I suspect Phoebe Price is not done at Cannes, since the festival just started and she -- against all odds -- seems to have invitations to every single premiere in town. But she already whipped out so many outfits that leaving them all for one massive post-Cannes omnibus seems like a mountain neither of us is strong enough to climb, or at least, not without several oxygen tanks and about ten sherpas who look like David Boreanaz.
But where to start... I suppose here is as good a place as any:
She is like a peacock, or an exotic predators of the wild who lures you in with plumage and then feasts on your flesh, before breaking into an elaborate hat-twirling song-and-dance number about the joys of being a jungle carnivore. Who wears half-gloves.
Showmanship, rather than her usual semi-nudity, appears to have been her M.O. this weekend. It's she's replaced using her boobs, thighs, and ass cleavage as accessories by overdosing on ACTUAL accessories:
But where to start... I suppose here is as good a place as any:
She is like a peacock, or an exotic predators of the wild who lures you in with plumage and then feasts on your flesh, before breaking into an elaborate hat-twirling song-and-dance number about the joys of being a jungle carnivore. Who wears half-gloves.
Showmanship, rather than her usual semi-nudity, appears to have been her M.O. this weekend. It's she's replaced using her boobs, thighs, and ass cleavage as accessories by overdosing on ACTUAL accessories:
Between the textured skirt, the bodice that seems to be made of a bathing suit, that hat, and the sash of cheesy flowers ending in her collarbone exploding with black tulle, it's as if she is the flower arrangement at the funeral of one of Cannes' most beloved synchronized swimming duos.
This, I would expect to see on a minor British royal -- like, the moneyed second-cousin of a Duchess, or something -- at a wedding, or perhaps a horse race. I wonder if I would find this glorious in that context, whereas on Phoebe Price, it feels like she bought the dress in Forever XXI's prom department and then made the lid at home while watching the grainy VHS tape she probably has of Fergie and Andrew's nuptials.
** Also, I guess this might even be the same dress as the black one she wore in the first photo? If not it's eerily similar. This is either totally loony, or she designed it herself and is hoping you will all decide you need one in every color. Or both. I attribute me not noticing that the first time around to the fact that having to write about these five dresses broke my brain and made my eyes cross -- and I haven't even STARTED on tomorrow's Eurovision post.
Here, she is simply the spawn of a torrid affair Linda Evans had with a disco ball.
And I don't know WHAT this is. But I do fear she's getting lazy, because that tired black fascinator is totally out of place with a dress the color of tropical water that's coughing ruffles and cheap bling all down her front. Come on, Phoebe, buck up -- it's just the early round of premieres. Don't run out of energy on us yet, because at Cannes, you tend to be the snack that sates our fug appetites between the making lunch and dinner ouf of ACTUAL celebrities.
