November 2009 Archives

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

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I know I've seen this dress on someone else before and I have no idea who it was, or where. It might have been Beyonce, and I think she might have looked cute in it. That seems possible, right? (I'm sure I'm wrong and it's probably actually the opposite of Beyonce. So, like, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.)

Regardless, I think Alicia looks pretty cute, too. It is always such a damn relief when she isn't wearing a jumpsuit, or pants so tight I worry she's modeling the "Before" look in a Monistat ad. This color is great on her, and she's working the cut. (Also, I think I love her clutch.)

HOWEVER.

My feelings about those shoes are mixed, at best. No. I can't lie. I am not into them. They look like the world's most expensive dyed-to-match bridesmaid shoes. Anything that coordinated makes my face hurt.

poll by twiigs.com

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis

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It appears that Leona Lewis has really embraced the concept of recycling:

"Why?" I hear you asking. "Is that dress constructed of an old tarp? Have those shoes secretly been made from re-purposed tires?" The answer to those questions, Fug Nation, is: I don't know. (And that, yes, those shoes are terrible.) I was speaking more literally. Allow me to refresh your memory as to what Ms Lewis -- who is very pretty regardless -- wore to the European Music Awards:

Continue reading American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis.

November 23, 2009

AMA Fug Carpet: Colbie Caillat

Something about this dress feels as if the designer would be surprised to see it looking thusly:

That little hook between her boobs looks home-sewn, like Colbie was so paranoid about slipping out of it that she rigged it herself to stay shut. And the skirt... I can imagine her standing in front of the mirror going, "I did NOT rub self-tanner ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY ANKLES for it to go unnoticed," and starting to pull, but instead of coming off cleanly, the skirt did that thing like when you try to tear a recipe out of Cooking Light and it won't go in a straight line and then suddenly you've ripped through half the cooking instructions and unless you tape it together you'll NEVER know how long to saute the onions and then your Moroccan tagine will be a MESS. I'm sure by some transitive property that means this dress ruined my dinner, so I'm off to pout now.

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Unfug or Fab It Up: Kelly Clarkson

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Let's talk about Kelly Clarkson. The chatter from Fug Nation on Twitter this morning was concerned that we were going to be mean to her. I must be clear: WE LOVE KELLY. Have we been concerned, in the past, that she often seems to get dressed in the dark, wearing a blindfold, standing in the reject pile at the Goodwill, in a land without tailors? Certainly. Kelly has herself admitted that she doesn't have a stylist and when I read that, I thought, "HONEY. YOU NEED ONE. I love you." Because we DO love her. She is so talented! And charming! And talented! And likeable! I literally drove to a county fair to see her perform this year and it was worth it! (Also, they had corn dogs.) So we really provide constructive criticism because we LOVE. It's like when your best friend comes out of the dressing room wearing a dress that is really not very flattering on her. You don't say, "I love you. BUY IT!" You say, "I think I liked the other one better." Anyway, all that being said, this has sort of grown on me overnight, like a fungus:

I think the hose are kind of matronly on her, and the whole thing doesn't feel very YOUTHFUL, but it could be -- and has been -- worse. I like the sparkly bits, and I think if you look at the cut of this, it's actually pretty flattering on her. I just want to young her up a bit. Maybe with actually opaque tights and a slightly shorter skirt? This is a bit too Cute Matron Attending A Holiday Party, when it should be Cute Singer Rocking The Sequins.

Speaking of singing: .

Continue reading American Music Awards Unfug or Fab It Up: Kelly Clarkson.

November 23, 2009

Freaky Fug Monday: The Voting

Another week, another raft of fabulousness. Sure, it's tempting to revolt against the December holidays rearing their heads before we're even in our Thanksgiving food comas, but you guys resisted the urge to boycott and churned out a hilarious chunk of seasonal song parodies. But we can only vote on a few, and so:

[Photo: Splash News]

THE FINALISTS

1) By BrokeHedonist, to the tune of "The Dreidel Song"

You had a little yorkie;
A hat was on his head,
Which, though made him look dorky,
Matched your Nice n' Easy red.

Just take the early 90's,
Ad Go-Go, and in swirl,
Dionne from "Clueless"; garnish
with an Austin Powers girl.

Gold boots, belt, dog, and sequins,
With doilies on your thighs,
Can't hope to overpower
All the crazy in your eyes.

Oh, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe
In trompe l'oeil brocade,
You wouldn't even notice
If it rained on your parade.

2) By A Tad More Cowbell, to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"

You're a weird one, Phoebe Price.
You really are a pill.
You're as fugly as a rictus,
growing up from a landfill.
Phoebe Price.

You're a bad mamber-jamber
disgracing your dogggggg......

You're a monster, Phoebe Price
Your head's an empty hole.
With those hose and go-go boots now
all you need's a stripper pole
Fugly Price.

You're a three-decker Lohan and Sevigny Sandwich
WITHOUT Swinton sauce.

I feel sorry, for your dog.
It's really not it's fault
That you've dressed it like a doily
sweeter than a chocolate malt
Fugly Price

The three words that best describe you are as follows,
and I quote: "Fug. Fugged. Fugly."

3) By Ellen Frances, to the tune of "Baby It's Cold Outside"

Yorkie: I really can't stay...
Phoebe: Baby, wear velour outside.
Yorkie: I've got to go away...
Phoebe: Baby, put on this tiny hat outside.
Yorkie: This evening has been...
Phoebe: Been hoping the Paps would drop in!
Yorkie: Full of distress...
Phoebe: The guest bed throw is now my dress!
Yorkie: PETA will start to worry...
Phoebe: My black Rasta hat is furry!
Yorkie: Dog Rescue will be pacing the floor...
Phoebe: Metalic gold accessories galore!
Yorkie: So really, I'd better scurry...
Phoebe: White eyeshadow makes things so blurry!
Yorkie: Or maybe I won't go on anymore.
Phoebe: Square-toe boots & fishnets: Fo Sho!
Yorkie: I really can't stay,
Phoebe: Baby, you're in choke hold.
Yorkie/Phoebe: Ah, we're so alone inside!

4) By Jenna, to the tune of "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

It's Phoebe time
There's much need to be afraid
At Phoebe time
We banish lights and we hide in shade
And in our world of plenty
We can't spread a smile of joy
Hide your head under the couch at Phoebe time.

But say a prayer
Pray for the furry ones
At Phoebe time
It's so hard when she's having fun
There's a world outside her window
But in it no one knows her name
Where the only thing that stops her
Is her crippling lack of fame
And the camera bulbs that flash there
Are the strobing lights of doom
She just can't believe it's them instead of her!

And there won't be fame in America this Phoebe time
The only thing she'll get this year is scorn
Where no one ever asks
For her stupid autograph
Do they know it's Phoebe time at all?

poll by twiigs.com

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Fug Show: Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson

Fug file:

NICOLE KIDMAN: Do you think people can tell I'm reading from the teleprompter?

KATE HUDSON: I forgot my glasses.

NICOLE: And your shirt.

KATE: What?

NICOLE: Nothing.

KATE: Why are we at the AMAs?

NICOLE: Well, I'm married to a musician.

KATE: So? I'm dating a baseball player and I don't get to vote for the Cy Young Award.

NICOLE: That joke would have worked better if you were dating a pitcher.

KATE: Oh, shut up. That OUTFIT would have worked better if you weren't wearing my grandma's guest room bedspread, unwashed since 1971.

NICOLE: YOUR outfit would have worked better if your HEAD didn't look like you put it on backward.

KATE: WELL I NEVER. No, seriously. Why are we even doing this?

NICOLE: We're in that movie together. With the singing and the dancing and Daniel Day Lewis.

KATE: Isn't ringing a bell.

NICOLE: It's the one where I'm trying to remind people how awesome I was in Moulin Rouge, and you're pretending that you don't desperately miss Matthew McConaughey.

KATE: Oh, RIGHT. Ugh, so we're in for at least another month of this, right?

NICOLE: It's going to be a bumpy ride.

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Rihanna

Fug file:

Leg City

I saw this dress Rihanna is wearing at the Marchesa presentation at the most recent fashion week. I don't remember it being this...leg-tastic/nip-slip-adjacent:

That being said, I was also skulking around the presentation trying to figure out if Blake Lively was actually wearing lace hotpants (of course she was) while juggling: a glass of champagne, my camera, my notebook, and my phone, on which I was texting Heather things like, "BLAKE LIVELY IS WEARING LACE HOTPANTS." So, as usual, I have really no idea what I am talking about. HOWEVER, I do know the following:

1) I haven't seen her look this happy in a long time. That smile is a fabulous accessory, regardless of her outfit.

2) This dress reminds me of those paper cut-outs we used to make in school, where you'd snip snip snip and then have an adorable little chain of paper people holding hands. Except. You know. Way more complex.

3) I kind of wish the non-snipped out portion was a weeeeeeee tiny teeeensy bit longer, because wondering whether or not she's wearing a leotard/what is in place to keep her from flashing us is distracting me.

4) I suspect that if I were hanging out with a woman wearing this dress, it would be almost impossible for me to resist flicking small items into the fluted bodice, like peas and tiny candies. It's like the world's most expensive mini-basketball hoop. (I say this as a woman who found an M&M in her bra yesterday. I DID NOT eat it. [Please. I totally ate it.])

5) It IS kind of technically amazing.

That being said....

poll by twiigs.com

Speaking of potential nipple slips, did you happen to catch RiRi's performance ensemble? (It's safe for work...technically.)

Continue reading American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Rihanna.

November 23, 2009

American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Kristen Bell

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When I first saw Kristen Bell here, I thought, "Oh, K. Bell looks cute. That fabric reminds me of my Crystal Barbie."

Don't believe me? BEHOLD:

That ad, of course, then reminded me that I also owned that particular Ken doll, and one summer he was tragically thrown down the elevator shaft of my Malibu Dream House, after Crystal Barbie discovered he'd been cavorting with Tracy (of Todd and Tracy; she was distraught after Todd's internal rubber band mechanism broke at their wedding reception, severing the connection between his upper and lower halves, and making him a paraplegic held together with duct tape). My Barbies led lives not dissimilar to those on General Hospital, though sadly devoid of any James Franco dolls to play the role of murderer/graffiti artist. But, anyhoodle, K Bell's dress sent me merrily down memory lane for a moment. UNTIL:

Continue reading American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Kristen Bell.

November 20, 2009

Fugs and Pieces: November 20

FRIDAY AGAIN! Nice how that happens every week, isn't it? That means it's time for our weekly round-up of the web's most stellar procrastinatory material. Start slacking, readers:

-- This flow chart, designed to help you determine which fast-food establishment you need to go to, depending on your circumstances (drunk? Drunk on malt liquor?) is GENIUS. (Grub Street)

-- Also genius? Lainey introduced us to this video of "Tom Cruise" auditioning for Twilight. That movie is a gift that just keeps on giving. (Lainey Gossip)

-- This dude recreated Pam Am's first-class cabin in his garage, complete with spiral staircase. It's both a wee bit crazy and also kind of awesome and I don't mind admitting that I want to go over there and have a drink. (Wall Street Journal)

-- Any designer who decides that the best way to market her clothing is by using the "Take That" scene from Teen Witch is okay by me. (Fashionista)

-- Christina Kelly -- who I must believe is the same Christina Kelly who wrote for Sassy, and whom I IDOLIZED as a teen reader -- wrote a truly enlightening/gross/hilarious piece about what really happens at urinals. Seriously, it's good stuff. (Vice)

-- Is it wrong that one of my favorite things about the holidays are gift guides? I LOVE THEM. NY Mag did a HUGE one this week. (NY Mag)

-- I wholly reject the concept of releasing a remix of "All I Want for Christmas," speaking of things I love about the holidays. That song, like Bridget Jones, is perfect just as it is. (PopWrap)

-- This promo for Nine makes me believe that the movie is either going to rock my world, or it's going to be TERRRRRRIBLE. Why so much Kate Hudson, guys? Seriously. (Lainey Gossip)

-- And, finally, and just in time for our weekends, Jason Segel gives out his phone number and beseeches the ladies to call him...in song. HANG TIGHT, JASON, I'M ON MY WAY. (Pop Candy)

November 20, 2009

Fugject Fugway

Fug file:

just...wow

WOW, Heidi Klum.

[Photo: WENN.com]

That's, um....shiny. And slick. And kind of like a rejected piece from the Austin Powers oeuvre, lacking merely go-go boots and an awkwardly rendered entendre. On the other hand, it does make me want to see if I can, in fact, bounce a quarter off your boobs, much as one can on a tightly made bed in movies about the Army. So that's...something, right?

November 20, 2009

NYFug.com: Thoughts on the Project Runway Finale

Per tradition, after the Project Runway finale aired last night, Jessica and I hopped onto trusty ol' Instant Messenger and dished about the episode -- specifically, this time, how even the judges seemed unable to drum up any tension.

Jessica: I thought it was very telling that nearly every comment the judges made was prefaced with the phrase, "I have to say ... " as though the sentence prior was something like, "Although I found this collection completely lackluster ... "
Heather: The debate felt like they'd all discussed earlier how to spin each collection so that they didn't accidentally say, "Well, we blew it with you three, sorry," and then weep for the future.

To see what else we thought (hint: it wasn't overwhelmingly positive...), click here to read the whole piece, and maybe even -- if you are so moved -- to leave your own thoughts in the comments.

November 20, 2009

Fugronica Webb

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It is worthwhile to note that everyone else at the event Ms Webb here is attending is wearing a cocktail dress. Me, I'm of the belief that I would rather be over- than under-dressed, because if you're over-dressed, you can just convince people that you've just come from, or are on the way to, some FABULOUS event. If you're under-dressed, you just look like this:

And I can't think of an occasion in which you'd want to do that on purpose.

November 20, 2009

The Fuglight Saga: Fug Moon

Fug file:

Dear Nikki Reed:

It's called "going up a size," and it's totally legal.

November 20, 2009

Fug or Fab or Unfug: Kim Kardashian

I think I at least like the concept of this dress.

But in execution, it looks like she got TP'd. On purpose, naturally, because she's nothing if not fine with you squeezing the Charmin.

poll by twiigs.com

November 20, 2009

The Fug Who Stole Christmas

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In our last piece on Taylor Momsen, which was complimentary, Jessica entreated her to "enjoy the [lack of wailing] as long as it lasts."

Well, I hope it was a soothing four days for her. Although the thing is, I don't even think I have that much of a problem with the dress -- it's kind of funky, if alarmingly boobalicious on a kid who isn't old enough to vote, much less drink. But the MAKEUP. DEAR GOD. The words to that song are engraved on my brain. It goes to the tune of "Where Are You, Christmas?" which Taylor up there ought to know since she sang it on film.

Where are you, light switch?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?

It's too dark to tell
Whether I look like hell
Is my makeup putrescent and heavy?

Where are you, face wash?
Do you remember
The girl you used to clean?

You can undo my errors
So I'm not a terror.
Did I lose you
Or did you leave?

November 20, 2009

Fugrine McPhee: The Bad Hair Saga Continues

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Last time we saw Katharine McPhee, I remarked that I thought she looked like a low-rent version of one of the lesser Dixie Chicks.

Now, it's more like Zack Morris:

Someone needs to be saved by the bell, indeed, and by "the bell," I obviously mean, "a certified hair-stylist."

November 20, 2009

How To Be Fugmous

Fug file:

[Photo: PacificCoastOnline.com]

HEIDI: Come on, Spencer, pose for the photo with me. It'll be a wonderful thing to show our children.

SPENCER: Say WHAT, jive turkey?

HEIDI: Oh, please. You know this is coming. I've been fake-nagging you about it on The Hills all season, but you didn't think it wasn't going to HAPPEN, did you?

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Stay strong, Spencer. DO NOT PROCREATE.

SPENCER: Listen, little lady, nobody can pin me down. I'm Grease Lightning.

HEIDI: Don't you think it would be just ADORABLE to have a little girl I can dress in a tiny version of this outfit? She'll be so glamorous! Like Suri Cruise crossed with a prostitute!

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: This can't be allowed to happen, for the good of humankind.

SPENCER: Shut it down, woman. T-Birds like me need to fly free.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Should I take out one of them? Is this my "What If" moment?

HEIDI: Spencer. Do you KNOW how much more rich and famous we'll be if I get pregnant? That's like seven months' worth of photo opportunities, plus baby-shower pictures we can sell, PLUS the birth photos and the first family photos, a guest-hosting spot on The View...

SPENCER: We'll be so rich we can pay someone else to raise it!

HEIDI: Exactly!

SPENCER: So let's do this thing. You're not as dumb as you look, baby girl.

HEIDI: I'm not as dumb as YOU look, either. Seriously, lose the greaser bouffant. And don't ever call me a "jive turkey" again or else I'll refuse to let us hire a nanny.

SPENCER: OH GOD NO. Consider it lost.

HEIDI: I thought so.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Please, God, let him be shooting blanks.

November 20, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Phoebe Price

It's that time again, folks. On this Freaky Fug Friday, it's time to punch your ticket and ride the Phoebe Price Is Crazy Train.

[Photo: Splash News]

THE FUGEE: Phoebe Price, a person of dubious talent who "acts"; former GFY persona non grata turned GFY mascot (because she wore down our resistance).

THE DETAILS: Phoebe here was, as usual posing on Robertson Blvd., this time with her dog, which she has forced to wear a small Santa hat (and... is that a velour sweater on it, too? Oh, PHOEBE). Tragically, her garb isn't as insane as it usually is, but she is still Phoebe, and that's enough.

THE CHALLENGE: Listen, we think it's wrong to deal with Christmas before Thanksgiving, but we're also not the ones who put a Santa hat on a dog. So: Have at Ms. Price here by parodying the holiday song of your choice, be it a Christmas carol, a Chanukah tune of either traditional or Sandlerian nature... it's up to you. And you don't need to do the entire song; just do enough that we get the gist, and include the title of the actual song you're parodying, because you never know. Somebody might never have heard "Deck The Halls." Kids today, man, I'm telling you.

THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments section of this entry -- not e-mailed -- by 10 p.m. Sunday night. From there, we pick our faves, put 'em to a vote... you know the drill.

November 19, 2009

NY Fug.com: Predicting Tonight's Project Runway Winner

Top Model last night, Project Runway tonight? This week is off ye olde hook, as the children might say. It's been so crazy that I just nearly convinced Heather that Tyra was going to win Top Chef. But as far as tonight's Lifetime-related shenanigans go:

"After all the Sturm und Drang surrounding the current season of Project Runway, tonight's finale almost feels anticlimactic. How could three short catwalk presentations possibly outdo a year of dramatic kvetching about new locations, network changes, lawsuits, and one very earnest plea that we picket Harvey Weinstein's house? Unless Althea "accidentally" sets Irina on fire backstage, we're betting it can't."

I'd have picked a selection from the piece in which we discuss the actual collections, but if you haven't peeked at the runway pics yet, I don't want to spoil you. So consider that your warning: we DO talk specifics about what each woman sent down the runway a hundred years ago over at NY Mag. Don't you want to know whom we call an inveterate plagiarist? Click through to find out.

November 19, 2009

Fug or Fab: Jaime King

Fug file:

basic (or unbasic) black

Well, I DO love some nice red lipstick. That's never been in question.

But what about the rest of it? These are my confessions (part III): I don't care for a handkerchief hem. And if I'm going to tell it, I gotta tell it all: the gathering feels a bit haphazardly done. And yet she herself is lovely and doesn't look half bad. Even if she IS wearing wooden Dutch shoes made of gold (a mythical pair I think I read about in a children's story once). I think I am going to come down tentatively and with great trepidation on the side of I'll Allow It. What say ye, Fug Nation?

poll by twiigs.com

November 19, 2009

Fug The Cover: Clint Eastwood

Fug file:

GQ,
Man Fugs

I understand that the whole point of this is that Clint Eastwood is a badass.

[Photo: Splash News]

But Clint Eastwood is a badass by nature -- by the glint in his eye, the twitch of a brow -- not because he knows how to make himself turn purple while the vein in his forehead pulses. So while I'm relieved to see that, my awards-show-based fears to the contrary, Clint CAN still move his face, I do wish GQ had decided to let him be his regular innately fierce self as opposed to suggesting he act constipated. While sitting on a stool. (Oh, come on, it had to be said.) THAT'S NOT OKAY.

November 19, 2009

Grfugk

Fug file:

Greek

Amber Stevens here plays Ashley on Greek, the bubbly ZBZ president who dresses like she's an on-staff cheerleader for Forever 21.

Judging by this photo, she is either a) under the impression she was to attend this event in character, or b) not, in fact, required to do much acting at her day job.

November 19, 2009

America's Next Top Fugger... IS...

Fug file:

ANTM,
pink

Last night, a new America's Next Top Model was crowned, and as usual, the poor kid was stuck trying to enjoy her victory in a severely cracked-out dress. Now, since the finale was JUST last night, I will put the following photos behind the jump, just to forestall any angry e-mails from readers who were stuck at work/on a plane/busy burying a body and could not watch the episode in a timely fashion. So be forewarned: Don't click if you don't want to see who won. But DO click if you don't care, you saw it already, and/or you are a cat and Curiosity is chasing you through the house with a large kitchen knife.

Continue reading America's Next Top Fugger... IS....

November 19, 2009

Fug the Photoshoot: The Dudes From Glee

Fug file:

Man Fugs

This photo -- part of People's annual (and DELICIOUS) Sexiest Men issue -- makes me laugh EVERY TIME I SEE IT:

Matthew Morrison? Sexy. Mark Salling? Sexy. Corey Monteith? He's more adorable than a basketful of puppies on Glee, but here he looks like he just stumbled into frame after cracking his head -- HARD -- on the hand dryer in the men's room. Bless his heart, I hope someone's publicist is on the phone about this right now, and, yes, the sound you just heard were thousands of fanfic writers opening their laptops to begin work on their epic, explicit masterpiece in which Melrose Place's Ella Sims represents the men of Glee, with SEXY RESULTS.

November 19, 2009

Unfug It Up: Melissa Joan Hart

Fug file:

Well. This is a TERRIBLE IDEA from Sabrina:

This dress is like the unholy love child of a French maid costume and Betty Draper's reject pile. I know this is a tall order, dear readers -- a Venti order, even -- but can this look be fixed? Pretend Salem the talking cat has a gun to your head and is demanding you undo what MJH has done to herself. Fix this mess, or the cat will end you. I have faith in your skills. GO:

November 19, 2009

My So-Called Fug

Fug file:

I seriously do not know how these sort of things continue to happen:

I don't mean that I don't understand why Claire Danes continues to get invited places, or why people perform dramatic, hair-flipping turns toward the camera. I mean...well, you'll see after the jump. It's Not Totally Safe For Work. I mean, it's not FULL-ON unsafe, but I wouldn't email it to your boss or anything. Things are revealed which would be pixelated on network television, is what I mean.

Continue reading My So-Called Fug.

November 18, 2009

True Fug

Fug file:

As I have said before, Sam Trammell is SO cute on True Blood. I spent much of the last season worried he was going to get killed off, especially those times when he turned into a bug. Perhaps the stress got to him, too, because he looks like he's just emerged from a week-long bender:

Oh, Sam. If you liked me, then you would have run a comb through it.

Let's see what the rest of that get-up looks like. I pray there are no sweatpants involved:

Continue reading True Fug.

November 18, 2009

Fuglo

Fug file:

dialogue

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

BEYONCE: Jay! Jay, wait up!

JAY-Z: Security, please handle this groupie.

BEYONCE: Jay, I'm not a groupie, it's Beyonce.

JAY-Z: Nice try, random lady, but my wife would never go outside looking like she left on her old nightshirt.

BEYONCE: But...

JAY Z: And Beyonce washes her hair.

BEYONCE: I can't believe...

JAY-Z: Although, all that loud makeup on your face... you DO look a bit familiar...

BEYONCE: I'M TELLING YOU I'M...

JAY-Z: Solange! Is that you? In a bad wig? Why didn't you just SAY so?

BEYONCE: I give up.

November 18, 2009

NY Fug.com: Handicapping the Top Model Finalists

Fug file:

ANTM

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano year after year, so can we count on one thing in this crazy life: just when you think you can wait no longer for a new CoverGirl, Tyra Banks anoints one. Yes, friends, the ANTM finale is tonight. REJOICE! As per tradition, we handicapped the finalists for NY Mag.com:

"The contest could potentially come down to intangibles like relatability, which CoverGirl loves and country-girl Laura has in spades. She positively oozes down-home quaintness, prone to twanging things like "We don't have a lot of oceans in Kentucky" and sporting clothes made almost exclusively by her grandmother. She's also got the better backstory: If you don't hear the phrase "castrating bulls" at least three times in tonight's episode, referring to Laura's job before the competition, we'll go neuter one ourselves. (By which we mean we'll consider forgoing our nightly Diet Coke.)"

But who do we really think will actually win?! WHO? Pop over to NY Mag to find out. I know the suspense is killing you.

November 18, 2009

Breakup Fugovers

Fug file:

makeover madness

There's nothing like an irrational, anger-fueled trip to the salon after an ugly breakup -- it's the kind of experience where you end up with bangs you can't pull off, a pixie cut that makes your ears look the size of eggplants, or highlights that look like you just pulled out a Major Accent and colored them in yourself.

Neither of these makeovers is THAT severe, but because we love to put things to a vote on GFY, I figured I'd spotlight them anyway. First up: Ashlee Simpson. Now, Ashlee just got dumped rather unceremoniously by Melrose Place, because she can't act. (However, her character is supposed to be unhinged, so her complete lack of talent actually ended up working to make Violet seem MORE deranged, and therefore I'm totally bummed she got canned. Chin up, girl, at least you got to nail Michael Mancini before the door hit you on the way out.) And Ashlee coped with this parting-of-the-ways with a new dye job.

Here she is before:

[Photos of Ashlee: Splash News]

Note: I am not endorsing the hat or the overalls.

And here she is now:

Continue reading Breakup Fugovers.

November 18, 2009

Full Fugs/Fugsney Todd

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ASHLEY: So... you stole my coat.

MARY-KATE: What of it? We're twins. For all we know, you stole my FACE.

ASHLEY: I just... it looked more like a coat on me. And less like I was wearing rug from The Sims 3's line of bachelor-pad furnishings.

MARY-KATE: Okay, crabby.

ASHLEY: And did you recently work at an ice-cream parlor in a funeral home? Because if not, what is the deal with that hat?

MARY-KATE: Oh, whatever, you should just be glad it looks like I washed my face.

ASHLEY: I know, that IS a nice change. In fact, I... wait. Oh my God. She's HERE.

MARY-KATE: Who? Who's here?

ASHLEY: Your soulmate. Crap.

MARY-KATE: SHARON STONE IS HERE?

ASHLEY: Dude, in what universe is Sharon Stone your soulmate?

MARY-KATE: I'm wearing a giant coat and a WTF hat with dramatic lipstick. These are SUCH Sharon moves.

ASHLEY: Well, no. I'm not talking about Sharon Stone. THINK, Mary-Kate. Who is basically the grown-up version of you? Hot mess, all knots and tangles? Seems vaguely deranged?

MARY-KATE: Oh my GOD. You mean...

ASHLEY: YES.

Continue reading Full Fugs/Fugsney Todd.

November 18, 2009

Well Played, Dakota Fanning

Fug file:

Can we just take a moment to appreciate Dakota Fanning?

She's so adorable and well-put-together and she doesn't seem like she's about to push her grandma down the stairs to steal money for leggings and gin (LINDSAY) and I just want to send her a thank you note for all of the above.

Also, the dress is cute.

November 18, 2009

Leightfug Meestfug

Fug file:

Leighton Meester gave me almost more than I could handle over my breakfast this morning.

It did not start with this, but this is part of it:

The eye makeup is ... intense. I know Leighton fancies herself a rock-star now, but she has the kind of eyes that look a lot smaller when you pile on the makeup, to the point where it kinda makes her look puffy and tired no matter what she's doing. The dress, well, I've never really understood wanting to make it look like you're wearing a tube top, and I certainly hope she had a car take her to this party, because otherwise I don't know how she would sit down on the subway or in a taxi without catching something unpleasant. But, whatever. At least the tube-top is keeping the girls in place, and even though I hate the art-deco mules she's wearing, I can deal with where she was going with this.

Perhaps that's because BEFORE I looked at this dress, I saw what Leighton wore inside the party to perform. It grieves me that we don't have legal access to put that photo on our Web site, and I PRAY that this link does not expire, because you need to see this, because OH MY GOD, when did Leighton Meester become Solange?

Just as bad is her new music video:

Continue reading Leightfug Meestfug.

November 18, 2009

Unfug It Up: Rose Byrne

Fug file:

A couple of months ago, Ms Rose Byrne here mentioned us in Harper's Bazaar (not by name, of course, but I knew it was us because we're the only couple of snarky bloggers who've expressed concern about her emotional health -- because WE CARE, duh), and noted that she is NOT depressed, despite her wan mien in photos, but merely nervous. So I was pleased to see this:

That's more like it! Such a pretty face, such shiny hair. But...what is she wearing? Let's find out:

Continue reading Unfug It Up: Rose Byrne.

November 18, 2009

The Fug List

Fug file:

In high school I had a friend who one night forgot he was wearing these slippers, and showed up at a party without changing his shoes. I have a sneaking suspicion something similar happened to Elizabeth Reaser:

Of course, she's also accidentally wearing a dress in a pattern I think was on sale at Limited Express in 1992, except it was a skort. Let us thank heaven for the small mercy that this one does not appear to be. But the real issue is why Elizabeth left on the fur-lined clogs that she clearly only owns to be worn in secret, say, around the house when her feet are cold and/or she's catching up on FLASHFORWARD (which I am incapable of uttering without whispering slightly and doing jazz hands) on her DVR with a bag of Doritos before running out to put the garbage cans by the curb. If this were Kristen Stewart, we'd be inundated with e-mails from angry Twilight fans arguing that clogging is so hot right now and insisting that if you have ever stood within four feet of anyone who is on his or her feet all day for a living -- like a food-service professional, or a nurse, or a really unpopular hooker -- then your feet will hurt so badly in sympathy that you TOO will wear shoes like this all over town. But since Elizabeth Reaser is in the lesser category of Twilight stars -- the ones where you go, "Oh, RIGHT, I forgot about him/her," kind of like with Peter "Mr. Kelly Taylor" Facinelli -- then I think maybe a couple of them will just worry that she banged her head on an open kitchen cabinet and maybe start writing a concerned e-mail to her agent that they will forget to finish.

November 17, 2009

Fugerate Housewives

Fug file:

Well, this is FESTIVE:

I feel like this dress will be worn all over the world by a certain subset of ladies to holiday parties -- some of them accessorizing it with light-up earrings in the form of trees -- and by a couple of women who work for the Tournament of Roses and are extremely committed to the concept of thematic dressing. And while it will be IDEAL for those specific ladies, I don't know that this whole Ruched Sleeves Ahoy look is going to set the night on fire for the rest of us.

November 17, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Big Winner Edition

Congratulations to Dan, whose acrostic poem about Juliette Lewis edged out the competition with 30 percent of the vote and won this week's Freaky Fug Friday contest. To you, we offer thanks for making it so much fun and for taking the time to vote; to Dan, we offer the following real-estate.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

So, Juliette
Those drapes you ordered
Really should be used
As drapes.
Now, it seems you think they
Go on your face.
Easy mistake.
Don't be embarrassed.
Anyone could make that error.
You're working it.
Sincerely, Lady Gaga

-- by Dan

Thanks again for what might be our favorite one yet -- we're so happy you're having as much fun with this as we are. We'll come back at you on Friday with another challenge. Until then, I'm Bob Barker, and have your pets spayed or neutered. Thank you and goodnight.

November 17, 2009

Better Played, Kristen Stewart

Fug file:

dialogue,
Twilight

KRISTEN: TAYLOROHMYGOD.

TAYLOR: It's okay, we're in this together.

KRISTEN: I forgot how intense this is. I think some 40-year old mother just asked if she could feed my hair to her sick child.

TAYLOR: Where's Rob?

KRISTEN: I'm not doing photos with him tonight. It's too intense.

TAYLOR: What is? The pandemonium? Or the urge to rip off his clothes?

KRISTEN: EW. TAYLOR. Rob is like FAMILY to me.

TAYLOR: Sorry.

KRISTEN: The kind of distant-second-cousin family that it was okay to marry back in Elizabethan times.

TAYLOR: So...

KRISTEN: Just shut up and tell me I look pretty.

Continue reading Better Played, Kristen Stewart.

November 17, 2009

Fug or Fab or Unfug: Halle Berry

Fug file:

It is unusual indeed that I look at a picture of Halle Berry and think, "Eh. Halle doesn't look that great."

Because she is Halle Berry, and she usually looks great regardless of outfit. But this just fills me with eh, meh and feh, with a dash of blah and whole lot of BORING. Am I correct, or has Sharon Stone just ruined me for anyone else? Can this be fixed? Should it be fixed? How? Why? When? Where? Who? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

poll by twiigs.com

November 17, 2009

Twifught: New Fug

Fug file:

There are a lot of things going on here that I don't quite understand -- the skirt that gets shorter in front if the part of a lady she should want to hide the most; the pattern that looks like the tiled top of a small patio table -- but nothing is as confounding to me as Christian Serratos' mouth.

It was chilly last night in LA, but not THAT chilly. Did somebody give her a blueberry Popsicle in the limo? Is she about to turn completely blue and blow up the size of a planet and need to be rolled to Willy Wonka's juicing room? If not then I hope it's just a bad makeup choice, because if those lips have anything to do with the one soiled kneecap she appears to be rocking, I may quit on our nation's youth.

November 17, 2009

The Fugdams Family

Fug file:

just...wow

On the one hand, this is awesomely dramatic.

On the other, Christina looks like a super-villainess called The Black Widow. Although awesomeness and villainy are not mutually exclusive, as any sensible Miss Hannigan sympathizer can tell you. The cape is inane, sure, but something about this photo -- I believe it's the expression on her face, as if to say, "Yes, that's right, my spine is leaking fabric; it's $10 a yard, if you're shopping" -- inspired me to put it to a vote rather than file it away in my mental folder labeled, "Capes: Cracked-out."

poll by twiigs.com

November 17, 2009

Ginnifug Fugwin

Fug file:

Here are some Dos and Dont's for you, courtesy of Ginnifer Goodwin:

DO walk around every party looking like you think you're moments away from being jumped by whatever gaggle of old ladies from which you stole the shoulder pads stapled to your shoulders. Because, let's face it, you ARE moments away from that; might as well spoil their fun by letting then know YOU know they're coming.

DON'T even try to hide the fact that you glued together that dress last night during a marathon of that One Tree Hill season where Brooke Davis was both a cheerleader AND a clothing designer, and Dan Scott murdered his brother, and Lucas experienced a really informative coma. Because you will run into someone at the party who secretly loves that show, and wants to talk about why all of Peyton's various mothers have to die.

DO accessorize with fishing lures, because you never know: Someone MIGHT try to pair you with a six-pack of Miller Lite and sell you a gas station to a dude in a puffy orange vest, and sometimes that's how love happens.

November 17, 2009

Slivfug

Fug file:

I am so excited for you guys to see this. I am so excited about it that I actually turned to Heather at a party we were attending last night and whispered, "I can't WAIT to go home and write about Sharon Stone!"

Because it all started with this:

She looks like a spy who's about to burst into a Fosse routine in celebration of finally nabbing her man, complete with hat-related choreography. And truly that would be enough for me -- the leather! The lipstick! The headgear! I'm happy. But because someone loves me, that turned into THIS:

Continue reading Slivfug.

November 16, 2009

Fug0,XFug, Fugsip Girl

Fug file:

Don't look so crabby, Little J.

[Photo: Splash News]

Either the Gossip Girl costumers are reacting to the public's generally horrified reaction to Taylor Momsen's usual Crotchtacular Faux-Punk style by wrapping her in as many yards of fabric as possible, or Little J has fallen through a rip in the space/time/reality continuum and has found herself living in a Henry James novel (this incarnation of which offers extra sequins). Either way, she should be thanking God we're not all screeching about how we can see the top of her thigh-highs. Enjoy the silence for as long as it lasts, kid.

November 16, 2009

If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put a Fug on It

Fug file:

Look, I know Beyonce is essentially wearing a black sequined version of a Juicy sweatsuit here -- if they made one that involved leggings and a be-chained zippered vest -- and her sunglasses are probably a necessity considering how SHINY her ensemble is, but there's something about this picture that just cracks me up:

[Photo: Splash News]

I think it's just that her expression says, "HELLO FRIEND! I am so pleased to see you." And considering that most celebrities' faces say something something closer to, "DIE PAPARAZZI DOUCHES DIE please see my movie opening next Friday," her cheerfulness is refreshing. I admit, though, that I may also just be programmed to feel pleased whenever someone appears dressed as though they're about to perform something involving jazz hands, and I feel confident that whatever routine Beyonce plans to bust out while wearing this outfit -- perhaps while insisting to her fellow diners that she insists on picking up the tab -- it is going to be JAZZHANDSTASTICAL.

November 16, 2009

Brangefugn...Zzzzzz...

Fug file:

BRAD: This artwork is so... right here.

ANGELINA: If I look for ten more seconds, is that polite enough?

BRAD: Boring.

ANGELINA: Must remember to blink.

BRAD: I hope I didn't leave any dinner in my beard.

ANGELINA Thank God, I look sufficiently boring and skinny. No one's going to pay attention to me when Brad is growing goat hair on his face.

BRAD: This thing itches. I wonder if it's rude to scratch it.

ANGELINA: Shoot, did I leave my sex-swing on?

BRAD: And I have that Miley Cyrus song in my head. Resisting... urge... to sing...

ANGELINA: I hope I didn't forget to take my knives out from under my pillow.

BRAD: Hurry up, Angie, walk away so that I can, too.

ANGELINA: Come on, Brad, move along. I'm waiting.

BRANGELINA: YAWN.

November 16, 2009

Love Fug

Fug file:

I've just spent like twenty minutes staring at Chloe Sevigny here:

The only conclusion that I've reached is that I would have LOVED this outfit when I was eight years old. Smocking, AND glitter, AND puffed sleeves!?! (Like Anne Shirley, I found puffed sleeves to be the height of sophistication as a youth.) A color palette complimentary to my Lemon Meringue doll? A faint whiff of Figure Skater to the entire undertaking. Sold! Sold for two weeks worth of allowance and six Scratch 'n' Sniff stickers to 3rd Grade Jessica!

November 16, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Juliette Lewis Voting Edition

Insanely difficult, it was, to
Favor any entries above all.
Really, Fug Nation, you're too
Excellent, erudite, and elegant for your own good.
At long last, we
Kinged five poems
In a long afternoon of reading and laughing at your
Nifty submissions, sharp and savage as a
Guillotine but without the messy cleanup.
Lewis, Juliette,
O mistress of nutballs,
Verily you bring us glee with your
Eccentric, eclectic
Yards of suffocating, swaddling fabric.
Obviously, we can't thank our
Unusually hilarious readers enough for making us
Giggle with their take on Juliette hiding
Under her curtain the color of shame. We hope
You enjoy the finalists we chose, but you should go read them all, because
Such genius and wit from everyone deserves a moment in the sun.

THE PICTURE:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

THE FINALISTS: After the jump.

Continue reading Freaky Fug Friday: Juliette Lewis Voting Edition.

November 16, 2009

Fug and Fab: Kate Bosworth

I actually don't have a problem with what Kate Bosworth is wearing -- I think it'd look fine if she just stood up straight.

I'm more worried about HER. Last we checked in, she was dating a hot British male model and looking healthier than she had in years, and now all of a sudden rumors are going around that she was making out with Chris Martin at a U2 concert -- which, if true, HOW STUPID ARE YOU -- and she's all wan and gaunt and messy-haired and I'm afraid it's because she's spending her time darting between bushes and large trees, lest Gwyneth's trained army of guerilla GOOPers find her and kick her repeatedly until she promises to write a letter all about sin and repentance for this month's GOOP: BE. (As it is, I fully expect an installment all about skinny blondes are the devil unless they happen to live in England and hang out with Madonna, and then instructing us how to make a quiche out of organic free-range cruelty-free shoe leather, Malaysian beetroot cubes, and a copy of Blue Crush.)

Come on, Kate, cheer up and stay healthy. And, just in case it needs saying: Don't tongue the married man. I don't care how much you like his band, or whether Bono's lusty pipes induced madness. Personally, I feel like it can't be true because, again, REALLY STUPID on a number of levels. But she wouldn't be the first person in Hollywood to do something in public that seems ridiculous, so... let's just all hope that whatever's going on with her, it will eventually involve several five-course dinners and a hot-oil treatment.

November 16, 2009

Unfug It Up: Blake Lively

Fug file:

Ah, good ol' Boobs Lively. She never disappoints.

Boobs Lively is a fairly apt nickname. They ARE lively. She has great boobs. Let's be frank: The world would see a lot more of mine if they were that awesome. But I'm not sure I'd do it in a top that's quite so "Excuse me, Groomsman No. 3, but the Mother of the Bride would like to see you in ladies' room. Bring champagne, LEAVE THE PANTS."

Of course, I highly doubt anyone in a wedding party, however voracious her appetite for spry man flesh, would have finished the outfit thusly:

Continue reading Unfug It Up: Blake Lively.

November 16, 2009

Fug's Anatomy

Fug file:

harem pants

Hi Sandra! Nice to see you, too!

Don't forget to collect your cutlass from the Weaponry and Coat Check at the end of the evening! If someone tries to steal your doubloons, you're going to need something with which to swash your buckle.

November 16, 2009

Who Fugged It More: Zoe Saldana or Chloe Sevigny

Fug file:

You know what's embarrassing?

Going out without remembering to button your top.

You know what's even MORE embarrassing?

Continue reading Who Fugged It More: Zoe Saldana or Chloe Sevigny.

November 13, 2009

Fugs and Pieces: Friday, November 13

Happy Friday, guys! Here's hoping your Friday the 13th is refreshingly free of Jason Voorhees and his hockey mask. Without further ado, here's this week's round-up of interesting bits and pieces designed to help you while away the last few hours at the office:

-- This week, Sesame Street turned 40. I can't imagine growing up in a world without Oscar the Grouch, my personal hero. Or the Count, obviously. Or Bert and Ernie, duh. I love Bert and Ernie. Well, and Big Bird. Who doesn't love Big Bird? People who are evil. And Grover. I LOVE Grover. And obviously Cookie Monster! And... well, we could be here all week, honestly, if I don't stop this now. (LA Times)

-- Speaking of Sesame Street, the National Post created this amazing piece featuring 101 of the show's characters, and their mini-bios. It's awesome. (National Post)

--- And of course, if you've never seen this video, in which Bert and Ernie try gangsta rap, you have not fully lived. It's some impressive-ass editing. (YouTube)

-- We're not sure we agree with every pick listed in "15 Literary Characters We'd Sleep With," particularly Holden Caulfield (yawn), Ned Nickerson (neutered), Carlisle Cullen (vampire; reason Edward exists to torment people with his stalkerdouchery), Gilbert Blythe (I know the Anne of Green Gables movies and books by heart, and while I cherish him, I just can't tap that, I'm sorry) -- but it's totally entertaining to discuss it. And think about it. And then discuss it some more. Seriously, NED NICKERSON? He's no better than a Ken doll. (Lemondrop.com)

-- SWEET. Turns out chocolate milk is good for you. I TOLD YOU, MOM! (The New York Times)

-- Speaking of chocolate milk, Lucky Magazine's gift guide devoted to presents that also benefit worthy causes features chocolate chip cookies. Cookies for charity? We're in. (Lucky Magazine)

-- We TOLD YOU Lady Gaga would wear those wacky McQueen hooves -- which she does, in her Bad Romance video. We love being right. Also, this video is batshit crazy. You should probably watch it. (Buzzfeed)

-- You might want one of these Mad Men t-shirts. (Don't look at those if you haven't seen this season's finale yet. Also, go watch the finale now. Seriously.) (Spread Shirt)

-- Unsurprisingly, the blog Chris March is writing about Project Runway for Lifetime is hilarious. (Lifetime)

-- WHY IS CARINE ROITFELD PANTSLESS? STOP THE MADNESS. (Refinery 29)

-- New York magazine has a great piece on why NBC is such a sinking ship right now. In a particularly good zinger, Mark Harris notes that if Jay Leno didn't kill the network, he's at least participating in an assisted suicide. A juicy read indeed. (NYMag.com)

-- I pray to the gods that you have viewed the full promo for James Franco's General Hospital debut, but if you haven't: DO IT. And even if you have, you might need to see it again. I may have clapped with glee when I saw it. (SoapNet)

-- And finally, an oldie but a goodie: What if When Harry Met Sally were...A STALKER HORROR MOVIE? Behold the trailer after the jump:

Continue reading Fugs and Pieces: Friday, November 13.

November 13, 2009

Lemonfug.com: Bests and Worsts from the 'Glamour' gala

This week, for the folks over at Lemondrop.com, we picked out a few (very few) pretty things and some screw-ups from the Women of the Year awards hosted by Glamour magazine. It was surprisingly hard to find stuff we liked, but two people made the cut; as for who we didn't like..

Regardless of your gestational situation, the general public should never be able to trace the contours of your belly button at an event involving heads of state. Or even the head of the PTA.

O, sweet mystery! Click here to read the full piece and find out whom we scolded.

November 13, 2009

NYFug.com: Fug Girls Book Club: Speidi's How to Be Famous

Fug file:

The Hills

Why yes, haven't you heard? Speidi wrote a book called How to Be Famous. We read it so you don't have to. A highlight:

"Most Unexpected Dis: Kristin Cavallari
She may have introduced Spencer and Heidi -- making this entire escapade basically her fault, so THANKS A LOT, lady -- but that didn't stop them from misspelling her name in the acknowledgments. Burn."

Oh, people. Proofreading is so important, don't you know? To read the rest of our (rather extensive) take on the book -- including such vital findings as, "Quality of Author Photos" and "Likelihood They Wrote It Themselves" -- click on over to The Cut.

November 13, 2009

Delta Goodfug

Fug file:

I can never remember if, as an American, I am SUPPOSED to know who Delta Goodrem is. You know what I mean. There are some celebrities -- like, say, any WAG but Posh -- who I know are truly famous only in the U.K. But then there are celebrities like Cat Deeley, who FEEL like they're only famous elsewhere but I only think that because I don't watch So You Think You Can Dance, and she's not out and about that much, and then I think about it and I realize that America totally knows who she is. But I am fairly sure that Ms Goodrem here is famous mostly in Australia, but CRAZILY SO there, as a super successful singer and someone who was on Neighbours. I rather wish she'd hit it bigger here in the States, because we'd see so much more of this:

It's like Peaches and Cream Barbie on top, C3P0 on the bottom. More of that CANNOT be a bad thing.

November 13, 2009

It's Always Fugly In Philadelphia

Fug file:

So, I've never seen It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Everyone says it's very funny, but... look, I watch almost everything, but even I -- or more accurately, my DVR -- have to draw the line somewhere, and one easy way to do that is to draw it at Channels I Don't Immediately Know How To Find On My DirecTV Guide. So, sorry, F/X. When you stopped showing 90210 reruns lo those many years ago, I stopped knowing where you were.

Anyhoodle. Kaitlin Olson here is on the show, and apparently, she married one of her co-stars. That is very sweet. This, sadly, is not:

She has deployed stirrup leggings. Presumably, she did not ride to this event on horseback, and unless this is the weirdest event ever, she's not at the gynecologist. So there is no reason for stirrups. At all. (For proof, see the title of the tag on this entry.) If you think your dress is too short, here's a thought: Wear a different one. There is NO problem for which "stirrup pants" is the answer. Okay, maybe if you are being mugged in Forever 21 and the only thing you can reach with which to fight back at your assailant is something off the lycra rack, then I will allow that stirrup pants have a hidden purpose. But otherwise, step away from them, America. I would expect this kind of behavior from a young twenty-something Olsen with a twin, not an older, more elegant Olson with clean hair.

November 13, 2009

Fugbor Pains

Fug file:

This is a new wrinkle.

Leggings and a t-shirt and wrestling boots we've seen before, but the corset on the OUTSIDE? Wow, it HAS been a long time since this girl wore a bra. Does UCLA offer an extension course in Undergarment Arts?

November 13, 2009

Fug or Fab Addendum/Unfug It Up: Kristen Stewart

Fug file:

This morning, when I Fug-or-Fabbed Kristen Stewart's interesting-if-mismatched-looking outfit, I was doing so without all the facts. Specifically, I thought she was clinging to Taylor Lautner for dear life simply because Robert Pattinson seemed interested in raining three-day-old odor down upon her while he snacked on her spleen. But as it turns out, she may have been nervously regretting her clothing choice. Because when she stalked offstage to maybe OR MAYBE NOT YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIFE sneak into R.Pattz's hotel room for some mopey and unwashed nooky, she revealed this:

Hola, panties.

I've heard of wanting a HOUSE with windows that let in a lot of natural light, but seeking a skirt with the same properties is baffling to me. Next she'll be shopping for a pair of pants with three bedrooms, central air, and stainless steel appliances.

The question now, which you can debate in the comments (which are now turned on... oops), are: Now that you're armed with all this information, what would you do to fix this outfit -- assuming you think it's broken -- and also:

poll by twiigs.com

November 13, 2009

Fug City

Fug file:

Every time I watch Olivia Palermo here on The City, I want to smack her. Whenever she's at her job for Elle, she acts like she's doing everyone there a favor by gracing them with her presence, AND she totally isn't backing that up with awesome work. Instead, she seems like she's completely half-assing that job and nothing makes me MORE ANNOYED than someone with a great job who just sort of does the bare minimum and then acts put upon when her coworkers are pissed that she's phoning it in. I've worked with people like her and they always made me want to whack them across the back of the head with a three-ring binder. (Although I must say that I think one of the reasons The City is more interesting to me than The Hills is that The City focuses much more on people's careers -- at least as much, if not more, than their relationships, whereas The Hills is SOLELY about people's almost completely scripted relationship dramas. Not that I'm not interested in relationship drama, trust me, but on these shows, said drama generally consists of people having UTTERLY OBLIQUE conversations that are nearly in code, and then staring blankly at the horizon. So watching Kelly Cutrone waltz into her office on The City like the head bitch in charge that she is, whipping everyone's lazy ass into shape and having no sympathy for their juvenile and possibly fictional issues, is totally satisfying. NO ONE on The Hills even GOES to work and therefore seemingly has no interest in doing ANYTHING with her life other than maybe hooking up with Brody and it's SO BORING. GET A GODDAMN JOB, GIRLS, as R. Kelly would say.) Anyway, where was I? Right. Olivia: a maddening coworker. BUT: she is insanely good-looking and has great hair and usually is beautifully pulled together. So THIS is particularly surprising:

Sweet sausage biscuits, what have we here? Sequined tap pants, an Asian-inspired belted vest, and granny's cardigan. This is the sort of thing that happens when you're picking out your ensemble after a bender of prescription muscle relaxers, boxed wine and deep-fried HoHos. I hope it goes without saying that my most fervent wish is for this kind of thing to become a habit for Olivia, so that I can look forward to seeing her on the finale of The City wearing, like, denim cut-offs, a Bedazzled coconut bra, an Elizabethan ruff and a cape.

November 13, 2009

R.Fuggz/Fug or Fab: Kristen Stewart

Fug file:

dialogue,
Twilight

TAYLOR LAUTNER: I am going to be as clothed as I can be for the rest of this tour.

KRISTEN STEWART: My hair claw and I are going to stand as close to Taylor as we can for the rest of this tour.

ROBERT PATTINSON: I am going to use as many natural bodily fluids as I can to style my hair for the rest of this tour.

TAYLOR: I am more than a body, world! Don't objectify me!

KRISTEN: I am totally not rocking the bed mambo with that dude, world! Don't be grossed out by me!

ROBERT: I am filthy and rank, world! Don't stalk me!

poll by twiigs.com

November 13, 2009

CMA Awards 'You The Jury' Fug: Carrie Underwood Omnibus

Fug file:

It wouldn't be a country music awards gala if Carrie Underwood didn't wear eleventy-four different outfits through the course of the night. So, people of the jury, get comfortable in your chairs and prepare to sift through the evidence to determine whether a crime was committed. You may deliberate in the comments.

Exhibit A:

The prosecution frowns that this mirrored dress mostly eliminates her waist, and reflects the red carpet in such a way that it becomes an artistic interpretation of internal bleeding. The defense snorts that the prosecutors are all a bunch of Crabby McCrabbersons, and puts in a call to some wig vendors to see about replicating this coif, because it's cute, and so is she. The prosecution wonders if this would've been better at knee length, but quiets down when one of the defense attorneys tries to take a pair of scissors to her jeans in order to prove the point that not EVERYTHING needs to be knee-length, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Exhibit B:

Continue reading CMA Awards 'You The Jury' Fug: Carrie Underwood Omnibus.

November 13, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Juliette Lewis

Fug file:

performances

It's your own fault, Fug Nation. You've proven so adept at every challenge we've thrown at you, we're going to get a little advanced on you this week. Yes, that's right. You heard me. It's time... for Juliette Lewis.

Remember, all submissions must be made in the comments section -- as in, NOT via e-mail -- by 10 p.m. California time on Sunday.

THE PICTURE:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

THE FUGEE: Actress and wannabe rocker Juliette Lewis.

THE EXTRA DETAILS: Juliette, formerly the lead singer of Juliette and the Licks, now fronts a band called The New Romantiques. You may also remember her from the time she wore corn rows in her hair at the Oscars, back when she was dating Brad Pitt. We have an extensive archive of her past transgressions, some of which mention her magical song lyrics. In this photo, she's performing in Munich.

THE CHALLENGE: Fug this outfit via an acrostic poem. "What is an acrostic poem?" you may wonder. I'm so glad you asked. An acrostic poem is one in which the first letter or syllable of each line itself conveys a message or spells a relevant word. For instance, the obvious one here would be to write an eight-line poem in which the first letters of each line combine to spell JULIETTE (well, okay, the obvious one might be a ten-line poem where the first letter of each line combine to spell CRAZYPANTS, but whatever). Here are some examples of acrostic poems, which may be helpful to you in figuring out how you want to do this. You don't have to make yours as long as some of those are; they're just good showcases for the format. Consider it like sending a coded message through verse. So really, we're acting just like an episode of Alias. JUST LIKE IT. (Actually, if you read that Wikipedia page, you'll learn that last month, Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly used an acrostic to convey a rude message to the California State Assembly that rhymes with "Duck Fu." That is... hilarious.)

THE REMINDER:

Can you guys
Remember to post
All entries by 10 p.m. Sunday in the
Zesty comments section?
You guys know the drill.
Please keep it clean
And in the vein of the site itself.
Now, go forth this Friday the 13th and
Totally kick the ass of this
Sad acrostic message.

November 12, 2009

Well Played, Kristen Bell

I don't know if K. Bell has changed stylists or started eating her Wheaties, or what, but she has been looking really cute lately. To wit:

How cute is she? I think I would have worn a bracelet, but that is the nittiest of picks. Shall we take a gander at the back of this? Let's do:

Continue reading Well Played, Kristen Bell.

November 12, 2009

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Martina McBride

Fug file:

wearing white

"Well? I'm wearing this damn thing. Now what am I supposed to do?"

November 12, 2009

Abbey Clancfug

Fug file:

Abbey Clancy here is a British celeb who has apparently been a very busy woman. She's engaged to British footballer Peter Crouch, after a rocky start to their relationship in which he dumped her in the middle of the 2006 World Cup via fax (!!!!!!!!) because he decided she was a cheating cokewhore (I paraphrase). He apparently ALSO issued a statement VIA HIS LAWYER that they'd broken up and he was never going to have anything to do with her again. THAT is way harsh. But anyhoodle, now they're engaged. In addition to dealing with all this dramz, it seems Abbey found time to be first runner-up on Britain's Top Model, do a modeling show with Janice Dickinson, be a contestant on Hell's Kitchen, model lingerie, and, it seems, live a busy and full life. Judging from this dress, she's also apparently a model for a secret version of Project Runway in which WAGS act as models for designers who happen to be legally blind:

That appears to be: a bra, some haphazard tulle, and a variety of ribbon belts woven together to create what I believe Heidi Klum would dub, "a big old mess." I don't know about you, but I suspect there's a designer somewhere that is about to receive a very agitated fax.

November 12, 2009

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Kellie Pickler

Fug file:

About ten minutes after I started working on this piece, a reader e-mail came through that enclosed this picture and was titled, "Kellie Pickler, Age 43."

And it's TRUE. This kid is 23, but you'd never know it. Now, I don't blame Kellie for wanting to distinguish herself from the cabal of country blondes -- Julianne Hough, Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood -- but the sedate hair plus the heavy dress, which looks like something a mature lady socialite would wear to a charity gala she's chairing, do nothing but add years to her.

Like, seriously, compare her to attendee Patricia Heaton, who is 51:

Continue reading CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Kellie Pickler.

November 12, 2009

Fug Fug Fug Fugged Fug

Fug file:

These Lindsay Lohan pieces are starting to write themselves.

It all starts with a gallery of pictures on pretty much any site, called something like, "Lindsay Lohan [insert variation on "staggers"] out of [insert name of Hollywood club] looking [insert synonym for deranged, sad, or 'the worse for wear.']"

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Then comes the part where I throw up my hands and decry her lack of pants, and how she looks rumpled and tragic -- here, because she looks like she just bedded a pirate and then stole his wardrobe for the walk of shame.

Next up, of course, is the obligatory jump to a closer look at her face:

Continue reading Fug Fug Fug Fugged Fug.

November 12, 2009

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

KEITH URBAN: Psst. Nicole?

NICOLE KIDMAN: Yes?

KEITH: Things had been going so well.

NICOLE: I don't understand. Isn't this color so lovely? Isn't this dress pretty?

KEITH: Yes, but...

NICOLE: And isn't my hair redder than it's been in years?

KEITH: Totally, which is...

NICOLE: Then what? What more do you people want from me?

KEITH: How about circulation in your boobs?

NICOLE: I don't know what you mean.

KEITH: That might be because you can no longer feel them.

NICOLE: But isn't cleavage sexy?

KEITH: Not when it looks a mangled stress toy.

NICOLE: WELL. I wasn't going to say anything about how you're wearing a shirt that's unbuttoned to your sternum -- AGAIN -- but since you're being all huffy...

KEITH: Nice try. But people expect to see my waxed chest. They DEMAND IT.

NICOLE: Riiiight.

KEITH: But they DON'T expect YOUR chest to look like it melted while you were sleeping.

NICOLE: Can we just go inside and get this over with? Now that you mention it, I DO feel like my boobs are about to burst.

KEITH: The open bar will fix that.

NICOLE: Bless.

November 12, 2009

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: LeAnn Rimes

Fug file:

So, LeAnn's dress is fine, right?

Would I have worn black shoes? No. But I am not nearly as worried about her black shoes as I am about her black eyes:

Continue reading CMA Awards Fug Carpet: LeAnn Rimes.

November 12, 2009

Fug or Fab: Kristen Stewart

I might be crazy, but I don't hate this:

It's kind of....funky fresh. It's probably also automatic, supersonic, and hypnotic. The hypnotic aspects possibly being responsible for my not ripping out my hair and SCREAMING about it. Now, do I sort of wish I could see the pieces separated into two different outfits? Yes. But I wish for a lot of things. I wish for world peace. I wish for my own soft-serve machine. I wish Pacey Witter was a real person who lived next door to me and was secretly in love with my hot ass. I wish my ass was hotter. I wish I owned this $1750 pair of Louboutin boots I saw through the window of Barney's last week. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. But if wishes were horses, as they say, beggars would ride. (And nowadays, of course, if wishes were horses, and beggars were riding, we'd be seeing a lot of stories on the local news about a rash of homeless people suddenly appearing on horseback, which would, at the very least, make for some interesting Man on the Street interviews.) In other words: we can't all get what we wish for and must make do with this.

poll by twiigs.com

November 11, 2009

Fug the Cover: Demi Moore

Can we talk about this? Okay. There are some truths that I hold to be self-evident: namely, that no one can deny the hotness of Demi Moore. She is crazy hot. She may be bathing in the blood of virgins, or drinking vanilla extract under the blue moon while standing on her head, or eating Bacon, Lettuce and Kitten sandwiches to maintain this level of hotness, but hot she is. Bravo, Demi.

HOWEVER. I am unclear as to why W has taken a super hot, very successful, grown woman and Photoshopped her until she looks like a waifish, hungry 19 year old who is just waiting tables at Caeser's Palace until she gets her big break. I have seen Demi Moore in person and she looks FANTASTIC, but she looks neither this fragile nor this hungry, and frankly, I am as tired of fragile, hungry-looking cover models as I am of epaulets. She's nearly 50. Surely there is more to highlight about her than an artfully-shadowed clavicle.

November 11, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Winner

Congratulations to T Shadix, whose winning song parody of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" earned 34 percent of the vote this week. We're having so much fun with these weekly contests, and we hope you are, too -- judging by the quality of the entries we're getting, you must be. So thank you!

And without further ado, the victorious caption:

"I Kissed A Girl/Missed the Wall"

This guy at Sears whose name was Stan
Sold me a Craftsman
I got so drunk, drill in hand
Lost my direction
It's not what, I aimed for
Just wanna hang a pic
I'm feeling blue 'cause I've
Drilled through my small intestine

I missed the wall and I'd like it
If you could call a medic
I missed the wall and my thigh's hit
I hope Sears will refund it
It felt so wrong
To drill so quite
Close to my innards tonight
I missed the wall, ow my right hip
My right hip.

-- T Shadix

See you on Friday with a new challenge.

November 11, 2009

Fugmmunity

Fug file:

basic (or unbasic) black

I feel like I'm the only person who hasn't really warmed up to NBC's Community. It keeps getting these slavish reviews, but in my -- admittedly limited -- viewings, the number of times I've laughed are outweighed by the moments in which I've realized I was boredly staring off into space, and had to say, "Wait, what's going on? I zoned out." I think it's because the show in part revolves around the assumption that the Joel McHale character is the kind of charming rogue who can make you love him even when he's being a douche, and in fact, I just think he's a smug asshat most of the time. ANYWAY. I'm sure I will eat those words in a few weeks, because that usually happens to me.

Let me endeavor to write words that will NOT become my dinner:

I do not think Community's Gillian Jacobs made a stellar choice here. The dress might be made of the most expensive fabric woven from unicorn hair, black pearls, and the tears of a clown, but it photographs like it's shiny construction paper. And I can't decide if the epaulets are TOO Liza Minnelli, just Liza Minnelli ENOUGH, or merely the shards of David Gest's wedding toupee in search of a new purpose. It's a lot to feel at once.

November 11, 2009

Stephanie Fugcobsen

Fug file:

Stephanie Jacobsen is on the shockingly watchable new Melrose Place as the Med Student Who Pays The Bills With Prostitution (not a spoiler, since she turned to the oldest profession in the pilot). And she is much prettier than this:

That dress is a very, very sad sack. It could even be an ugly shirt over a mini-skirt. All I know is, she has no business wearing a glorified lobster bib to a party unless her date is a man-sized crustacean.

She also needs to learn a thing or two about short skirts and posing. This is safe for work, so no fear:

Continue reading Stephanie Fugcobsen.

November 11, 2009

Well Played, Nicole Kidman

Fug file:

dialogue,
red

NICOLE KIDMAN: That's right, bitches! THE RED HAIR IS BACK.

KEITH URBAN: Can't see from my facial expression how relieved I am by this development?

NICOLE: Can't you see from MY facial expression that I know how HOT I look? And please, can it with all the "you don't HAVE facial expressions, Nicole" comments. I'M JUST SERENE IN MY TITIAN HOTNESS.

KEITH: Can't you see from my facial expression that I'm stoked that tonight's outfit didn't require chestal-waxing?

NICOLE: Can't we stop talking about you? And focus on ME?

KEITH: Yes, honey. Trust me, we're all glad you're back.

November 11, 2009

Byrdie Fug

Fug file:

Behold socialite and "actress" Byrdie Bell:

ARE WE SERIOUSLY GOING HERE? I CAN'T.

November 11, 2009

Paula Fugton

Fug file:

mondo cleavage

Paula Patton is pregnant.

Pretty pinafore, Paula, but please ponder putting your plentiful pregnancy peaches in a potentially roomier place. Your pectoral plethora is pouring out profusely.

November 11, 2009

Fug or Fab: Christina Ricci

This dress on Christina Ricci is a prime example of something that, for whatever reason, triggered a weird mental association for me and now I can't judge it on its own merits.

First, I thought the sparkly strip looked like the silhouette of a bejewelled bra being flung through the air. Then it evoked the stripe of glitter that appears somewhere different on Mariah Carey's body in every scene of Glitter (because that movie is a bastion of subtlety). And now all I can think of is That F'ing Movie, with horrible Max Beesley playing her love interest and the terrible acting and boring, boring story that's not even FUN-bad but rather merely BAD-bad, except for that one hilarious scene where the video director says, "Is she black? Is she white? I don't know. I need to see more of her breasts." Which I guess brings me back to the bra imagery. Thank you, Glitter, for bringing me full circle at least, even if I can't get back those two hours of my life.

None of which helps me evaluate this.

poll by twiigs.com

November 10, 2009

Sophie Fuglkiner

Fug file:

Oh honey NO,
WTF

This is Sophie Falkiner. The best I can figure it out, she is an Australian model who plays the Vanna White role on the Australian Wheel of Fortune. (For some reason, I assumed Vanna White was Vanna White in every Wheel of Fortune EVER, although that is obviously not possible due to the rules of time and space, so this blows my mind.)

In keeping with that, I have a puzzle for her:

W_F ARE Y_U WEARI_G? _H H_ _ EY, _ _

November 10, 2009

Can't Fug the Moonlight

Fug file:

accessories to the crime

Somewhere in the enclaves of Malibu, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife is looking at this picture and composing an enraged statement about it on her Blackberry, to be sent to US Weekly at her earliest convenience (aka, as soon as she finishes writing it).

It surely says something along the lines of, "I can't BELIEVE LeAnn would wear those incredibly hideous tights when she knows that I have those same hideous tights myself. She's obviously stalking me and I plan to file for another restraining order. By the way, did I ever mention that Eddie has three nipples. HE DOES. HE DESERVES THAT THIRD NIPPLE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT'S THE MARK OF THE DEVIL. THE CHEATING DEVIL! BURN HIM! BURN HER! BURN THEM ALL! BURN THE WITCHES!!!!!!!!!!! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

(I mean, the tights ARE seriously bad -- especially with LeAnn's hideous open-toed clodhoppers -- but really I'm just relieved to have found myself an opportunity to point out that Ex-Mrs Cibrian truly has released more angry statements to the press about her failed marriage than any wronged woman, ever. I mean, I feel you, girl. Infidelity is as ugly as that outfit. And these two have been irritatingly and publicly smug. But what I'm really trying to say is that revenge is a dish best served cold and IN NEAR SILENCE. When they both awake to find their shampoo has been replaced by Nair and their body lotion with self-tanner, you need PLAUSIBLE DENIABLITY. You know what I mean? Ahem.)

November 10, 2009

The House Fugly

Fug file:

bad hair

Can I just reiterate how much I hate Katharine McPhee with the short, blonde hair?

She looks like she's playing one of the Dixie Chicks in a Lifetime movie.

November 10, 2009

Fug Moon/Better Played, Kristen Stewart

Fug file:

ROBERT PATTINSON: Come on, everyone. I DARE YOU.

KRISTEN STEWART: Dare them to what? Ask if we're sleeping together?

TAYLOR LAUTNER: Oh, please God, no. I so don't care if you're sleeping together.

K.STEW: Right? BORING. I'm not even interested in whether we're sleeping together, at this point.

R.PATTZ: I'm so bored of us that my boredom comes back around to being arousal.

K.STEW: Ew. Not mine.

R.PATTZ: No?

K.STEW: LOOK AT YOU. I am not sleeping with you again, by which I mean for the first time, until you shower and shave.

TAYLOR: THANK YOU. It had to be said.

R.PATTZ: Well, I'm not sleeping with YOU ever again, or for the first time, until you go back to wearing Converse and tight jeans and not brushing your hair. You look like you're playing dress-up in Zoe Saldana's closet.

K.STEW: I think I look nice. And clean. And event-appropriate. AND CLEAN.

R.PATTZ: No no, I like my girls to look troubled and ill-rested and as though they're still coated in the sweat from our fervent horizontal joyride. You know, like me.

TAYLOR: SERIOUSLY. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME TO THESE THINGS WITHOUT DAKOTA FANNING. I AM NOT JOKING.

November 10, 2009

Fug or Fab: Rihanna/Take A Fug

Fug file:

Leg City

There apparently is part of me that's JUST OCD enough that I see Rihanna's dress dragging on pavement, and I think, "AAAH. It's going to be DIRTY and RUINED."

[Photos: Splash News]

It would be a shame to have this thing pocked with brown spots before it even makes it inside the Glamour Woman of the Year awards. Part of me is in love with the crazy architecture. But another part of me thinks it looks like dramatically wayward office clutter -- a Seussian filing nightmare. And what is the point of that pocket? It's so tight and tiny, you can't actually keep anything in there unless you want everyone to see what it is. Okay, MAYBE a couple bucks for the bathroom attendant. But if you want to keep your lip gloss there, everyone is going to think you have a strange cylindrical pelvic tumor.

So I can't decide: fab drama, or fugtastic Alice-style adventure through the bottom of a bourbon glass on the Mad Hatter's desk?

I am much more clear on my feelings about another recent RiRi gown:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Rihanna/Take A Fug.

November 10, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Voting Extension

Wow, this is the closest fug contest we've had yet: The leading reader song parody is only ahead by ten percent, and the others are all within one or two of each other. Since the post went up relatively late yesterday, we're going to keep voting open another day. So hop along to this post right here and revisit the brilliant parodies -- two "I Kissed A Girl" rewrites, a Perry Como song, and the "Super Bowl Shuffle" starring William "The Refrigerator" Perry -- and rock the poll with your opinion. The winner will be announced tomorrow.

November 10, 2009

Who Fugged It More: Mary Alice Stephenson or Katherine Heigl

Fug file:

Remember the time Katherine Heigl wore this? And we all chatted about it at length and it was so fun?

Well, except maybe for Katie. Whatever, she can go cry on a pile of cash and then go kick Dempsey in the shins, or whatever she does when she's feeling persecuted. ANYWAY, someone's trotted that old girl out again. I'd pretend it was a MYSTERY who, but her name's in the title up there. See?

Continue reading Who Fugged It More: Mary Alice Stephenson or Katherine Heigl.

November 10, 2009

Fug House

Fug file:

Aw, how sweet:

Bob Saget and that pretty girl in the awesome coat took dragged that poor conjunctivitis-afflicted grandma out to a party. What a tale she'll have to tell the rest of the ladies at the home!

November 10, 2009

20fug2

Fug file:

I have a lot to say about 2012. For one thing, when I saw the preview, it literally took me like the entire duration to realize that it was actually starring John Cusack and not Nicolas Cage. That movie SHOULD be starring Nic Cage, and goodness knows poor Nic could use the cash. (Those shrunken, possibly human heads don't buy themselves.) The other thing is, I wish I could have been in the meetings where they discussed which iconic American landmarks should crash into each other. "I know! The White House can crash into the Grand Canyon!" "That makes no sense, you FOOL. The Washington Monument should impale the Hollywood sign!" "That's RIDICULOUS! The Lincoln Memorial should smash into the Bellagio!" "Don't be INSANE. Mount Rushmore should crack over the Statue of Liberty's head!" What I'm saying is, the movie looks like lunacy, but it might secretly be terrible, unrealistic, scenery-chewing fun: after all, no one laughed harder or enjoyed herself more at Poseidon than did I. Anyway, the role of The Girl in this movie -- often taken by Emmy Rossum, as in the aforementioned Poseidon, and of course in Run! It's the Weather (aka, Day After Tomorrow) -- is being played by Amanda Peet, who for some reason has, thus far, appeared at both premieres wearing white. Either she's feeling real virginal lately or someone just learned about the magical powers of bleach. Behold:

I mean, this is pretty. A bit boring and she kind of looks like an under-styled debutante but it's inoffensive at worst. I also enjoy that the car on display at this event has been styled to look as though it crashed through the wall. DRUNK-DRIVING WILL BE RAMPANT IN 2012!!!

Being drunk might also explain THIS:

Continue reading 20fug2.

November 9, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Voting Editon

Yet another Freaky Fug Friday contest in which you all out-did yourselves. This week, the challenge was to take the picture of Ms Katy Perry below, and fug it in song. The catch? Whatever song you used had to be performed by Katy Perry, or any other Perry of note: Joe Perry, Steve Perry, etc.

Once again, it was crazy hard to choose our top options here, for REAL. Yet, those hard choices were made. PLEASE TO VOTE ON:

OPTION ONE, by Minutiae:

To the tune of the Chicago Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle," featuring William "The Refrigerator" Perry:

Katy's queen of the Fugly Crew
Wearing swiss cheese just for you
This new one sure is intense
Blowing our minds with her fashion nonsense
We sure do like to snark on her
It's nice she provides such great fodder
She ain't here to start no trouble
She's just here to wear a moon crater ruffle

Her name is Katy
A rookie she's not
We see her on GFY a lot
She's worn muppets and rubber pants
And fuzzy dice on stage to dance
She has more tricks for us to view
A holey dress in a pumpkin hue
She ain't here to start no trouble
She's just here to wear a moon crater ruffle

OPTION TWO, by Sally Racket

Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" as Performed by Her Dress (Or, A Postmodern Cautionary Tale About the Potential Misunderstandings Engendered by Gaping Holes)

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so [ ], drink in hand
Lost my [ ]
It's not what I'm used to
Just wanna [ ] you [ ]
I'm [ ] for you
Caught my [ ]
I kissed a [ ] and I liked it

OPTION THREE: by Poltergasm

To the tune of Perry Como's "Accentuate the Positive"

"I've gotta accentuate the insanity
Cuddle close to tulle inanity
Russell Brand's my new calamity
I've got the good sense of a lima bean."

"I spread my joy WAY up to the maximum
Poppin' holes WAY up to my stern-i-um
Look close: see my vag-I-n-ium
Soon Russ'll have me having up fourteen"
{ed note: While he's the only guy upon the scene.
Sorry.}

("To illustrate my last remark
My Bible-toting parents spark,
Occasionally they even BARK, but
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark?")

Man, they said we better
Accentuate salmon-effluvia
Plaster on the drip-mascaria
Chop holes from centrifug-ia
& Let her mess w/ always In-Between
Mess w/ Mister Meat who's In-Between
Chick on chick on chick, some not quite keen.
Genetics responsible for lima bean.
They learned from kissing girls
they wouldnt scream.
Just cut her clothes
til scarcely they'll be seen.

OPTION FOUR, by T Shadix

"I Kissed A Girl/Missed the Wall"

This guy at Sears whose name was Stan
Sold me a Craftsman
I got so drunk, drill in hand
Lost my direction
It's not what, I aimed for
Just wanna hang a pic
I'm feeling blue 'cause I've
Drilled through my small intestine

I missed the wall and I'd like it
If you could call a medic
I missed the wall and my thigh's hit
I hope Sears will refund it
It felt so wrong
To drill so quite
Close to my innards tonight
I missed the wall, ow my right hip
My right hip

[With a special shout-out to Marjan, who wrote:

"Could that skirt BE any cheesier?"

- by Chandler Bing, aka Ms Chanandler Bong, aka Matthew PERRY.

(Not technically a song and therefore ineligible for voting, but: funny. I can't resist a Chandler Bing reference)]

poll by twiigs.com

November 9, 2009

The Invisible Fug

Fug file:

makeup mishaps

Last Thursday, GFY Icon of Irreverence Tilda "SWINTON" Swinton turned 49. We celebrated by stapling curtains around our bodies and then drinking champagne out of our highest stilettos -- the former because, let's face it, sometimes that's what SWINTON's outfits look like, and the latter just because it seemed like fun and Intern George hadn't washed our champagne flutes in a few days.

SWINTON evidently feted the day by taking a lesson from Lindsay Lohan on makeup application:

[Photo: WENN.com]

Between the orange foundation and the intense eye brightener, her face looks like a creamsicle. Which is doubly jarring because I believe she's wearing an undertaker's sofa.

I love you, SWINTON. Never change. Happy belated birthday.

November 9, 2009

Real Housefugs of New York

Fug file:

Have I totally lost the plot, or is Kelly Bensimon walking down the street wearing her bath mat?

I'm serious. And this is honestly not even that surprising. Having watched many an episode of every Real Housewife franchise -- because I have no shame -- I can truthfully testify that Kelly Bensimon DOES seem to be the sort of person who might look down at her bathroom floor and think, "THIS. I'm going to wear THIS." I mean, she also jogs down 5th Avenue. THE STREET SECTION. NOT THE SIDEWALK. Wearing a bath mat probably seems neither bizarre nor questionable to the mind who doesn't see anything weird about forcing traffic to follow her at low speeds while she trots through the streets of New York. We should probably be glad it isn't her shower curtain.

November 9, 2009

Kenzie Fugton

Fug file:

[Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: Kenzie. Don't look up. Stare at the ground.

KENZIE DALTON: Why, Chad?

CHAD MM: Because.

KENZIE: That's a bad reason. If I stare at the ground, no one will see my face, and then I'll never get in Us Weekly and our whole mystifying 4-year engagement will be for NAUGHT.

CMM: Look, everyone already thinks I'm a douche, okay? I just don't want them to think I am in any way associated with those pants. Or that refried Carrie Bradshaw flower on your coat.

KENZIE: You're being annoying. Am I old enough to drink yet? Because I need one.

CMMMMMMMMM: Just hurry, okay, before anyone recognizes us.

KENZIE: No, Chad. Stop. You're denying America your special gift. Do you really want to skulk anonymously through the night, just because it looks like a small child ran with scissors directly at my pants? Do you? Is THAT the kind of man I'm marrying?

CM-SQUARED: Well, but we're never ACTUALLY getting married, are we?

KENZIE: LOOK UP AND DO WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO, or else I will wear these pants every day.

C-DOUBLE-M: FINE. I'll do it.

Continue reading Kenzie Fugton.

November 9, 2009

Fug and Grace

Fug file:

I really miss that terrible show Debra Messing was on last year. You remember. Judy Davis was using it to pay the rent. Vampire Bill was on it when it was a mini-series, as Debra's boyfriend, who happened to be both homeless AND a murderer but still was supposed to be seen as a legitimate catch, like I know it's hard to be single in Los Angeles but come on. And he was truly terrible, so bad that I think he must thank God every day that he landed on True Blood, where his slightly wooden affect works well for his uptight-yet-largely-nude vampire character. I can't remember what it was called, but I miss it, and clearly Debra has sunk into a deep depression regarding its cancellation, because what else could possibly explain...any of this?

I mean, a secret pregnancy would explain the cut of the dress. But nothing save for depression/head injury/a misguided attempt to switch to lo-flow shower heads could possibly explain the styling. Sugarplum, ain't no shame in throwing up your hands and just wearing a ponytail. You feel me?

November 9, 2009

Fug or Fab or Unfug: Freida Pinto

Fug file:

Well, from the neck up Freida Pinto is as gorgeous as ever.

From the neck down, I'm less sure. I love the shoes. And the bag. And the fouffiness of the skirt ("fouffiness" being a technical fashion term). It makes me want to twirl around. But I kind of wish the under-dress were black, too, because something about the beige reminds me of Spanx. And Spanx reminds me of being unable to breathe. And then I start to hyperventilate and I want to lie down.

What do you think? Tell me while I look for my inhaler.

poll by twiigs.com

November 9, 2009

Fug Lieutenant: I Don't Feel Like Looking Up the Bad Lieutenant Subtitle

Fug file:

So, can we assume that Eva Mendes has flown the Rachel Zoe coop? Because no matter what you may say about RZ -- insert a lengthy screed here that includes the words, "literally," "I die," "skinny," "bananas," "sandwich," and "caftan" -- I don't know that she would actually do this to anyone:

Sister, that is a lot of sideboob and while I'm not opposed to the sideboob in theory, like a nuclear warhead it must be deployed with great caution and only in the most serious of circumstances. Sure, that level of boob poking out from a button-down is fine if you're in a shaving cream commercial wearing your husband's shirt and gazing at him while he shaves, thus proving that Mac117 or whatever not only removes hair from one's face but is also A BABE MAGNET. And it's fine if you're playing the role of Teacher in any kind of Hot for Teacher Scenario. And of course it works when you're in the midst of shaking out your hair and taking off your glasses in a ploy to elicit a, "why, Miss [Whatever], you're BEAUTIFUL" in a B-movie from back when people said things like,"why, Miss [Whatever], you're BEAUTIFUL." But I think Eva here would be well-served by maybe buttoning ONE more button. Because instead of being sexy, from the front this thing turns into kind of a mess:

Continue reading Fug Lieutenant: I Don't Feel Like Looking Up the Bad Lieutenant Subtitle .

November 6, 2009

Fugs and Pieces: Friday, November 6th

-- Busy Phillips called Chad Michael Murray "a douche" at the Paley Festival's Dawson's Creek event. The account of the ensuing attempts of James Van Der Beek to kinda-sorta-not-really defend The Chad is hysterical. Oh, CMM. You squinty, squinty douche.[Zap2It]

-- This is a fascinating account of Nicolas Cage's compulsive spending: 'Three people who visited his house also report seeing shrunken heads. None is sure whether they were actual people's heads (which are illegal to import) or simply those of animals (which generally are not). Still, one thing was for certain. "They were pretty weird," says a source.' Also, the art on that first page really ought to be the next National Treasure movie poster. [The Daily Beast]

-- How is it possible that Dakota Fanning has grown up as an insanely respected child actress AND a totally normal kid who is also completely adorable? I mean, if you are a movie star and the potentially jealous fools at your high school STILL vote you Homecoming Princess, then you must be doing something right. [JustJared]

-- Who do we think is going to wear these Alexander McQueen shoes first? My vote is Lady Gaga, although she might have to wrestle them from Jennifer Lopez's greedy claws. [Vogue]

-- But it is REALLY a reality show based on The Cutting Edge if nobody is doing the pamchenko? [PopWatch]

-- Stephen Colbert wants to save the U.S. Olympic Speed Skating team by raising enough cash to sponsor it. People can donate by clicking here. We love you, Stephen. Also, you'd raise a lot more money if you promised to wear the unitard on-air. Trust us. We're fashion bloggers. [Time.com and USSpeedskating.org]

-- We did an interview for Lifetime's Web site, and then we picked a couple celebrity looks we like that are themed by People Whose Legs Remind Us We Really Need To Unplug The Laptop And Work Out Sometime. [MyLifetime.com]

-- And after the jump, a video clip that I hope will make your life, as it did mine:

Continue reading Fugs and Pieces: Friday, November 6th.

November 6, 2009

The Fuglls

Fug file:

Okay, Kristin, we see you. And we covet your abs. Mission accomplished.

November 6, 2009

The Fugma Sisters

Bold choices from Yvonne and Madeline Zima here.

I'm not entirely convinced Yvonne didn't make that red thing herself one long, sleepless night while TNT ran the movie Maverick over and over again. And Madeline's seems like it belongs in one of those old-timey photo setups where you show up, they put old clothes over your real ones, and tell you not to smile while they take your photo -- all so you can get a sepia-toned picture of yourself in a cardboard frame looking like your own crabby ancestor.

In fact:

Continue reading The Fugma Sisters.

November 6, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug: Katy Perry's Other Outfits

Fug file:

Katy Perry had a busy night in Germany: As the host of the MTV EMAs, she did what every awards-show emcee does, and wore seventy billion different outfits. I got tired just sifting through the photos, and I didn't have to change my pants every five minutes to do it -- although maybe next time I will, just to increase my empathy. That way, when, say, Eva Longoria Parker hosts the ALMAs again and dons 15 separate ensembles, and I fug them, and she calls me up (you know, as she's wont to do) and goes, "Bitch, you don't know my life," I can be like, "Oh yes I DO -- do you KNOW how many t-shirts I went through last night while I was surfing for photos?" And then we'll cry and hug it out and she'll give me a pair of Louboutins from her closet as a peace offering.

Anyway: Perry. Let's start with what she wore on the red carpet.

I don't mind this too much. From some angles, the black detail looks like a creeping skin disease, and I guess it is indenting on her left boob a little bit, and I am tired of fishtails... in fact, given all of that, why DOESN'T it bother me? I don't know. I actually think she looks pretty. And TINY. It's not that I ever thought Katy Perry wasn't super slender, but for whatever reason this drove it home.

Later, there was this:

It's fine. It fits her boobs better. It's fairly plain, but for the adornment on her chest that reminds me of what might happen if you ran over an Everlasting Gobstopper with your car.

Once Katy got on stage, though, things took their usual turn:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug: Katy Perry's Other Outfits.

November 6, 2009

Leigh Lezfugk

Fug file:

blue

This photo was a contender for Freaky Fug Friday, until Katy Perry swooped in with her Swiss Cheese ball gown and stole Leigh Lezark's thunder.

[Photo: Splash News]

It's just as well. Because obviously, based on her dress, Leigh Lezark has just returned from an incredibly depressing and cheap Hawaiian vacation, and she needs some time to heal.

November 6, 2009

A Fuggle Man

Fug file:

lace,
WTF

Is Ginnifer Goodwin being punished?

I feel like this is what you'd get if you tried going out in a skimpy outfit, and your mother said, "HOLD ON THERE, honey, you are not leaving my house dressed like THAT," and you were like, "MOM, don't be so LAME, this is TOTALLY not even that short," and she was all, "But I can see your NIPPLE poking through there," and you were like, "Dude, Mom, nips are the new black, everyone is doing it," and she was like, "I WOULD SOONER GLUE THE GUEST-ROOM CURTAINS TO YOUR BODY THAN LET YOU WEAR THAT DRESS," and you go, "I'd like to see you TRY, old woman," and she said, "OH NO YOU DI'INT," and grabbed her glue gun and a stapler and went to town, and you wore it out anyway just to prove that she couldn't defeat you. So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe Ginnifer would've been better off picking the lengthy grounding that awaited her behind Door No. 2.

November 6, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug: Beyonce AND Leona Lewis

Fug file:

I always speak too soon. I put up photos of people on the red carpet -- like Beyonce yesterday, and Leona today -- and then I see that they changed their clothes for the performance portion of the evening. It happens ALL THE TIME and yet I always forget. I am like Jessica Simpson with boys who are guaranteed to break her heart: I NEVER LEARN.

First up: Beyonce's stage attire.

You know, it's... well, it's Beyonce in lingerie. It's not the weirdest thing she's ever worn, nor is it particularly inspired. I guess I just wish she weren't being quite so Christina Aguilera about it all. We've been there. We've seen that. It was dirrrrty. Move along.

Leona Lewis went much bigger for her performance:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug: Beyonce AND Leona Lewis.

November 6, 2009

Fugruza Balk

Fug file:

When I was younger, The Worst Witch was one of my favorite book series, and I LOVED the TV version they did with Charlotte Rae and Diana Rigg and -- the best -- Tim Curry. And Fairuza Balk, just a kid at the time, played the hapless sorceress in question, Mildred Hubble. She was adorable, and I've always had a soft spot for her because of that part.

So I enjoyed seeing her turn up at the Bad Lieutenant premiere. I guess she's in the movie. Hooray for being a working actress.

And when I saw this, I thought, "Oh, it's typical Fairuza biker-chick fashion. I'm sure the bottom is just a pair of leather pants, or something."

It is not.

Continue reading Fugruza Balk.

November 6, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis

Fug file:

When I first saw this photo, I thought, "I guess that's sort of an interesting cocktail dress Leona is wearing."

And then. AND THEN:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis.

November 6, 2009

Fug or Fab: Eva Mendes

Fug file:

It's not that I hate things that are sparkly.

It's that I think Eva Mendes may have arrived at this event via confetti cannon.

poll by twiigs.com

November 6, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Katy Perry

Fug file:

orange

I hope you guys have been checking out the comments on these Freaky Fug Friday entries -- seriously, we always knew our readers were smart and funny, but y'all are blowing us away with the awesomeness of your contributions. Even though we weed through the submissions to pick our favorites, there is so much more awesome to be found, you'd be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't pore through as many of them as you can. Bravo, Fug Nation.

Onto this week's Freaky Fug Friday.

THE PICTURE:

THE FUGEE: Katy Perry, singer, kisser of girls for shock value and profit, girlfriend of British comedian Russell Brand.

THE CHALLENGE: Fug her through song. Pick a tune by any famous Perry -- Katy, Steve Perry, Aerosmith's Joe Perry, Perry Como, Perry Farrell, um... Perry... Mason -- and rewrite the lyrics to apply to this photo. You do NOT have to do the entire song -- just do enough that we get a sense of what you're parodying. Note: Include the name of the actual song in your entry. You know, just in case.

EXTRANEOUS DETAILS: Katy here is in the act of hosting the MTV European Music Awards, a night on which she wore several costumes, including the above.

IMPORTANT WARNING: Please keep your entry in the spirit of the site itself. We're pretty sure y'all know what that means.

Post your entries in the comments -- do not e-mail them to us, please! You have until Sunday night at 10 p.m. Pacific time. Per usual, the finalists will be put to a vote on Monday. Now go forth and compose!

November 5, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

There was a time when the sight of Beyoncce in a strapless, clingy gown with a fishtail-esque hem would've elicited an eye-roll from both of us, and a yawn, and several chants of "BORING" while we listened to The Pierces' "Boring" and scrawled the words Mrs. Beyonce BORING on our Trapper-Keepers.

And yet:

Apparently absence makes the heart grow fonder. Miss B has spent so much time wearing robot hands and leotards lately that I'm actually very pleased to see her looking so shapely and pretty here in that very eye-catching dress. I love the structure of the top. When you're a woman with hips, wearing a bodice like that with so much architectural fan detail is really risky because it could broaden you rather than flatter you but somehow -- by the grace of God and her DNA, I guess -- Beyonce is rocking it hard. I also love the full, curly hair. The whole thing, to me, works.

I mean, consider it: Not that long ago, Beyonce would've been the one showing up wearing this:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce.

November 5, 2009

Erin Fugcas

Fug file:

Erin Lucas is doing a bang-up job getting herself on people's invitation lists, considering she only made it through one season of The City before ~~being deemed too boring to continue~~ deciding to leave. But she might want to try making a bit MORE out of those opportunities:

[Photo: WENN.com]

I mean, I'm pretty sure Erin got those slacks by aisle-jacking a flight attendant who is three inches shorter than she is. Come fly her fugly skies.

November 5, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Juliette Lewis

I don't know how to break this to you, so I'm just going to come out and say it: Juliette and the Licks apparently broke up back in JANUARY. Why was I not notified, Universe? This means we may never get to hear her perform such instant classics as "Sticky Honey," in which she wails with such unbridled yearning, "Sticky sticky sticky honey // Man lands on Mars // Man rips off his broken parts."

[Photo: WENN.com]

The GOOD news is, it doesn't appear to have affected her aesthetic yet.

Also, her new band -- The New Romantiques -- isn't wasting any time getting to the crazy. Its song is called "Suicide Dive Bombers," which Juliette said, quite seriously, is a love letter to all the fans who keep coming to watch in her perform. And it's true. Nothing bespeaks the heart's most precious emotion than a song named after terrorists that includes the words, "Now you see this path has all been laid out... littered with guillotine and razorblades. I lost my mind more than once." If that's love, then can't WAIT to see what comes out when she decides to write a lyrical hate letter.

November 5, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Pete Wentz

Fug file:

Well, this was unexpected.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Do we think Pete Wentz, after a few too many cocktails, had a "Eureka!" moment in which he finally married his twin passions of A Clockwork Orange and Sharpies? Or do we think he passed out and his bandmates drew on his face? Either way, Ashlee will be so pissed. She didn't get fired from Melrose Place just to sit around the house scrubbing his eyelid with cold cream.

Perhaps Pete will give us a clue as to what inspired this. Pete? Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Pete Wentz.

November 5, 2009

NYFug.com: James Franco's Soap-Opera Stint Is A Genius Move

Given our soapy proclivities, it ought not surprise you that we think James Franco's planned appearance on General Hospital is awesome -- and that it makes HIM that much more awesome, too.

Based on the photo, Franco is throwing himself into GH with gusto. His eyes are so shifty, his hands so deeply jammed into the pockets of his slick black suit, that he might as well wear a sign saying, "As soon I leave this room, I'm going to pull a gun out of my pocket, chuckle sinisterly, and then deliver an evil monologue to the wall at full volume in the middle of a crowded yet strangely blind-and-deaf public space."

But WHY do we think it makes him Hollywood's most interesting actor? To find out, you'll have to click through and read the whole piece. It's worth it just for the photo. That is some serious soap-opera brooding happening.

November 5, 2009

Fug Box

Fug file:

blue

I kind of want to like this. Indeed, I DO like it conceptually:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

But Cammy, there's no shame in going up a size. Nobody will know but you. Trust me, it's worth it: You'll look better, you can inhale sweet oxygen, and you might even have room for some free appetizers and a cocktail. Hell, throw in that badass necklace, and for some of us, that constitutes a perfect night.

P.S. I think... no on the shoes. They're too heavy with the outfit. Hooves are for horses, not humans.

November 5, 2009

The Fugd

Fug file:

metallics

This was going to be a scrolldown fug, but frankly, I'm not that enamored of any of it.

That looks like an ornate bathrobe -- like what Charlize might throw on at home in her dressing room if, say, she's about to take a scrappy orphan girl to the movies, and she'd like to sing about it for a bit first while she powders her nose. The shoes seem totally discordant with the rest of the outfit -- just because they have sparkly things on them, it doesn't mean they're formal -- and I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that Charlize spent the entire night with her hand covering her crotch, just in case her robe keeps riding up there and threatening to turn "Let's Go To The Movies" into an odd euphemism -- albeit one that Daddy Warbucks would enjoy.

November 5, 2009

2 Become Fug

Fug file:

Dearest Mel B. You have serious problems here. How to put this...

How about if I borrow from one of your tender Spice Girls ballads:

Get a little bit clothed here, baby.
Put 'em on, put 'em on.
'Cause tonight
Is the night
Your pants must get done.
You need some trou like you've never needed trou before (let 'em make love to you, baby).
You've got a little shirt -- now go back for more (don't let it make fug to you, baby).
Setting your crotch free
Is no public way to be.

November 5, 2009

Everybody's Fug

Fug file:

polls,
purple

Apparently, Drew here -- promoting Everybody's Fine, a movie I had no idea even existed, with a title that inspires absolutely no curiosity in me because, hey, if everybody's fine, then I don't need to pay $13 to check in with them -- is wearing one of Victoria Beckham's creations.

Time was, if we'd heard Posh would be designing clothes, we'd be girding our loins for leopard-print corsets attached to a skirt made of one linen napkin and a riding crop, a tutu made of soccer balls, or some kind of actual high-fashion loin-girder constructed from leather and three kitchen knives. Seriously, rewind to 2005, and ask yourself if you'd have envisioned this dress when someone said the words, "Designed by Victoria Beckham."

Some of Posh's other stuff is quite pretty, but this one is leaving me cold. It's very Walking Up The Aisle At A Winter Wedding, While Making Eye Contact With Hot Single Groomsman No. 2. I'm not entirely sure if the bodice fits, and the length is very stumpifying. I want it to be shorter. Indeed, as much as Drew has quirked it up lately to a level that is confusing to me (I will never understand the skunk dye job, for instance), this seems so tame that her very Drewness, that lively spirit, has gotten lost in its stodgy eggplant embrace. Woe. Indeed, I started this post as a Fug or Fab, and then realized I'd written the entire thing without very much optimism for the "fab" vote.

Eh, might as well put it to a poll anyway.

poll by twiigs.com

November 4, 2009

Infugreious Bastfegs

Fug file:

Man Fugs

Can we all just take a second to absorb what Brad Pitt has done to his facial hair?

[Photo: Splash News]

Yes. I believe those are wee goatee ponytails. Or maybe he's considering making an attempt at face-dreads? Am I allowed to pretend that this is either leftover from Halloween, or that he lost some crazy bet with Pax? Yes. Yes, let's all make a pact to agree that this is the off-spring of a bet. Oh my god, I feel better now.

November 4, 2009

Fugmilla Belle

You know, I'm sorry for all the times we make jokes about how people look like they're figure-skaters.

But people could help us out a little, you know. They COULD stop dressing like they're about to bust out a triple axle and then land on the head of a man dressed as a giant baby that's balancing on the toes of three acrobats, as part of Mystere On Ice. This would save us all a lot of aggro. Particularly the giant baby-man who's about to get a skate blade to the noggin. (Although, have you SEEN Mystere? He totally has it coming.)

Parenthetically: I love a hidden platform in a shoe. It makes the super-high heels secretly very manageable. But I think perhaps footwear is veering away from "hidden" platforms and more toward "I nailed a doorstop to the bottom of my feet." It's kind of freaky. Either hold me, or buy me a Diet Coke. Thanks.

November 4, 2009

Melbourne Cup Omnifug

Fug file:

secretly awesome

You know what I love? If you've been reading long enough, you probably do: Diet Coke, sandwiches, Josh Jackson, shoes, and when people wear wacky hats to horse races. Yesterday (or...two days ago? I get confused with the whole international date line thing, and how our friends in Australia are living in THE FUTURE) was the Melbourne Cup, and it was not disappointing. Let's examine the ladies and their wacky/fabulous hats, shall we?

Former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins looks fine, if maybe in need of a slightly larger skirt. Like, half a size. Maybe a quarter of a size. Just so I can't see her hip flexor muscles. But what's that on her head?

Continue reading Melbourne Cup Omnifug.

November 4, 2009

Fug Moon

Fug file:

[Photo: Splash News]

TAYLOR LAUTNER: I'm so excited to be here to promote New Moon.

KRISTEN STEWART: New Moon? I thought we were here for a screening of Newsies.

TAYLOR: No.

KRISTEN: Are you sure? Why else would I be dressed as an urchin?

TAYLOR: Maybe you just want to pick a pocket or two.

KRISTEN: I kind of AM in the mood to rob a bitch. And then break into a totally spontaneous choreographed dance routine that ends with me picking my teeth with a tire iron, or something.

TAYLOR: I really wish they'd send me to these things with Dakota Fanning.

November 4, 2009

I Fug You, Beth Cooper

Fug file:

AT LAST I have something to say to Hayden Pantywaist should I ever find myself standing next to her in line for the ladies room:

"How are things going with you and Danny Zuko? I just love that kid! Please give him my best."

November 4, 2009

Fug or Fab/Unfug It Up: Leighton Meester

Fug file:

You might think I would object to this dress on the basis of the giant flower alone.

[Photos: WENN.com]

Not true. There is potential in that flower. It has gumption. It would walk into a CEO's office, straight past the protesting assistant, and demand to be considered for a promotion. No, more than that, it would impersonate its boss while said boss is recovering from a broken leg sustained during a skiing accident, borrow liberally from the boss's wardrobe, arrange a major deal with Harrison Ford that involves crashing a dude's daughter's wedding just to convince him to take a meeting with you, get a horrendous haircut that's supposed to be more chic and professional than her teased-up ferry-proof hair, dump stupid cheating Alec Baldwin, and then win the day and an office of her own when the boss returns and tries to claim the brilliant deal idea as her own -- all while delivering its lines with the diction of a 13-year old girl who accidentally drank a glass of scotch. That flower has moxie.

But those shoes have a giant blackhead. And the blue print blossoms on the skirt are kind of distracting, like the dress fell down hard and bruised itself. Not to mention that Leighton's lank mane is kind of competing with the bloom that's growing from her torso. There is a lot going on here, and what I'm saying is, I don't think all blame can be pinned on the very dramatic chest flower.

In the interests of full disclosure, or at least as full as I can make it, here is a photo that shows the back:

Continue reading Fug or Fab/Unfug It Up: Leighton Meester.

November 4, 2009

Califugnication

Fug file:

Initially, I was going to make this an Unfug It Up.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Then I realized it would be the shortest discussion ever (presumably) because I can point very clearly to the thing that is derailing Madeline Zima here. Yeah, okay, the dress boasts a giant red arrow to her pelvis, as if someone is at risk of not understanding that the Love Canal entrance is thither. But it might be cute; I don't know. It's difficult for me to focus on anything with those leaden grey tights mucking up the works. If she scrapped the stockings and the twee Mary Janes, then I could resume analysis of the rest of her outfit, marvel at how much Ms. Zima reminds me of Alicia Silverstone, and end with a well-timed Clueless joke and a query about vegan cupcakes. Alas, let us weep for what could have been, dear readers.

November 3, 2009

Fug or Fab: Paula Abdul

Fug file:

When I saw this photo in thumbnail size, I thought Paula Abdul here was Jasmine Guy -- her hair is similar to Jasmine's on Vampire Diaries, and I had just been talking about how Ms Whitley Gilbert is MUCH too young to be playing a grandmother on said show, so I had her on the brain. (It has been pointed out to me that Whitley's VD character IS a witch, so maybe she's staying young-looking thanks to MAGIC, and I feel like I might be able to accept that. And trust me, I am happy to see her working, but still. Jasmine Guy is no grandma. Anyhoodle.) Which is why I thought, "is Jasmine Guy actually kind of working high-waisted leather pants? She IS a witch!!"

Look, it's possible that I have totally lost the plot. This is the third day in a row that I've had a fever. Last night, I had a feverish delirium that Ryan Seacrest and I were being forced to perform "Tardy for the Party" for President Obama and I couldn't find my wig. (Ryan was cool about it.) So let's take a looksee in the close-up:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Paula Abdul.

November 3, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Tuesday BIG WINNER Edition

Congratulations to OKCKate, this week's winner of Freaky Fug Friday and the author of your favorite limerick about Elen Rives. Her victorious lines were a relatively last-minute entry, and we're thrilled that her epiphany was so popular. Here it is, your winner, with 42 percent of the vote:

[Photo: Splash News]

There once was a woman from Spain
Whose efforts to match went in vain.
So she tried to distract
With a coat made of cat.
Chica! Kitty and mink ain't the same!

-- OKC Kate

Congratulations again! We'll have a new challenge on Friday. Remember, if you want your entry to be credited a certain way (your full name, or, say, Barbara from Sioux Falls, or whatever), include that in the comment, or else we'll just go ahead and use your commenting handle. See you Friday! ... Well, except that I'll still be here the rest of the week doing other things, but you get what I mean. Right? Right.

November 3, 2009

Fugvate Pracfugce

Fug file:

I do love a nice slim suit, so apart from the velvet jacket seeming a bit heavy, I think Kate Walsh looks pretty chic here.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Of course, when I say "here," I mean, "in this photo, from this angle." Because like so many things -- Top Chef challenges, any episode of Murder, She Wrote, Marilyn Manson -- this outfit is not what it might first seem.

Continue reading Fugvate Pracfugce.

November 3, 2009

M.Fug.A.

Either M.I.A. is launching a Sea World-inspired line of clothing, or had a VERY different experience with the movie Jaws than I did.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Her man-eating midriff appears to celebrate the beast. But you know, maybe we ALL need to take a step back and consider whether we misunderstood that poor shark. Imagine craving a cheeseburger and finding only tofurkey in your fridge. So maybeJaws wasn't a soulless killer; it was just hungry for some steak tartare, trapped with his country-club appetite in a Red Lobster world. Like Miss Hannigan, perhaps he is the real hero.

Of course, none of that explains why M.I.A. has a different understanding of trousers than the rest of us. Boots are not pants, child. Believe.

November 3, 2009

I've Run Out of Variations on Phoebe Price.

Fug file:

Here's the thing about Phoebe Price:

This photo was taken on Halloween. It SO EASILY could have been snapped on, say, Thanksgiving, or Veteran's Day or National Sandwich Day (which is today, by the way! GO TELL A SANDWICH YOU LOVE IT). I mean, seriously, Phoebe? "Rear Admiral"? Give me a break. That's JV squad material, and you know it. I expected to see you walking up and down Robertson Blvd wearing one pasty with Jon Gosselin's face on it, and one with Kate's face stuck to the other boob, while reading a copy of Star and yodeling. This is like barely even trying, for you. In fact, I'm concerned. Are you depressed? Do you feel unwell? Do you have a brain fog that's preventing you from giving Halloween your all? What is going on here? Maybe you should consult an expert -- I'm sure Bobby Trendy could help.

November 3, 2009

Poker Fug (CAN'T READ MY CAN'T READ MY)

Fug file:

WTF

I have this new theory about Lady Gaga that I am telling everyone, so you might as well be next. Namely, she is actually really talented -- every time I hear "Paparazzi" I think, "Oh, that's right, she CAN sing" -- and therefore probably doesn't need to be wearing this sort of thing:

I mean, for all our LOOK INTO PANTS screeching about Gaga, I get it: Her wardrobe is performance art, or at the very least, it's a ploy for attention that can easily be explained away as performance art. But I think these wacktacular get-ups are starting to distract from her actual skillz. Also, at a certain point she's going to reach the end of her wacktacular rope and cycle around to wearing, like, jeans and a tank top. THAT would shocking at this point. So, now that I think about it, maybe her two-year reign of pantlessness was all just an elaborate ploy designed so that, eventually, girlfriend can leave the house in her Slanket and we'll all just be like, "Well, at least she's comfortable." Right?

Oh, this outfit? I mean, I don't know. What can you say about this? She's a very confused widow, mere days from incarceration in the asylum, who's just had a terrible baking incident? What do you say when you meet Lady Gaga at a party and she's wearing Joan Holloway's underpants, covered in flour and making claw hands? "Wow, I just love your batshit crazy face veil. Is that attached to your wig?" "Carpal tunnel is a bitch, right? Gosh, I'm crazy about...that button down." Or just, "Can I get you something from the bar?"

November 3, 2009

Agyness Fugyn

Fug file:

I was just wondering the other day what happened to model Agyness Deyn here. (By the way, did you know her real name is actually the very y-deprived Laura Hollins? According to Wikipedia, "Deyn's name was apparently coined to further her modeling career after she consulted her mother's friend, a numerology expert, who advised her of the most 'fortuitous' way to spell the name 'Agnes'." I always just assumed her given name WAS Agnes and she was spelling it wackily, and that ergo I would probably be more successful if I started spelling my name, "Jyssykah" but it turns out I should probably start going by, like, "Ethyyll.") You see, it's not that I thought she'd retired or anything, I just hadn't seen her out and about as much wearing, like, neon buckets on her head, or the like. Thank goodness something dragged her out:

Although this...happened last night, I can only presume she's just blowing through discarded Halloween costumes and this was originally intended to serve as Haute Couture Oliver Extra, or someone who is really, really into those Jack in the Box "Bowl Cut" commercials. But...what's going on with her FACE?

Continue reading Agyness Fugyn.

November 2, 2009

Lindsfug Fughan

Let's say you're promoting a beach resort. And you want a celebrity to show up and make it look like a tempting, hip, exotic locale. Would you feel cheated if you invited Lindsay Lohan and she showed up thusly?

Because, I mean, Sad Starving Starlet Wearing Grandma's Curtains isn't likely to make me shell out my hard-earned cash for a vacation -- although it IS possible it would make me start up a collection for donations to some kind of Five-Dollar Footlong Fund. Perhaps this resort should become sponsored by Subway.

November 2, 2009

The McFugd Family

Fug file:

[Photo: WENN.com]

ANGEL MCCORD: I am a freaking GENIUS. Sexy Inmate 50035! Because if you look at the number from a distance, it kind of seems to say BOOBS! HA HA HA!

RACHEL MCCORD: I'm either dressed as Sexy D-List Wannabe, or Bobby Trendy. You decide!

ANNALYNNE MCCORD: The more I keep trying to shove my sisters down people's throats, the more people will start to appreciate me when I show up places alone.

ANGEL: BOOBS!

RACHEL: LOOK AT MEEEE!

ANNALYNNE: That's right, America. I am teaching you to love me, one half-naked sibling hanger-on at a time. BRILLIANT.

November 2, 2009

Freaky Fug Friday: Monday Voting Edition

Another week, another awesome passel of entries -- we got almost 700, and I've never been so happy to do work on a weekend as I was in sitting down to read through them. As usual, narrowing these down was brutal. But here are the four finalists for this week, in random order:

[Photo: Splash News]

LIMERICK #1, by OKCKATE:

There once was a woman from Spain
Whose efforts to match went in vain.
So she tried to distract
With a coat made of cat.
Chica! Kitty and mink ain't the same!

LIMERICK #2, by JEMI

A certain unknown WAG Latina
Wore "fur" in the fashion arena.
Paired grey woolly stockings
With golf shoes - how shocking!
Sanrio should serve a subpoena.

LIMERICK #3, by RACHEL

Let's all cut dear Elen a break
For her honest (if fugly) mistake:
It was near Halloween,
and she thought "Peachy keen!
What a lovely mall kiosk I'll make!"

LIMERICK #4, by KATIE C:

Kitty and Kermit were first
In this character-hunting outburst.
If PETA won't protest,
Then someone must be next.
Is Sesame Street on alert?

poll by twiigs.com

November 2, 2009

Happy Fugloween

Fug file:

You know, maybe I'm not giving the army of Hollywood Sexy Halloween Whatevers enough credit. Maybe it takes rather a LOT of creativity to go as a Sultry Fill-In-The-Blank that people can't entirely figure out; Sexy Pirate, for instance, is really simple. But Jessica Lowndes here wasn't content with an eye-patch and a stuffed parrot, so she hunted all around town for the proper striped socks and corset and sleep shorts, and came up with this:

[Photo: Splash News]

It's the PERFECT ensemble if you want to make bystanders wager martinis with each other over whether you're in costume as the referee at the Lingerie Bowl or you're an ACTUAL Keg Softball umpire who's just taking a dinner break.

This one was more confusing:

Continue reading Happy Fugloween.

November 2, 2009

Paris and Fug

Fug file:

dialogue,
Halloween

[Photo: Splash News]

PARIS HILTON: You make a hot Tooth Fairy, dude.

DOUG REINHARDT: I know, babe. And you make a really great showgirl.

PARIS: UGH. You think I'm a showgirl? LAME.

DOUG: Huh? Well what are you, then?

PARIS: I'm the refreshing cool mint taste of Colgate Total with whitening agents, for a sparkling and surprisingly tart clean that leaves your teeth sparkling. DUH.

DOUG: You are?

PARIS: HA. No. I don't even know what those words mean. Nicky taught me that sentence.

DOUG: I knew it. Great showgirl costume, babe.

PARIS: UGH. You think I'm a showgirl? LAME.

DOUG: But I thought you...

PARIS: I'm a SLUTTY BALLERINA with a HEADDRESS FETISH. DUH.

DOUG: Sounds like the same thing to me.

PARIS: That's because you're really stupid, dude. You put the "duh" in "Doug."

DOUG: Oh, yeah, and who taught you THAT one?

PARIS: YOUR MOM.

DOUG: I love you.

PARIS: I love YOU. Let's go inside and have sex on the bar.

DOUG: DONE.

November 2, 2009

Fugchel Zoe

Fug file:

Halloween

Heidi Klum's annual Halloween bash seems like a place where anything goes. I mean, the hostess herself once went as a Hindu deity, and this year she went the whole ten yards and did herself up as what I assume is The Raven.

Looks awesome, but I'm sure after wearing that all night, she could've salted every soft pretzel on sale at Yankee Stadium. Quoth her sweat glands, "Nevermore."

But, Heidi isn't the point here. Rachel Zoe is. And at a party where it appears that you get the whole range of costumes from a whole range of people -- Dancing With The Stars' Mark Ballas did it up as Jason Voorhees, hockey mask and all, and Rick Fox and Eliza Dushku went as Zombie Bonnie and Clyde; on the other end of the spectrum, various CW starlets went as Sexy Whatevers -- this is the best that La Zoe could come up with on the big night:

Continue reading Fugchel Zoe.