July 2009 Archives

July 31, 2009

Vicky Fugstina Barcelona

Fug file:

After much thought, I believe I have finally figured out the deal with this:

It's SO obvious. I felt like Kyra Sedgwick during that moment on every episode of The Closer where she's, like, drinking a Fanta or something and it causes her to realize that OF COURSE the killer is the victim's neighbor's hairdresser's boyfriend, who works at the recycling plant! (Kyra, I love your hair. Please never break up with Kevin. You are my favorite long-term celebrity couple. Should you divorce, I fear the four horsemen and locusts would follow.) P. Cruz is quite clearly engaging in some high-concept, low-tech form of CAMOUFLAGE, allowing her suit to blend in with the red carpet in order to highlight her face (beautiful as ever) and her shoes (which WILL be mine. Oh, yes. They will be mine). I can't believe I didn't put this together earlier! Time to celebrate with a Fanta.

July 31, 2009

Umfugga

This is SUCH a relief:

[Photo: Splash News]

I, TOO, have days when I feel like I have nothing to wear. But now that Rihanna has gone out in this, I feel confident that I also can run out to the market or the drugstore wearing the throw I've got draped over the sofa -- without ridicule! Admittedly, hers is Missoni and mine is from Target, but it's all sort of the same, right? RIGHT?

July 31, 2009

FugWatch

Fug file:

wearing white

Dude.

[Photo: Splash News]

We are reaching the point, Pammy, where your clothes are technically clothing only in the strictest, most technical sense of the word, like how TECHNICALLY Cheetos are considered food (no offense, Cheetos: I still love you), and TECHNICALLY Heidi Pratt is a recording artist. You're not dumb, Pam. Do you REALLY want to be wearing the Heidi Pratt of pants? I didn't think so.

July 31, 2009

Living Fughan

A Open Letter to The Tiniest Lohan (Boy Child)

Dear Boy Lohan,

You don't know me, but I have followed the antics of your family since your sister Lindsay was about your age. Please believe me when I say that I have your best interests in mind, and that I once treasured a great and terrible fondness for your sister, a fondness that would persist to this day if she didn't have such a nasty habit of stealing my best cocaine-lined pants and then going on crime sprees.

So, Boy Lohan, please listen to what I say, and listen well. I give you my advice with all the love in the world beating in my heart: (a) your mother is not naturally the burnished oaken color of a fine piece of furniture, and it's recently been proven that tanning beds are as deadly as arsenic, so DON'T let her talk her into bronzing you in her imagine, if you value your health/your youthful good looks and (b) you are an adorable child, ergo my advice to you is RUN. RUN CHILD RUN. RUN FAR AWAY FROM THEM ALL. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT YOUR SISTER HAS BECOME?

LOOK AT HER:

SAVE YOURSELF! RUN, CHILD. RUN. SECRET YOURSELF AWAY IN THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES OF THIS GREAT WIDE COUNTRY. FOREVER! RUN NOW, BOY CHILD, RUN AWAY FROM THEIR CLUTCHES AND DON'T EVER COME BACK! SAVE YOUR INNOCENCE WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME! RUN!

Best wishes and I hope to never see your face on a photo service again, young man. NOW GO! GO! STOP READING THIS AND GO!

Love,

Jessica

July 31, 2009

Fugney and Lacefug

Fug file:

people we don't see out much

I love Tyne Daly as much as anyone.

So let's all just agree that she surely has her reasons for this and look the other way. LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

July 30, 2009

NY Fug.com: We Miss Posh's Lady Lumps

In what is clearly the most sensitive, intellectual, and serious soul-searching piece we've ever written:

"Being Victoria Beckham became a career of its own -- it takes a lot of work to find sunglasses whose lenses are larger than one's fake boobs -- and she made it look fun. On Posh's list of commandments, etched into stone tablets by a press-on nail, we're pretty sure "Thou Shalt Not Be Ordinary" was at the top of the list, perhaps right under "Thou Shalt Not Smile, for Thy Face Might Look Fat.""

But now she's TAKEN OUT HER BREAST IMPLANTS. We don't know how to DEAL WITH THIS. We HATE CHANGE. Why, Posh? WHHHHY? Etc, at NY Mag.com.

July 30, 2009

Love Sex Fugs

Fug file:

MOLLY SIMS:...Ciara.

CIARA: ...Molly.

MOLLY: What did they tell YOU the dress code was for this thing?

CIARA: Um. Joan Collins: Bandleader. Obviously. What did they tell you?

MOLLY: Depressed Horse Trainer. Clearly.

CIARA: Huh.

MOLLY: What are these bitches trying to do to us?

CIARA: Let's get 'em.

July 30, 2009

Fuggers and Sisters

Fug file:

ombre

I'm not sure if Sarah Jane Morris here is coming back for the next season of Brothers and Sisters -- her character kind of got some blowback from Balthazar Getty getting downgraded to only being a recurring rather than a regular character -- but if she IS out of a job, I don't know that this is going to make her look that much more alluring to the suits:

For one thing, that sleeve is one hell of a fire hazard. Imagine the insurance costs alone!

July 30, 2009

Fug or Fab: Chloe Sevigny

Fug file:

Sometimes I like to just post these and make you vote without saying ANYTHING that could possibly bias you to vote either with or against me.

So I will just state a fact -- that C. Sev's legs are SERIOUSLY GREAT and her trainer needs to write a book -- and open your polling place:

poll by twiigs.com

July 30, 2009

Doncha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Fug Like Me?

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I KNOW Kimberly Wyatt here is one of the Pussycat Dolls -- and considering how often she's been seen out and about by herself in some kind of wackjob outfit, I assume she's making a play for a solo career -- but I seriously, SERIOUSLY would not be able to ID her to the LAPD if she ran me over with her car:

"Officer, she was wearing the MOST terrible outfit. No, really. This awful black ruffled skirt, and this horrible cheap-looking twee belt? But the worst part with the lace-trimmed leopard print bustier! YES, OFFICER, I JUST USED THE WORD 'BUSTIER.' And her SHOES, my GOD, officer, her shoes were TERRIBLE. They were so TACKY. Oh! And she had yellow nail polish -- now, yes, I know that's sort of in right now but I tried it myself in February and let me assure you, officer, that if done incorrectly it looks unfortunately like you have a terrible fungus, which is exactly what happened to me AND to her. Oh, god, it was terrible. What's that? Her face? Oh. Oh, god. I haven't the foggiest idea."

July 30, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Taylor Momsen

Fug file:

Teen Vogue

So, as I think I've said before, I kind of totally love Teen Vogue. For one thing, I love its handy size. It fits right in my purse. (Well, my purse is huge. I could fit the OED in there. But TV fits inside it EASILY.) It's always a treat to flip though on a plane. And I like that they haven't tried to tamp down Taylor Momsen's....Momsenness. I mean, say what you will about her look -- and we have -- she certainly does have her own style and it's nice that they're attempting to working with it. Giving her some kind of wholesome fluffy look would probably be about as successful as trying to shove a grapefruit through the eye of a needle, so props for not even trying. I love her trench. And I honestly think the styling here is pretty great. But...let's talk about her makeup. MUST even TEEN FREAKING VOGUE leap on Momsen's I Just Woke Up From A TOTAL Bender Wearing Heavy Eye Makeup AND Red Lipstick look? Could they not go the old Jane route and give the poor kid a mild make-under? Just a small one? A teeny one? A tiny one? One that she would barely even notice? Couldn't they even just try? I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO WASH HER FACE A LITTLE BIT. Not even the whole face. Just part of the face. The lips. Or the eyes. Or ONE eye, even. Or just her lower lip. Do something, Teen Vogue. Do anything. Don't be part of the problem.

poll by twiigs.com

July 29, 2009

Keeping Fug with the Karfugians

Fug file:

Oh honey NO

Oh, Kim Kardash.

[Photo: Splash News]

Girl, you're single now. And I'm not saying you need to start looking for a new man -- you and Reggie Bush just broke up! I get it! You're in mourning. You really want to be home rolling around in a pair of sweats and moaning, in between long stretches where all you do is eat carbs and snap at strangers innocently walking past your house to "get a room." We've all been there. But as soon as you feel ready to hear some loving, constructive advice, consider this mine: when the time comes that you feel ready to meet someone new (be it in real life or on some kind of apocalyptic reality programming in which you and Brody Jenner pick out dates for each other), MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT WEARING THOSE PANTS.

July 29, 2009

Inglourious Basfuggs

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The Inglourious Basterds premiere in Germany was just a sight to behold, you guys. I wish we could have been there! For one thing, we could have told Diane Kruger that she looks very pretty:

And then we could have whispered in the bathroom that we weren't WHOLLY sure about her hair, but LA LA LA LA WHERE'S PACEY? (Accessorizing herself with Josh Jackson was like the smartest thing ol' Krug has done in years, by the way. Well, along with starring in the National Treasure movies, which somehow manage to be WRETCHED and yet also amazing and hilarious at the same time.)

And then we could have yammered about this poor hot man, who was constantly being yelled at:

Continue reading Inglourious Basfuggs.

July 29, 2009

Lfug Bosworth

Fug file:

[Photo: Splash News]

HillsLC: Audrina, R U there?

BoobzAplenty: yes just went 2 gym wazzup

HillsLC: Lo keeps wearing those jeans. Barneys salespeople almost fainted.

BoobzAplenty: did she tuck something into it

HillsLC: YES

BoobzAplenty: ewwwwwwwwww

HillsLC: IT IS BAD IT MIGHT BE CARTOON BUGS

HillsLC: Whoa, caps lock. My phone sux.

BoobzAplenty: so do her clothes

HillsLC: I know. I'm trying not 2 walk next 2 her becuz it would damage my cred.

BoobzAplenty: do the pants still have that stain

HillsLC: YES on the thigh. Tried 2 get her 2 buy new pair but she laughed and bought shoes instead.

BoobzAplenty: tell her those pants won't get her screen time

BoobzAplenty: 2 do that she's gotta nail brody

HillsLC: OMG right?

BoobzAplenty: LOL

HillsLC: haha

BoobzAplenty: ROFLMAO

HillsLC: Gotta go before Lo turns around and asks who I'm texting. CU at the bar 2nite.

BoobzAplenty: good luck dont be afraid 2 lock her in a closet

HillsLC: I'm so using this in my next book.

July 29, 2009

The Return Of Your 2008 Fug Madness Champion

Fug file:

not a shirt

"I'm BACK, bitches."

"You thought I'd left. You thought I'd sent all my little mind-sprites back to the petting zoo. But no. I only dropped them off at the groomers for a while, and now they are back, telling me what to wear and living on my shoulder and in my ear and occasionally in my hair when I forget to brush it. And someday, probably in 30 years, when EVERYONE is wearing satin bibs as shirts and skirts are illegal if they are longer than seven inches, you will understand that I am not crazy today. I am just ADVANCED. So drink in my sparkling drama cocktail and look forward to the day when the whole world dresses like me. Of course, by then, I will be dressed like Bea Arthur. But I will blow your mind with that one another day. You're not ready now."

July 29, 2009

Private Fugtice

Fug file:

caftans,
WTF

Sometimes I think Heather and I are the only people in America watching Private Practice. Listen: it's not good. And yet it is somewhat compelling. Also, last season ended with Megan from Felicity stealing Amy Brenneman's unborn child from her womb, so I'm clearly going to be tuning in this fall. Other parts of it are also semi-intriguing. But nothing on it is as perplexing or as freaking complicated as....this....thing on KaDee Strickland, who plays the super uptight/secretly kinky/unable to love/or is she? Charlotte:

Um. I am rarely speechless. But "um" seems to cover this. Well, I mean, of course it doesn't actually cover it. But what COULD cover this? I feel like I need to invent a word for the fact that this is...in existence. Like, "mawglarrchloer," or "WHAclarg6erglee," or "flargPnts*tERPS." Something MAJESTIC and bizarre. Like....this flargPnts*tERPS WHAclarg6erglee mawglarrchloer itself.

July 28, 2009

Poker Fug

Fug file:

Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.

[Photo: Splash News]

After performing in Ibiza in this incredibly well-thought-out bra and panty set, which is clearly made to fit a child prostitute and looks like she made it out of Ace bandages and a purloined chandelier, our girl Gaga finally slipped her nips.

It's actually starting to happen in the above picture, but the following is a bit less safe-for-work -- although only a bit:

Continue reading Poker Fug.

July 28, 2009

Yvonne Strafugski

Fug file:

visible undergarments

Oh, Yvonne. I feel like dressing you should be the easiest job in the world. I mean, look at yourself:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

You're slim, you're gorgeous, you've got muscles but you're not flirting with the same East German Bodybuilder aesthetic that, say, Madonna is romancing right now. There is no need for you to wear shirts that are see-through on the red carpet. Someone, somewhere, could probably find you something in a fabric that HIDES your bra instead of making it your most noticeable accessory.

Well, except maybe for those shoes. I admit, I'm intrigued. I'd like to see them again, perhaps with something that doesn't have a whiff of wardrobe malfunction about it. Could you work on that for me? Also, make someone bring Chuck back early, because I don't want to wait until March. Oh, and I need Jeffster to play a baptism. Can you ask? Thanks so much.

But let's start with salvaging the shoes and buying shirts with a thicker ply than airport toilet paper.

July 28, 2009

Fug of Arcadia

Fug file:

Elaine Hendrix here has been in a TON of things -- I particularly remember her in Joan of Arcadia, but her C.V is long.

However, I suggest she get a new, super-high-profile job SOON because an Ed Hardy cropped-everything jumpsuit is the ideal last impression to make on the general public if and only if your sole goal in life is to become the next Mrs Jon Gosselin.

July 28, 2009

Fug or Fab: Eva Mendes

Fug file:

floral

On one hand: how charming! How garden party! How Betty Draper before you realize that beneath her shiny veneer roils a boiling vat of frustrated, tragic desperation that I have long feared will end with someone's head in an oven!

On the other hand: must those flowers be SO symmetrical that they -- to rapidly switch metaphorical gears -- somehow manage to remind of me of the scene in Sleeping With the Enemy where Julia comes home to find....HER CANNED GOODS ARE ALPHABETIZED!!!! and therefore she's about to get murdered? Some things should be haphazard, and floral prints and canned yams are two of them.

poll by twiigs.com

July 28, 2009

Fug Fug You Fug Me

Fug file:

[Photos: Splash News]

BLAKE: Penn. I'm over here. Why are you walking so far away from me?

PENN: I'm... sick?

BLAKE: You were fine an hour ago.

PENN: I forgot to brush my teeth.

BLAKE: Didn't stop you from kissing me before I got into costume.

PENN: I ... am out of excuses.

BLAKE: Correct. Because guess what: I already know why. We've discussed this before.

PENN: You were totally right. Someone in wardrobe DOES hate you.

BLAKE: WHAT IS THIS THING?

PENN: It's bad, honey.

BLAKE: For real. Take a look-see at the other side.

Continue reading Fug Fug You Fug Me.

July 28, 2009

Fugly Perry

Fug file:

You know, I was all set with a longer post about the various gag-inducing, brain-bursting sins of wearing a droopy hot-pants romper with a bunch of wrist bands from two nightclubs and one rave she had to get to by exchanging an egg.

[Photo: Splash News]

But I really think Katy Perry's facial expression says it all.

July 27, 2009

The Fugs of Eastwick

Fug file:

LINDSAY PRICE: Thank GOD I got a new job after Lipstick Jungle was so harshly canceled!

REBECCA ROMIJN: Thank GOD I got a new job after they kicked me off Ugly Betty!

OTHER WOMAN IN EASTWICK: Thank GOD I got a new job after Veronica Mars ended, even though I totally can't remember what part I played in that show despite the fact that IMDb claims it was multi-episode!

DUDE WHO'S PLAYING THE JACK NICHOLSON ROLE: Rebecca ignored that memo asking us to all wear "a charming, small print top." WHY DIDN'T I?

July 27, 2009

Smallfug

Fug file:

I find it very easy to forgive Girl On Smallville for wearing a dress over jeans:

The continued production of Smallville makes ME feel like it's 2003 ALSO.

July 27, 2009

The Fug Whisperer

Fug file:

JAMIE KENNEDY: I don't know about this.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: What are you talking about? I look GREAT!

JAMIE: No. I mean ME. I don't know about ME.

J LO HEW: What about you?

JAMIE: I look like an airline pilot from the waist up and a Jonas brother from the waist down. I'm the captain of Air Jonas.

J LO HEW: And I'd like an upgrade!

JAMIE: I don't even know what that means.

J LO HEW: Because...you know, like, to first class?

JAMIE: That joke implies you'd like to upgrade from ME. To a better boyfriend.

J LO HEW: That's not what I meant, OBVIOUSLY.

JAMIE: That's what it sounds like.

J LO HEW: Why would I want another boyfriend? What are the chances of meeting someone else who will allow me to dress them like this? No one else would let me...I mean, never mind.

JAMIE: I KNEW IT!

July 27, 2009

G.I Oh My God

Fug file:

Hot damn:

Chuck Bass is going to look AMAZING wearing this next season on Gossip Girl

July 27, 2009

Iron Fug 2

As I waded through the magazine graveyard on my coffee table, I came across the Entertainment Weekly that has the cast of Iron Man 2 on the cover and thought, "Damn, ScarJo looks really kind of hot with the dark red hair and that makeup. Well done, her."

And then:

The individual elements are not awful, necessarily, but the sum of the parts equals Infinite Blah (which, coincidentally, could be the title of a thesis analyzing Scarlett's movie performances, and yes, I do include Lost In Translation; I am apparently the only person in the world who thought that movie was as interesting as watching a placemat for signs of intelligence). For starters, ScarJo looks more like a bad wax replica of herself: overly shiny, awkwardly posed, and just off, possibly because the blurry-eyed sculptor picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. But the top of the dress rubs me the wrong way, too -- it evokes a very elaborate support garment that's never meant to see the light of day except at a Sears catalog shoot, and I don't think it fits her as well as she thinks it does. I don't know, somehow the whole feh-ness of this ensemble makes me dislike it even more strongly than if it had been made of, say, linoleum and a My Little Pony.

Although, let's face it, you totally want to see THAT outfit. I'm sure Lady Gaga will wear it jogging in a week.

July 27, 2009

Divaliciously Well Played, J.Lo

Fug file:

[Photo: Splash News]

"Whaaaaat? For ME? You threw a surprise party for little meeeee? I just thought it was a plain old night out on the town! Why ELSE would I be wearing my tile-grout-scrubbling Grecian ball gown and my waffle-making jewelry and my Clean The Toilet Day updo and my diaper-changing makeup and my naptime cleavage?!? CLEARLY I had no IDEA anything like this would happen tonight! Marc, you wiry string bean of mischief! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL! Just for that when we go home, you may prick my finger and snack on it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE!"

July 24, 2009

Bits and Bobs

Fug file:

housekeeping

Because it's Friday, it's time for the bullet points. Complete sentences require too much effort:

Heather and I recently wrote a piece for AOL's Lemondrop blog about the perils of wearing white (and how to avoid them), helpfully illustrated by celebrities. In case you were wondering:

"The actual last thing you want to look like is a runaway bride. Who had to climb over an electrical fence."

Of whom are we speaking? You'll have to read it to find out. Dum dum DUM! I know the suspense is killing you.

A gentle reminder that you can also follow us on Twitter. It's fun!
I really don't have another bullet point, but it seems lazy to only have two. If you only have two, you really CAN write a proper paragraph.
OH! I thought of one. We've gotten tons of emails about Fergie's latest -- so far I haven't been able to find it from any of our photo providers, which is why it hasn't gone up here yet but you MUST check it out courtesy of our friends at People Magazine. It's like what you'd wear if you felt as though your torso didn't look enough like an owl. I don't know about you, but I seriously think that all the time.

July 24, 2009

Fug a Bow

Fug file:

...And now we all know what the hypothetical adult offspring of Rihanna and Karl Lagerfeld would look like. I'd been wondering.

July 24, 2009

Lady Fugalade

Fug file:

I know I've said that you should wear whatever you want on your birthday. This photo is from Lil' Kim's birthday party.

I never really stopped to consider that "whatever you want" might be lingerie topped by a vampire's kitchen apron, but I guess I have to just stick to my convictions and wish her many happy returns. This is what I get for making blanket statements. Thanks for the life lesson, Kim.

July 24, 2009

Waking Up in Fug...Well-Played-ly-ish?

Fug file:

You know it's Friday, and you're tired, when you think to yourself, "hmmm, I guess I DO really prefer fuzzy dice to bananas," and you're referring to clothing options.

Although I can't imagine in what scenario other than A Mental Stock-Taking of the Many Costumes of Katy Perry you'd be discussing the two at all. Well. I can. But it'd be as weird and unsuccessful dirty euphemisms and this is a family blog. (Although, if they're shaped like dice, you should see a doctor.)

July 24, 2009

Fug or Fab/Unfug It Up: Diane Kruger

Fug file:

Okay, Diane. I see where you were going here.

[Photo: Splash News]

It's a little black dress, very girly, paired with some cute shoes and your favorite accessory: your legs. (Well, second-favorite; we're pretty sure Pacey is her first choice of adornment with any outfit, and that's as it should be. If Intern George ever quits -- PERISH THE THOUGHT -- Pacey just might have a place here with us.)

Ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes, D.Krugs: I just don't know. The twee tutu-ruffle around her hips looked, at first, like her pockets are inside-out, as if she'd been frisked on her way in and not put back together properly. This led my mind on a long and winding path to the movie Clue, whereupon I decided Diane's look here is one part Yvette, one part Mrs. White (please God, not the part where she offs her gentlemen friends), and one part that moment where Wadsworth says, "The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever's got the gun... IS THE MURDERER."

All that stuff, of course, is awesome. But as a fashion statement? On a day that's NOT Halloween, nor a local showing of Clue in which a group of players re-enacts it in front of the screen while the audience interacts Rocky Horror-style and shows up in costume (yes, such a thing DOES exist and I've been, and it rules, and I really regret not arriving in a Mrs. White wig)? I'm not sure.

I would keep all the accessories and start over on the dress -- specifically, lopping off the tutu, and adjusting the sweetheart neckline, which doesn't quite look as though it properly fits. Then, maybe some lipstick that's less of a cousin to that whole baby-pink trend. And I'd for sure adjust her hair, because as it is, the greased-back-but-flowy thing just makes her look like she's trying to approximate a mullet. No no, Diane. One cannot go half-hearted with a mullet. You go big or go home.

What would YOU change, if anything? Discuss it in the comments. The usual rules apply: no in-fighting, no back-biting, no arm-wrestling, no using anyone's face as dust rag, etc.

July 24, 2009

My New BFugF

Fug file:

Dear Dubai:

We must talk. It's my understanding that Paris Hilton recently spent three weeks in the United Arab Emirates filming a version of her fallacious search-for-a-best-pal reality show that would be aimed at audiences in the Middle East. In light of that information, I have but two requests for you. One, may we send along a note to be read aloud at the beginning of every episode, in which the rest of America totally disclaims its association with her and swears to your entire geographic region that we are not ALL twit strumpets with an allergy to syllables and vocal inflection?

And two:

Are you SURE you don't want to keep her? We don't really need her any more -- I'm not sure we ever did -- and I think she's actually TRYING to make her boobs pop out of this dress on the red carpet, which means she's effectively attempting to do something on purpose that made even Tara Reid cry when it happened to her by accident. That's saying something. So really... I mean, if you want her, please, we'll give her up. Maybe we'll even throw in the sister.

Pretty please?

Love,
Heather

July 23, 2009

Saphfugger

Fug file:

So, it appears Katie "Jordan" Price has a new book out!

It's called Sapphire -- as perhaps we should have guessed from her thematically appropriate ensemble - and it's about string theory with a special emphasis on black hole entropy. Oh, wait. I'm wrong. It's actually about a party planner named Sapphire who learns to love again. OR DOES SHE? (I haven't read the book, but I bet that she does.)

I must salute Katie for her...commitment to sparkle motion, shall we say? This girl is wholly willing to dress like a deranged extra from an Adult production of Swan Lake -- let's call it Swan Naked, perhaps, or Swoon Lake, if we're going to be classy about it -- if that's what it takes to move the merchandise. Whatever that merchandise may be. Ahem.

July 23, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Katherine Heigl

Fug file:

In Style

Katherine Heigl? Pretty. The dress? Pretty. This picture? Pretty...AWKWARD. AM I RIGHT, LADIES? THANKS EVERYONE, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

poll by twiigs.com

July 23, 2009

Solo Fug

Fug file:

SOLANGE KNOWLES. You have GRAVELY DISAPPOINTED ME.

Sure, you've belted what is obviously just a large pajama top and left the house in it. BUT SO WHAT? That's totally JV Fug Squad behavior and you know it. You're a star on the varsity team! You'd have been voted Rookie of the Year last year if it hadn't been for that pesky -- and curiously currently MIA -- Aubrey O'Day! Honestly, if this thing were two inches longer, you'd look totally normal. WHITHER THE FEATHERS? Where is your face paint? WHY aren't you wearing leggings with, like, bagels or casserole dishes printed on them? (I'm hungry.) Shouldn't you be wearing a bolero jacket made of twigs, sewn together with dental floss? As the bumper sticker says, Solange, WHY BE NORMAL?

PS: I just read that you shaved your head yesterday, prior to this function, and that you're wearing a wig here. DUDE! THAT is what I'm talking about. And while I'm relieved to see that you're clearly wearing something quasi-nutty in those shots of you sporting the bald look, I have to tell you non-sarcastically: you look awesome bald. Seriously. Way better than Britney. Your head is well-formed. So, my further advice is to ditch the wig and rock your skull. OMG: You could even occasionally allow your face paint to DRIFT ONTO YOUR HEAD. Promise me you'll think about it. PLEASE SOLANGE.

July 23, 2009

Fugly the Spy

Fug file:

Oh, TRACHTENBERG.

It's come to this? Posing in front of Guess watches in an unhemmed, wrinkled satin jumpsuit? Pull it together. You were in Ice Princess, for Christ's sake.

July 22, 2009

Fug or Fab: Sienna Miller

Fug file:

great shoes,
grey

I have a confession to make. It is really going to shock you. So, I took a little mini-break to Portland this past weekend and I lugged all my magazines onto the plane to do some catch-up reading. I was like three months behind on Vogue. And I finally got to the Sienna Miller issue and I was reading her profile in it and...she came off kind of charming. I KNOW. But she seemed kind of rueful and self-deprecating and like...normal. I know, I've got years of complaining about her behind me but I am willing to admit that I kind of liked her after I read the article and maybe it was just the altitude talking but there you are. Don't worry. I'm SURE this won't last. Although she's being a good sport about what happened on this recent G.I. Joe photocall:

I guess someone had the bright idea to transport the actors across the Thames in one of those white-water-rafting-type boats and Sienna, obviously, got drenched en route. Hee. I have to say, good on her for just going with it.

But let's take a look at her pants:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Sienna Miller.

July 22, 2009

In Fugging Color

Fug file:

Comedian Tommy Davidson just wants you to know one thing:

His new abs workout is going GREAT!!

July 22, 2009

Amusingly Played, Miami Dolphins

Fug file:

[Photo: Splash News]

MARC ANTHONY: Wow! What a nifty personalized athletic shirt.

J.LO: Heheheheheeeeee! My Marc, he is so precious, like a tiny wee pixie but with hormones! That shirt will eat him alive!

MARC: It is pleasing to me that the Miami Dolphins NFL Organization, which I own a piece of now, has provided me with this important shirt. Does everyone get one?

J.LO: Tee hee! It will NEVER fit him! Not even if I boil it twenty times! Mi pequeñito precioso! I had to wear my hair in barettes like I'm eight, so that I seem as teensy as he is! Thank God the rest of me looks smoking hot!

MARC: This athletic shirt symbolizes how committed I am to the game of NFL.

J.LO: Ha ha ha ha, he thinks a touchdown is when a plane lands! But that is okay, because a Certain Someone whose name rhymes with Len Affbleck knows all ABOUT sports and HE does not have his own Dolphins jersey, AND he got all bloaty that one time! HA HA HA!

MARC: And look, there's a number on it. Does that match my seat number?

J.LO: I mean, really, He Who Must Not Be Named doesn't own a piece of a professional sports team! WHO'S BETTER NOW, LORD VOLDYFLECK?

MARC: I can pair this with suit pants, right? Do I need a necktie? .

J.LO: Do not worry, Miami fans, I am here to help. My Marc, he will learn the ways of the jersey.

MARC: Yes. I will be sure to wear this when I am doing athletic things, like... walking, and pumping lead.

J.LO: And I will be sure to wear mine AS A DRESS. Because if there's one thing Mrs. Ben Dumbface does not have, it's a dress made of sports! So WATCH OUT, lady! I will win again!

July 22, 2009

Fuglycat Dolls

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I never understood why everyone flipped out about Kate Gosselin's haircut. Yes, it's not great, but it's also not the first of its kind. Posh Spice did it long before the reverse-mullet was even a glint in Kate's eye, and even Kimberly Wyatt -- who I know is of The Pussycat Dolls only because that's what the Internet keeps insisting -- beat her to it.

Hopefully this is not an ongoing pattern for them wherein Kate picks up their messy thirds. Because we all know Posh has gone pantsless before, and sure enough, here comes Kimmy:

[Photo: Splash News]

That's not a shirt. That's two flannel pillowcases pinned together at the shoulders. I've seen infants in more full-coverage outfits, and half of their ensembles involve the word "Pampers." Please, Kate Gosselin, do not pick up this cue from your hair twin. I already accidentally saw paparazzi photos of you flashing your underwear; I do not need any more of you (or your odious ex) in my life.

But, back to Kimberly Wyatt: Based on the facial expression of the woman behind her, I have a sneaking suspicion that Kimberly here is using those tights as trousers, espousing the tragic "you can't spell 'panty hose' without 'pants'" school of thought. Let's take a look-see:

Continue reading Fuglycat Dolls.

July 21, 2009

Fug or Fab: Toni Collette

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When I saw this photo, I actually squealed, "Oh! Toni Collette!" I love her and I kind of forgot she existed. (I don't watch her Showtime show. In fact, I have no idea why I still even HAVE Showtime now that The Tudors has forgotten it's a soap opera and has been exclusively focusing on old dudes arguing about religion. BORING.)

And I think she looks pretty great, from the hem of her skirt upwards (although I would put on some lipstick if I were her, I choose to believe that maybe she just left it all on the side of her martini glass just before this photo was snapped). But let's look at the leg/foot situation:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Toni Collette.

July 21, 2009

Superfug

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Jonah Hill. Buddy. Take a seat. We've got to have a little chat.

Okay, dude. Listen. I'm only telling you this for your own good, and because while I have historically had issues with the characters you've played in the past, I really, really loved you in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, if only because Russell Brand was so freaking awesome in his scenes with you. But there are some things you must know. Namely: you look like you just rolled out of a sweaty three-day coke bender and it's doing you no favors. Funny men can look sharp too, you know -- witness Jon Stewart. And Stephen Colbert. Will Arnett nearly always looks fantastic. Neil Patrick Harris. Seth Rogan of late. Judd Apatow at this very event. The list is not a short one. I know you are a man of some heft (and I am of the belief that people should be of whatsoever heft they choose, so good for you), but the world is full of wealthy men with a wider circumference than your own and all of them manage to find shirts where the neck fits properly, so I am certain that you -- or someone in your employ -- is also capable of that. You could also then properly fasten your tie. Speaking of which, I must protest your brown suit/black tie combo. It somehow manages to make you look like an uncouth Sterling Cooper client whom Don Draper will eventually utterly shame in a totally smooth, suave, understated and AWESOME way whilst OWNING you in his meticulously-cut suit and clean-shaven neck. Do you REALLY want to be traipsing around town looking like someone who's just waiting to receive a brutal dressing down for crass uncouthness? Just wondering. Because you really could look so much better. Consider it, please. For all of us. For humanity.

PS: IF I SEE THOSE SHOES ONE MORE TIME THEY'RE GOING IN THE FIRE.

July 21, 2009

Lo Bosfugth

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Ode To A Half-Hearted Reality TV Star Who Needs Girlfriends, A Mirror, And A Clue:

[Photo: Splash News]

There was a young Hills star named Lo
Whose dress sense surely did blow.
That shirt with those pants!
Please, allow me to rant
That she looks like she's got a 3-inch torso.

There was a young dude who looked sad
That Lo's outfit was so truly bad.
He stared straight ahead
And wished he were dead
But, alas, he was stuck in this picture walking behind a person who seriously did not know better than to wear that tight strapless thing tucked tightly into high-waisted skinny jeans, like, did she not learn that lesson in 1991 when it was the era of the snap-crotch bodysuit?

THE END. I hope you liked my poem. I worked really hard on the meter, obviously.

July 21, 2009

Efugabeth Banks

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Okay, Elizabeth Banks. What HAPPENED?

[Photo: Splash News]

With the hair and the roots and the weirdly shiny and taut face.... you look like Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore, thrown in a blender along with the clearance rack of off-size clothes at Contempo Casuals. Hell, you look like the entire Grey Gardens press tour, but shot out of a cannon. GET HELP.

July 20, 2009

NYFug.com: The Painful Desperation of Lilo's "Labor Pains"

Poor Lilo:

"Remember back in 2006 when [Dina Lohan] fought rumors of Lindsay's on-set unprofessionalism on Georgia Rule by swearing she'd win an Oscar for it? Yeah, that didn't happen: Critically reviled, the film asked people to enjoy watching LiLo play a brat who teased a male naïf into exploring her crotch. No, really. So maybe it's no surprise that she signed on to Labor Pains, despite there being nothing endearing or clever in the plot about a struggling girl who fakes a pregnancy to keep her job (evidently a messy ponytail and sensible pants are code for "poor")."

So. That movie was not good. Read all about it -- and what being in a cable movie means for old Lindsay -- over at NY Mag.com.

Seriously. That girl needs someone to fix her. Mel Gibson? I know he's crazy but it kind of worked for Britney.

July 20, 2009

It's Not Your Fault: Vanessa Williams

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KYLE MACLACHLAN: Hey, Vanessa.

VANESSA L. WILLIAMS: Kyle, hello! What's new?

KYLE: Well.

VANESSA: What?

KYLE: You look great. That dress is charming. Your bosom is spectacular.

VANESSA: Thanks!

KYLE:...

VANESSA: ...and?

KYLE: Just a word to the wise?

VANESSA: What, Kyle?

KYLE: Maybe move away from that throw pillow. You sort of...accidentally...match it.

VANESSA: Oh, good god. Why didn't anyone TELL ME?

KYLE: That's my job.

July 20, 2009

Desfugerate Housefugs

Fug file:

I'm Scared

So, I'm sure I'm not the first person to note this, but Sopranos (and soon to be Desperate Housewives) actress Drea de Matteo looks FREAKISHLY like Lindsay Lohan in this picture, to the extent that when I saw her walking next to Samantha Ronson I automatically figured it WAS Linds:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

IT'S NOT. Drea. Allow me to be blunt for a moment. RUNNING AROUND LOOKING LIKE A LOHAN CLONE IS A REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA RIGHT NOW. She is NOT the woman on whom any of us should be currently modeling ourselves. No, really. NO, REALLY. I mean, you have a job and a child to think of! RIGHT NOW IS NO TIME TO BE IMPERSONATING POOR OLD LINDSAY "NOT MY PANTS" LOHAN. If only because when she sees this photo -- and she will -- your Single White Female routine is going to launch her into a rage and she could very easily maim you. Or at least shave your head. Consider this fair warning, babe.

July 20, 2009

Fuggie Price

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Thank god Katie "Jordan" Price is handling her recent divorce with all the gentle sensitivity and low-key good taste we've all come to expect from her, much like Jon Gosselin:

[Photos: Splash News]

Poor tortured soul. Clearly she can barely manage to pull herself out of bed to be wrestled into her feather-trimmed bustier and tutu, so heart-broken is she. Shall we see how these, her virtual widows weeds, look from the rear? [Only marginally safe for work, I hate to break it to you.]

Continue reading Fuggie Price.

July 20, 2009

Fug Or Fab, Kate Walsh/Prifug Practice

Fug file:

Kate Walsh has been all about the shorts lately -- which, if I had her legs, I probably would be too. I just read something about how her divorce is about to get really ugly because her ex's lawyer is allowed to depose ABC about her earnings potential at the network, and if that's true, then I guess divorce suits her because she's clearly working out all that aggression on her quads. Thanks in large part to them, I'm actually thinking mostly favorable thoughts about her formal-shorts ensemble here.

[All photos: WENN.com]

Don't misunderstand: It's still formal shorts, and I still find that concept a bit silly. But as far as seasonal whimsy goes, Kate looks kind of fabulous here -- the suit theme is playful, and the clutch and phenomenal gold wedges accessorize it really well without taking it over the top. It all makes me want to go sit outside somewhere fabulous and have a mojito, which is quite an achievement, considering it was 103 degrees in my back yard today and merely walking to the car felt like going into menopause.

poll by twiigs.com

However, I wish the hot California sun would've incinerated this little number:

Continue reading Fug Or Fab, Kate Walsh/Prifug Practice.

July 20, 2009

Deidre Fugll

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Remember when Marlena was possessed by the devil on Days of our Lives? Well, I think he's doing it to her again.

And this time, he's got her credit card.

July 17, 2009

Fugabel Lucas

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So, I guess Isabel Lucas is in Transformers 2, and was the passenger in Shia LaBeouf's infamous car accident in which he broke his hand. Apparently, she was uninjured; now, though, I'm a trifle concerned that she did, in fact, sustain a very mild head injury that went unnoticed.

Is it possible to become selectively blind after a fender-bender? Or to lose one's perspective when it comes to, say, measurements or lengths? Or the amount of time it takes to do something? Specifically, is it conceivable that she bruised the part of her brain that says, "Hey, it's taking ten minutes to zip up these shorts -- maybe that means these shorts are heinously stupid"? You know it's bad from the waist down when I don't even CARE about her hat. I haven't seen pants that awkward since I volunteered at a nursing home in Grade 11. Or the last college football game I attended, at which most of the rich old donors wore these exact shorts with spirit t-shirts tucked really tightly into them, as they sat in front of their RVs and ate bratwursts. But a zipper as long as a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Coke seems a TAD unnecessary on a girl who's only 24, not to mention it's giving her a whisper of polterwang. And there is nothing good about that, aside from what a great book/band/album title A Whisper of Polterwang might be. Note to self...

July 17, 2009

Fugmore Girls

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You guys! It's Lorelei and Rory Gilmore!

I would be SO much more excited about this if Lorelei weren't wearing a romper as re-imagined by Chico's -- let's be honest: that would look literally 100% better if it ended in skirt because she looks great up top while her bottom half is sort of awkward -- but I choose to take solace in the fact that Rory is clearly thinking the exact same thing.

July 17, 2009

Fug Model

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Apparently, it's WTF ANTM Day here at GFY. Because Eva Pigford wasn't the only Top Model winner running around this week. The sad truth is, we're featuring my three favorite winners today. You already saw Eva, but here's poor CariDee:

She doesn't look utterly wretched. But we've GOT to talk about this hair situation. I don't know what's going on with the actual CUT, but the styling makes her look like She-Trump with an accessories fetish.

And then, like Maude, there's Jaslene:

Continue reading Fug Model.

July 17, 2009

Eva Fugford

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I am distressed to see that Eva "Changed Her Last Name To Marcille But I'm Not Buying It" Pigford is blowing her Young and Restless paycheck in the toddler section of Gymboree.

[Photo: WENN.com]

I don't care how leggy it makes her look. That thing is meant to be worn on a hot summer day by a pig-tailed moppet, not a Pigford strumpet who is still wearing her arm bracelet from last night's club.

It also tweaks me that Eva has reverted to the blonder hair color Tyra Banks picked for her, because Tyra has as stellar a record with makeovers as I have pitching no-hitters in the big leagues. But I AM deeply amused that Eva has found herself a purse that looks about as much like a hair weave as those nasty-ass things Tyra forces her models to get. In fact, I would not be at all shocked to turn on ANTM 13: Shorties On Parade to find that exact purse being sewn to some poor 5'7"-or-under girl's head, about 23 minutes before she struggles in the photo shoot and then is cut for a) not being able to pretend she's tall enough to model, and b) not understanding how to rock a cranial handbag.

July 17, 2009

Fug Or Fab/Unfug It Up: Katherine Heigl

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KATHERINE: God, I feel good. I'm pretty, I'm thin, I'm loaded, I already have an Emmy so I SERIOUSLY DON'T CARE that I wasn't nominated again NO REALLY I DON'T NEED YOUR MEANINGLESS TROPHIES, I'm in an expensive dress, I'm a brunette again and I kind of look better that way, and I'm taller than, like, everyone standing behind me right now. Life is so good.

VOICE: Hey, Katherine! KATHERINE!

KATHERINE: Who is... Oh, Jesus, no. Not him.

Continue reading Fug Or Fab/Unfug It Up: Katherine Heigl.

July 17, 2009

ESPYs Fug Carpet: Vanessa Bryant

Fug file:

athletes,
dialogue

DUDE: Whoa.

LADY: Right?

DUDE: Totally.

LADY: For REAL.

DUDE: Those are...

LADY: No kidding.

DUDE: It's like she's...

LADY: COMPLETELY.

DUDE: You'd think she could...

LADY: Seriously. It's, like...

DUDE: I don't even...

LADY: Kobe should really...

DUDE: And what's with the...

LADY: OH MY GOD, I KNOW.

DUDE: It's bad, is what I'm saying.

LADY: I feel you.

July 16, 2009

New Fug

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So I finally saw Twilight. (I just opened the Netflix envelope and there it was!) Let me tell you, NO ONE should watch that movie alone. Not because it's scary. But because so many sarcastic comments will occur to you throughout that the lack of an audience for them will quite possibly cause your head to explode. I had to resort to texting people things like, "OMG. WHAT? NO. SPARKLES! Terrible." But it taught me something important, in addition to that. Namely, that Ashley Greene is SO much prettier in real life than she is as a vampire, possibly because all the vampires in Twilight use a whisk instead of a comb to do their hair. But as pretty as she is, even she can not pull off these:

Black leather high-waisted shorts? Do I even need to ELABORATE here?

No.
No.
Hot.
No.
Sweaty
No.
Sticky.
No.
No.
Shiny
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Especially not with a sweetly twee ruffly summertime-in-the-English-countryside, "do bring me another Pimm's Cup, darling" top.
No.
Really.
I mean...maybe if you're a wrestler and you're trying to make weight.
Even then.
No.
No.
Honey, no.

July 16, 2009

Bleeding Fug

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Attach the usual disclaimers here: Leona Lewis is indeed very lovely, and she's certainly very talented and, ergo, deserves better than this:

In addition to the fact that I am really seriously concerned this thing is going to slip down and show us all her bodacious leonas, it also kind of makes her look like an aging background member of Miami Sound Machine, as it seems to have ample droopy nooks and crannies in which one could store one's maracas. I guess this is what it looks like when the rhythm DOES finally get you. I knew that song was a cautionary tale.

July 16, 2009

Fugll and Fugson

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KRISTEN BELL: Heh-heh. Heh.

RACHEL BILSON: What? Why are you laughing like an idiot?

KRISTEN: Oh, uh, nothing. Never mind. Hee. HEE.

RACHEL: This is going to get real annoying, real fast.

KRISTEN: It's just... HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF? HA!

RACHEL: What's wrong with me?

KRISTEN: Oh, I don't know. Could it be that you're wearing cuffed bermuda shorts and a matching blazer in LAMÉ?!?

RACHEL: So? If anyone could pull this off, it's me.

KRISTEN: Julia Roberts wore that outfit in Pretty Woman, except it was in orange, it was culottes, and it was 1990, and she was a hooker who didn't know better.

RACHEL: Oh, come on, admit it -- you secretly think I am working this.

KRISTEN: NEVER. In fact, I think that's the outfit Doc Brown rejected before he went back to 1985 wearing that mustard-colored caftan.

RACHEL: Well, before you throw a stone, maybe look at yourself.

KRISTEN: What's wrong with ME?

RACHEL: You got suckered into wearing one of those messy-looking dresses that seems to be sewn to a tank top. And doesn't look like it fits.

KRISTEN: HA! That's all you've got? Oh, Bilson, I win this one.

RACHEL: Maybe this battle, yeah, but not the war. UNTIL NEXT TIME, Tank Girl.

KRISTEN: Bring it, Cuffs.

July 16, 2009

ESPYs Fug Backstage/Well Played, Demi Moore

Fug file:

MICHAEL PHELPS: Oh, man. Demi Moore is so hot. Her hair is so shiny. Her dress is so pretty. I want to touch her.

DEMI MOORE: I look amazing. All the time! ALL THE TIME!

MICHAEL: She likes younger men, right? She totally does. Maybe she's looking to TRADE YOUNGER. I'm younger, AND I've got FOURTEEN gold medals. I am RAD. I can TOTALLY make this happen. Wait until I point out how easily and swiftly I can save her or any of her family members from drowning! Girls never even think of that until I point it out!

DEMI: I just wish someone would have told Phelps it wouldn't kill him to shave. Maybe I'll have Ashton give him a call. We've always got room for an extra kid at Casa KutcherMooreWillis.

July 16, 2009

ESPYs Fug Carpet: Nastia Liukin

Fug file:

At first, I thought this picture was of Stephanie Pratt. That's neither here nor there; it just struck me funny, because in general, I don't think gymnast and onetime sweetheart of our nation Nastia Liukin actually resembles the She-Pratt much at all.

ANYWAY:

It is a crying shame that a girl like Nastia, who's been a special guest in Fashion Week's front rows, got stuck with a dress that appears to have a built-in baby sling. Maybe she's trying to make some extra scratch as an on-site nanny: All the convenience of wearing your infant yourself, but with none of the back pain. Brilliant.

July 16, 2009

The ESPYS Fug Carpet/Well Played: The Williams Sisters

Fug file:

VENUS WILLIAMS: Dude.

SERENA WILLIAMS: What?

VENUS: This isn't cool, Serena.

SERENA: What are you talking about?

VENUS: You look AMAZING.

SERENA: Thanks! The last few weeks have been AWESOME. I'm really happy!

VENUS: That's what I'm talking about. Right there. That.

SERENA: I'm not following.

VENUS: We had a DEAL.

SERENA: Which deal is that? We have many deals. My favorite is the one with Oreo, with that commercial where we're having that press conference trash-talk-off with the Manning brothers and they're all, "It's on like Donkey Kong." That turned out really well. It's a really cute ad.

VENUS: No. A deal. Between you and me. A sisterly deal.

SERENA: You're going to have to refresh my memory.

VENUS: YOU WON WIMBLEDON THIS YEAR.

SERENA: Wasn't that AWESOME? Well. Maybe not totally for you. But then we won the doubles match! Again! And you won Wimbledon in 2007 AND 2008, so how steamed can you be, really, Venus? We're awesome TOGETHER! I'm just...awesomer this year. That's all.

VENUS: You're being deliberately obtuse. Whoever wins Wimbledon has to wear the caftan. AND YOU LOOK GREAT AND I'M WEARING THE CAFTAN. I'm the LOSER in a CAFTAN and that WAS NOT THE DEAL. And you KNOW IT.

SERENA: But seriously, considering that it's a caftan, you actually look really pretty cute. I mean it. I like that caftan.

VENUS: Then why aren't you WEARING IT?

SERENA: Oh, look, there's Andy Roddick! Gotta go!

VENUS: I am going to kill her when we get home.

July 15, 2009

Fug or Fab: Keri Hilson

Fug file:

yellow

Keri Hilson is so cute. And I've listened to "Knock You Down" like four times today already. That song is CATCHY. But enough about her. Let's talk about this outfit:

[Photo: Splash News]

Cropped, shiny, chartreuse pants are HARD to pull off, but I think she might just be doing it. Or I could be distracted by her earrings.

poll by twiigs.com

July 15, 2009

Natural Born Fuggers

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I don't know about you, but I'm in a pretty good mood right now. And I suspect that THIS is why:

[Photo: WENN.com]

Okay. We've got sequined pants, a pleather crop top, fingerless gloves, a bunch of ties hanging off a belt, a freaky feathery bolero jacket AND bright blue eye make-up. This is like a costume from a musical adaptation of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, called Mad? Max! crossed with some kind of hipster belly-dancing experience -- and if you don't think the hipsters are going to co-opt belly-dancing eventually, and in a way beyond just fitness classes, you're wrong. Also, I guess I'm officially old now that I'm referring to people as "hipsters" like that crotchety neighbor who is always calling to you across the street to ask you to explain something on the iPhone. But let's be honest. Not only would I see that musical, I would enthusiastically recommend it to others before heading off to my new favorite dive bar. They have belly dancing AND Pabst on tap! Thanks for the good times in advance, Juliette!

July 15, 2009

NYFug.com: In Praise of Emma Watson

Let's not even pretend today isn't exciting. I have tickets for the 8:30 Harry Potter and I can't wait (well, I guess I can wait until 8:30). What better time than now to write about little Miss Emma "Hermione" Watson and how much she -- let's be honest -- kind of rocks:

"As the Potter phase of her life enters its coda, we give Watson full marks for achieving the tricky feat of surviving teen stardom by becoming a stylish woman we'd sooner expect to see on the cover of Harper's Bazaar than The National Enquirer."

This week's column is a bit of a love letter and that's okay. After all, positive reinforcement is a powerful tool. Read the rest of it here. And happy Harry Potter day! AT LAST, WARNER BROTHERS, GOD.

July 15, 2009

Fug the Cover: Amy Adams

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While I DO want to love my hair -- I seriously considered buying the $140 shampoo discussed in this month's Lucky until I realized that might be a little bit crazy considering that I am not actually J. Lo - and as much as I fully plan to read about women who sleep with their stylists, never having had a stylist who was intrigued even vaguely by my gender, I seriously have to wonder what happened to the story that Allure's cover photo is clearly advertising. I believe it was originally called, "Conjuncti-VITAL! You CAN Pull Off The Pink Eyeshadow Trend!" Could they have possibly realized that was a bald-faced lie? And if so, does that mean the rest of the cover lines are pure honest truth and I can therefore eat like seven of those no-guilt desserts? Sign me up!

July 15, 2009

Fugdy Fugda

Fug file:

fur,
just...wow

Okay, Lady Gaga. This is it. You've stunned us with bubble dresses, heinous leotards, panty-hose, and countless flashes of your buttock flesh. You wore a hair donut. You carried a tea cup. Fine.

But this is the last straw. YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR:

[Photo: Splash News]

Tsk tsk, Gaga. You shoved your Little Miss Muffet into an Animal-head tuffet. I don't care if this is fresh off the catwalk -- you are encouraging the use of a muppet as some kind of madcap performance art, while his dead-eyed gaze peers out from under his signature monobrow as if to say, "It's too late for me. Go now. GO NOW AND SAVE YOURSELVES." Well, I will. You violate my eyes? Shame on me for looking. You play along with violating a muppet, though, and you are dead to me forever. Or, at LEAST until another slim-pickings fug day. I don't know. I have only so much inner strength. Suffice it to say that, much the way Animal was prone to doing with his face during his heyday, I hope someone picks you up and uses your crotch as a drumstick.

July 15, 2009

Fugbe Price

Fug file:

[All Photos: WENN.com]

LADY: It's you. It's YOU!

MRS. PRICE: It is! It is me! Hello there, young lady.

PHOEBE: Um, Mom, I think she's talking to ME.

LADY: OH MY GOD MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO DIE I NEED A PICTURE OF THIS.

MRS. PRICE: My, people are so friendly in this town!

PHOEBE: No, I told you, Mom, she's just spazzing over me because I'm ME. I'm FAMOUS.

MRS. PRICE: You are? For what?

LADY: YOU'RE THE CRAZY GIRL! THE CRAZY GIRL WHO WEARS THE CRAZY!

MRS. PRICE: Excuse me?

PHOEBE: What she means is, you know, that I've worn stuff, and... you know, I've done other stuff, and been around stuff, and there's the shopping, and sometimes I make things, like hats...

LADY: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DO EITHER! HOLY GOD THIS IS AMAZING. I AM GOING TO TWITTER THE SHIT OUT OF THIS.

MRS. PRICE: Well, now, I don't know if you need to use THAT kind of language, my dear.

LADY: SORRY, I MEANT, TWITTER THE HECK OUT OF THIS.

MRS. PRICE: Much better. Now, Phoebe, dear, I don't understand -- you are famous for just sort of standing around?

PHOEBE: Well, there is SOMETHING else I do...

MRS. PRICE: What is that?

LADY: OH!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

Continue reading Fugbe Price.

July 14, 2009

The Real Housefugs of New York

Fug file:

I have to thank The Real Housewives of New York for one thing -- well, other than for entertaining me while I do things like work on this here Web site. Anyone who watched this past season surely recalls the episode where Kelly Bensimon here yapped about keeping up her fitness whilst jogging... THROUGH THE STREETS OF NEW YORK. No. LITERALLY. IN the street. Not on the sidewalk or in the park. In the CENTER of a LANE in the ACTUAL STREET with, like, taxis trailing her patiently. Girl, please. If the Bravo cameras had not been there and arranged that entire shot, you KNOW those cab drivers would have run her skinny ass down. As it was, that scene was HILARIOUS. And every time I myself go jogging -- on the sidewalk like a normal person -- I think of it and giggle. So thank you, Kelly, for giving me one brief moment of levity during my runs. And thank you for giving me some material for today:

I happen to be wearing those shoes right now -- holla at your J. Crew! -- but the rest of this is a total misfire. Leaving aside the fact that it MIGHT be a romper, it's DEFINITELY not supposed to be belted thusly, any more than your swimsuit cover-up requires belting. The fabric is cute, but Ms Kelly might a little too old to fully pull it off. Although I probably shouldn't say that too loud. Anyone who will blithely run in front of a taxi wouldn't have any problems with pushing me in front of one.

July 14, 2009

Kris Fugger

Fug file:

BRUCE JENNER: Um, Kris?

KRIS (KARDASHIAN) JENNER: Yes?

BRUCE: What's the idea behind wearing an old gym towel belted to your dress? Are you having so much trouble keeping up with the Kardashians that you're breaking into a sweat? Ha ha ha!

KRIS: Very funny, Bruce. But no. It's there for YOU.

BRUCE: Me?

KRIS: You're an athlete!

BRUCE: Okay...?

KRIS: So, you know, you might want to do something athletic, randomly, maybe even right now!

BRUCE: I might?

KRIS: Just to remind everyone of your glory years!

BRUCE: I don't think that's going to happen.

KRIS: You didn't even think about it! Just consider it.

BRUCE: No.

KRIS: Come on. My kids are getting their own spinoff show. I want one TOO. I want it NOW.

BRUCE: This was maybe not the way to sell me on the idea.

KRIS: FINE... let's see if you feel that way when I pull out your old decathlon uniform from 1976!

BRUCE: Oh, Lord.

July 14, 2009

Fugloe Fugigny

Fug file:

Why is Chloe Sevigny wearing a leather jumpsuit that's tight in the legs but really baggy in the pelvis?

[Photo: WENN.com]

I know, I know -- why does Chloe Sevigny do ANYTHING. But this thing seems specifically designed for the superhero in your family who suffers from a leaky bladder and thus depends on Depends. Sev's right boob, which is making a break for it, has the right idea in trying to escape before this Captain Incontinence thing takes off and turns into a side life.

July 14, 2009

Fuggie

Fug file:

I seriously keep forgetting that Cassie shaved half her head. EVERY TIME I see her, I think, "OH RIGHT. She SHAVED half her head! Someone pay attention to this kid before she hits a photographer with an umbrella! HAHAHAHA I SLAY ME WHERE DID MOMMY PUT HER COCKTAIL?"

But seriously. Could someone throw this girl a bone, attention-wise? (Or otherwise, I guess, but that's really between the two of you.) Because now she's got a half-shaved head AND a hideous sheer tank top. WHAT WILL SHE DO NEXT? Do you really want to add Gaga-style pantslessness to this equation? BECAUSE I DO NOT AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT'S THE TRACK THIS TRAIN IS ON. Do it for the children, you guys. Ask the poor kid for her autograph if you run into her at the Louis Vuitton store or whatever. Just do something. We've got to nip this thing in the bud.

July 14, 2009

Fug or Fab: Evanna Lynch

Fug file:

The last few times we saw Evanna Lynch around these parts, she was encased in a plaid sack and wearing oversized pants that may have belonged to someone homeless, or to Rupert Grint (sometimes it's hard to tell the difference). So I'd call this a massive step in the right direction for her...

... right up until we get to her ankles. On the whole I prefer shoes that don't give the illusion that the wearer only recently broke free from captivity in someone's basement.

However, credit where credit is due: She almost pulls them off, given that they don't make her look nearly as cankletastic as I would've expected from what amounts to little more than a pair of leather socks. Sniffle. So even though her coat dress is a tad baby-doll and I am loath to throw my support behind her footwear, on the whole our little Luna Lovegood is all grown up and brushing her hair and EVERYTHING. You guys, I think she just might make it after all.

poll by twiigs.com

July 13, 2009

So FugTorious

Fug file:

Let's not pretend we're not all thinking the same thing, here:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

All together now: "I just hope she bought something else to wear."

July 13, 2009

In Fugment

Fug file:

Two questions:

1) For what heinous crime was Hope Davis exiled to the chain gang?
2) And since when does the chain gang issue nightgowns?

July 13, 2009

Fug or Fab: Christina Ricci

Fug file:

blue

Since this is an opinion site, I suppose I shouldn't have to disclaim that the following is just my opinion. But in this case, I really am guided by one knee-jerk reaction against the material.

Empirically, Christina Ricci is a very cute girl, and I like the cut of the dress. But I'm entirely turned off by the fabric. I am not a fan of light-blue satin that's so shiny you could look down at Earth from the moon and groan, "OW, MY EYES." It feels like that color and that fabric should only be married in the form of slinky pajamas or perhaps a bridesmaid's dress -- which makes me wonder if she's simply trying to salvage gowns she'd already ordered for her aborted wedding to That Dude She Was Engaged To For Like An Hour. I appreciate the nod to recycling, if that's the case, but couldn't she have made some sleepwear? Or perhaps a raft of really nice pillowcases?

Just in case my bias against the material has blinded me, though, I shall throw it to you, Fug Nation:

poll by twiigs.com

July 13, 2009

Fug You

Fug file:

I'm sure it's very difficult these days for some singers to compete with the likes of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, for whom every appearance on-stage -- and off, usually, also -- is an excuse to dress like they've been using crack rock as ice cubes in their diet sodas before licking the backs of South American cane toads and sniffing glue.

So it's really nice to see Lily Allen refusing to pander.

[Photo: Splash News]

I mean, you can't even SEE her crotch! It's practically prude!

July 13, 2009

Maria Menoufugs

Fug file:

I hate being lulled into a false sense of security.

[Photo: Apega/WENN.com]

For instance, looking at this much of Maria Menounos, you might think to yourself, "She's pretty. It's a black dress. Nothing to see here."

But you'd be wrong:

Continue reading Maria Menoufugs.

July 10, 2009

Fugworld

Fug file:

This here is Miquita Oliver. Wikipedia tells me that she is a British television presenter. It also told me that her aunt is Neneh Cherry, who I LOVED when I was a wee lassie.

Miquita looks just about as pleased with her outfit as I am.

July 10, 2009

Random Fug

Fug file:

This photo is from an event held in support of David Carradine Memorial Fund.

I didn't know this was something that actually needed to be spelled out for people, but here goes: even when the deceased in question died under suspiciously saucy circumstances, you are NOT ALLOWED to attend anything that involves the phrase "memorial fund" dressed like a streetwalker. And that's not hyperbole. I have actually seen prostitutes hanging out in front of the Donut Hole on the corner of Highland and Melrose WEARING THIS. DIAL IT DOWN, HONEY. For your own good.

July 10, 2009

Harry Potter and the Fug-Blood Prince

Fug file:

FROM THE DIARY OF EMMA WATSON
On the night of the New York premiere of Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

Tonight was fantastic...for ME. My shoes were adorable, my dress was charming (even IF stupid Tom Felton told me he thought the bodice looked a BIT like a face. What does he know? It's still cute) and I essentially looked like an adorable young lady unlikely to bring shame upon my family in the manner of so many other starlets. I am proud of me! But, diary, I am VERY concerned about the boys. Dan has followed up his toggle suit disaster with this shiny thing with piping (PIPING, DIARY!) and Rupert has backslid terribly. He looked so handsome in his suit last time and the suit he wore tonight was actually LOVELY and I even could have lived with this tee shirt -- you know how Rupert is! He's casual! It's okay -- but his shoes were wretched, diary. It's like he HIKED to the premiere! What am I going to do with these two? Why won't they accept my help? Sigh. Boys.

July 10, 2009

Not At ALL Random Fug: Bridgetta Tomarchio

Fug file:

bad shoes

Back in 2007, we got an e-mail from a girl named Bridgetta Tomarchio in which she complained to us. Not about what we'd written about her on the site, mind you, but about the fact that we filed her under "Random Fug." See, we hadn't recognized her name or her face, but according to her, that was an oversight on our part because she'd done tons of stuff, and thus she demanded the "random" label should removed immediately because she was famous. Silly us, she was right: We should've recognized her from her work as Red Team Wrestler and Runner #1 in two separate episodes of Poorman's Beach Bikini, as well as "Model" in Entourage and of course "Contestant" in something called Lingo. And we've since seen her in many ads for the erection-enhancer Extenze, so clearly, her star is -- ahem -- on the rise.

I for one have learned my lesson. I will not soon forget her.

And now, neither will you -- because whenever you think fondly upon all the good times you've shared with Mr. Snuffleupagus, you'll remember where you were the day you found out the name of the girl who killed him and turned his feet into boots.

July 10, 2009

Erin O'Fugger

Fug file:

I'm sure model Erin O'Connor was tickled to play on the Serpentine Gallery's name by showing up in something slithery and green.

But this goes in the "Just Being Physically Able To Do It Doesn't Mean You SHOULD" file. Which on most people would go by the name "Goodwill Pile." Seriously, if you are making me yearn for the relative practicality of Lady Victoria Hervey's string bikini top, then you are laden with problems.

July 10, 2009

Fugsin Murfug

Obviously I am going to have to shake off the shackles of my own laziness and check out singer Roisin Murphy's work. In truth, I have avoided the issue somewhat so far because I'm afraid her day job could never live up to her appearances on the red carpet.

I suspect this is what a mother of a Mouseketeer would wear at her child's wedding -- assuming, of course, it's performed on the steps of the Magic Castle, followed by a lavish coronation as the monarch of Prosperityland, a brand new wing of Disneyland designed to help us all forget there's a recession and we're too broke to go to theme parks in the first place.

July 10, 2009

Fug Another Day

Fug file:

Heather and I just admitted to each other that we were both literally unable to accept the fact that Rosamund Pike here is wearing....knickers.

We were like, "that's totally a skirt, right? Like, an UGLY, UGLY skirt?" But, no. These are instead the ugliest harem pants ever created by human hands. In fact, I think they might have been created by INHUMAN hands. Yes, that's right. I just floated the theory that Satan spends his spare time kicking back down in Hell, stitching wee pieces of picnic tablecloth to diaphanous white material, and cackling about the retina-searing, soul-inflaming, leg-havoc they will unleash on any weak mortal foolish enough to don them, and the accompanying horror that will wash over any innocent bystanders to said donning. AND APPARENTLY HE WAS RIGHT.

The rest of this is terrible too, but I can't really see it all that well. SINCE I'M BLIND NOW.

July 9, 2009

NY Mag: What Would We Give for Couture?

The couture shows were this week in Paris, and oh my god, is that stuff amazing. Also, some of it is totally insane. We took a look at all the glorious, CRAZY clothes for NY Mag:

"When you want something bad enough, there's nothing you won't consider trading for it: a limb, a motor vehicle, a generally disliked member of your extended family ... maybe even a generally nice member of your extended family. And nothing engenders that kind of self-destructive lust like haute couture."

Aren't you dying to know what could possibly tempt us to happily go without lunch for a month? You KNOW we love sandwiches. Check out the slideshow here and find out.

July 9, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Rachel Weisz

Fug file:

Harper's Bazaar

[Photo: Splash News]

Let's talk about this.

She's beautiful, of course.
Does she look a bit...vampiric?
Although vampires are really IN right now.
I like hot pink!
She looks hungry.
FOR BLOOD?
Maybe just for a sandwich
That's a LOT of makeup.
It's a magazine cover, you dolt! THEY WEAR MAKEUP. Besides, she's supposed to be SMOULDERING. What better way to smoulder than via massive amounts of eyeliner?
That's an excellent question.

poll by twiigs.com

July 9, 2009

Unfug It Up: Emma Watson

Fug file:

This one is fairly simple, Fug Nation -- or at least I think so -- but I am throwing it open to you anyway. Emma Watson is SO adorable and SO the anti-Lohan that I just want her to knock it out of the proverbial ball park every time; if I happen to be seated eating a hot dog and drinking bad beer out of a plastic cup when she does it, so much the better. Unfortunately, as much as I want to, I can't give this my full endorsement.

[Photo: Splash News]

It's like she wrapped a beach cover-up over a tank top, and then got drunk and went shoe-shopping. I'm not sure how else to explain those -- seriously, they are the color of those kidney-bean-shaped emesis basins that sit in hospital rooms, waiting for you to puke up the Jell-O you just ate. I am a little afraid she borrowed them from Daniel Radcliffe, who is clearly suffering from some kind of head injury that puts him on obedient auto-pilot anytime some dipshit with a toggle shows up at his front door.

The dress part has potential, but it's hard to see it when I'm being blinded by the rest. Clearly, I'd start a makeover with her feet: Avada Kedavra the hell out of those pink bastards and go with one of the chunky strappy sandals that all the kids love these days, or a cute pair of flats -- maybe even gold ones to play off her purse strap. And I'd like to see the dress without the tank, although I do so love Emma in color that I'd long for the chance to see if the polka-dot pattern worked even better in a hue. She's great in blue.

But what would you do? Get out your magic wands and wave them, although be careful if your co-workers are standing behind you trying to peek at what the hell is making you whip your arms around in the air like you just don't care. You don't want to maim anything except what's not working about this outfit.

You know the commenting rules: on-topic, no personal attacks, no Pepsi products, etc. Enjoy!

July 9, 2009

Poker Fugce

Fug file:

just...wow

Well.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Either Carol Channing has had a really severe mental break, or Lady Gaga woke up with a raging volcanic zit on her face this morning.

July 9, 2009

Fugger Pains

Fug file:

You can run, Linds, but you can't hide. We know it's you. Why?

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Because ONLY YOU would take the twin obsessions of spandex and self-tanner so far as to paint yourself a pair of FLESH LEGGINGS.

It's so ridiculous that I can't even be bothered to rag on your rubber dress, or the fact that I think you bought that bag at the Franchise Glitz Dealer they go to in Xanadu. Yes, flesh leggings may have broken me. Seek help, and I will do the same.

July 9, 2009

Tayfug Fugsen

Fug file:

I'm wondering if the same people on Gossip Girl who are sabotaging Blake Lively ALSO have a little bit of a hate-on for Taylor Momsen. Check out what she wore on-set recently:

[All Photos: Splash News]

It would seem Little J's plot this season could be all about how she spent her summer vacation as the semi-slutty mechanic's aide who likes to shove wrenches suggestively into her hot-pants pockets, and then check the oil over and over again with that erotic dipstick. Maybe she'll even relaunch her fashion line to be geared toward grease-monkeys who just want to give the guys in the tire-rotation trenches something to feel good about every day.

I don't feel good at all about this next piece, though:

Continue reading Tayfug Fugsen.

July 8, 2009

Transfuggers 2: Revenge of the Fuggen

Fug file:

CATE BLANCHETT: No, see? I wear this color foundation because it matches the rest of my skin.

MEGAN FOX: Uh-huh.

CATE: No, truly. It blends. It blends IN. I look one uniform color, right? It appears natural. Your face is like an entirely different color than the rest of you, don't you see? It all ends at the middle of your...well, your Adam's apple area. There's a line there that oughtn't be there, I'm afraid. In fact, if I may give you some advice...may I, Megan?

MEGAN: Uh. I can't actually even believe you're speaking to me at all. So, yeah. Yes. You can. Please.

CATE: Well, it's rude to ignore ones seatmate. Anyway, what I was going tell you is that acting and make-up should both seem natural. Effortless. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

MEGAN: Yes? And mine are...not?

CATE: See! Knowing is half the battle! Now, shall we relax and just talk about our pretty dresses?

MEGAN: You are so nice!

CATE: Well, I am a great actress.

July 8, 2009

What's Fugging? With Jamie Oliver

Fug file:

Dear Jamie Oliver:

To whom are you giving that thumbs-up? Is it to the crew at the Harry Potter premiere, because you were helping them set up the carpet and the lights and you're letting them know it's all working properly? Is it to your auto mechanic, who got sick and couldn't fix your alternator and so he called you and talked you through it? Is it for your milliner, who spent two weeks trying to find you a lid that would as closely as possible match the hues of your denim? Or is it because you're catering the event and someone just took one look at you and went, "Sweet Jesus, Jamie, did you even WASH YOUR HANDS?" and you had to check with your wife and she wrinkled her nose and said, "I THINK so..." and so you decided to give 'em the all-clear sign just to cover your ass?

Because I KNOW you are not looking in a mirror and giving yourself that stamp of approval. You CAN'T BE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE EYES.

Love,
Heather

July 8, 2009

Hofit Fuglan

Fug file:

Oh, Hofit Golan. Sweet Hofit "Phoebe-Price-esque Princess of Cannes" Golan. How hard you do try.

But, see, they already HAVE a Care of Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts. Ditto Herbology. So there might not be much need of a lady who looks like she's caught in the middle of a botched transfiguration into a giant African Violet. Although -- to mix literary references for one shameless second -- if they ever move the royal meeting from Ascot Racecourse to a track through the looking glass in Wonderland, you will totally be its queen.

July 8, 2009

Fuggatrix Lestrange

Fug file:

If life were a soap opera -- and I personally wish it were, because if you ask me, not nearly enough people skulk around during a murder investigation clutching hidden guns and books that say How To Kill Your Sister, only to find out that she's fake-dead and an amnesiac who's been living on an island with some dude who turns out to be her fiance's brother, who has a brain fog that means you can't tell him anything vaguely vexing or else his head will explode -- then I think we'd soon discover that Helena Bonham Carter has been living in secret as Bellatrix Lestrange's long-lost twin.

Unfortunately they were switched at birth, and the one who was SUPPOSED to be raised evil -- let's call her Hellatrix -- instead went to a family of Deadwood-loving bubblegum enthusiasts who encouraged their daughter to embrace things like castle-handbags, puppies, tulle, and men with real noses who aren't afraid to cry, and grew up to become a dotty librarian by day and a barmaid at a country-dancing saloon by night. But Hellatrix and Bellatrix do at least both favor that special fresh-out-of-Azkaban coif, so you can tell they're related and will find their way back to one another in an explosively psychotic reunion chronicled by J.K. Rowling and the BBC, and probably Wolf Blitzer on CNN, in a special called "Lestranger Than Fiction."

Alas, since life has NOT yet collided with fantasy and/or the once-glorious NBC daytime drama lineup, none of that will come to pass. Not for lack of Helena trying, though.

July 8, 2009

Fugmere Mafia

Fug file:

I know this is Louis Vuitton from top to toe:

And in fact, I think she looks fine from the knees up and the neck down. But add the crazy (semi-awesome when used correctly) shoes to the rest of it and the hair and the make-up and she seriously reminds me of Bellatrix Lestrange in (ineffectual) disguise as a society matron. In fact, I had to check with the interwebs to make sure that Miranda Otto isn't in Harry Potter, and wasn't just out and about doing a little viral marketing in quasi-costume. She's not. Although maybe Warner Brothers should put her on the payroll anyway, because now I'm really excited about Half-Blood Prince again, just thinking about this.

July 7, 2009

Well Played, Bonnie Wright

Fug file:

Harry Potter

Okay. How cute is Bonnie "Ginny Weasley" Wright?

I feel so protective of the Harry Potter kids anyway -- I can't help it; I've tried -- that it's a huge relief when they show up for an event without looking like they were styled by someone under the Dark Lord's thrall. Which means I am maybe extra happy to see Ginny Weasley in such a cute, age appropriate, flattering little frock. AND her hair is so pretty and shiny. She can just remind herself of these facts when nutball Harry/Hermione 'shippers throw rocks at her for stealing DanRad from Emma Watson. You know, fictionally speaking. Shiny hair and a cute dress can't solve all your problems, but they CAN make you feel better about some of them.

July 7, 2009

Harry Potter and the Half-Fug Prince

Fug file:

RUPERT GRINT: Dude. Apparently my getting swine flu brought with it a previously unpublicized side effect: I no longer show up to premieres looking like I just rolled out of bed! Now I wish I'd gotten it earlier!

J.K. ROWLING: I'm a gazillionaire. And this color looks great on me. AND I'm not working on a crazy deadline anymore. How awesome are things for me right now? Pretty awesome.

EMMA WATSON: I am ALSO pretty. Tonight is going SO WELL! What a relief!

DAN RADCLIFFE: Oh god. Am I....wearing a suit that closes with a TOGGLE?

RUPERT: I look charming and Dan's suit closes with a toggle! AT LAST RON WEASLEY COMES OUT ON TOP! Come on, everyone! How about a rousing round of "Weasley Is Our King!"

JO: I wonder who talked Dan into that toggle-closure. Was he Confunded in his dressing room? I mean, if that were real.

EMMA: Poor Dan. Someone's going to need to buy that boy a drink. He looks so alarmed. I told him not to go for the toggle. Why doesn't he listen to me? What HAPPENED with him?

DAN: What HAPPENED to me? Is there any way I can blame this on dark magic? Think, Radcliffe! THINK!

July 7, 2009

XFugFugO, Gossip Girl

Fug file:

[All photos: Splash News]

BLAKE LIVELY: Hey, Penn?

PENN BADGLEY: Yes?

BLAKE: I need to talk to you. It's really important.

PENN: Awesome. Text away. I'm ready.

BLAKE: No, I mean, I'm going to use actual words. Uttered out loud.

PENN: Are you sure? My phone is RIGHT here, and maybe we should protect our instruments.

BLAKE: Hush up and listen: I need to know who hates me.

PENN: ... Can you be more specific?

BLAKE: FUNNY. I mean, seriously, who is it on this show that hates me? Is it Josh Schwartz? The writers? The wardrobe department? Taylor Momsen? WHO IS IT?

PENN: Why do you think people hate you?

BLAKE: LOOK AT THIS THING. I'm wearing a sofa cushion over a romper with Robin Hood booties. If I stole from the rich and tried to give to the poor in this stupid thing, the poor would be like, "Girl, PLEASE, we're not taking anything from someone who doesn't understand how shorts fit."

PENN: They're kind of tight on you, I guess.

BLAKE: And check out what they do when I walk.

Continue reading XFugFugO, Gossip Girl.

July 7, 2009

Fugdonna

Fug file:

dialogue,
SIGH

[Photo: Splash News]

MADONNA: ... and so I said to the dude, "You can't spell 'MALAWI' without 'LAW,' am I RIGHT? GIVE IT UP FOR FOLLOWING RULES!" And he was like, "Right on," and gave me the kid! I'm so stoked!

STELLA: Happy to help you celebrate. Especially if it means trotting out my legs, which are pretty enviable.

MADONNA: My legs don't have FEET. See?

STELLA: Presumably they do SOMEWHERE, though, yes?

MADONNA: Footless legs are totally the new cone bras.

STELLA: I could make you a jumpsuit with room to hide your feet.

MADONNA: The feet I don't want people to think I have hiding under here?

STELLA: Yes, those.

MADONNA: FABULOUS.

STELLA: But I'd need you to leave the hat at home. It kind of feels like you're trying to be Justin Timberlake with breasts.

MADONNA: Justin? That guy has feet. We're NOTHING ALIKE.

STELLA: ... Whatever. Let's go home.

July 7, 2009

I Fug You, Beth Cooper

Fug file:

Well, Hayden, it comes to this: I like your hair.

[Photo: Splash News]

As for the rest of it, let's just say that if you told me that you'd tried to leave the house in a see-through dress that looks like you're halfway through getting a full-body tattoo, and your mother caught wind of it and screamed, "I did NOT carry you for NINE MONTHS just so you could go on LETTERMAN and be PRACTICALLY NAKED," and haphazardly splashed your vital bits with shoe polish to create the illusion of modesty... well, I would believe it. In fact, were that true, I might even send her flowers and a cheesecake.

In other news, please thank the lady who sprays you with self-tanner, because she made it so very crazy-shiny that it almost obscured the white bra and thong that appear to be peeking through all that lace.

I said ALMOST.

July 7, 2009

Fugger Face

Fug file:

GUESSSSSS WHOOOOOOOO?

[Photo: WENN.com]

You'll never guess! You'll never, never guess. You'll simply never, never, never never never never hazard a guess. IT'S SUCH A CONUNDRUM!

Continue reading Fugger Face.

July 6, 2009

Kristin Davfug

Fug file:

So, I decided I didn't like this dress when America Ferrera wore it, and now, almost a year later, I'm going to stand by that opinion:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

For starters, I don't like her hair. It reminds me of what I do with my curly locks while they're air-drying: I clip up the front pieces so that they don't dry with reckless disregard for my occasional need to leave the house and not look like I've been electrocuted. Sometimes, I forget to take the clips out, or my hair isn't dry yet, and I go out to the store with those clips in and I look kind of silly. Such is life. But Kristen Davis presumably didn't just leave hers in by accident; she appears to have echoed my mid-air-drying phase (sans the curls) on PURPOSE. Which... no. This is a pretty lady with great hair, and here it's blah. And blah is sometimes worse than flat-out awful.

As for the dress: The addition of a necklace, and subtraction of the random black belt, do nothing to improve its palatability. Time has not made this thing any less distractingly swirly, nor has it taught the dress's bodice how to cradle a lady's dairy shelf. Kids, don't let Smooshy Boob Syndrome happen to you.

July 6, 2009

The Beautiful Fug

Fug file:

denim abuse

[Photo: Splash News]

MISTER DOG-WALKER: Hmmmm.

MISCHA BARTON Whee! I finally got a chance to wear this dress! I've been waiting for a moment that was ripe for wee patch pockets over my abs! That moment is now! I'm so happy and carefree!

MISTER D-W: Okay. One of two things is happening. (1) She's wearing this ironically. Or, (2) I've fallen down a previously undiscovered hole in the space-time continuum and have been transported back to either the mid-seventies or the set of Freaks and Geeks. I kind of hope it's the latter. I need to make friends with Jason Segel NOW.

July 6, 2009

Disfugia

Fug file:

As luck would have it, this is totally what I wore when I was celebrating the 4th of July at TAO in Vegas!

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

It goes without saying that girlfriend has a great body but OH MY GOD THOSE ARE PASTIES UNDERNEATH A BLAZER. This is what you wear when, at some point, you are going to dramatically rip off said blazer as you strut confidently toward the pole while "Pour Some Sugar on Me" blares from the speakers. I do enjoy how BORED she looks, though, all, "yeah, I'm wearing sequined pasties. YAWN. Can you all just wig out about this now so we can get it over with and get on with our night?"

Always one to please, let's take a closer look and commence the wigging out. This is....well, it's TECHNICALLY safe for work, but if your boss would find it odd that you're examining pasties in close up, consider yourself warned.

Continue reading Disfugia.

July 6, 2009

Lady Fugtoria Fugley

Fug file:

Holy hell, woman.

I'm not sure which idea is worse: that Lady Victoria Hervey might've shown up to Diddy's annual Fourth of July party wearing only a bikini, and simply got caught in the curtains on her way out of the ladies' room, or the notion that she paid money for a cut-to-there beach jumpsuit even American Apparel would dismiss as "laughably tacky, with a hint of WTF," and which was obviously hemmed by Yao Ming's tailor. I genuinely am not sure if she wants to hang out in a cabana somewhere, or re-wallpaper it.

July 3, 2009

Madame Fugssaud's

Fug file:

Oh honey NO

Apparently, Madame Tussaud's is pulling out some waxworks to fete the life and mourn the death of Michael Jackson. Which is a very fine idea, except ... well, see for yourself:

[Photo: Splash News]

The outfit, which I'm sure is based on a real one, somehow comes off more like what a figure-skater would wear to perform a program set to England's most popular songs of national devotion. And that's because the face and hair... listen, every time I look up at this, I see a brunette Marcia Cross, which is something I PROMISE -- mostly to Marcia -- that I NEVER SAID or even THOUGHT during MJ's lifetime when I viewed him in the flesh. So it's not great for her, and this terrible thing really is the final indignity for a dude who, let's face it, suffered a lot of them because he was troubled. Not exactly the kind of memorial I would dream of, would you?

Before this thing's hideousness shuts down our brains entirely, then, I think it's time to check out for the GFY Birthday Long Weekend. Okay, so maybe for most people -- and, say, the government -- this long weekend has more to do with the birth of the United States of America, but whatever. WE KNOW THE TRUTH. Have a great one. Watch some fireworks, eat some grilled hot dogs, chug some beer, and above all, stop trying to imagine this waxwork MJ sitting in front of a mirror and ripping off her wig.

See you on Monday!

July 3, 2009

The Fugist

Fug file:

So, about a week ago, I totally misread a story on Movieline and got it into my head that Adam "Seth Cohen" Brody was making some movie about being in prison. And I was VERY EXCITED by the prospect. So you can imagine my woe when I realized that ONCE AGAIN I misread, and it was actually ADRIEN Brody. (If you're following our Twitter, you don't have to imagine it because I think I posted something that included wails and gnashing of teeth.) And here he is, to rub it in:

[Photo: WENN.com]

DUDE. Just as two wrongs don't make a right, a vee-neck cardigan and a freaking BANDANNA do NOT MAKE A SHIRT. You're FREAKING ME OUT here. Put on. Some clothes. You fool.

July 3, 2009

There's Only So Many Way You Can Insert "Fug" Into "Kate Moss"

Fug file:

lace,
Leg City

Listen.

[Photo: Splash News]

At a certain point, why even bother with shorts? Just go out in your boots and bed-jacket and be done with it.

July 3, 2009

Scrolldown Fug: Whitney Port

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I don't understand -- did Whitney think it was International From-The-Waist-Up Day? Or that Independence Day weekend meant freeing yourself from the itchy binds of well-matched outfits?

[Photo: Splash News]

I could handle how haphazard that belt is with the vest, because what she's trying to achieve is identifiable, but I'm not sure how to account for the fact that she's wearing her very favorite pajama shorts, unless this whole thing is actual, tangible proof that she's sleepwalking her way through shooting The City. But that's no excuse for being a walking variation on a mullet -- business up top, party everywhere else -- and it makes her look like she's going to set up Lucy Van Pelt-style booth of legal advice at some outdoor music festival. Which I would MAYBE give her a pass for if she promised to yank a football away from that idiotic Jonas/Bee Gee hybrid she fake-dated on the show, or even, nay especially, if she did it to Olivia Palermo. But ONLY then.

July 2, 2009

The Secret Life of Fugs

Fug file:

dumpy sacks

Okay. So Sophie Okonedo is so pretty. There is no question about that. But I do have some questions about this:

Namely, from which hospital did she just escape, and why didn't she ask her getaway car driver to bring her a change of clothes?

July 2, 2009

Fug or Fab: Jessica Simpson

Fug file:

red,
stripes

I wish I had a more complete set of these photos (you can see them in greater detail at Celebuzz), but you guys are smart. You can work with this. The question is, CAN J. SIMP?

Exhibit A:

[Photos: Splash News]

Exhibit B:

Skin-tight, calf-length horizontal stripes are ballsy for anyone. If I thought she was savvy enough to be credited with this sort of forethought, I'd almost imagine that Jessica Simpson is wearing this to say, "people, I could not be happier with my body, so BUZZ OFF." Because you don't wear something this body conscious unless you think you look super hot -- or you're dying for attention. And you know what? I wish it was maybe an inch shorter, but I think she's kind of working it. I can't believe that, over the last five years, I've gone from "JESSICA SIMPSON, GO AWAY," to "Oh, leave Jessica Simpson alone! God! She's PERFECTLY FINE!" But there here we are.

poll by twiigs.com

July 2, 2009

Hmmmmmmily Played: Giuliana Rancic

Fug file:

polls

There's nothing wrong, on a basic level, with what Giuliana is wearing.

But methinks she's currently learning the hard way that twigging the paparazzi to your TOTALLY SPONTANEOUS bowling date with your husband, then wearing a perky little sundress with a semi-fitted skirt, is not the smartest idea if you plan on actually playing the game -- because now she has to hurl that thing down the lane with enough form not to hurt herself, but without flashing anyone, ripping the dress or generally making a klutz out of herself. This is why normal people don't bowl in perky little sundresses with semi-fitted skirts.

Then again, she could just be struggling to count the number of pins out there. Math IS hard.

poll by twiigs.com

July 2, 2009

Fugs Aloud

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So, I guess it was recently Cheryl Cole's birthday. She's in the Brit girl group Girls Aloud and is an X Factor judge and married to dreamy footballer (did I just use that term correctly? "Footballer," I mean. I am quite confident in my use of the word "dreamy.") Ashley Cole. And while I am generally of the belief that you should wear WHATEVER YOU WANT on your birthday, I didn't exactly mean this:

[Photo: Splash News]

Um. Wow. Ashley looks so sharp, and Cheryl looks so... well, maybe I need to see it from another angle?

Continue reading Fugs Aloud.

July 2, 2009

The Fugliful Life

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Oh, Mischa. You are right to be afraid.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Just LOOK AT YOURSELF. You resemble ten miles of rough road that leads straight to a biker bar with a Forever 21 in the back room. Which actually might be kind of delightful on a night out, but not if it means wearing cheaply beaded hot pants and a bowler hat. That's too Cabaret Recessionista for me.

July 2, 2009

Fug The Cover: Sandra Bullock

Fug file:

In Style

I find Sandra Bullock a bit fabulous. Once, I saw her at a hockey game with her husband, and they randomly were sitting next to Kid Rock and his Pammy-lite date having a gay old time in totally arena-appropriate casual clothes, and she and Jesse helped out a kid who took a puck to the head by getting him some water or something -- I don't know, the memory is fuzzy, as if maybe it was ME that got walloped on the head -- and the whole thing was endearing. She seems like she'd be incredibly fun to go get a beer and some BBQ with, while we talk about how jumpsuits are stupid and maybe get shouty over some sports on the TV and end up having to call cabs home because, oops, that was one too many pitchers of Shiner Bock.

So I wish this cover had done her more justice:

[Photo: Splash News]

At least UK In Style agrees that I'd like to grab a meal with her, but is this really the best picture of Sandra's face? There is something so aggressive and overly intense about it. Like she was on a break during the photo shoot, and the photographer came up to her and said, "Look, I'm having a really bad day -- I just ate a cat for breakfast and I'm pretty sure my underwear is on backwards and my cousin just came back from the dead after a tragic decapitation accident," and Sandy paused for a sec, hoisted her leg up on a chair, leaned forward and said, "You're shitting me, right?" And of course then the photographer would scream with joy and snap a photo, because clearly that mixture of barely suppressed revulsion, confusion, disbelief, and one squished boob is SO 2009.

July 1, 2009

And Now We Are Five

Fug file:

housekeeping

Dear readers,

Today is a big day here in Fug Nation. Today is our birthday, and this little blog is five years old. If it were a person, it would be in kindergarten and probably wearing a dress over pants right now, the better to hang upside down on the monkey bars without any stupid boys seeing its underwear. We started GFY as a joke between friends, as some of you might know, and it's hard to believe how many new friends it has brought us, if you'll forgive the mushiness of that particular sentiment. We are very lucky indeed to be here today, and we know that we owe it all to our tremendously awesome readers. Thank you all so much for hanging out with us for the last five years -- a time during which some of you slogged through high school or college in its entirety, some of you graduated, some had babies, got married, or changed jobs (maybe more than once), some of you finally grew a satisfactory mustache, some of you got over that asshat who broke your heart, and some of you fell in love again (maybe more than once), all of the Americans in the crew lived through an entire presidential administration and started a new one, a lot of you watched a couple of Olympics, and all of you -- hopefully -- spent little bit of time procrastinating around these parts. And for that we thank you. And we'll be back to business as usual tomorrow. But as our gift to you, we leave you with some video clips of defining moments in our collective consciousness. BEHOLD.

1) Kimberly Rips Off Her Wig:

2) Sammy Jo Gets Into a Catfight With Stupid Amanda, Claudia Blaisdel HILARIOUSLY Sets The Hotel On Fire With Her Hate Candles And Exhibits Poor Reflexes, and Blake AWESOMELY Tries to Choke Out Alexis (I'm so sure):

Continue reading And Now We Are Five.

July 1, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Emma Watson

Fug file:

Elle,
Harry Potter

We have gotten many a concerned email about this cover from readers, and I must admit that I feel you. But not really because of Emma, so much -- her face looks great, I think, and the rocker girl hair is a fun change from Hermione Granger (not that I don't love you, Hermione). We don't get to see her look hot very often and this is a nice youthful hot that doesn't feel all awkward. It's more that I am totally weirded out by the office stool they're making her straddle. This photo feels like....well, picture it: you're sitting at your desk at Elle, just minding your own business. You know your wacky officemate Emma Watson is off in the beauty closet, doing something. But she totally surprises you when she straddles her office chair and pushes herself across the room to your desk to pay you a visit and show off her hilarious/fierce Chanel get-up and massive eyeliner. You pick up the Polaroid on your desk and take a few jokey pictures of her. (If this were a movie, a montage would break out, obviously.) And this is like your jokey montage pictures somehow landed on the cover of Elle. Which would be fine if she wasn't on an office chair. It's just...weird to me. Also, that bodice looks like a chalice, but who am I to argue?

poll by twiigs.com

July 1, 2009

Fugly Allen

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I'm not really sure what's going on with Lily Allen these days, and usually she's kind of Out There and jabbering about something or other, so I decided to look up her Twitter feed. According to that, sometime in the last 24 hours "someone just took [her] nuts from under [her] nose" -- which would be upsetting whether she's talking about figurative testes, literal ones, or even just a pot of lightly salted cashews -- and a few hours before THAT, she wrote, "Today I am purely a spectator."

Perhaps that explains this:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Clearly, Lily didn't choose this -- she merely SPECTATED while her id staged a coup and junked up those cute shoes by pairing them with leggings, a cheap nightie, and a vest that looks like she nuked a piece of tin foil and then peeled it off the microwave walls and wore it out to the bar. It's very... it's like a dash of Lohan's delusion, a few tablespoons of Katie Price's tackyness, and a sprinkling of Posh's desire to make heads turn by looking semi-alien. If this is the result of having one's nuts swiped from under one's nose, I am going to lock mine up in a very safe place indeed.

July 1, 2009

Unfug It Up: Taylor Momsen

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Aw, Little J. I sort of miss you gallivanting about my TV screen on Monday nights, while I am bracing myself for whatever crazy-ass shenanigans are about to happen on One Tree Hill in the next hour. I never thought I'd say that, but complaining about your character's behavior -- and, often, the behavior of the entire Humphrey clan -- truly proved to be a valuable addition to my cardio routine. There's the running, doing the sadistic Santa Monica stairs (on mornings when I want to vomit), and the vigorous complaining about Gossip Girl. I only complain, of course, because I love. And I ALMOST love this:

Personally, I just hate the shoes. I GET the thought process there, and she certainly doesn't have to wear what I would wear with this outfit (something open-toed), but I feel like if you're going to do the cowboy boot thing, wear taller ones. Because these somehow manage to look like she's doing the wall of shame home from a party and couldn't find the shoes she wore out, so she's shuffling to the car in her gentleman caller's shoes. Although I would fug these on a dude, too -- they're just so...clonky looking and not in an awesome way. I mean, go 90s and do the 8-eye Doc Martens here if that's the look you want. Even Converse. Just...not these? You know?

YOU know what to do. Have at it in the comments. Keep it clean!

July 1, 2009

Fugyce Lawton

Fug file:

accessories to the crime

Denyce Lawton is an actress.

And, next time you're at a Chippendale's show, she'll ALSO gladly take your drink order and bring you a complimentary dish of slightly sticky peanuts and pretzels.