A Open Letter to The Tiniest Lohan (Boy Child)
Dear Boy Lohan,
You don't know me, but I have followed the antics of your family since your sister Lindsay was about your age. Please believe me when I say that I have your best interests in mind, and that I once treasured a great and terrible fondness for your sister, a fondness that would persist to this day if she didn't have such a nasty habit of stealing my best cocaine-lined pants and then going on crime sprees.
So, Boy Lohan, please listen to what I say, and listen well. I give you my advice with all the love in the world beating in my heart: (a) your mother is not naturally the burnished oaken color of a fine piece of furniture, and it's recently been proven that tanning beds are as deadly as arsenic, so DON'T let her talk her into bronzing you in her imagine, if you value your health/your youthful good looks and (b) you are an adorable child, ergo my advice to you is RUN. RUN CHILD RUN. RUN FAR AWAY FROM THEM ALL. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT YOUR SISTER HAS BECOME?
LOOK AT HER:
SAVE YOURSELF! RUN, CHILD. RUN. SECRET YOURSELF AWAY IN THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES OF THIS GREAT WIDE COUNTRY. FOREVER! RUN NOW, BOY CHILD, RUN AWAY FROM THEIR CLUTCHES AND DON'T EVER COME BACK! SAVE YOUR INNOCENCE WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME! RUN!
Best wishes and I hope to never see your face on a photo service again, young man. NOW GO! GO! STOP READING THIS AND GO!
Love,
Jessica
Dear Boy Lohan,
You don't know me, but I have followed the antics of your family since your sister Lindsay was about your age. Please believe me when I say that I have your best interests in mind, and that I once treasured a great and terrible fondness for your sister, a fondness that would persist to this day if she didn't have such a nasty habit of stealing my best cocaine-lined pants and then going on crime sprees.
So, Boy Lohan, please listen to what I say, and listen well. I give you my advice with all the love in the world beating in my heart: (a) your mother is not naturally the burnished oaken color of a fine piece of furniture, and it's recently been proven that tanning beds are as deadly as arsenic, so DON'T let her talk her into bronzing you in her imagine, if you value your health/your youthful good looks and (b) you are an adorable child, ergo my advice to you is RUN. RUN CHILD RUN. RUN FAR AWAY FROM THEM ALL. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT YOUR SISTER HAS BECOME?
LOOK AT HER:
SAVE YOURSELF! RUN, CHILD. RUN. SECRET YOURSELF AWAY IN THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES OF THIS GREAT WIDE COUNTRY. FOREVER! RUN NOW, BOY CHILD, RUN AWAY FROM THEIR CLUTCHES AND DON'T EVER COME BACK! SAVE YOUR INNOCENCE WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME! RUN!
Best wishes and I hope to never see your face on a photo service again, young man. NOW GO! GO! STOP READING THIS AND GO!
Love,
Jessica
