dudes on Top Chef. Maybe that should be my next move. Prove to people I can act opposite a duck AND cook one.

MICHELLE: If you do, cook me two breasts. HA! Get it? See what I did there? Even I can't stop thinking about my boobs.

PAUL: Anyone up for She's All That II: All That And A Bag Of Chips? Or Further Into The Blue? Eight More Below? Flags of our Fathers' Fathers? Did anyone know I was in that movie the first time around? Come on, don't make me go back to obscurity! I did an episode of Cribs! I'm supposed to be really famous!

JORDANA: I'm just going to ignore these yokels. Nobody's going to put ME in a corner.

Well, look: On the one hand, Katie Price isn't wearing as much twee pink as she did back in the UK.


[Photo: PacificCoast NewsOnline.com]

On the other, she appears to have traded her favorite color for a gig ruthlessly courting sponsorships by proving she can wear a logo any time, anywhere. Here she seems to be trying to lure Honda**, the former Confederate states, Pirelli, Jesus, the North American Butterfly Association, the dude who makes all those plastic Elvis sunglasses and sells them in Las Vegas, Grateful Dead groupies, and for good measure, the U.S. government. I can't wait until Congress decides to throw some stimulus money at her just because the reps think it's patriotic and deeply symbolic for us to watch someone -- ANYONE, even someone who would cut her skirt six inches shorter if it weren't for that pesky zipper -- pulling dead presidents out of a White House purse like it's some sort of magic trick. Maybe if I get a purse in the shape of Barney's, the good people there will give me discounts on shoes; failing that, I'm just going to make a bag that looks like the Golden Arches so I can at least swing a sympathy Big Mac.

** Fear not, e-mailers -- I did mean Honda, not Volkswagen. There appears to be a Honda logo on her skirt. Maybe she wants to get in bed with Honda because it anagrams to, "Oh, DAN," and she's... really frustrated with how Andrea Zuckerman's R.A. Dan Rubin is behaving on some 90210 reruns. Or because it anagrams to "Nad ho," which... you know what? Never mind.

You know, Jared, there IS an easier way.


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

It's called "sunscreen," and it's available at every gas station, supermarket, and corner drugstore. Do you need to borrow a couple bucks?

Just when you thought Little J's hair could get no worse:

There is something about this photo that I love.


[Photos: Splash News]

It's as if Gwyneth has just swept imperiously past the top-hatted doorman and he's staring after her, puzzled and hurt, because all he asked was if she'd had a good day and whether her lunchtime lentils and tree bark were cooked to perfection, and she blew right by so she could get upstairs and write a GOOP post about the lost art of genuflection.

If we were all to bow down to Her Highness of Lifestyle Wisdom, though, we'd come face to face with those curious shoes. And I can't decide if that's a good thing. Let's go in for a closer look that doesn't require us to get our noses dirty on the pavement:

So...does this glum look mean that marriage isn't agreeing with Fergie Ferg?


The dress is fine, albeit bizarrely crunched up in seemingly random places. The shoes, I'm sure, cost some wicked ridiculous amount, despite essentially being kind of hideous and involving the use of sweatbands for ankle straps, but I can take a lot of stupidity in a shoe, for some reason. Perhaps because they're so small and far away from my face. But speaking of faces: girl, this hair is not good with yours. Don't get upset. I can't do the super straight, flat-ironed, center part thing, either. It makes me look like my face is the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's. But suddenly, you're bearing a weird resemblance to Priscilla Presley, and while she was once a beautiful woman, my guess is that's not exactly what you're going for. What I'm saying, princess, is that you need a little softness around ye olde facial area. And maybe a smile: I'm concerned that your crabby visage here is going to show up in a tabloid under the headline, "Fergie And Josh: Honeymoon PAIN," after which the magazine will propose that you guys are on the autobahn to splitsville. When really maybe you just forgot to set the TiVo for Intern George's Triumphant Return to ER. That'd make anyone cranky.

(1) SOLANGE vs. (16) DRUNKFACE MCCORD

(2) GWYNETH PALTROW vs. (15) KRISTEN STEWART

(3) BAI LING vs. (14) RUMER WILLIS

(4) JOAQUIN PHOENIX vs. (13) SARAH SILVERMAN

(5) VICTORIA "POSH" BECKHAM vs. (12) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

(6) DEBRA MESSING vs. (11) JANET JACKSON

(7) CHRISTINA AGUILERA vs. (10) JESSICA BIEL

(8) JESSICA SIMPSON vs. (9) SHARON STONE

Aha! This bracket gives us not only last year's winner, it gives us last year's runner-up, in the personage of one Ms Posh Spice. Will they have a rematch in round four? Posh would have to get through Joaquin Phoenix first. And that's assuming Bai Ling manages to get that far. Can either of them knock down Solange? Will Solange plow through the field, or be upset? TIME WILL TELL.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (16) ESTELLE

(2) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (15) AMANDA BYNES

(3) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (14) SHENAE GRIMES

(4) SARAH JESSICA PARKER vs. (13) ASHTON KUTCHER

(5) MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL vs. (12) LISA RINNA

(6) JULIETTE LEWIS vs. (11) DIANE KRUGER

(7) COURTNEY LOVE vs. (10) RENEE ZELLWEGER

(8) PHOEBE PRICE vs. (9) KIM KARDASHIAN

As we continue to unveil the seedings and first-round matchups, I've noticed that our online randomizer can collect another pat on the back for the poetry of its choices here. Aubrey and Estelle? Both singers. LiLo and Bynes? Both starlets who often wear stuff that's too short. Momsen and Grimes? Both CW starlets whose characters we hate. Courtney and Renee both have terrible hair these days. Phoebe and Kim are total fame-whores. Juliette dated Brad Pitt; Diane Kruger co-starred with him. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Lisa Rinna are both... brunettes. And Sarah Jessica Parker and Ashton Kutcher both sometimes wear bad hats. It's like magic.

You may wonder why Phoebe Price only merits an eighth-place seed, and our reason is this: Last season, as a hideously dressed but totally unfamous crackpot, we stuck her in at No. 13 -- kind of like how in the actual NCAA tournament, teams that won their small, mid-major conference still get seeded lower than teams who play in the big, renowned conferences like the Pac-10 and the Big East. This year, we were tempted to bump Pheebs up to the top, but then we realized that although the Internet has given her a similar notoriety to our reigning champ Bai Ling, is has NOT as of yet engendered the same level of fondness for her wacky antics. So essentially, she's really still a hideously dressed crackpot who just happens to be MARGINALLY more famous this time. Ergo, we thought a No. 8 slot was a fair compromise.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

Part of me feels like Holly Montag here -- sister of Heidi and potential sister-in-law to America's sweetheart, Spencer Pratt -- has enough on her mind with the whole Spencer Is Marrying My Sister (Kind Of.  Maybe) situation that she should be congratulated when she manages to pull herself together enough to leave the house wearing clean clothing that she has not yet rent in agony:


[Photo: WENN.com]

On the other hand, if the choice is between garments rent in agony and this, I could honestly kind of go either way.

This may be the best thing that's ever greeted me in the morning:



Yes, SWINTON. YES. Tyra Banks would drown in her own joyous slobber if one of the ANTM girls managed an angular, lean, high-fashion pose like that (instead, next cycle, she's picking only a bunch of short girls, presumably so she can then lament that none of them know how to look tall and then cut them for not growing). SWINTON is a skyscraper of a woman, but whatever optical illusion they're using -- a step-stool under the skirt? -- makes her look like a veritable beanstalk. Indeed, I wish this could be the Fug Madness statuette. If we kept an on-site metal-worker at GFY HQ, that person would be hard at work today as Intern George danced around clapping like a little girl at a Dora The Explorer festival.

Having said that, of course, it's definitely also a tiny bit freaky. Especially the way it looks like she's the love child of Max Headroom and one of the ashen, ethereal, bloodless Cullens (as described in the hideous Twilight book, as opposed to as depicted in the possibly even MORE hideous Twilight movie). But on the other hand, it's exactly the kind of cover styling one should use for SWINTON -- imagine how discordant it would feel if, say, she showed up on the cover of Redbook in a Talbot's floral smock and pastel lipstick. We'd all look up to make sure the sky wasn't falling, then run to confession just in case.

You know who we're talking about. Kanye's new lady friend? She's very striking, yes. But WHO THE HECK IS SHE? No, seriously, you guys. We are actually kind of curious. So we get on the case for NY Mag.com:

"In this day and age, it seems impossible that we've spied endless articles about Kanye and Amber shopping for pants, yet her past is a relative vacuum. In the absence of answers, we can only speculate: Is she, as she appears, the overlord of an alien biker gang? Is she performance art? Sweet Jesus, is she his muse?"

Or is she the author of a book about holistic bee-healing? No, I didn't just invent that. Find out how the bees tie into this mystery via this helpful link to another site on the interwebs, where the rest of our column lives.

I kind of like Ever Carradine. For one thing, she manages to pull off having what is actually kind of a dumb name. For another, she was surprisingly likable in an easily unlikable part in the long-gone but very good Once and Again (I love you, Billy Campbell!) AND she was funny on the terrible-but-I-watched-it-anyway Men in Trees. Thank god I've been freed from THAT particular televisual prison. And I guess she's been on 24 this season? (I've been planning to do a Netflix marathon of this season eventually.) Anyhoodle, good on her for working all the time. Let's talk about her outfit:

 

Usually, I start watching American Idol when they get down to about ten, and skip the results shows entirely, because the medleys and the Ford commercials and the relentless padding and the MEDLEYS, MY GOD, THE MEDLEYS, make my brain cry. But for the sheer opportunities to ogle Paula Abdul's crazy clothes, the stuff the stylists-on-crack (as opposed to crack stylists) put on the contestants, and the big-name special guests, I could not resist starting earlier and TiVoing the results show for minimum pain.

I was rewarded with Kanye West.


[Photo: My TV. I'm really, really sorry the quality stinks.]

Now, Kanye here must have been rather knackered, since he's been jet-setting from Milan to Paris watching a bunch of runway shows with his extra-terrestrial girlfriend. But I was still sort of saddened to see him eschew his flashier threads -- like all the jackets that look like he stole them from a high-school pep band -- in favor of a bunch of mismatched denim pieces that many people call at least a partial Texas Tuxedo (although a lot of our Texas readers beg to differ, and who can blame them?). You'd think that, after hanging out in  Milan, where Agatha Ruiz De La Prada sent models down the catwalk in baguette hats, dresses that look like breakfast, and a skirt with a handlebar mustache -- or in Paris, where a recent runway show featured a skirt in the image of Animal from The Muppet Show -- that we'd have gotten something with a little more oomph. Something a tad less discount from a dude who thinks he's so awesome, he was quoted as saying the greatest pain in his life is that he cannot watch himself perform live.

Perhaps if he could, he'd have noticed this little hitch in his giddyup:



Every time he bent over to touch the fans -- or, in this case, hop up on the desk -- his pants slid further down his ass. I kept rooting for them to drop off with gusto as he reached the climax of the song. Alas, they did not. Apparently the magic of Kanye is that he can control his trousers with his MIND.

He also worked some wonders with his backup singer:

(1) SWINTON vs. (16) PLAY-IN WINNER (game time: Tuesday, March 17)

(2) KATY PERRY vs. (15) ROBERT PATTINSON

(3) AGYNESS DEYN vs. (14) M.I.A.

(4) SCARLETT JOHANSSON vs. (13) AMY ADAMS

(5) BEYONCE vs. (12) BLAKE LIVELY

(6) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (11) ANNE HATHAWAY

(7) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (10) BRANGELINA

(8) CHARLIZE THERON vs. (9) LILY ALLEN

I love this time of year. No matter how random Jessica and I try to be -- and this year it actually involved using an online randomizer to decide which seeds went in which of the four brackets -- certain matchups STILL come out with a beautiful synergy. For instance, before we even seeded anyone or remembered that threes always play fourteens, we had JOKED about how great it would be if Agyness and M.I.A. -- who both wore the same hideous polka-dotted Henry Holland outfit within the last year -- got to face off against each other. And poof, the randomizer coughed up that exact battle. It's too good to be true, but it IS true. The top six seeds in this bracket are one of the toughest groupings in the entire contest and I'm very much looking forward to see which ones emerge unscathed. Beware the underdogs, y'all. They bite.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

Oh, joyous day. Could March BE any more delightful? March Madness, St Patrick's Day, Daylight Savings, Bubble Gum Week, National Pig Day, Dr Seuss's birthday, Potato Chip Day (tragic, as I gave potatoes up for Lent), Big Bird's birthday, the anniversary of the invention of Coca Cola (leading, eventually, to our sweet Diet Coke), National toast day (the bread, rather than the alcohol-fueled exchange of cheer), and now the return of Fug Madness. We are so excited (so excited, so scared).

To sum it up briefly for those of you who weren't around last year: over the next two days, we'll be revealing the 65 poorly-dressed celebrity nutjobs who will be battling it out, NCAA basketball tournament style, to determine who is the fugliest of them all. (If you want a refresher of how last year's tournament went, click here and relive the magic.)

Today, we'll be revealing the stars who will be competing in the Bjork and Cher brackets. Tomorrow, you'll learn who has made it to the Charo and Madonna brackets. Monday, we'll have a full, printable bracket available for your pleasure, and voting with extreme prejudice begins Tuesday. But we couldn't resist giving you a spoiler, and so, without further ado, we present your four number one seeds - the four crazy (and, in one case, crazy delicious) celebrities we think will be the hardest to beat. They are:

Aubrey O'Day
Solange
Mischa Barton
And the one, the only: SWINTON

Stay tuned!

So, it's not like I honestly think poor Adam "Please Hire Me" Brody is at home, still pining over generally-cute-as-a-button-ex Rachel Bilson. But on the off chance that he IS wandering around his house, occasionally sighing and gazing off into space as he think about What Could Have Been and wishing he could have her back....I feel like this might help with that:


[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

GIRL. WHAT. NO. HUH? I can't think of a BETTER outfit to wear if you're planning on running into your ex, and you want him to recoil and think, "THANK GOD I got out of THAT ONE." I don't think I have EVER wanted that to happen, but maybe now that she's engaged to Hayden Whatshisnuts, she's feeling charitable. You know, about this fictional scenario I've cooked up to excuse this whole thing.

So, every season I tell myself, "I am totally not watching Idol this year," and then every single season eventually sees me on the phone with my parents being all, "I would NEVER vote for [whoever]. I HATE HIS FACE," and then we talk about who we can't stand the most, before covering who we think is going to win Survivor and also The Amazing Race, and then about how my mother can't watch Dancing With the Stars anymore because, while she liked Helio, she thinks Mel B got robbed and she's never gotten over it.  It's a good time all around. Especially because every single season I get to rediscover the singular delights of one Miss Paula Abdul.  I'm not kidding, every time I saw her in this outfit from last night, I burst out laughing. Not derisively, either. I mean, a little bit. But MOSTLY with actual DELIGHT:

Listen, Nicole:


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

It's a nice attempt, really. But no matter how hard and how egregiously you try to misappropriate aspects of their native country's garb, no one is going to STOP confusing you with Kim Kardashian and START confusing you with more interesting people, like Aishwarya Rai or darling-of-the-hour Freida Pinto. No one is going to come up to you and tell you they loved you in Slumdog Millionaire, nor ask if you're dating Dev Patel (which you WOULDN'T BE, because he's a CHILD, practically, and it would be icky... if you were Freida, of course), nor try to get you to propose marriage to Leonardo DiCaprio, nor throw themselves at your feet and offer you a part in a major studio motion picture so that they can get in on your non-euphemistic ground floor, and you will not get to rub your hands together with glee and wait until the ink is dry before you reveal your true identity. At best, MAYBE they would take you for a local stripper with a Bollywood fetish, take pity, pull you aside to tell you that your bra is showing, and then hire you to teach Kathie Lee and Hoda how to belly-dance on the Today show during a 30-second segment in which they squawk and flail and Kathie Lee yells that Hoda needs the moves because she's a lonely woman. In which case, pussycat, you might be better off sticking with the Dolls.

You know, sometimes it's not the size of the polterwang...


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

... it's how you package it. And I'd say taking her pelvic dromedary on a spandex safari in dance pants the likes of which would give Brian Boitano acid flashbacks makes for some pretty hilariously ballsy gift-wrap. (Ghost-gonad pun fully intended.) They're so awful that I almost want to give our girl Lil' Kim a standing ovation. Does this mean I have to watch her on Dancing With The Stars now? Because I don't think I can take that kind of agony. Not even as payback for how hard this outfit made me laugh.

Oh my god, you guys. Emmy Rossum is ALIVE:



And she's in a Dragonball movie which has had its release date moved three times. THINGS ARE GOING GREAT.  Poor child. I almost feel sorry for her. Remember when she was the next big thing? And then we all learned that she couldn't complete a movie and breathe through her nose at the same time? Seriously. Now that I've alerted you to her mouth-breathing tendencies, you will never be able to watch Poseidon again without seeing only that, which is a shame because that movie is HILARIOUS. It's kind of like how I had to stop watching that show Reaper because Heather once pointed out to me that the lead dude's mouth hangs open in literally every scene and now I can't take it anymore. Is that show even still on? I do love Ray Wise and he was pretty great in it, so I want him to be working, at least. Remember when he was Laura Palmer's dad? Boy, did he scare me in Twin Peaks. I wonder what I should have for lunch. What am I even talking about right now? Oh, right: poor Emmy.  She really doesn't hold your attention, does she? Even if she is wearing what seems like a formerly beautiful dress that she's MacGyvered (or MacGrubered, rather, since it went so badly) for increased skankitude, therefore ruining it and also inviting people to spend the whole evening stepping on her tail.  Will she EVER win?

OKAY. We're making progress here.



Rose (wearing a very pretty dress in dusty rose, in what I'm sure is an unintentionally twee coincidence) actually looks moderately alive. Of all the times I've seen her, she looks the LEAST like she's about to barf all over her skirt from nerves, or burst into tears at the merest change of wind, or faint if you call out her name. She's wearing the merest hint of a quasi-smile. In fact, she's all but decided it's time to consider expressing a modicum of cheer. It's a MIRACLE. Maybe there's hope for this one after all.

Oh my GOD, we GET IT, you're working on another Sex and the City movie.



Fine: I don't really hate this. It just sort of ANNOYS me for potentially irrational reasons. The shoes are sort of hot, in a dominatrix kind of way. The green snakeskin dress and blinged-out cuffs are funky. And I would probably enjoy the fur stole, were it not such an impotent defense against New York's forty-degree temps. But somehow all of these things together, plus the wrist-length gloves that look less utilitarian than they are an homage to Karl Lagerfeld -- as if he ran into her one day, pressed them into her arms, and said, "Hands are for the helpless, darling. HIDE THEM AND BE FREE" -- all appear to want to bang us over the head with her former alter-ego. Like she doesn't REALLY want to look like Carrie Bradshaw all the time (and indeed will tell people how anti-fashion she tends to be in her real life, despite all evidence to the contrary) but God forbid you stop remembering that they are the same person, and HEAVEN FORFEND the day that the media decides it doesn't care how Michael Patrick King plans to further assassinate his characters with weird scatalogical jokes and insulting plot points, because she has 100 coy responses about the SATC sequel written and ready to be deployed. So LOOK OUT. Carrie Jessica Bradshaw is here to stay until that damn thing is shot and in the can.

Sarah Wynter just guest-starred on Flight of the Conchords and surprised me with how funny she can be. Tragically, though, I am no longer laughing.



It's one thing to wear leggings under a knee-length dress -- you know how I typically react to that needless deployment of stretch-cotton -- but it's quite another to then bring a purse that appears to be made out of THE EXACT SAME FABRIC as your frock. As in, it looks like she either bought them to match, or thought to herself, "I love this dress so much, I just want to throw my cell phone, my lipstick, my breath mints, my Chapstick, my compact, my tiny umbrella I got for free at Fashion Week that time, my car keys, my hand lotion, my emergency magazine for if I get stuck somewhere with nothing to do, my crumpled and barely legible receipts from the grocery store for the past year, my Gap reward coupons that expired two months ago, and my old abandoned pen caps into it, and carry it forever!" Which... okay, if that's her happy ending, I guess I should take a page from the Vivica A. Fox book of phraseology and choose not to hate, but rather congratulate. Although I'd feel better about it if she tore off the leggings and stuffed those in there too.

It seems Shontelle is a songstress from Barbados who's currently hoping to take the US by storm. Sound familiar? And she's even picking up RiRi's habit of wearing really weird stuff while performing:



This is Rihanna with a taste of Britney, a speck of Katy Perry, a hint of Kate Hudson's sequined wrap, and an overall aura of being the lost Pussycat Doll. I have, after considerable minutes of staring and frowning, decided that I am not hallucinating, and this DOES appear to be a shirt tucked into elastic-waist silken bloomers -- as if she's singing at an overly formal Hollywood pajama party and the fancy boxers secretly say "Happy Panty-Raid-Day, Paris!" on the back.

Evidently, if Wikipedia is to be believed -- and if it isn't, I don't want to know about it -- Shontelle used to be a drill sergeant back in her native Barbados, and I find myself wishing THAT Shontelle would show up and scream the current one out of that outfit. Or at least run up to Paris Hilton at this party I've just invented and scare her into dropping and doing 50 pushups. I would root for that. I would maybe even buy her record if she got someone to take photos.

Ooh. This one is depressing me:


[Photo: Splash News]

Catherine Zeta Jones, I love you. Why haven't you been in a decent movie in like five years? I know you're living in Bermuda -- presumably wearing a lot of Bermuda shorts -- and brushing your hair, or whatever, but come on: can't you call up Intern George and ask him if he's got a role for you in something or other? I can not have my most recent memory of you be this. You're wearing Liberace's pillow case.

You know, I was all set to make this a Fug or Fab, and then I decided, "No. It's time to take a stand." Also, I sort of realized how I felt about it. It makes me a little stabby. Oh, MILLA:

 

Look, I get why Formerly Popular Shoe Brands of the 80s ally themselves with Currently Hot TV Starlets (see: Barton, Mischa, and Keds). It makes sense for them. However, I sort of hate it because it leads to things like this:

I think all the celebrities are as zonked and thankful it's Friday as I am -- it feels a lot like scraping the barrel today in terms of finding really nutrageous fug. As it is, I'm left to ponder whether Juliette Lewis's coat is secretly fabulous, or faintly mangy and confusing.


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

You have to admire a giant fur coat that appears to have sprouted feathers. It almost looks like it's going through puberty, and is well on its way to becoming a pimply, bratty, closed-off adolescent jacket that slams the door of its closet and refuses to speak except in surly grunts, before finally maturing into an adult coat that knows how to boil an egg and balance a checkbook and get its driver's license.

Although from the back it looks more full-grown:

Okay, okay, Victoria. I'll do whatever you want, I promise!


[Photo: Splash News]

You want me to tell everyone you're secretly hilarious? I already do that! Do you want me to explain to the internet that your biographies (BOTH OF THEM) are actually really entertaining? I think I already have! They are! I read them in Mexico once with a series of margaritas and it was awesome! Do you want me to track down your never released dance single and make it huge here in America? I...will try, I guess. Just please don't ever dress like the world's chicest East German border guard ever again. You're making me nervous.

OH PAULA ABDUL. Call me a cold-hearted snake -- look into my eyes, even -- but I am not telling lies when I say that this is straight up terrible:

I am totally the wrong fugger to be writing about Alex McCord, since I don't watch the Real Housewives shows -- yes, that's right, I cherish Tool Academy from the bottom of my soul, but somehow the mere idea of the various Housewives soaps gives me hives. But I did read that Alex McCord and her husband are in the midst of redecorating their townhouse, or something? Listen, I don't know that I would trust this woman to decorate anything ONCE, much less do it again:



I mean, okay: She's decorated her arm with Aiden Turner, who is a cute Irish soap actor currently on All My Children, where he's in love with a mental patient who once killed her brother and most of whose past love interests are either dead, "dead," or have left the show. So McCord gets points for the man candy. If she'd JUST taken a little more time in adorning herself... I'm sure this is just a drab black dress and a medically necessary stomach sweater, to prevent her tragic case of Abnormally Freezing Abdomen Syndrome from flaring up at the middle of the party. But it sure LOOKS like she is wearing a sweater tube-top over a mangy tutu, and Turner got caught making out behind that rack of skirts, which is why it's peeled down to expose her flimsy strapless support garment. I'm not sure which is better: On the one hand, you get a terrifically soapy medical scenario which could end in a revolutionary ab-transplant surgery; on the other, DRAMA. Unfortunately for her, this outfit is involved in both, though, so I guess there's no winning.

I don't know about this, Baby Spice:


[Photo: Splash News]

YOU are adorable. THIS is a bit...granny, no? Maybe it's the wee jacket? I'm not sure. I have a sinus infection and I think it might be reaching its claws into my brain. Nevertheless, something about it makes me feel as though you are about two minutes away from bursting into jazz hands.

Oh, K.Bell. We have gone through so many ups and downs, haven't we? And I was so scared when I saw you at the Miss Sixty show, figuring you might get some toxic ideas in your head and show up at parties in that acid-washed-denim strapless jumpsuit. But maybe that show was your way of reminding yourself what NOT to do, as this is most decidedly a crest and not a trough:


[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I LOVE that dress. I want that dress. I will never have that dress. Which is not a very happy ending for me, but I'm used to it -- my relationship with pretty celebrity fashion has always been one of unrequited ardor, and my bank account prefers it that way. I suppose keeping the roof over my head, rather than buying dresses with four-figure price-tags but living beneath an overpass in an old appliance box, IS a happy ending in itself.

If Amanda Bynes is proud of her legs, then hooray for her -- seriously, enjoy the lack of cellulite while it lasts, kid, because Mother Nature is mean and cranky and someday she will spank you with her dimpled paddle.

Evidently she is equally proud of her crotch, given that she seems hell-bent on trying to show it to everyone (don't worry, this is safe for work):


[Photo: Splash News]

HONEY. We live in a society. You have to be careful how you stretch when you're in a tiny micro-mini, and you have to be doubly mindful when you are standing on a staircase and anyone down below can look up and immediately write a 100,000-word thesis on your waxing habits. Does NO ONE in Hollywood offer up a seminar to young actresses on how to keep their vaginas under wraps? She got lucky here, but it's only a matter of time.

You know, her birthday is coming up -- can someone at least make sure she receives lots of underwear?

You know how, whenever we mention the embarrassingly brilliant musical-cinema crapstravaganza From Justin To Kelly, we inevitably end it with a reference to Kelly Clarkson wearing a SKIRT MADE OF TIES? And how it's in caps like that because it's borderline apocalyptic as far as we're concerned?

Well, lock the doors and hide grandma in the closet, because you are hearing horse hooves drumming the Earth in the distance, and those ARE locusts raining down outside your window:


[Photo: WENN.com]

I will give you that this is better, overall, than Kelly Clarkson dancing around on spring break in a skirt made of ties sewn to a denim waist. But it's still A DRESS MADE OF TIES. Seriously, if I'd known years ago that I could just wrap my grandfather's Ugly Tie Rack around myself and hit the town, maybe it would've saved me hours of staring at my closet, hating everything I own. But then again, I probably would've just looked at the pictures later and hated myself, kind of like when I gaze upon my 14-year old self in acid-washed jeans with three decorative denim knots down by the ankles and I think, "Why didn't I SEE? WHY DID NO ONE SEE?" Still, this is even weirder to me. Acid-washed jeans with twee adornments were, at least, in fashion at one point. Necktie dresses? Never. Because they are NECKTIES. And that is a NECKTIE BELT. There's a reason they put the word "neck" in there, people. BECAUSE THEY GO ON YOUR NECK. DO WE REALLY NEED TO TAKE REMEDIAL KINDERGARTEN-LEVEL ANATOMY TODAY? I CANNOT STOP SHOUTING. If I were in Clue, a candlestick would have dropped on my head by now and knocked me out cold.

Just wanted to thank you all for the hilarious and helpful nominations for Fug Madness 2009. I think we can all agree it's utterly tragical that these two apparently spent all of last year in a cave:

I think I might really like this. It's one of those dresses that probably only works if you're Charlize, you're 7-foot-45 and model-thin, and your legs are longer than a marathon.



If I -- in all my 5'5"-on-a-good-day glory -- tried to put that on, I'd look like I'd been ambushed by the worst gift-wrapper in Nordstrom history. But the glamazonian Ms. Theron can wear all that fabric and still have ten yards of leg poking out the bottom, so it's not as overwhelming as it would be on anyone else. It's times like this that I wish Willy Wonka had a factory nearby so I could go on a tour and maybe accidentally get caught in some sort of stretching contraption, miraculously being rescued just when my height hits six feet. Sure, it would hurt, but fashion is pain.

That said, I'm still not sold on the neckline: Is it just me or does she look like she might be choking a little?

Riddle me this, Batfuggers:


[Photo: Splash News]

If we've gone from pants to leggings, and then leggings to PLAIN OLD TIGHTS, how long is it going to be before Lindsay leaves the house wearing NOTHING AT ALL?

Just wondering.

Oops, Fashion magazine -- because if Mary-Kate really "can't stand looking like everybody else," then she's probably going to hate this cover, in which she looks like: a) a fairly generic, if still pretty, tousled blonde with dark eye makeup wearing a boring white sweater; b) the Joker before he's applied his makeup for his daily fear-mongering rampage; and c) an actress who's had so much collagen shot into the skin under her nose that one might assume a duck bill had been implanted in there surgically. Now, I realize the quote probably means she hates DRESSING like everyone else -- which means she must be irate that the likes of Shenae Grimes and flame-haired fame-whoring doofus Phoebe Price have taken to wearing shredded, homeless-looking leggings, since M-K gets credit for first plucking that style from Zoolander and turning it into a fug phenomenon -- but it's also still kind of a weird choice for the cover from a girl who has a near-clone as a twin. You know Ashley's going to run across this cover and think, "Wait, is THAT why she never gets up to watch Full House with me during the early-morning reruns? I always thought she just hated my popcorn," and then we might be barreling toward a massive miscommunication and subsequent twin estrangement that not even the soothing touch of John Stamos can mend, and then where will we be? LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MAYBE DONE, FASHION MAGAZINE. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF.

I am not an Ali Larter fan, as regular readers are aware. She is certainly very pretty, but I don't think she's nearly compelling enough on Heroes to justify their refusal to allow her character (in whatever iteration) to stay dead -- at least, for as long as I was watching, since I quit Heroes one and a half episodes into this season and have never been happier. I've also (a) personally witnessed her acting like an ass to a journalist at a press opportunity and (b) have literally never heard anything nice about her via ye old grapevine. Which is not to say that she ISN'T totally amazing as a person, but merely that perhaps her PR honchos ought to consider having her rescue a puppy from a burning building on the 405 at rush hour, just to get that balance of popular opinion back in working order. So, suffice it to say, it doesn't particularly pain me to direct your attention to this:

Apparently, according to the hilariously wise wizards over at Project Rungay, Malin Akerman's dress from the recent premiere of The Watchmen is one that Rami Kashou sent down the runway in February 2008 during the finale of his Project Runway season. And thank God they remembered that, because I had apparently blanked out his collection entirely, except for the fact that he used teal satin.

First, take a gander at the dress as it appeared on the catwalk:



And here's how it translated on Malin:

Every time we feature Phoebe Price, we get a few emails from people who are like, "WHY ARE YOU EVEN FEATURING HER?!!! GOD! LET IT GO! SHE JUST WANTS ATTENTION! I CAN'T TAKE IT!" etc. And there's a very good reason we continue to feature her. It is because I want you to suffer like I suffer.

Lately, Scarlett Johansson and I have been warring over patterns -- specifically, she keeps choosing things I hate, and it aggrieves me. So I'm pleased that this doesn't offend me:



It's a cute take on your basic animal print, it fits her gloriously, it's a good length, and in all it's rather flattering. Much better than when she looks swathed in wallpaper samples.

But her head is giving me problems. I don't hate the dark hair in general, but that is a LOT of makeup, especially paired with such a striking dress. Seriously, she's stepping into Evan Rachel Wood territory, back in the heyday of ERW's spooky affair with Marilyn Manson where she was denying turning herself into Dita Von Teese even as she dyed her hair black and started wearing enough face cake every day to supply ten mimes for a year. This may not bode well -- I hope ScarJo isn't about to go really Goth on us and leave Ryan Reynolds for some rocker with one white contact lens and the distinct air of being one who eats bunnies.

[Photo: Splash News]

ZAC EFRON: Whoa, V.

VANESSA HUDGENS: Whoa yourself.

ZAC: That didn't look so short when the chick from Guiding Light wore it. I think it looks.... maybe a bit less dumpy on you? But if you were going to shorten it, why didn't you just go the extra half-inch and make it a shirt?

VANESSA: Why didn't YOU go the extra half-inch and wash your hair?

ZAC: Dude, these are all the rage. If knit caps are good enough for Hoffman Philip Seymour, then it's good enough for me. We are both serious actors.

VANESSA: Yeah, but that was because his hair is crazy. For a PART. Yours is your TRADEMARK, Zac. Also, that's not his name.

ZAC: Sorry, Seymour Hoffman Philip.

VANESSA: Nope.

ZAC: Philip Hoffman Seymour?

VANESSA: Three strikes. You're out.

ZAC: At least I'm not wearing a throw pillow.

VANESSA: I hate it when we fight.

ZAC: I thrive on these spats. They fuel me for my future dramatic acting roles in the vein of Hoffman Seymour Philip. I want him to play my father in something.

VANESSA: Oooh, how about, like, Community Theater Group Musical? He could be our characters' mentor, who...

ZAC: You are so cute. But I'm an Actor now. I have Actor Filth, like... Mr. Capote Man... and Johnny Depp. But you go ahead with trying to get that off the ground, okay? Maybe Chace Crawford can sing.

VANESSA: You were nicer with your bangs showing.

ZAC: It's a new dawn, baby.

Here's my scandal: I love sequins. I love them. I own a sequined cocktail dress, a sequined tank top, and a sequined scarf. I just bought a sequined tee shirt from ShopBop (which is having a massive sale. You're welcome. Or, I'm sorry). I even like the word. SEQUINS. It's fun to say. When I finally achieve my most wished-for goal and marry Jon Hamm, I plan to name our first-born daughter Sequin Hamm. (Maybe not.) I am a sequinaholic and I realized that has (possibly quite literally) blinded me to Kate Hudson's crimes:



In fairness: there is A LOT GOING ON HERE. She kind of looks as though she's recently escaped from a remake of Gold Diggers of 1935, in which she is playing the gold. I hate the hair, and I am lukewarm on the shirt. (I am taking the shoes home with me when I leave, though.) I must confess, I love the skirt and the cardigan (I know, it sort of looks like a cape, but on further inspection, I am convinced that it has sleeves). HOWEVER. I am not TOTALLY CRAZY (yet: wait for the end of Fug Madness). I think she probably should not have worn them together. But seriously, the skirt with a black turtleneck? Would be cute, right? And the cardigan with, like, jeans or something? Cute, right? RIGHT? RIGHT?

This kind of bums me out. It's just SO BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH:



Maybe it's the cut, maybe it's the color, maybe it's them both, but I keep looking at this and thinking that she forgot whatever goes on top of it. Because, honestly, I think this is essentially a slip. Emily Gilmore would NOT approve.

At least Diane Kruger is never BORING. I appreciate that about her. That, and the fact that she often shows up places with Pacey Witter, who is a truly delicious accessory for any girl (or boy). This, for example, is not boring at all:



And while I am not 100% sure I love the color -- it recalls, for me, my mother's washer and dryer set from 1978 -- I do enjoy how very FANCY it is, like something you'd see on the protagonist of an early 80s BBC adaptation of a Russian novel. There's something to be said for that, after all.

As a follower of celebrity trends, a woman, a person blessed with the power of sight, and a human being, I would like to officially offer a heartfelt expression of thanks to Robert Pattinson, for showering:


You clean up so good, dude! You're so cute! Was it really that hard? (Your tie is like a hair too short, but let's pretend that was just because Kid Who Plays Jacob That Everyone Wants To Recast Maybe was throttling you with it earlier, in some kind of job-insecurity-related stress rage, and we really can't hold you responsible for that. Especially in light of the fact that you look SO MUCH BETTER THANK GOD.)

Stewart, I'll deal with you later. Let's just say...Jessica Biel's Unwashed Oscar Hair of Shame was maybe not the right choice.

Dude, I knew that when The Starter Wife was canceled (sob), Debra Messing was going to have to look for another job. I just didn't think she was going to turn to BLACK-SMITHING:


Girl, are things really that bleak? At least try community theater before giving up the ghost entirely.

Oh my God. When I first saw this photo, it was in thumbnail size, and for a moment my heart stopped because I thought Katie Price was wearing a NUN'S HABIT, and frantically scrolled around trying to find the photo in which a well-placed lightning bolt reduced her to ash.



Fortunately, Satan's lips aren't turning blue just yet -- it's just a headband over her very dark hair. I'm SO relieved that I was mistaken, I almost don't care that she's wearing animal-print leggings.

Well. almost. They're not pink, and I can't see her underboob, so in a sense this is a miracle in our time ALMOST worthy of taking the veil. But, the damn things still make me want to bang my head on my water glass and shout, "ALTOIDS." Excuse me -- I should probably go tape protective padding around all the sharp edges in my home office.

"Most beloved Totem of Fug: You have served me well, O Master. You have born in me a legend, a superheroic and hypnotic hold over observers of all things fugly, and tirelessly molded me into a deep badass. Thank you for my destiny, and for helping me start my campaign for the 2010 Fug Madness by wearing something Rainbow Brite's psychic would put on for a reading. I eagerly await your next orders, Beloved One. If you need me to sacrifice something other than my own closet -- say, a twit like Paris Hilton -- you have but to ask and it will be done. All Hail."

Listen, Duffster, I applaud your moxie for taking on Faye Dunaway. For anyone not familiar with this incredibly unlikely feud, the facts are these: When Faye found out that Hilary has been cast as the title character in a new adaptation of Bonnie & Clyde -- an iconic Dunaway role for which she received an Oscar nomination -- Madam Faye allegedly said something along the lines of, "Couldn't they at least have cast a real actress?" This prompted Hilary to retort to the press, "I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

Two thoughts:

1) Fair point, Duff. I might ALSO be mad if I had done what Fay possibly did to her eyes, at the very least. In fact, without regard to our personal safety, we totally nominated La Dunaway in our book, The Fug Awards, in the "Dr. Noooooo!" category for worst alleged plastic surgery. BUT...

2) If you are going to talk back, you might not want to run around in things like this:


[Photo: WENN.com]

Not only have your legs apparently turned purple recently, but if Faye gets wind of you running about town looking like you are three feet tall and completely comfortable flirting with paper shredders, she is going to run you through hers and then use your pulpy, bloody flesh-paste to spackle some holes in her wall.

Which brings me to: