Ashlee & Jessica Simpson Archives

November 18, 2009

Breakup Fugovers

Fug file:

makeover madness

There's nothing like an irrational, anger-fueled trip to the salon after an ugly breakup -- it's the kind of experience where you end up with bangs you can't pull off, a pixie cut that makes your ears look the size of eggplants, or highlights that look like you just pulled out a Major Accent and colored them in yourself.

Neither of these makeovers is THAT severe, but because we love to put things to a vote on GFY, I figured I'd spotlight them anyway. First up: Ashlee Simpson. Now, Ashlee just got dumped rather unceremoniously by Melrose Place, because she can't act. (However, her character is supposed to be unhinged, so her complete lack of talent actually ended up working to make Violet seem MORE deranged, and therefore I'm totally bummed she got canned. Chin up, girl, at least you got to nail Michael Mancini before the door hit you on the way out.) And Ashlee coped with this parting-of-the-ways with a new dye job.

Here she is before:

[Photos of Ashlee: Splash News]

Note: I am not endorsing the hat or the overalls.

And here she is now:

Continue reading Breakup Fugovers.

October 5, 2009

A Public Fugffair

Fug file:

jumpsuit,
suits

Okay, Jessica. I will do it. I will say -- as I've already noted on our Twitter feed -- that I think the entire state of Texas and probably most of the ESPN staff both owe you an apology for claiming you were the problem with Tony Romo's play. Time and opposing defenses proved them wrong, as we knew they would, and I am annoyed that I drafted him in not one but TWO of my fantasy leagues, but that's what happens when there's a run on QBs and it's not my turn yet and oh my God is anyone decent going to be left when it gets to me shoot I'd better just grab the top-ranked person who is available and that is Tony Romo aha yes nobody took him he is MINE HA HA HA oh wait I don't know how I feel about this and now I'm stuck and my wide receivers suck too and I HATE DRAFTING.

Anyway, in exchange for my defense of you, honey, you have to do something for me. You have to HELP YOURSELF.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Seriously, WHERE did you get that thing? From a Contempo Casuals store window in 1994?

September 25, 2009

Fugrose Fug

Fug file:

I have quite a bit to say about this:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

No.
Unless you're working as a cigarette girl. And it's a contractual requirement of said gig.
In which case, okay, but you, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, should probably not need a second job at this point in your career
Which, while we're talking about it....Melrose Place: The Return is actually really good.
And Ashlee is kind of good ON it. I KNOW. I can't believe it either. I think she might just be well-cast, but still. It all works. Plus: MANCINI.
Seriously, was musical theatre involved in this evening in some manner? Because Ashlee's head recalls nothing so much as this Muse from Xanadu:

And This Muse is awesome, but...not with those shorts, you know?

September 11, 2009

Fug The Cover: Redbook

Fug file:

Redbook

If you want to do a big story and cover line about looking and feeling your hottest, I think it would be a good idea -- although bear in mind I am not a professional -- to make sure all your cover subjects look and feel their hottest.

So, whoops:

Alicia Silverstone? Cute! Connie Britton? Enviable! Ashlee Simpson? Cock-eyed, tired, and wonkus. It reminds me of when I was making a version of myself on the Tiger Woods golf game for the Wii, and just for fun I kept inflating all my features to really weird sizes. It is the worst possible angle on her and it makes her surgically streamlined and generally flattering nose look more like a honker of a schnozz -- plus, you KNOW how much I hate makeup that GIVES you undereye bags (see also: Deschanel, Emily). If this cover is supposed to make women in their 30s and 40s feel better about themselves by making them feel way hotter than the twenty-something, then congrats, because that strategy may have worked. Yeah, Connie Britton is shoved in there at a weird body angle but she's hot.

Then the attack migrates to the thirty-somethings. Look at the picture they chose of Alicia Silverstone for inside the magazine:

Continue reading Fug The Cover: Redbook.

September 2, 2009

Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson

Seriously. I will send Jessica Simpson $100 if she ever poses for an advertisement for one of her many products in which her mouth is CLOSED. I SWEAR IT CAN BE DONE.

August 24, 2009

Melfug Place

Fug file:

ASHLEE SIMPSON: SIGH.

KATIE CASSIDY: Right? Another day, another boring Melrose Place junket.

ASHLEE SIMPSON: I KNOW. But I'm glad to see you're keeping things fun by making a joke out of it.

KATIE: Me? YOU are the one making a joke out of it.

ASHLEE: Uh-uh, babe. I'm not the one dressed as a gymnast at the Olympics closing ceremony dance.

KATIE: I'M not the one who looks like she murdered a zebra. But hey, as long as you DIDN'T, then PETA won't come after you and everything will be fine.

ASHLEE: Oh, shut up. Admit it: I look kind of cute.

KATIE: Yeah, you do, actually. It's true. And so do I.

ASHLEE. I wouldn't go THAT far.

KATIE: Huh?

ASHLEE: You also kind of look like you're auditioning to play Julianne Hough in some Disney Channel movie all about how she first learned the paso doble.

KATIE: That's rich criticism coming from a girl who is vag-hugging everyone tonight.

ASHLEE: I don't know what you mean.

KATIE: Don't you? Well, allow me to illuminate.

Continue reading Melfug Place.

August 21, 2009

Fugrose Place

Fug file:

rompers

This outfit is SO Melrose Place.

Ashlee here is practically Dr. Kimberly Shaw. Jr. Maybe with a dash of Sydney. I could totally see this outfit in a storyline wherein she shimmies into this boob-crushing glorified support garment masquerading as lingerie, and lies in wait for a Dr. Michael Mancini-type -- maybe even the ACTUAL Dr. Michael Mancini -- but he's not interested because he's just so BORED of all her drama (and he's sleeping with about ten other people), and the rejection turns her mental, so she Rips Off Her Wig and becomes a prostitute and ends up throttling her pimp with her pearls, and they have to hire some smoldering-but-wooden former daytime soap actor (I nominate Victor Webster) to play her lawyer for the ensuing trial, acquittal, and bigamy storyline.

Unfortunately, none of that will come to pass, because this isn't Melrose Place. It's just Melrose 2.0 star Ashlee Simpson looking bad at a party. In a FORMAL ROMPER. Dr. Kimberly Shaw wouldn't just rip off her wig; she'd replace it with a blonde one and go mow down her personal shopper.

August 6, 2009

Fug Kisses

Fug file:

Dude. Sister. Here's a suggestion. Maybe you should just stay home and lay low for a little while:

You're going to get mobbed by the paparazzi right now, and -- may I be frank? I don't really care what your answer to that is, by the way -- you look like hell lately (especially in comparison to how you looked on the cover of Glamour, just a few posts down). Nothing is fitting properly, you seem to be too bummed out to put on any makeup, and your hair has clearly been plunged into the depths of a seriously deep depression. I get it. You're HEARTBROKEN. So STAY HOME and have a Greek marathon while eating a whole box of frozen jalapeno poppers, like a normal person. THIS IS ONE INSTANCE IN WHICH GOING OUT AND GETTING LOADS OF ATTENTION WILL NOT HELP YOU.

Also, is that Spencer Pratt wielding a camera over your left shoulder? Because Spencer becoming a paparazzo would be make for kind of an amazing arc on the next season of The Hills. MTV, you can make the check out to "the Fug Girls." You're welcome.

(PS: It so happens that Heather and I JUST wrote a piece about Post-Breakup Fashion Dos and Don'ts -- using Miss Simpson here as an example of someone who needs the advice. And that was before I even saw this picture. Now I feel like she needs the help more than ever. Anyhoodle, you can read it at the Lemondrop blog, if you like.)

(PPS: As long as I'm pimping other things, you can ALSO follow us on Twitter.)

(PPPS: I don't really have anything else to tell you. This is turning into a written version of the voicemails I leave for people, where I just yammer and yammer.)

(PPPPS: We got an email the other day that informed us that only old people leave voicemails. I don't believe that, because I feel like if you call and hang up on me, then you were just calling to chat anyway and I don't have to call you back, whereas if you really need to talk to me, you'll tell me so.)

(PPPPPS: La la la la. I should just publish this post now, right? Sorry about all that.)

August 6, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Fug file:

Glamour,
sequins

[Photo: Glamour Magazine]
[The photo isn't loading for a small portion of you, so if you're one of those few, you can also see it here.]

First of all: this poor girl. PLEASE please tell me that she has potentially FINALLY learned NEVER ever EVER ever to speak to the press about her love life. Every single time she's slated to appear on the cover of a magazine, she breaks up with her current paramour a week before it hits newsstands all full of woozy lovestruck quotes about how Nick/John/John/Tony/Tony has truly made her complete as a woman. And then we all feel so awkward and cringey.

Now, this cover. Regardless of the fact that I think they've Photoshopped some weight off her -- needlessly, because I feel like it might do the People of the World some good to see celebrities on magazine covers looking the way they actually do in real life -- and I'm not actually entirely sure that they haven't just plonked her head on top of someone else's body, I think this cover is actually pretty good. For one thing, I love her outfit -- I really love that jacket with the jeans - and it's just a huge relief to see her smiling rather than whipping out that godforsaken open-mouthed fish face she make so often. And, according to my jeans, I kind of need the three tips for a flat belly.

On the other hand, the eyeliner....Convince me:

poll by twiigs.com

August 5, 2009

Fug or Fab: Ashlee Simpson

I hope it goes without saying that we are super-stoked for the return of Melrose Place.

Even if it's terrible, it will be entertaining and it's returning Michael Mancini to us. Not to mention the fact that it's forcing Ashlee Simpson to leave the house again. I've missed her. Sort of. No, I haven't. That was a total lie. I never even think about Ashlee Simpson at all, unless one of her embarassingly catchy songs comes on my iPod. But, regardless, she's BACK! And now we can talk about her outfits again. Like this one. I both like it, and believe she looks like the upstairs maid in a weird PBS remake of Upstairs, Downstairs that somehow involves an S&M den.

poll by twiigs.com

Ashlee & Jessica Simpson

Breakup Fugovers

Fug file:

A Public Fugffair

Fug file:

Fugrose Fug

Fug file:

Fug The Cover: Redbook

Fug file:

Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson

Melfug Place

Fug file:

Fugrose Place

Fug file:

Fug Kisses

Fug file:

Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Fug file:

Fug or Fab: Ashlee Simpson

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