Katy Perry had a busy night in Germany: As the host of the MTV EMAs, she did what every awards-show emcee does, and wore seventy billion different outfits. I got tired just sifting through the photos, and I didn't have to change my pants every five minutes to do it -- although maybe next time I will, just to increase my empathy. That way, when, say, Eva Longoria Parker hosts the ALMAs again and dons 15 separate ensembles, and I fug them, and she calls me up (you know, as she's wont to do) and goes, "Bitch, you don't know my life," I can be like, "Oh yes I DO -- do you KNOW how many t-shirts I went through last night while I was surfing for photos?" And then we'll cry and hug it out and she'll give me a pair of Louboutins from her closet as a peace offering.
Anyway: Perry. Let's start with what she wore on the red carpet.
I don't mind this too much. From some angles, the black detail looks like a creeping skin disease, and I guess it is indenting on her left boob a little bit, and I am tired of fishtails... in fact, given all of that, why DOESN'T it bother me? I don't know. I actually think she looks pretty. And TINY. It's not that I ever thought Katy Perry wasn't super slender, but for whatever reason this drove it home.
Later, there was this:
It's fine. It fits her boobs better. It's fairly plain, but for the adornment on her chest that reminds me of what might happen if you ran over an Everlasting Gobstopper with your car.
Once Katy got on stage, though, things took their usual turn:
Anyway: Perry. Let's start with what she wore on the red carpet.
I don't mind this too much. From some angles, the black detail looks like a creeping skin disease, and I guess it is indenting on her left boob a little bit, and I am tired of fishtails... in fact, given all of that, why DOESN'T it bother me? I don't know. I actually think she looks pretty. And TINY. It's not that I ever thought Katy Perry wasn't super slender, but for whatever reason this drove it home.
Later, there was this:
It's fine. It fits her boobs better. It's fairly plain, but for the adornment on her chest that reminds me of what might happen if you ran over an Everlasting Gobstopper with your car.
Once Katy got on stage, though, things took their usual turn:
I mean, THIS is why they keep asking Katy Perry to host the EMAs. It's not because she's the greatest talent of our age; it's because she'll wear satin panties that have a glittering heart over her bajingo. And unlike Lady Gaga, her costumes don't ask us to think.
Well, this one might a little:
But only because I seriously can't tell if I am staring at her underboob right now, or if it's an optical illusion. I THINK it's underboob. It's so much underboob. Like, to the point where there's not even any overboob. Or regular boob. it's JUST UNDERBOOB. It's a MENACE. Also, honey, when it comes to swings and trains, you have to be careful -- unless you can go full Sarah Brightman, there is no point, and you, milady, are no Sarah Brightman.
I guess this outfit made me think for a brief period, also:
Only for two seconds, though. Because after that time it becomes immediately apparent that what looked like a jaunty Robin Hood feather in her hair is actually a giant pair of lips, and that she's not wearing a garter belt but in fact stockings painted to LOOK like a garter belt. Once we've come to grips with all this, our brains quickly move on to more pressing issues, like why our fridge is empty of beer, and when Robin Antin will hire Katy to be the ringmaster of a Pussycat Dolls-themed circus, and how long the line of applicants for "knife-thrower" might be.
Still, what keeps the EMAs bringing Katy Perry to the party is this kind of commitment to quality:
You want a pearl-nippled host who will make DAMN sure that her blue, horned spankies do not ride down and expose her belly-button. I mean, we do live in a SOCIETY, people. There are very clear rules.
