Fugovision Song Contest: Rehearsals

The greatest and saddest time of year for us is when the Eurovision Song Contest comes around: Great because we get to see photos of the random international singers wearing, like, houses and beer steins and monster death masks, but sad because we don't get to WATCH any of it from the comfort of our living room couches (I'm one of those quaint types that still hates watching stuff online), nor hear the juicy rumors resulting from the fact that it's also essentially a big drunk fiesta that even involves the Eurovision people setting up their own nightclub for a week.

Some years, our image sources don't even have the pictures, so we can't always share the glory with you. But this year, a few rehearsal photos for the semi-finals have appeared, so I figured we might as well celebrate now just in case we can't do it later. Plus, how could I possibly resist sharing this?

[Photo: Splash News]

This woman, Susanne Georgi, is the Andorran entry. She is also 32, which is not maybe what you'd expect to hear given that she's dressed like the Disney Princess version of one of the Peldon sisters.

I hope she gets hammered and hooks up with this man:

Meet Radoslav "Gypsy" Banga. He's representing the Czech Republic with what Wikipedia says is his own special brand of Romani Rap, set to Balkan brass band music. I'm not kidding. I have no idea what Romani Rap sounds like, but evidently a critical part of it is being able to dress like the ringmaster of the Circus of the Superheroes. Right now he is explaining, "My trapeze bar is THIS BIG, if you know what I am saying, ladies."

These people look like his groupies:

But in fact, this is Hadise -- the Turkish entry -- and her backup genie, both in harem pants slit so high that their waxers could get the job done without ever having to remove them. Maybe that's part of their stage show.

This woman is Elena, representing Romania, and her fungal costume would be a lot more stirring if she were performing a long-form ice skating routine at the Olympics to the score from the movie Outbreak. I suspect she chose it to gel with the song's overall message, as it apparently includes the lyric, "My hips are ready to glow. This record is so hot and I have so much to show." And also: "I'm gonna start my weekend with gin tonic and lime. My girls take me for a ride, ready to party and looking so fine. I wonder if beyond this, there could be something better." Something BETTER than boozing it up and going to clubs and airing out your upper thighs? I am pretty sure all the girls on The Hills would argue that's the apex of a lady's existence.

By comparison, Iceland's entry, Johanna Jonsdottir, is way overdressed:

By everyone else at Eurovision's standards of what it means to be clad appropriately for a concert, this kid could make three outfits out of just this one. And hey, Iceland's economy is in the tank; it might behoove her to demonstrate frugality. Then again, if it truly cheers up her nation to have her out there looking like a Muppet's wedding cake, then she should forge ahead without fear.

And finally, we have Bulgaria's Krassimir Avramov, who -- with his cohort, the Emerald City's most popular palm-reader -- will be performing a song called "Illusion." I hope it's about people who dress up and enact their Dungeons and Dragons characters, and includes a musical interlude wherein interpretive dancers enact a battle scene. If not, then there is no point to that tunic and cape, and it's a grave sin to pull those out of the closet if you don't REALLY mean it.